Mr. Know-It-All

Hi Everybody!

It's been a while since we last consulted Mr. Know-It-All on your very important inquiries. And since we have quite a few questions to answer this month, let's get started right away!

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do people who play their music loudly in cars so the entire street can hear them, always have such bad taste in music?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
Because, anyone who is ignorant enough to blast their music that loudly in the first place is also too ignorant to realize that they are listening to crap.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
So, who DID shoot the deputy?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
This is a common point of confusion. The fact is, nobody shot the deputy. The song is simply saying that he shot the sheriff, but he didn't shoot the deputy... or the bailiff... or anybody else for that matter. Oswald attempted a similar tactic when he proclaimed that he didn't shoot Lyndon B. Johnson.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do my dogs have to smell a dozen places before they finally go to the bathroom? What are they looking for and why are they so picky??
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
Easy... dogs, like boys and men as well, are simply looking for a new place to pee that hasn't been peed on already. Incidentally, we do the smell thing too - but only when the door is closed. We do have our dignity you know.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do I have a bunch of Tupperware lids that don't match any of the containers? Is it just that I'm weird, or is there something else going on here?
- Theresa

Dear Theresa,
Good catch! You're wise to suspect something here. Here's what's going on:
In an effort to create more product demand, Tupperware consultants are now undergoing secret ninja training which teaches them how to break into your house undetected - at which point they swap out your lids with unmatched ones. They then invite you to their parties knowing full well you need more stuff, at which time they guilt you into hosting your own party against your will. It's all part of the Tupper-ninja training.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the Hokey Pokey all about? Bonus question: Where's Waldo?
- Gale

Dear Gale,
This was a tough one so I consulted the American Heritage Dictionary on both Hokey and Pokey. Here's what it said:

hok·ey (hō'kē)
adj. hok·i·er, hok·i·est Slang
1. Mawkishly sentimental; corny.
2. Noticeably contrived; artificial.

po·key 1 also po·ky (pō'kē)
n. pl. po·keys also po·kies Slang
A jail or prison.

Therefore, if you put them both together and you turn yourself around, you get - a mawkishly sentimental prison - which ironically is where Waldo is as well.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does the rain fall from up above?
- Mooselet

Dear Mooselet,
No wonder you don't know this - you're from Australia. Rain only falls from up above north of the equator. I understand why you're confused about this.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is my name? Do I have a boyfriend if so what is his name?
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I'm sorry about your amnesia. Unfortunately you used to have a boyfriend - until you bumped your head and forgot who you were - at which point he withdrew all your savings and moved to Bermuda with your sister.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I'm still kinda in love with my ex boyfriend and he has a new girlfriend. What do I do?
- Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,
Please, I understand you have short-term memory loss, but I just finished explaining this. It's over, move on.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do people in my dorm go out into the hall for cell phone privacy? That seems a little backwards to me.
- Dashofpanache

Dear Dashofpanache,
People only do that when they want to say horribly mean things about their roommates and don't want to hurt...

Umm, I mean I have no idea. Well then, seems like you stumped me on this one!

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Who decides what professions need to be tipped? Should I have tipped the woman who gave me a mammogram the other day? How much? What's the proper amount for a good boob smash?
- Mom Thumb

Dear Mom Thumb,
That depends on whether the smasher has gone above and beyond the call of duty. Did she refill your beverage without you having to ask? Did she not make you hang your butt out the back of a non-closing paper gown? But most importantly, did she deliver the smash within 30 minutes? Because if she didn't, the next one is free you know.

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Phew! Once again it appears Mr. Know-It-All has answered all your questions - at least for now. Therefore, it's time to leave some new questions for next time.

What would YOU like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?

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Humor-blogs.com knows everything about making you laugh!

Ode To My Mom

My youth was guided by your love
You made me feel secure
You taught me how to rise above
When others weren't so pure

And every night you tucked me in
And said this little prayer
I always fell asleep in peace
Just knowing they were there

"There are four corners on my bed
There are four angels overhead
Mathew, Mark, Luke and John
Bless this bed I sleep upon"

When I grew older you were there
To encourage me along
"You're such a great musician hon
Don't quit while you're so young"

And when I left to hit the road
To travel state to state
You cried and said you loved me
And you told me I'd be great

So thank you mom for all you've done
You're with me every day
In every good decision
That I've made along the way

* * * * *

Happy Mother's Day mom... I love you.

Go here or here for more on what my mom means to me.

Dear Diary - The Story of Christine

The following contains excerpts from an old diary I wrote when I was 18. Although the stories in this series are true, I hereby claim no responsibility for the maturity of the material written during that time.

If you've been following my Dear Diary series, you'll remember that when last we met, I ended with a passage that proclaimed my love for some girl named Christine.

...The first thing is "old cupid" has struck me down. Her name is Christine and she's wonderful...

Now, I've written some pretty embarrassing things about myself on this blog over the last 2 1/2 years, but I think I ought to tell you... this entry makes me want to change my name and enlist in witness protection until this cloud of shame blows over.

