And the winner is...

As promised last week, I will now announce the winner of the "What post did VE guest-write for me?" contest.

But before I do, I just want to take a second to send out a very sincere THANK YOU to everyone who Stumbled, Dugg, searched, talked about and posted my banner on their blogs. We are already receiving web visits from all over the country and the traffic is growing all the time. So yes my friends... it looks like my evil plan is working!

Now, on to the contest results...

As you know, I held a contest last week for you to guess which post VE secretly wrote while you weren't looking. The responses were all over the board:

A. Breaking News - Scientists cloudy over new classification - 3 votes
B. The One You Didn't Find - 1 vote
C. Mr. Know-It-All - 3 votes
D. Best tasting bands? - 3 votes
E. Hmmm, I think I'd rather be awake - 1 vote

I was a little surprised that Mr. Know-It-All received so many votes. But then again, that is one feature where I like to tap that one little section of my brain that was damaged when Larry Musolf threw a rock at my head when I was 10, so I can see why you would think it was something VE would have written.

But the actual answer is B - the story about the secret song on The Receders new CD.

And the only one to get it right was...

Jacki

Congratulations Jacki. You are the winner of the actual Receders CD mentioned in the story... secret song included! Just send me your address and I'll get it out right away.

So thank you all for playing. I thought that was pretty fun... but also a little scary. I mean just look how many people can't tell the difference between me and VE!

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Virus Stompers is open for business!

It's official everyone... Virus Stompers is now open for business!

This is very exciting for me and Brandon as we have been working very hard this last month on setting this up. I had no idea starting a new business was such a challenge. I'll share that story with you in a few days.

But right now, I am going to once again beg ask you for your help.

If you remember, last May I published this depressing post where I told you that my job was at risk and I didn't think I would be employed much longer (which unfortunately is still true). In response, you all replied with generous offers to help out, which was unbelievably touching and very much appreciated.

A few days later I sent out a plea asking for logo designs for Virus Stompers, and you came through with flying colors. Literally! After reviewing several excellent submissions, we finally settled on this great logo by Daniela from Seafood Punch. Thank you Daniela... we love this little guy!

Make sure to look Daniela up if you ever need any graphic work done. She's an amazing artist.

Now I'm going to ask for help one more time...

What we really need now is help getting the word out about our new business, and help with increasing our Google ranking.

So if you have a spare minute... here are 5 different ways you can support us.

1. Put our logo widget on your sidebar
Nothing jacks up the Google ranking higher than a direct link back to a website. By putting this widget on your blog, Google will see it and elevate our rank status. And to make it easier, I'll even give you the code:

<a href="http://virusstompers.com/" target="_blank"><img alt="Virus Stompers!" src="http://virusstompers.com/vsbannersmall.jpg" border="0" /><br>Virus Stompers</a>

2. Find us on Google
Another great way to increase our Google web ranking is by accessing our site through Google searches. You can help by simply copying and pasting these phrases below into Google and clicking the "next" button until you find us - and then opening up our page. The number in parenthesis tells you the minimum number of pages you might have to click through to get to us, but that should become lower as the ranking increases DUE TO YOUR MOST EXCELLENT HELP!

One thing that makes this easier is to open the find feature (Ctrl/F) on your browser and search for the word "stompers," which will show you right away whether we're on that page or not.

(found on page 2) online virus removal $50 virus, malware, adware
(found on page 9) online virus removal Conficker, Antivirus 2009, Vundo
(found on page 12) online virus removal $50
(found on page 13) unable to run a program or access the internet
(found on page 14) connect to computer to remove viruses
(found on page 15) online virus removal Conficker Vundo

It will be fun to see how much all this searching lowers what page we're found on!

3. Submit us to one of the popular web review sites
We all know the power of Digg and StumbleUpon. A few weeks ago, JD submitted this post to StumbleUpon and the next day I had nearly 6,000 people stop by - and that was when only 4 other people Stumbled it! Imagine how many hits we'd get if 30 or 40 people did this.

So, if you have a second please click these buttons and give us a thumbs up. Or even better... write us a glowing review.










4. Include our link in a post
If you're like me, it's hard to find the right place and time to promote somebody else's stuff, so I really don't expect you to squeeze us into a story. But if you do, it will help our ranking significantly, and we will most definitely appreciate it. Once again, the link is www.virusstompers.com

5. Word of mouth
This is by far the easiest thing you can do for us... AND probably the most effective. All you have to do is simply remember that we're here and to tell your friends and family about us the next time one of them needs help with their computers.

So thank you in advance for your help. We really believe we are providing a great value. Computer viruses are nasty and can be expensive to clean up.

