This is an absolutely true story, and it absolutely happened to me this morning
I had been in the conference for 3 1/2 hours before they finally called lunch break, and I desperately needed to "go," if you know what I mean. And to make matters worse, I had already commuted 2 hours prior to that - so it was time. I was ready.
I was the first one out of the meeting room and into the bathroom, just ahead of the 10 or so other guys behind me. I knew if I didn't make a move I would have to wait in line and that was NOT an option at this point. So I saddled up to one of two urinals, unzipped my pants and prepared to do my business... except that my business was not available. What the hell? Why can I not find the opening? Sonofabitch I'm gonna pee my pants if I don't get this party started!
And then I suddenly realized 3 things:
1. For the better part of a minute I had been squirming around in front of the urinal and doing what I can only imagine to look like from behind to be playing with myself
2. There was a line of guys behind me waiting for me and watching me
3. I had somehow put my boxers on backwards this morning
At this point the only thing I could think of was to stop wiggling, move in, and pretend I was relieving myself like a "normal" person. The only other option I had was to unbutton my pants and pull them down around my thighs like a 5 year old boy. And let's face it... that would have been embarrassing.
Wednesday, January 09, 2013
This is an absolutely true story, and it absolutely happened to me this morning
Monday, November 26, 2012
Yesterday I had this Facebook exchange with a friend of mine, after he posted this picture of rapper Ice Cube on a soda fountain ice dispenser (who I thought was Ice-T, hence the HI-larious "coco" comment).
So, as a result of my inexcusable ignorance, I got called out for not being up on my Ice rappers. Can you imagine?
This, of course, was all in jest, as my friend doesn't REALLY think I'm an ignoram-ice. But his jab did cause me to Google the frozen rapper community to see who else was using this extra-cool moniker.
Of course I had heard of Ice Cube, Ice-T and Vanilla Ice, but what really surprised me was the substantial list of other Ice rappers that I had NOT heard of before.
Here's a summary:
Ice Pick - Best known for rapping over Chet Atkins guitar arrangements.
Dry Ice - Writes snarky lyrics that nobody "gets."
Ice Road Rapper - Alaska's only "Big-Rig Rapper."
Shaved Ice - Claims to be the first bald rapper to hit the scene.
Ice Cream - Eric Clapton's ill-fated attempt at entering the rap genre.
Ice Machine - Claims to be busiest rapper in the industry. Released 86 albums in 2011.
Off-Ice - Thought he going to establish himself as the "bad-ass rapper you don't mess with" because he would "off" you cold... but ended up going nowhere because everyone just thought his music was about working in an office.
In my defense though, you really can't blame me for not being able to tell Ice Cube from Ice-T, considering I have listened to exactly none of their music ever. And besides... after 20 years, I assumed these guys had melted by now.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Would anyone notice?
And if they did, would it inspire me to write ANOTHER post the week after that?
And then another and another until eventually I was writing posts every other day like I did for over 4 years at one point?
Friday, March 30, 2012
Is it just me, or have we gotten ourselves into a greeting rut as a society?
Take this exchange for example. How many times have you been in this conversation?
You: "Hey Ted, how ya doing?"
Ted: "Good, how are you?"
You: "Great, thanks!"
You: "So, what have you been up to?"
Ted: "Not much, how 'bout you?"
You: "Oh - not too much."
You and Ted: (acknowledging nod)
Brilliant, ain't it?
Now, just for fun, try to get through your day tomorrow and NOT have this conversation with someone. I promise you, it's not as easy as it sounds.
Seriously... does anyone say anything other than some version of "hi, how are you?" or "hey, how's it going?" when we encounter someone anymore? I mean when did a rhetorical question become the only option for saying hello to someone?
I personally try to avoid the ridiculous exchange and usually say something like, "Hi, nice to see you again," or "Hello, you're looking well" - which of course assumes that either are true. Otherwise a simple "Hi" or "Good morning" with a smile works just fine.
My main problem with the over abused "how are you?" greeting is that most people don't really care, or even want to know how the other person actually is. Imagine how uncomfortable it would be if the exchangee decided to reply honestly with a "Oh, not so well. Right now I'm suffering from diarrhea and could very well crap my pants right here."
And think about how much time is wasted on these words that don't actually mean anything. I bet if you added up all the seconds you have spent trading them over a lifetime you would end up with DAYS of wasted time. No... wasted OPPORTUNITY! What if, instead of the empty "How'r you doing?" greeting, people used that time to briefly educate each other with USEFUL information.
"Hi Maria, did you know there's a two-for-one sale on plants at the greenhouse this weekend?"
"No, I didn't! And did you know that eating just 4 sticks of celery a day can help lower your blood pressure?
"No, I hadn't heard that!"
"Yes, it's true. Have a nice day!"
See? Doesn't that make a lot more sense?
Look, asking someone how they are isn't necessarily a bad thing, but does it have to be the ONLY thing? I think not. We're more creative than that. Oh, and for those of you who really DO want to know? I'm doing great... thanks for asking.
