Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Lottery Loser

I think the lottery is dumb.

Yeah, I know, I wouldn't be saying that if I was a winner. But because I will NEVER be a lottery winner I feel pretty safe in announcing my distain for it.

The reason I know I will never be a winner? Easy... I never win anything. Period.

And what really bugs me is that in addition to the fact that I think the lottery is dumb and I'm positive I will never win it - I have been forced against my will to actually play it every time it starts to get big!

You see, every time the lottery surpasses 35M or so, the 7 people in my office each contribute one dollar in the hopes of increasing the 146,000,000:1 odds (updated) to a MUCH higher possibility of 145,999,993:1. Then, when we do actually match one or two of the numbers, we reinvest the winnings into more tickets to increase our odds even higher.

And how have we fared? Well, in the 8 or so years that we have been doing this, our net profit is........ oh yeah, zero.

So why don't I quit whining and choose to opt out of the office pool?

Because I can't. Well not literally. I do have the choice to not contribute my dollar. But what I don't have, is the ability to lose to the rest of the schmucks I work with every day.

You see, I actually have no interest in playing the lottery, and would never voluntarily belly up to the local Super America counter and purchase one of these things because:
a) I'm smarter than that
b) I liken the idea of spending a dollar on a ticket to crumpling it up and tossing it into the garbage
c) I'm smarter than that

But since everyone else in my office has decided to play, I now have been held hostage to the idea that if I don't play with them, one day I may come to work and find an office full of empty desks. And that is just something I don't think I could live with. So that's it. It's not that I play to win, I play to not lose to them.

And how am I so sure that I will never win? Because I royally suck at gambling - of any kind.

I seriously have to be the most unlucky gambler on the planet. Here's a simple example. You know how a power cord, for like a lamp or something, has one prong a little wider than the other one so it can only go into the wall one way? Well - EVERY time I go to plug something in, whether it's my toaster or my iron or whatever - I ALWAYS get it wrong the first time. That's how bad my odds of getting something right are. In fact, I'm so bad at gambling, that if I were to bet you that in my next attempt at plugging something in I would get it wrong - I would instead get it right.

The irony of the whole thing is, is that by joining the rest of my office pals in the lottery pool, I'm virtually guaranteeing that they will never win either. And that is something I know I can live with.

See you losers tomorrow!!!

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