It's not that what I wrote is so embarrassing in terms of the words themselves, but more in terms of how incredibly ignorant I was for an 18 year old. After reading this, I consider it a miracle I ever advanced to the stage of actually dating women, let alone marriage and procreation.

Anyway, here is the entry of when I met Christine. But because it's too painful to simply publish as it was written, I'll need to hide behind some smart-assed commentary as well. You'll find that in red.

Enjoy.

... lucky me. The first thing is “old cupid” has struck me down. Her name is Christine and she’s wonderful. She started working at Cloud 9 last Fri and naturally I wanted to help her out and get to know her. click image to display remainder of story So later on we talked and BS’d about Cloud 9 and when we did we both noticed it. (the happy dance in my pants) It seems like love at first sight but it’s more than that. We talked so freely and listened so intently to each other it was great. On the same wavelength, we talked a little about Sleeper and I told her she could buy a tee-shirt for a couple of bucks (smooth, charge her for a gift... women love that) and she was thrilled. I said she’d have to be a fan of ours if she wore it (wet) and she insisted she wouldn’t miss a gig. Then her boyfriend (I heard engaged but I’m not sure (don't care) yet) came and picked her up. It was ok though – we liked each other (uh... me and the girl, not the boyfriend) - that’s what really counted. But – Today – I went to work and saw her in the window – waving and she said “I missed you”, oh, she said “hi” before that. No Shit. I couldn’t believe it. She’s sooo nice (gee Wally, shucks). I gave her the shirt and she soaked it up – I told her it was “on me” (but was thinking "off her") and she loved it. Then this – “Jeff, I hope I’m not being too forward but if you’d like to go out and have a drink sometime just give me a call.” (schwing!) And she gave me her number, and address – this was in case I was ever in the neighborhood (doing my paper route) I could stop in – “I have some alcohol or something too (really? she thought that was necessary to seal the deal?) – a nice warm fire” – I love it – I think I’m in love. (note to self: must start picking out baby names now) But once again – woe is me – I don’t even know why I’m writing this because in a few weeks it’ll probably be all over with anyhow. (enter mr. self esteem) 1st – I can’t figure out why she’s coming on so strong when she’s got a steady lover (or whatever he is) (transportation?) . And second, (the story of my life) – She’s 2 years older than me. (God. No!) I don’t have any idea why but when she asked, I told her I was 20. (because you're an idiot?) Now when I call her on Sun, I’ll have to tell her I’m only 18. What a drag – why can’t I be 20? (or at least 18 1/2) It happens all the time – I fall in love with beautiful girls (in the magazines) 2 or 3 years older than me who all are going to get married. All with the best possible personalities you can imagine (read... willing to talk to me) – and I end up dry every time. Well, not every time. (insert your own joke here) I hope it works out for us – I don’t want her to end anything serious with her boyfriend either just because of me. (*snort* oh please) What if we don’t work out (ya think?) – I don’t know, I’ll have to talk to her about it. But I still Love It!

So there you have it. My confession of undying eternal love for a woman I have... uh - no recollection of today. It's so hard to believe she wasn't the "one." Damn - and we were SO meant for each other!

One thing you may find hard to believe though... as of the time of this journal entry, I had not yet even made it to 2nd base with a girl. Or is it 3rd base? Or right field? How the hell would I know, I never even played baseball.

And how is this possible for an 18 year old you ask?

What, you didn't read the entry above? Hello!

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I heard Christine is waiting for you with a warm fire and some alcohol at humor-blogs.com

A Knight in Shrining armor

Well then, it seems that after a couple of less than uplifting posts in a row, it's time for a little "feel good" shout out.

This is my dad Bill. You know him from the mostly relevant comments he leaves here on a regular basis and from the infamous Billisms posts I've written over the last few years. My brother took this picture of him pulling in a steelhead from the Baptism River by Silver Bay the other day. That's Lake Superior in the background.

click to enlarge

Anway, what you don't know about Bill, is that he has raised nearly $200,000 for the Shriners Hospitals for Children over the past 11 years through fundraisers he has organized and managed himself.

And just this last Sunday, the Duluth News Tribune featured his story in a full page article. Here is an edited excerpt. The full story can be found here.

When charitable deeds get ink, ‘everybody wins’ Rob Karwath Duluth News Tribune Published Sunday, May 04, 2008 Bill Lee has a good cause and a good question. For a decade, local Knights of Columbus members have put on a four-day bratwurst and hot dog sale at area Super One stores. Much of the food is donated, and the rest is paid for by the grocery chain. All proceeds — and through last year they totaled $171,000 — are donated to the Shriners Hospitals for Children in Minneapolis. ...[Lee] told me about the history of the annual sale, which this year runs Wednesday through Saturday at 10 local Super One stores. In the 1950s, Lee’s nephew was severely burned cleaning paint brushes with gasoline. The boy was treated at the Shriners Hospitals in Minneapolis. Decades later, local Knights of Columbus members decided to start a fundraiser to benefit a worthy cause. They settled on the brat and hot dog sale benefitting Shriners Hospitals in Minneapolis, which also had treated friends and relatives of other local Knights. Hundreds of local Knights of Columbus members, working with local Shriners, now put on the sale. Super One provides the venues, much of the food and a cash donation. Twin Ports Paper & Supply helps the event advertise free on grocery bags distributed in Super One stores. Other local companies step up and do their part. “One hundred percent of the money we raise goes to the Shriners Hospitals,” Lee said. This year, the group hopes to raise at least $30,000, putting it over the $200,000 mark after 11 years. Lee isn’t advocating coverage so he or the other organizers receive recognition. He simply feels strongly about the cause and those who’ve helped make it a success. “We want to thank all the Knights who have done this for 10 years,” he said. “We want to thank the Shriners for all they do. And we want to thank Super One, too.” Mr. Lee, you just did.