But Virus Stompers can do it for only $50!

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Blast from the past

Ya gotta love Facebook...

...well at least for some things.

A few weeks ago a long lost friend from the 80s worked her way to my FB and sent me a friend invite. From there she told me she had an old video from my Livingston Fury days and wanted to know if I wanted a copy.

Well duh.

And because I have a blog, I am now therefore required to share this video time capsule with YOU. Here we are performing the title track from our 1987 album Nature of the Beast.

I'm quite sure I don't even have to bother with the snark. I'm guessing you'll do just fine.

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Variant E

Gah! I've been hacked!

Back in April, I participated in a little ruse to spoof VE's readers, wherein he had 5 other bloggers pose as himself while he was away for a week in the Caribbean, playing with his brand new wife and sipping fruity rum drinks. You can read my contribution here.

Now it's my turn... to spoof you that is. While you weren't paying attention over the last month, VE has guest hacked posted here on this very blog. The thing is, you didn't know it... and now you have to figure out which post it was.

The only thing I'm going to tell you is that it was within the last 12 posts, and for your convenience, I've formatted this page to show you all the posts you get to choose from. I'll be revealing the answer later this week.

Good luck!

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Central Minnesota Crime Logs

Holy cow... it's been over 2 years since I've written one of these! This is truly a crime.

St. Cloud is not an innocent town by any means, but if you were to rate it by our newspaper crime logs, you'd think we lived in Mayberry. These are actual crime logs taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my extended comments in bold.

* * * * *

Suspicious activity was reported at 3:54 p.m. Saturday in the 1500 block of Seventh
Avenue South. A caller said she found two large steak knives stuck in her lawn. She
looked back an hour later and they were gone...
...that's when she found a t-bone-shaped hole in her grass and an empty bottle of A-1.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 7:50 a.m. Monday in the 1800 block of Whitney Park Drive. A caller said a recreational vehicle was parked in the area and it appeared someone was living inside of it. The vehicle was gone when police arrived...
...most likely because someone was not dead inside of it.

A noise complaint was reported at 12:31 a.m. Saturday in the 700 block of First Avenue North. Officers checked the area and saw a street sweeper leaving the area. No other noises were observed...
...even though they used their special noise-viewing goggles.

A threat was reported at 7:51 p.m. Saturday. A couple was putting up a privacy fence in their yard and a neighbor became angry and began yelling loudly. Officers met with the neighbor to explain to him that if he had a problem, he needed to contact the city before the permit was issued. He was told not to harass the couple anymore...
...and for the sake of human dignity, to let the poor couple finish their fence.

A juvenile problem was reported at 9:55 p.m. Sunday in the 400 block of 2½ Street North. A group of boys were out ringing doorbells. Police checked the area but were unable to find anyone...
...most likely because the game is called ring and run.

A barking dog was reported at 4:50 a.m. Sunday in the 200 block of High Drive. Officers found a dog in the front yard barking and the next day spoke with the owner. She was given a verbal warning...
... and a slap on the nose with a newspaper.

A suspicious person was reported at 1:42 p.m. Monday on Pinecone Road. A caller said a man was laying on the grass by the road. Officers spoke to the man who said he was a salesman and was just taking a nap...
...which surprised the officers since he was selling 5-hour Energy Drink.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 4:08 a.m. Friday at Riverside Park, 1725 Kilian
Blvd. The vehicle was parked in the park after hours. Officers found a man and woman in the vehicle and "prevented some lewd public activity," according to police reports...
...but not before the man asked if he could have "just a few more seconds."

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:25 p.m. Friday in the 1200 block of 11th Street
Southeast. A caller said she was worried that someone was watching her home and that
there were a lot of people around. Officers increased patrol in the area...
...and also recommended she increase her dosage.

A burglary was reported Friday on 127th Street in Livonia Township. A caller said someone entered his locked garage and took items from it. The items were then placed at the end of his driveway...
...mice are suspected.

AND FINALLY... this last one was just so odd that I hated to waste it on one of my dumb punchlines, so I thought I'd give you a chance to finish it. Please - help me out here.

A complaint was reported at 1:22 a.m. Tuesday on First Street Northeast. A caller said juveniles were putting Saran wrap across the road. Officers talked to them and they apologized for the behavior and went home...

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Mr. Know-It-All

Wow, it's hard to believe this is the 2nd anniversary of my infamous Mr. Know-It-All series.

Of all the things I write about here at the cloud, Mr. Know-It-All is by far the most misunderstood. Perhaps it's the way he thinks outside the box, (or more accurately outside of reality) but people always seem to scratch their heads at this feature. Even still, this has always been one of my favorite things to write and I'm quite certain I'll continue to do it as long as I have a blog.

