Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"Bill-isms" - Part I

My dad's name is Bill.

In my last post I mentioned just a few of the sayings he is so famous for, at least within my family's immediate circle of siblings and friends. Because my dad is indeed "pushin 80", I thought it might be a good idea to start capturing (and explaining) some of his unique "Bill-isms" while he is still spewing them out on a regular basis. Following will be an ever-growing list of these, as I continue to remember them:

"Don't feel sorry for anyone dumb enough to get hurt"
This one is classic. Right at the exact time you hurt yourself and need a little daddy-TLC the most, Bill will unleash this one. In fact, my psychologist and I talked about this one just the other day.

"Don't break it!"
Used EVERY time without exception when you are about to tighten a nut. Variation: "Don't strip it!" - used when tightening a screw.

"I'll boot ya in the ass!"
Bill's most used threat whenever one of us kids were screwing around or not listening. In our entire lifetime, not one of us were ever booted in the ass.

"Crazy mixed up kids!"
Said to his friends to justify why we were embarrassing him whenever we embarrassed him, which was usually every time he was talking to one of his friends.

"Aim high, hit low"
The only thing you need to know when engaging in a fist fight with someone.

"Lookit here - buttermilk!"
Another one of those used EVERY time without exception (uEtwe) phrases - said immediately before drinking a glass of buttermilk. Variation: "Lookit here - avocado sandwich."

"I'm headin for the bone orchard"
Almost dead

"Never back up any further than you have to"
I've actually always liked this one, and use it often. This is some very good common sense advice that I believe actually helps prevent rear-end fender benders. However, it only helps if you think of it every time you back up. Fortunately for me, because Bill has mentioned it no less than 10,000 times (9000 of them during my first year of driving), I ALWAYS think of it.

"Turn here"
Not particularly unique to Bill, but qualifies as a Bill-ism because of when he uses it, such as when I'm getting ready to turn onto the street he lives on - the same street I also lived on for 20 years!

"That's enough to gag a maggot!"
Used to describe something REALLY smelly.

"Quit your grab-assin"
Quit screwing around. Most often used in conjunction with others listed above, as in:
"Quit your grab-assin or I'll boot ya in the ass, ya crazy mixed up kids!"

"Who's in the basement?"
Yet another uEtwe phrase - EVERY time Bill would come into the house and notice that the basement lights were on. I always assumed he was asking for the mere purpose of trying to save energy so he could turn the lights off if no one was down there. However, it never really seemed to matter what response came from the basement because he always flicked the lights off from the top of the stairs anyway.

Words always pronounced this way:
"inconfident" (incompetent)
"chanch" (chance)

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