What this story doesn't say is that Bill works pretty much year round contacting sponsors, securing advertising and planning these huge events region-wide. Not too shabby for someone who turned 80 last year.

So good job dad. You deserve this recognition for your tireless efforts toward helping the unfortunate children who need the help of the Shriners Hospitals. You should be proud of yourself.

I know I am.

I like mine toasty brown, not burnt

With the economic stimulus package now starting to hit bank accounts nationwide, we got into a discussion at work today about the national debt and the fact that this rebate is increasing it substantially.

In a quest to learn more about our national debt, I stumbled on an extremely sobering website maintained by a gentleman named Ed Hall. But before I send you there, notice what happens if you press the F5 key on your keyboard or click the browser refresh button on his website.

Ready? Click here.

That's right, it accumulates at approximately $30,000 per second, which ironically is the same amount that the web site says it would take each and every citizen of the United States to contribute if all 304 million of us were to help pay it off (although that includes everybody - children, retired and all). But if we did, we would have to hurry since that payoff number continues to rise every few minutes as well.

In other words, I could donate $30,000 right now, and in 1 second it would be eaten up and spent. Now that's encouraging.

Ed provides an excellent FAQ page here, with a pie chart showing who owns the debt, explanation of Debt vs Deficit, and detailed history of how it has accumulated over time. Here's one picture that is pretty clear.


And this site, Treasury Direct, provides facts and answers to other specific questions about the makeup of the national debt. You'll find a lot of serious information here, there's no question about it. But I was surprised to find that they actually have a sense of humor as well. I mean they are kidding when they list this question and answer. Right?

How do you make a contribution to reduce the debt?

Make your check payable to the Bureau of the Public Debt, and in the memo section, notate that it is a Gift to reduce the Debt Held by the Public. Mail your check to:

Attn Dept G
Bureau Of the Public Debt
P. O. Box 2188
Parkersburg, WV 26106-2188

Man, those people crack me up!

So folks, it looks like we have a choice. We can either do nothing and let the national debt continue to increase at a rate of $30,000 per second, or we can make a donation. OR - to be more efficient, we can simply throw dollar bills into our backyard fire pits and roast marshmallows over them.

At least then they would provide some benefit.

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Need a laugh after reading this? Stop on over to humor-blogs.com

Weekend Whine

Ok, so on Friday I was all "feeling good" about things - which was cool. But today is a different day and now I've got a few things I'm not feeling so hot about.

I don't feel stimulated
Nobody asked me or gave me the chance to vote on it, but had I been asked, I would have voted NO for the Economic Stimulus Package.

BUT... since I didn't have any choice in the matter in the first place, I'll happily take our $1800 and apply it toward our costs of living. Like for instance gas, food, or the cost of repairing the front end of my car because our city doesn't have enough money to fill the gigantic sink pot holes in our roads.

Hmmm, perhaps if the federal government were to help subsidize our state and local infrastructures, our town would be able to repair these roads. But apparently they gave all the money away. No wait that's not true, they didn't actually have money to give away so they borrowed it from China - and then gave it away. Sorry.

One thing that bites though is that our 17 year old no longer qualifies as a child tax credit for us, and so we don't get the money for him - which is totally fine. But what sucks it that since he's still considered a dependent of ours, he doesn't get the money either - even though he earned enough to qualify and paid taxes last year. So essentially, that rebate has fallen through the cracks. But for a few days when he thought he was gonna get $600, he was pretty stoked.

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If only there was a law against parental stupidity
I had to seriously bite my tongue tonight. While I was waiting at the hair salon, the woman next to me was pouring Vault Red Blitz down her 2 year old daughter's throat, just because she was whiny. And I'm not talking just a little sip either, I'm talking full mouth around the bottle and chugging the stuff.

How ignorant of a parent do you have to be to not know this is extremely unhealthy for a baby? And I'm guessing it's probably dangerous as well. But I suppose the fact that she was feeding her Cheetos before that should have tipped me off that nutrition wasn't first and foremost on her mind.

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If only there was a leash law. What's that... there is?
My daughter has a new paper route and every week I have to follow her closely in my car with my seatbelt unlatched and ready to jump out in an instant, because before she’s done, she will have been approached by at least four different loose dogs. EXCUSE ME... but the last time I checked, a person shouldn't have to feel threatened for simply walking down the sidewalk.