Sunday, November 06, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
To the untrained professional this might sound like these people are covering up for the fact that they are embarrassed about having a virus, as if the only way they could have contracted one was by visiting questionable web sites.
But I happen to know better.
There are MANY innocent ways to pick up a computer bug and what I’m going to write about here is currently one of the most common… Rogue Antivirus.
How did THAT get on there?
Think about pop-up ads. We see them all the time on the internet and think nothing of them. Whether it’s our local newspaper web site, favorite music download spot or major retail store - we simply close them and move on.
This is the exact same method that the evil virus people use. The only difference is, their pop-up window isn’t an ad. Instead, it’s an ominous warning that looks exactly like a legitimate virus software product telling you that your computer has been infected.
Here’s one example:
Now, here’s where the problem begins. If you were to simply do nothing and close your browser screen you would most likely be fine and virus-free. But since this kind of warning looks so legitimate, many people choose to click either the “Remove All Spyware” or the “Ignore” button, which then triggers the actual virus to download and execute its installation onto your computer. By the way, it doesn’t matter which button you choose, the “Ignore” button will install the virus as well.
At this point you may even be reminded by Windows that you’re about to install an executable program that could contain a virus, but since we’re so programmed to click “Ok” every time we install something in the first place, we choose to ignore this warning and continue. “Besides,” you’re thinking, “ how else am I supposed to get this virus removal program updated so it can clean off the virus it says I have?”
Of course once you execute the fake virus removal program it’s too late. Your computer is infected for real.
Why didn’t my virus protection catch it?
Because, the first it time was presented (as the fake virus protection screen) it was just a harmless “pop up” and not an actual virus. It didn’t become a virus until you clicked on one of the buttons and authorized it to download the virus onto your computer. THAT’S why this one is so tricky!
So how do I know I just ran a fake virus program if it looks real?
The first way you know is because your gut will tell you that something went wrong. We don’t normally get presented with a warning that we have a virus so our first instinct is to follow the directions we’ve so conveniently been presented to remove it. And that’s how the virus people are hoping we will react. If we slow down and check some things out before we click the “Remove all spyware” button like the one on the example above, we will discover that the program we are looking at is not actually the same program we are using for our virus protection (i.e. Mcafee or Norton). So far, no fake virus program I’ve seen has been good enough to mimic the actual screens of the product you have installed.
The next way you’ll know you’ve run a fake virus program is because your computer will start acting up… usually within a few hours to a couple of days. After that you won’t even be able to use your computer because the only thing you’ll be presented with are more fake screens. And left untreated, your computer will no longer even boot up and may eventually get to the point where the only cure is a full blown reinstall of the operating system. Yuk.
What do I do now?
If you encounter some version of the fake antivirus program I’ve describe above you should follow these steps immediately:
1. The FIRST thing you should do is close your internet browser. Then open up your “real” virus protection software and check to make sure it is up to date. If not, run the updater (if you can) to get its current definitions. This, of course, is assuming you actually have something like McAfee, Norton, Microsoft Security Essentials or AVG installed and running on your system.
2. Next, unplug your Ethernet cable and disable your wireless connection. You need to do this because the longer you are connected to the internet, the more damage the virus can do. The initial install of the virus has most likely opened up a direct port to a malicious server that will continue to download nasty things onto your computer. If you disconnect the internet you can minimize that possibility.
3. Run your actual virus protection software. If you haven’t waited too long and you have decent software, it should catch the bug and zap it.
4. If your software isn’t fixing it, or worse yet won’t even run, then the virus has probably dug itself in too deep and you’ll need to take more extreme measures to remove it. Some people have luck finding their own solution on the internet and other people choose to have it fixed professionally. The level of success you’ll have is directly related to the length of time you’ve let the virus run rampant. By far the easiest computers I’ve cleaned are the ones where the customers have simply hit the power button and turned off their computer the first time they suspected the infection. In other cases where they’ve waited too long, I’ve had to deliver the bad news that their only option is a total reformat. Again, yuk.
So hopefully this article will help prevent at least one person from getting this nasty virus in the future. However if it does manage to happen - by all means don't be embarrassed. These people have spent years figuring out the best way to trick us... and millions of people fall for it every day.
Happy, safe computing!
for more tips on keeping your computer safe check out the Virus Stompers safety survey here
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Oh I know, I hear the talk behind my back...
"he used to blog so much more"
"he used to be so funny"
"it's just so sad"
Please don't judge... I have reasons... exculpations... I HAVE SEMI-PLAUSABLE EXCUSES!
2. The only free time I have to blog is on the train, and I'm pretty sure the tracks for the line I ride were laid in the late 1800s. Therefore, the bouncing, bumping and swaying I have to endure makes me trainsick.
3. Old football injury to my 5th phalange
4. Way too many shiny objects around me
5. The last time I was abducted by aliens the brain scan damaged my right cerebral cortex
(please allow 4-6 months for delivery)
7. I heard that blogging is only for narcissistic, ego-centric, writer wannabees and didn't want to be associated with people like that.