So then, let's see what people have been asking about this time.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What exactly are we celebrating on July 4th again?
- Spankee Noodle

Dear Spankee Noodle,

We are celebrating our independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain of course. I know... "Independence from what?" you ask. "Great Britain is like the size of Kansas. How powerful could they be?"

What many people don't know, is that Great Britain used to occupy all the countries in the world. Then over time, many of them decided they were tired of fish and chips and scones and, through various means, managed to separate from the British Empire and become their own countries, states and colonies.

No really... unlike most things I write I'm not making this one up. Here is just a partial list of countries who have become "independent" from Great Britain and the United Kingdom over the last few hundred years.

USA - 1776
Canada - 1867
Afghanistan - 1919
South Africa - 1931
Jordan - 1946
Pakistan - 1947
Malaysia - 1957
Nigeria - 1960
Kuwait - 1961
Jamaica - 1962
Kenya - 1963
Barbados - 1966
Bahamas - 1973
Grenada - 1974
Belize - 1981
Antigua - 1981

See what we started? But I say they should have kept Jamaica and the Bahamas. I bet those guys wouldn't have even known the difference. You know what I'm sayin mon?"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does the Baby poop just before we need to leave to go somewhere?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
You should consider yourself lucky. She sounds like a smart, considerate little girl to me. I mean, just think how much more convenient it is for you to deal with it at home where you have all your stuff and lots of room. Would you rather she waited until you were halfway through a grocery shopping excursion, and suddenly your produce is covered in blowout? Uh-huh... I thought so.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the meaning of life?
- Kris

Dear Kris,
That depends on which "life" you're referring to... Life, Life or Life.

If you're talking about Life magazine, then its meaning is on the cover. Here I am on this month's issue. And you thought I was just some blogger.

If it's Life, the board game, then I'm with you 100%. What IS the meaning of that? I can't tell you how many times we dragged that stupid game out of the closet and attempted to play it. But the idea of having to buy insurance and stocks and end up with a career as a teacher just didn't seem very fun. Especially when you were 6.

On the other hand, there's only one thing to say about the meaning of Life cereal. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are you only anti-Monopoly, or are you anti all board games?
- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
You said it right there in your question... I am anti all games that make me bored. But seriously, I used to get frustrated easily as a child. Do you have any idea how many times I sweated my way to the top of Chutes and Ladders, only to hit square number 87 and have my ass sent straight back down to 24?!! And don't even get me started about Candyland.

All I can say is, it's a good thing we didn't have a gun in our house.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Have you ever tried Triopoly?
- meandtheblueskies

Dear meandtheblueskies,
Well, until now I had never even heard of it. But if you're asking if I would enjoy a 3-layer, 3D version of Monopoly? Then uh... NO THANKS! The last time I checked, I didn't have a spare 40 hours to devote to a board game. Besides, where are you supposed to find an honest banker these days anyway?

* * * * *

Well folks, that's it for this installment of Mr. Know-It-All. Make sure to leave your questions in the comments and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Until then, have a GREAT holiday weekend!

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Dear Children: It wasn't what you think... and no, we will not pay for therapy

We have a big old ceiling fan in our bedroom... and I mean that literally. It's large and ancient.

Our bedroom was part of an addition to our house in the '70s, and for some reason, the owner decided not to add the heating and air conditioning duct work to it. This doesn't surprise me because based on a few other "shortcuts" I've found, I'm pretty sure it was the owner himself and a bunch of his friends who put the addition on the house.

Anyway, because the bedroom has no forced air, they compensated by adding an electric baseboard heater for when it's cold and a ceiling fan for when it's hot. Unfortunately, like most things that get old over time, this fan has developed a few problems of its own.

For instance, when I put it on low, it "ticks" a "tick tick tick tick" in perfect time, exactly as if I had a metronome clicking over my bed. And for a musician, that's a major problem. Imagine trying to fall asleep, but all you can hear is 20 different songs that fall into the same time as the beat your fan is tapping out. It's the exact same reason we don't have any analog clocks in our house. Do you have any idea how many songs are written to 60 bpm? I know, it's insane!

But that's not the fan's worst problem.

If you put it on high, it wobbles and swings back and forth violently and makes a horrible "thump thump thump" sound like an injured helicopter trying to take flight. It's really rather frightening. In fact, we have actual concerns that if we leave it on high, it will break itself loose from the ceiling and decapitate us in our sleep, leaving two severed heads on our pillows for our kids to find in the morning.

blades of death

So the other night, right as I was drifting off to sleep, Charli decides she's too hot and can't sleep. This of course translates to, "honey... will you turn on the fan?"