So far she hasn’t been bitten – but come on, if you're going to own a dog keep it tied up already. I don't know, I suppose I'm a little bitter after my parent's cat was killed by a loose dog a few years ago.

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And so there are my rants for the weekend. Don't know why I'm crabby today. Maybe it's because I didn't get enough sleep after our big rock and roll show last night. Although I suppose I should feel lucky... our drummer locked his keys in his truck and was still trying to figure out what he was going to do about it at 2:00 in the morning.

Now THAT sucks!

Feel good Friday

I knew that I would now...

So why are James and I feeling so happy today? (and you can't deny that James is happy. Just look at him for God's sake)


Because, my friends, for one thing... it's Friday!

But if that's not enough, I'm also feeling good for a few other reasons:

Party at my place tonight!
I'm feeling good because The Receders are playing tonight at The 400 Club right here in St. Cloud. This is something that always makes me happy. There's nothing I enjoy more than rocking out at a hip nightclub with a couple hundred of my closest friends.

And I'm callin you fellow Minnesotan's out on this too. There's no reason you can't stop by and have a few beers with me tonight. In fact, I've conveniently located this event right smack in the middle of the state to make it easy to get to. See you at 8:30!

They loves me at the baby store
I'm feeling good because the folks at Graco baby products (specifically Jon DeHart - thanks Jon!) have awarded me this awesome award for my post Axe Gone Wild. Apparently Jon has a 13 year old son who likes to douse himself in Axe as well. All I can say is... I feel your pain.

But the thing that intrigues me most is the fact that Graco has bloggers on staff! How cool is that? In an era where most companies treat blogging like some kind of disease, Graco actually encourages it! All I want to know is... where can I apply?

Meet me in St. Louis
I'm feeling good about all the millions of nice comments you all left on my last post. Thank you! Those are the kinds of rewards that inspire all of us bloggers to keep writing.

And speaking of St. Louis, I'm feeling good because my brother and I are planning on taking our motorcycles down there in August to attend DaveLouis, a blogger meet-up hosted by Ajooja and Dave from Blogography. Only instead of risking our lives on the freeway systems, we are instead going to follow the Mississippi River all the way from my house (which is 4 blocks away) to St. Louis on the historic Great River Road. Check out this incredible and scenic tour.

And that's why I'm feeling good today. So happy Friday everyone - I hope you're having a feel-good Friday as well!

I feel good, I knew that I would now
I feel good, I knew that I would now
So good... So good... I got you!

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Feel good about going to humor-blogs.com

Some call it coincidence, we call it destiny

It was the 4th of July, 1981 – and it was HOT. Record hot.

We had been driving all night from Jacksonville Florida and were just east of St. Louis when the air conditioner in our tour bus decided it had had enough and suddenly gave up in protest. It was right around noon.

It only took a few minutes before we were gasping for air and panting like sled dogs in Alabama. Suddenly, as we crossed over the Mississippi and saw St. Louis on the other side, a vision appeared before my sweaty eyes. There on the river’s edge, right beneath the behemoth shining silver arch, was a huge festival where thousands of people had gathered amidst the colorful tents and spinning rides. It was like St. Louis threw a surprise party just for me!


But then as we drove past it I saw my present. Right smack in the middle of all the people was a geyser. A beautiful cold wet delicious geyser shooting straight up in the air, and raining down on what appeared to be a small group of people - including 2 girls dancing around in the water.

I ran up to the front of the bus and smacked our driver on the shoulder.

“Dude… we HAVE to stop down there for a break. We’re suffocating in this thing and we can cool off there in that fire hydrant.”

“Man, I’d love to Jeff, but we have to play in Kansas City tonight and we’re barely gonna make it in time as it is. And by the time we work our way through all that traffic and find a place to park this beast it will be another hour. Sorry bud – but we just can’t stop.”

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In 1987 I was back in St. Louis again, but this time to perform for the Sammy Davis Jr. Telethon for M.S.

All the big stars were there… Sammy himself, Billy Crystal, Lola Falana, Lou Rawls and of course, Livingston Fury.

It was an exciting night to say the least. Hundreds of people packed the ballroom of the Adams Mark hotel, celebrities signed autographs, and for a few minutes earlier that evening, I was part of a historic and very worthy charity event.

But the best part was that fact that we were also hired to be the band at AJ's, the hotel nightclub, for the entire month to follow.

And the very next night is when I saw her - wearing a smokin hot skintight yellow minidress, dancing directly in front of the stage and sneaking suggestive peeks at me when she thought I wasn’t looking. Of course when you’re so cool that you wear sunglasses on stage, there really was no way she could tell when I wasn’t looking. Which was never.

Immediately after the first set ended her girlfriend came running up to the stage.

“My friend thinks you're hot!” she yelled over the Rick Astley tune the DJ was now playing.

“Well that’s true," I laughed, "I am sweating like a pig.”

And from there I made a bee-line directly to Charli’s table, where she immediately buried her face in her hands in utter embarrassment.

“Ah, don’t be embarrassed,” I schmoozed. “I was on my way over here anyway. Your friend just made it easier for me.”

And that’s how it all began. We spent every waking moment together that month getting to know each other… very well.