8. I ran out of gas. I, I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD.
9. I decided to finally check out some other bogs, and quite frankly I don't see the appeal.
10. I was becoming too famous and it was ruining my quality of life.
TRAIN BLOGGING 2010
Wednesday, December 01, 2010
Then there's the woman who sat down directly across from me on the train this morning, even though there were 3 other empty sets of seats immediately around us. And when I say "directly" across from me?... I don't mean in the seat kitty-corner across, I mean the seat directly across from me. You know, knees-to-knees.
"Good morning!" she beamed. And then things just got weird from that point on.
For the next 3 minutes this overly comfortable train lady proceeded to unpack several items from her purse, naming them as she went: "pills... chapstick... cellphone... iPod..." in some kind of bizarre pre-flight preparation of her daily ride-tual.
And then suddenly, as if suffering from a surprise leg cramp, she whipped off her left shoe and thrust her foot up onto the baseboard heater between my right leg and the wall - literally wedging it between them. Instinctively I curled my legs back under my seat so she wasn't touching me.
"Ahh, I like to put my foot on the heater. I have to take these pills. So many pills. I should check my battery. Yep my phone needs to be charged. These ones are for an infection that doesn't seem to want to heal. Boy it's cold outside. I like to sleep on the train. The government wants me to be fresh for my job. I hope I'm not disturbing you."
And so there I sat with this stupid half-grin on my face pretending to be working on my laptop, careful to not say a word in fear that she would REALLY start blathering on. This went on for another 2 or 3 minutes until as if on cue, she put on her Cybill Shepherd sunglasses, leaned back against the headrest and went to sleep, which of course only made it look like she was staring at me for the next 45 minutes.
I don't know why she chose to sit across from me. Maybe I looked friendly. Or maybe she realized the train would be full by the time we got to Fridley and she thought it would be better to sit with somebody she approved of right away rather than take her chances with someone else later. You know, someone who might possibly judge her or make fun of her. Or blog about her.
TRAIN BLOGGING 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
That's how I remember Christmas when I was a little boy. Every season filled with a warm, familiar routine that felt comfortable... exciting... magical. Maybe it was the promise of presents or maybe it was the music and decorations, but whatever it was, it left these memories with me for eternity.
Glass choir angels floating on cotton ball clouds on the TV console. Packages sprinkled with pine needles under the tree. Blurry bulbs glowing through frosted windows from the eves outside.
Hardly able to wait until Rudolph and Charlie Brown aired for their one and only showing of the year.
Installing huge cardboard K-D-A-L letters in the front window in hopes that we would win the radio station's prize that year.
Bing, Dean and Nat insisting we have a merry little Christmas from crackly records on a HiFi stereo.
Watching the news on Christmas eve as the anchorman interrupts the broadcast to inform us that the airport has detected an unidentified flying object on radar.
Strategically placing a giant stocking on the couch before heading into the bedroom for an impossible attempt at sleep.
Cousins bursting through the door for their annual visit that included hiding behind forbidden garment bags, ghost story sleepovers in the basement and eating all but the butterscotch-flavored rolls from their requisite books of Lifesavers.
Personal loaves of Grandma's brown bread, toasted slices smothered in butter, filling the house with intoxicating desire.
Being 5, 6, maybe even 7 years old and secretly believing I was right about Santa Claus and everyone else just didn't know any better.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Once upon a time I was a famous blogger.
Well, at least in my mind.
And at that time I belonged to a very special community of bloggers of all varieties. There were humor bloggers, daddy bloggers, photography bloggers, mommy bloggers, cat bloggers, bra bloggers (no really), and even cartoon bloggers. And, as every one of you who blogs or has blogged knows, the greatest thing about blogging is the friendships you build.
While I was experiencing my 4 years of fame, I “met” a quirky guy from Ripon, CA who had a blog called “Mattress Police.” Rob Kroese is his name and writing is his game.
Rob, aka “Diesel” to his readers, is my favorite kind of blogger… funny. Diesel has a “unique” perspective on life as well as a talent for expressing it. Everyday observations to you and me become colorfully twisted possibilities to him. You have an unidentified switch on your dashboard? Diesel has a complete analysis about his. You hire someone to do a little landscaping? Diesel hires the neighbor kid and writes controversial hilarity. That’s just how things work with him.
*THEY* said he couldn’t do it. *THEY* said he would be wasting his time - and yet *THEY* were wrong. Not only did Rob (I have to change his name back to “Rob” now because from this point forward he is a published author) write a hysterical novel about an angel named Mercury who has been put in charge of the Apocalypse, but he also defied all odds when Amazon republished his novel under their own AmazonEncore label this fall. Since then, Mercury Falls has spent several days in the number one spot in Amazon’s science fiction category. That’s pretty fricken cool.
So check it out Rob’s new book here: http://robertkroese.com. In fact, check out ALL his books there. He’s written like twenty of them. Ok, only three… but three really funny ones. So that’s like 20 bad ones. No, that didn’t come out right. I meant it’s like taking all the funny out of 20 books and cramming it into three of his books. Whatever… just check it out!
Ed: I have in no way been forced to or bribed into writing this review. I just really like Rob’s work and think the 4 of you should check it out as well.