Knowing full well that the low speed wasn't going to cut it, I went straight for the high setting and jumped back into bed.

[thump thump thump...]

"NO!" Charli screams at the top of her lungs. "THAT'S TOO FAST!"

[thump thump thump...]

"Shhh... quiet!" I whispered. "The kids are right outside the door in the living room."

[thump thump thump...]

"STOP IT... IT'S GOING TOO FAST! IF THAT THING HITS ME IN THE HEAD IT'S GOING TO KILL ME!"

[thump thump thump...]

"Ok ok... stop yelling! I'll turn it down."

But I'm pretty sure I was too late, because as soon as I turned the fan down I noticed that the TV volume in the other room had been turned up 10-fold, as if to hide unwanted noises coming from a certain parents' bedroom.

Of course I could have just been paranoid, but I still didn't have the guts to stick my head out the door and ask them to turn it down.

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The One You Didn't Find

I kept wondering if anybody would find it.

Of course, nobody does this anymore.

What's that? You have no idea what I am talking about?

It’s the secret additional song on The Receders new CD.

Now, I know you purchased at least three or four copies of it awhile back when I posted the big announcement. Everyone should have several copies. I keep one on my keychain.

The secret additional song can easily be heard if you wait for “Turn It Around” to finish playing and then listen to 5 minutes of silence at nearly full volume.

See how sneaky and technical we are? Of course, it’s a cover song and it has A LOT of cowbell in it. It’s a musical imperative that every secret song have cow bell and we didn’t let you down.

Oh, and did I mention that it’s also a Doo Wop song done in Reggae style? And I’m singing?

Now how could you miss that?

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Wordless Wednesday

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Best tasting bands?

The other day I was rocking out to some Chili Peppers, and for some strange reason (probably because I was hungry) I started thinking about bands that had food items in their names. For example:



Red Hot Chili Peppers
Black Eye Peas
Meatloaf
Pearl Jam
Smashing Pumpkins

This of course immediately caused me to imagine artist names that could easily be twisted into puns.

Why? I dunno, why not? But don't worry about it. I did it and you're stuck with it.

So here are my top 10 tastiest artists:



Oreosmith



Smokey Robinson and the Miracle Whips

The OJ's

Almond Brothers

Collective Sole




M&M





Elvis Parsley

Food Fighters

Mr. Mustard



Linkin Pork




So (you knew this was coming, didn't you)... what about you? I know you can do better than these. What band names can you think of that either already have food in their names, or can be made into puns?

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Dear dad, sorry about the car

By the time I was only 17 I had accumulated enough keyboard and PA gear to fill a small van. Unfortunately the largest vehicle we had at the time was dad's Plymouth station wagon that looked something like this.

I learned that if I placed everything just right, I could squeeze my 2 huge Yamaha speaker cabinets, 1 over-sized rotating Leslie organ speaker, 4 large keyboards and various other accessories into the back of this poor thing. Of course the half ton or so of equipment I crammed into it pretty much caused the rear springs to flatten out, making the car look like a Mexican low rider.

But even after abusing the Plymouth for an entire year and eventually leaving dad with nothing but a broken down shell of its former wagon self, he never complained and simply went about his business of replacing it with something else. And if you ask him, he'll tell you, "Eh... it was just a car, no big deal."

But if you ask me I'll tell you, "It wasn't just a car. This wagon was everything."

To me, dad's quiet acceptance of that vehicular destruction was a strong statement of support for his teenage son's musical aspirations. Technically, if he had decided that I wasn't allowed to use the family truckster as my own personal UHaul, I may not have been able to pursue the musical opportunities I did.

And technically, I may not have gone on the road for 10 years.

And technically, I may not have met my wife in St. Louis.

And technically... well you get the point.

So even though it's 40 years later, I still want to say "Thanks dad." I've never forgotten what that meant to me.

And technically, my kids should be thanking you too.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Happy Father's Day dad. I love you and I'll see you soon.

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Happy Birthday to my 5 year old?

Every year, on our kids' birthdays, we give them a free pass to eat whatever they want for the entire day.

Usually this is an open invitation for them to indulge in foods they would never normally eat at our house... or more accurately, foods we would never buy for them.