And one day we were looking through one of her scrapbooks from when she was younger, and on one of the pages was a picture from the St. Louis Post Dispatch of her and her girlfriend dancing around in a fire hydrant. I looked at the caption underneath the picture.

Young people taking advantage of a fire hydrant opened by the St. Louis Fire Department's Engine Co. 8 to help cool off VP Fair visitors on the riverfront.

Charli in the white shirt

I looked at the date at the top. It said 1981. This was incredible.

“Uh, please tell me about this picture.”

And that’s when Charli went on to explain how horribly hot it was that day, and how the fire department opened up the hydrant but for some reason they only kept it open for about 10 minutes.

“So you’re saying you were the only ones dancing in the water that day?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Because my sweet love… not only did I first see you 6 years ago, but I knew I wanted to be with you even then.”

And that, my friends, is what we call destiny!

The side effects of watching J-Lo

So my wife and I were flipping channels last Saturday night in a rare evening of nothing-to-do-ness, when we stumbled on Jennifer Lopez's movie Enough and got sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Sure it was far-fetched and predictable, but every now and then it's fun to just suspend reality and watch a good old fashioned "good guy wins" kind of movie.

That one ended at midnight, but before we could unwrap ourselves from our blanket and head to bed, Selena came right on and piqued Charli's curiosity. Apparently we were victims of a J-Lo marathon movie night. I'm pretty sure there are laws against things like that. I'm consulting a lawyer today.

Anyway, before we could escape, Charli pulled the blanket up to her chin and snuggled back in.

Charli: Ooh, I've always wanted to see this movie!
Me: Are you serious? It's 12:00. We can't stay up this late! Besides, I know how it ends... she gets shot and dies.
Charli: So what. What else do you have to do tonight?
Me: ?

Anyway, I figured a 90-minute flick... I'd be in bed by 1:30. Except that I forgot to factor in the commercials, which run every 8 minutes for 5 minutes - which if you do the math adds an extra 56.25 minutes to the total viewing time of the movie thus putting us at somewhere around 2:30. The only things that should be up at that hour are owls and couples on first dates.

But at least if I had to watch hours of commercials, I was lucky enough to have been subjected to this product for acid reflux.

Not fortunate because this product can help with a problem I have, but fortunate because of the way it's pronounced. Here's how it sounds:

If your doctor tells you it's acid reflux disease, ask if ASS EFFECTS is right for you.

Seriously? NO ONE in the product development or marketing departments caught this? To me this sounds like an awesome practical joke gone too far. I can hear the pitch in the board room by the smart-assed sales guy now.

Sales guy: Yes, the product is ready for market. I propose we call it Aci...(snort). Ahem, Aci...(snort). I'm sorry... Aci-phex (splurt chuckle chuckle).

President: And what is so funny about Aci-phex? I think it's perfect!

Sales guy: No, I wasn't laughing about the name. I was laughing at how much money we're going to make with this fantastic new product. I'm just giddy with excitement!

President: Very well then, let's do it!

Sales guy: You got it boss!

Get the right effect from your acid reflux medicine!

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Humor-blogs.com has the effect of making you laugh your ass off!

It's a bit drafty in here

Every blogger has them...

...story seeds, half-baked blogs and partial posts in the "draft" section of their editor. Right now I've got 49 different draft ideas in various stages of completion.

Well, I think it's time to clean out the closet. Since none of these posts are complete enough to be published on their own, I thought I'd combine some of these together here and close a few of these cold cases once and for all.

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From a recent Yahoo headline:

If cutting all the fat kids in half is good news, I'd hate the hear the bad news!

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Why?

Why is it the things that are best for you are always so hard? Why can't laying around eating potato chips be the best thing for your body? Would that be too much to ask?

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Non-reality TV

Is it just me or does it totally drive you nuts when the investigators on shows like CSI can recover impossibly obscure information with just a few clicks on the computer? This is a scene from an actual show I watched recently:

"Show me a satellite image of Chesapeake Bay from 1999. (click, clickety, click) Good! Now, give me the addresses of all the houses that have tin roofs within this area."

GAH! Here's another peeve... why do they still have to use that stupid "555" prefix on telephone numbers? Here I am completely invested in a TV or movie plot, suspending the fact that what I'm watching is fiction, and as soon as they whip out the "555" I am immediately transported back to reality and the moment is ruined. They seriously can't come up with a better fake number than that?

* * * * *

Deep thoughts

If you walked into a public restroom and heard the toilet running, would you walk over and jiggle the handle to stop it?

I did.

* * * * *

Mom, I'll explain this to you later

Don't know where this is from or how long it's been around, but it sure gave me a chuckle.

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For complete laughs, head on over to humor-blogs.com!

8 Random Things About Me

I was tagged by Drowsey Monkey recently to participate in a meme that's been around in one form or another for quite a while now - write 8 random things about yourself.

Over the last 2 1/2 years I've done variations on this theme... unimportant things, weird things, smelly things - so it's quite likely you may have seen some of these answers before. But hey, what can I say - there's a limit to the number of interesting things about me. Who knew?

These 8 things tend to lean more to the "odd" category than "random," but that's what I feel like writing about today.

1. I can't use an extension cord if there's a knot in it
For reals. No matter how long the cord, no matter how messed up it is or how simple the knot is, I have to untangle it before I can plug it in.

2. Given a full plate of food, I'll always eat my veggies first
I think I just like to get them out of the way.

3. If I'm holding a clothes pin, I'll clip it to various parts of my head - such as my ears, my eyebrows or my chin
Must have something to do with tactile stimulation, but I actually enjoy the feeling of having a clothes pin clipped to my skin. This is probably the single thing that freaks my wife out the most.

4. I have 2 piercings in my left ear
Leftover from the 80's. The holes are still open and occasionally I'll put a small diamond stud in the bottom one when I'm doing a gig. I would have thought that the holes would have closed up after all these years but they really haven't. A good thing to remind your kids before they decide it's cool to put holes all over their faces.


5. I love braunschweiger and pickle sandwiches
Mmmm. Nothing says delicious like liverwurst!



6. The blinker in my car is a metronome to me
When sitting at an intersection with my blinker on, I HAVE to bang out a counter-rhythm on the steering wheel to the steady beat of the blinker. It's not optional.

7. According to my wife, my legs run like a dog when I'm sleeping
Hmmm, RLS or leftover habits from my previous life as a Labrador retriever?

8. I don't eat for the first time every day until noon
I'm just not hungry when I wake up in the morning. But once I get to the office, I have a cup of coffee first thing, followed by another one at 11:00. You could set your watch by it.

Feel free to post your own version of this one if you want. I'm not much of a tagger so if you want it... it's yours!

Just bring me my free desert please

A good friend of mine was telling me about her birthday dinner the other night at Applebee's.

Apparently the whole "let's sing her a birthday song!" event went horribly awry and instead of having a 1/2 dozen jubilant servers belting out a hardy chorus of whatever it is they sing there, she instead had one lone waiter squeaking it out by himself - and out of key. It was embarrassing for the both of them.

I'm always impressed by the fact the servers have to take valuable time out of their already busy evening to begrudgingly gather together so they can sing a ridiculous song to someone who doesn't even want to hear it in the first place. I can only imagine how challenging that must be to coordinate.

Over the years I've seen some pretty creative and lame versions of this routine. One of the better ones was when Austin turned 10. We took him to Joe's Crab Shack and the entire staff came out and led him around the restaurant in a giant conga line that picked up customers along the way. By the time they were done there was 15 or 20 people in the line. Pretty exciting for him.

The fastest version I've heard so far was at T.G.I. Friday's...

*clap* *clap* *clap* *clap* "Here's your birthday song. It isn't very long. HEY!"

I give them credit for keeping it short - for both the servers AND the customer.

So what about you? Do you have an example of a restaurant birthday song experience, either creative or lame? Or how about a song that has stuck with you after taking your kids to 1000 different birthday dinners in their lifetimes?

I'd like to know, because if misery loves company - I'd like to share it with my friend.

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It's always your birthday at humor-blogs.com!

Breaking Celebrity News: Jesus cloned and proof that Elvis lives!

Wow, I just realized that the frequency of my blog rounds is waning.

With so much going on these days at home and work - AND with Spring finally arriving, I'm finding less and less "free" time to be stopping by all the other fine works you fabulous people are producing. And now that Charli is starting her new job soon, I'll be picking up some extra responsibilities around the old homestead as well.

Bottom line, I'll still be writing and reading your stuff on my feed reader on a regular basis, but probably not stopping by as often as I used to. I understand that it will probably cost me some readers in the long run, but life is all about balance - and right now this is how it's playing out for me. Hopefully you'll still love me in the morning.

All righty then... now that I've blathered on about quality writing and such, here's a couple of nonPulitzer-winning items I thought were kind of cool.

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This quiz takes you through 25 questions and tests your powers of observation of everyday things (note: may only work in IE).

I answered 19 of 25 correct - the first time, and 25 of 25 correct my second try. See how good my powers of observation are?

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And this site lets you key in your first and last names and then calculates how many other people in the US have the same name. VERY important stuff.

For example:
- There are 1,979 other people with the same name as mine. And I thought I was so unique.
- There are 510 people named George Bush. Somebody should send them sympathy cards.
- There are 6 people named Jesus Christ! Which is probably a good thing. At this point I don't think just one of him is going to cut it.

But most importantly, check this out...

HowManyOfMe.com

There is 1 person with the name Elvis Presley in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

And you thought the rumor that he was still alive and living in Hawaii eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches was an urban legend.

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According to this site, there are 0 people named Diesel. So just who IS behind the curtain at humor-blogs.com?

I'm outta here!

Good news everyone, according to this email I received yesterday, I don't have to work anymore!