And so Austin turned 17 today, and this year is no exception. When we asked him yesterday what he wanted to eat he made this list:

breakfast - chocolate covered crepes
lunch - Space Aliens restaurant
dinner - corn dogs and macaroni and cheese

I imagine the only reason he didn't request a Happy Meal is because they won't sell him one at his age.

yes, he's wearing a knit cap... yes, it's June

winning hundreds of tickets - so he can buy a pencil eraser

So happy birthday, my big giant 17 year old. Maybe after we eat lunch we can go to the petting zoo and feed the little duckies. But we'll need to head home after that because you always get cranky if you don't get your nap.

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Band on the run

Guess what Charli and I did this weekend? We went to not one... not two... but THREE parades!

Why? Because we don't have enough Dubble Bubble, Dum Dums and Toostie Rolls of course. Duh.

Actually, the real reason is because Rosie has joined St. Cloud's All City Marching Band - and as parents we are contractually obligated to attend all parades no matter how far away, how rainy or how long they last. But that's perfectly ok with us because Rosie is a great kid and we are great proud parents.


This band is unique in that it's city-wide, and accepts kids from any school in the area, grades 7-12, whether they have experience or not. For 4 weeks they rehearse like mad until the week before the first parade of the season. Then, the entire band heads out of town to a rural middle school where they spend five days at "spat camp" practicing their marching routine and songs 12 hours a day.

This is the marching band equivalent of military boot camp, and by the time these kids are done they have been transformed into obedient little toy soldiers who can perform a choreographed routine in perfect unison while executing a complex musical score.

Rosie in perfect form

The entire week Rosie was there we only received 2 short phone calls from her. At first we thought she was being inconsiderate by not returning our pleas for daughterly communications, but when we unpacked her bags and saw that she had never even opened any of the Doritos or Oreos we sent as treats, we knew she was simply too busy and/or exhausted to worry about updating us. And every other parent we talked to said the same thing.

On the surface it sounds like a pretty rough ride for these poor kids, but as Rosie has said... "I LOVE IT!"... which also explains why the majority of them end up signing up for the entire 5 year ride. Of course it doesn't hurt that they get to go on cool band trips either. This year, they are headed off to Colorado for a week of sight seeing, amusement parks and white water rafting.

"uh, thanks mom and dad... but feel free to sit down anytime now"

So, if you're ever at a parade in rural MN this summer, look for the littlest kid on the end of the mellophones. Then look for her parents walking along the sidewalk taking pictures and generally embarrassing the crap out of her. That would be us.

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Breaking News

Scientists cloudy over new classification



Not since Pluto was demoted to a space rock has something so controversial shaken up the scientists.

According to sources deep within the esteemed cloud categorization community, this picture, taken by a Cedar Rapids, Iowa office worker, shows what may become the first new cloud type to be recognized by scientists since 1951.

AM - Cedar Rapids, Iowa under dangerously undefined cloud formation

"This is big stuff!" claims Gavin Pretor-Pinney, lead geek at England's Cloud Appreciation Society. "Until now, we've been dealing with 3 types of clouds: cumulus, cirrus and stratus. Can you imagine what would happen if we added a fourth cloud type? It would turn the cloud sciences on its head."

Pretor-Pinney, who is an expert on cloud types, spends his days helping people identify what kinds of clouds are in the sky. "Most people think it's as easy as simply looking up and saying, 'oh, that's a cumulus cloud,' but that's not how it is at all. People confuse stratus and cirrus all the time but I've been trained to tell the difference."

In the meantime, the debate over whether to add a new cloud classification continues, and naming suggestions are pouring in. Pretor-Pinney says that "...tens of people have written in with such noteworthy suggestions as, 'darknscarylus, cunnilingus and getcirrus,' which are all very good. But I think the front runner right now is an entry submitted by a St. Cloud blogger called simply, 'ominous.' It really says it all."

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Hmmm, I think I'd rather be awake

Last night Charli and I were watching TV and a commercial for this popular sleep aid product came on. The ad itself wasn't all that interesting, but we cracked up at this list of frightening side effects.

sleepwalking

eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event

abnormal behaviors

confusion, agitation, and hallucinations

worsening of depression

risk of suicide

shortness of breath

swelling of your tongue or throat

drowsiness, dizziness and headache

diarrhea

risk of dependency
may be fatal

Holy crap! You'd have to be a pretty serious insomniac to sign up for that. The funny thing is, I've heard a few tokes off the old doobage works pretty well for insomnia also. But of course that's not an option since it's illegal, because... uh because... oh yeah, it's dangerous.

So anyway, then I went to their web site to read more about it and I saw this picture and became even more frightened.

OH MY GOD... THE PILL THOSE PATIENTS ARE STANDING ON IS HUGE! How in the world could someone be expected to swallow something that big?

But then I saw this disclaimer and my fears were calmed.

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