CONFIRMATION OF EMAIL TICKET NUMBER:01-13-400ESP You have won $1,000,000.00.(One Million United State Dollars) in the Euro millions Email Sweepstakes Program Corporation, held on the 4th of April. 2008. in Brussels Belgium. We write to officially notify you of this award and to advise you, To contact the processing office immediately. for the claim agent for more information on how you are to claim your funds. Contact Person,Mr.Peter Klaes, of Euro millions Lottery Agency City/Country:Brussels,Belgium. TEL:0032-488-668-565 or 01132-488-668-565 Reply to E-mail:euromillions007@switched.com Winning Information's Reference No,BE22/85428 Serial No, HW27/98541 Lucky No,11-13-18-37-4 Batch No, WX23/52641 Email Ticket No,(01-13-400ESP) Note:all winning must be claimed not later than 2nd of May 2008. Sincerely, Mrs,Nadine Debecker Promotions Coordinator Email:euromillions007@switched.com

This is actually very ironic timing, considering my wife Charli just got hired by a huge online banking firm who happens to have a corporate hub right here in St. Cloud.

I don't want to mention the name because I like to keep her personal business away from the potential of anyone finding their way back here, and being able to read how her dorky husband likes to write about all things poop and things like that. But let's just say she now works for a company with a logo that involves this.

So feel free to wish Charli a hearty round of congratulations. She's wanted to work for this company for a long time and is very excited to be part of the team.

But the best part?

I now have an excellent place for my new million to gather the highest interest rate on the market!

Turning 101

It's a simple concept really... when you make a turn onto a road with multiple lanes, you move from the lane you're in to the associated lane on the road you're turning on to.

Apparently this is more complicated than I thought, because for some reason, a large percentage of the population seems to believe that you can cross directly over to the lane farthest away from you.

You might think I'm exaggerating when I say that, but if you simply watch, you'll notice that you see this stunt every. single. day.

Here's one example of the proper and improper ways to make a left-hand turn onto a one-way road. I took this picture from the Minnesota Driver's Manual. Please review (click to enlarge).

If this reminder stops even one person from doing this I'll be a much happier camper...

... because I don't have a whole lot of hair left to pull out.

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Turn here for some good laughs!

Ok Mother Nature, this isn't funny anymore

I mean it looks pretty enough and all...

my yard - April 11, 2008

... but I'm ready for Spring. You know, that whole March 21 vernal equinox thing? Remember that? When the grass turns green and the flowers bloom?

Besides - this is not helping Al Gore's case one bit.

Dawn of the Dead

Bless me father for I have sinned...

... if you consider murder an actual sin that is.

Last October I wrote this story about how my boys bought their sister some nice little fishies for her birthday, and how instead of putting them in an aquarium we decided to let them enjoy the natural setting of our backyard pond, and how quickly they multiplied from 4 to about 15, and how confused we were about what to do with them at the end of the year before winter set in.

Well, apparently in my world "confused" means - do nothing and hope they beat the odds of freezing into solid fish-cicles, because that's exactly what I did.

And how did that work out? See for yourself... this is what we found yesterday morning.

After the frozen block of ice we used to call a pond finally thawed out this week (yes I know it's mid April thank you) this little guy broke free from his icy trap and floated to the surface.

And then another one yesterday afternoon.

And still another one last night!

NO... STOP! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

It's like some kind of B horror movie where dead people keep popping out the ground and showing up on the surface to haunt the irresponsible people who caused them to die in the first place. No wait, it's not like a movie at all... THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT IS!!!

Crap. I wonder how many Hail Mary's I'll have to say to get out of this one.

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You'll die laughing at humor-blogs.com

Axe gone wild

God help any of you who have teenage boys... who have discovered Axe body spray.

It starts innocently enough when they're about 14 or so. Your son walks by you on the way out the door and you smell it - a sweet scent you haven't smelled before - kinda nice actually. You smile because your son is growing up and he seems to be concerned about his personal hygiene.

But then before you know it, something goes horribly wrong.

A few weeks later he walks by again and you wince. Instead of the soft faint "hint" of a pleasant cologne, it now appears that he has figured out how to install an Axe dispenser directly into the shower water line.

Um, yeah... was there some kind of Axe malfunction this morning son? Because right now all the hair in my nose has been burned clean and the lenses on my eyeballs have melted. I'm just saying... you might want to check the nozzle on that can.

But here's what really did me in...

A few months ago I took my son and 4 of his friends down to an indoor skate park about an hour away. While they were doing their thing I went shopping in the nearby town and returned 3 hours later to pick them up. When they got into the car, I immediately started coughing.

What the?.... Oh God, please no... Not all FIVE of you!

Apparently, after skating hard and sweating for 3 hours the boys started to stink. And what do you do when you smell rank? Why you douse yourself in Axe, that's what!

So now I'm trapped in a car in the middle of winter, full of pubescent teenage boys wreaking of b.o. and Axe, that smells like someone threw a perfume grenade into a locker room.

I don't care if it IS 10 below outside boys... these windows be goin down!

And that's how we rode home. I didn't like it and the boys didn't like it either - but I didn't really have much choice...

it's impossible to drive when your eyeballs have melted.

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Wanna smell something funny? Squirt this.

Weekend Update

This is the song that comes into my head when I think of weekend blogging. I picture an endless desert with nobody around, and a single cowboy blogger riding alone on his horse.

But I guess it's not a bad thing that bloggers are doing something else on their weekends besides... well, blogging. I suppose it means that people actually have lives. Imagine that.

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I woke up this morning after having this strange dream where I was playing in a nightclub, and after one of my songs some guy in the audience stood up and started belting out Billy Joel's song Big Shot, but he was doing it all Billy Joel-style.

Wuellll, you went uptown riding in your limousine, in your fine Park Avenue clo-othes. You had the dom perignon in your hand and the spoon up your nose.

Then when he was finished, he handed the microphone over to some middle-aged woman in a blond wig and bright blue eye shadow who stood up and started singing Miley Cryus's song See You Again. But in her case she couldn't sing in key and everyone started yelling at me to make her stop.

Then I woke up in a cold sweat.

I'm pretty sure I know where that one came from. Yesterday afternoon I went to church to take advantage of the discount admission price of the Saturday 4:30 service, and when I got there the piano player was in a panic because the scheduled cantor hadn't shown up, and she started begging me to come up and lead the singing. I tried to decline seeing as how I was wearing jeans and tennis shoes but she wouldn't have anything to do with it, and the next thing I knew there I was... belting out church songs, and doing it all Billy Joel-style.

Ok, the last part wasn't true, but I'm guessing these two incidents are related. As far as psychoanalysis goes, I'm a pretty easy read - kind of like a Golden Book of nutjobs. Anyway, the singing went fine and nobody threw tomatoes - but I think I saw the priest look directly at me and mouth "except you" when he offered the sign of peace. So I'm feeling a little insecure about that.

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Fianlly for those of you who use Blogger, you simply HAVE to check out this blog. http://www.bloggerbuster.com It contains everything you ever wanted to know about how to customize your blog and much much more.

The awesome author of it, Amanda, is a wizard on how to modify your template and not only shows you hundreds of the best template designs going, but she also publishes complete tutorials on how to make the most popular modifications - including the actual code to do them! And if that's not cool enough, Amanda will actually answer your questions personally if you email her. How amazing is that?

The only downfall I've found about her site is that I now have to find a spare 100 hours so I can start trying all the awesome new widgets and tricks and magic sprinkles she provides.

Hmm, maybe I'll use the weekends for that. I don't blog then anyway.

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You can ALWAYS find something funny at Humor-blogs.com. Even on the weeknends!

Unimportant? I guess that depends on who you ask.

One of my bestest blogger friends, Jess - from Riley's Ramblings - just tagged me for a meme where I'm supposed to list Six Unimportant Things about myself.

First of all, let me just say that I'd be hardpressed to find any unimportant things about myself - let alone six. But I'll give it my best shot.

But only because I adore Jess and she totally cracks me up. In fact, I am so infatuated with her writing that I preordered her new novel Driving Sideways 6 full months before it was even due to be released. Now it's FINALLY going to be published on May 20th.

All I can say is, IT'S ABOUT FRIGGEN TIME! (tap tap tap)

Anyway, if you haven't met Jess yet go here now. You'll be glad you did.

And now on to the memege.

I present to you Six Unimportant Things About Jeff:

1. I've worked in this same office with these same 4 people for 12 years now.

We've had others come and go, but these folks have been here with me since day 1 and are like my 2nd family. I've never worked at a place where everyone gets along as well as we do. It sounds corny, but they actually make it fun to go to work everyday. Now that I think about it, I suppose that's probably not so unimportant after all.

One thing you should know though, this cleaning woman got it all wrong. You can tell that by the evidence of the Windex we keep at the ready. Of course that's the same bottle we bought 12 years ago, but still.

2. I drive a 17 year-old Geo Prism back and forth to work every day.


The problem is, even at 115,000 miles, the damn thing still runs perfectly, AND gets over 30 mpg. And because I won't replace it until it dies a natural death, I'm likely to still be driving this old shoebox for another 17 years. But when I do finally need to replace it, I'll have all this excellent advice from you guys. Thanks everyone!

3. I eat a bowl of this cereal with no added sugar every night before bed. It satisfies my munchie craving and isn't as bad as the crap I would be ingesting if I wasn't interested in living past 50.

Hmm, maybe this entry doesn't fit this meme. I mean come on... Special K? It doesn't get any more important than that.

4. I set my cellphone ringtone to sound like an old fashioned regular telephone. In a world where everyone else's phones are playing Broadway musicals and hip hop diatribes, my ordinary ringtone has actually become a novelty.

5. Whereas most normal people have fun music stations tuned in on their radios, I only listen to public radio. This severely limits my "hipness" factor in that I haven't heard any new music in like 10 years. People often think just because I'm a musician, they can come to me for advice on who's hot in the music industry. They're wrong.

6. My reputation in Great Briton is mud because of this man. First he falsely accused me of stealing Huddersfield's mutant duck, and now he's accusing me of having a tawdry extramarital affair based off of an innocent picture taken totally out of context.

Normally this would be deemed very important news, but because it's all based off a bunch of lies, I'm going to shut down this rumor mill right here and now - and claim it UNIMPORTANT!

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It's VERY important that you go to humor-blogs.com