Monday, December 26, 2005

"Bill-isms" - Part III

My dad's name is Bill.

Due to the extreme popularity of Bill-isms and Bill-isms Part II - The Sequel, a third "Bill-isms" is now inevitable to complete the trilogy. Thanks to my sis (who has contributed to these via her comments in Bill-isms Part II) we now have enough of Bill's fertilizer to keep the list growing. In fact, I would like to extend this invitation to ANYONE who knows of Bill and his sage words of... well, his words - to submit your known Bill-isms. Hey, if we've come up with these so far, there must be more!!! So now, onto Part III:

"Dumb kid - I teach you everything I know and you don't know nothin!"
Bill's way of ribbing you, and himself, when you screw up.

"Don't go hog wild!"
Don't overdo it. (I never said these were clever, only things that Bill says)

"You picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel"
His favorite song to make pun of. You're right, he's no Weird Al.

"What time do the Chinese go to the dentist? 2:30 (tooth-hurty)"
One of Bill's all time favorite "jokes". I debated to even write this one, but then figured that if someone was offended by this Bill-ism, they're wound too tight.

"If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all."
Bill didn't invent this by any means but he likes to say it - and it's good advice to boot.

(the following are based on submissions from sis)

"Need a ride Lois?"
Bill's "clever" way of suggesting he is ready to leave an event. And if you don't hurry, he will actually head out to the car and honk the horn. No, this is not just an urban legend.

"Lois, popsicle!"
One comment Bill will most likely never live down. During one brief period when he was confined to a chair after surgery, Bill was actually heard "ordering" a popsicle from Lois. Unfortunately for him, his daughter was around to hear it.

"On the other hand, she wore a glove"
In that rare moment when he realizes he has not said anything for awhile, Bill will "come to" and blurt this out. Pure Bill bull.

"Here, hold this"
As in, "hold this end of the spark plug wire while I pull the lawnmower cord to test the spark." After the impending shock to the holder, Bill will respond with "OK, it works!" Unsuspecting helpers will fall for this - once.

"Go in the bathroom and grab me that new Time magazine, would ya?"
Another clever ploy from Bill, this time to get someone to go into the bathroom after he's been in there first. I believe this is the actual origin of "there's something rotten in Denmark." Again, unsuspecting helpers...

"Tough to get good help around here"
Bill's response whenever someone (i.e. Lois) doesn't just jump right up and fetch.

14 comments:

Bill said...

I am glad you listened to some things I said. You might have heard others, like look both ways when you cross the street. Don"t play with matches. Watch out who you pick for a friend etc. These are what parents tell their children because they love and want to protect them.---DadGG

Harmonica Man said...

Ya, it's funny how you remember something - WHEN YOU HEAR IT 10,000 TIMES! Oh yeah, and thanks - love you too.

Curtis said...

Wow I guess I didn't spend enough time around Bill!! I've only heard a few of these! I'm sure there were plenty I'd heard that I could add to the collection... give me some time, I'm sure I'll remember them.

The first one that comes to mind is a variation of the "Lois" in a singsong voice... I can hear it like it was yesterday. "Oohhh, Curtis!" Same singsong voice... drag out the "oh".

Or how about the time his answering machine greeting included this; "... and if you're selling something, call the neighbors"

Harmonica Man said...

I love it! Thanks Curtis!

Jessica said...

Oh my gosh...I remember a time when I must have been five or six years old, and I rode my bike over to the Lee household. Next thing I know, Bill's throwing a fox skin at me and saying, "Hey Jessica, hold this!" Needless to say, I've been scarred ever since, and every time I see someone wearing a fur I remember this critical point of my childhood.
I also remember frequently hearing the warning, "don't monkey around with that," quite vividly; I never did, so unfortunatly there's not a story to go with that one.
And don't forget the time he chopped the tree down and it fell on our clothesline...;)

Linda said...

Living next door to Bill and Lois was one of the greatest blessings our family has had. We would always go to the Parade of Homes and we would talk about moving into a different house and, I'm serious here, we would say no, then we wouldn't have Bill and Lois as neighbors. OK, there is a Billism that starts with "I once dated a girl . . " and I can't remember the rest. Anyone?

Harmonica Man said...

Bill? I once dated a girl...?

I hope she wasn't from Nantucket!

Linda said...

LOL, no, she wasn't from Nantucket. It seems like she had a sister . . . why can't I remember this, I must have heard it a thousand times. I must been headin' for the bone orchard . .

Anonymous said...

Linda: No more coments or I will bring up the big guns. Lois is holding me back on the closeline incident. --- Silent Bill.

Linda said...

LOL, Silent One, bring it on. I think you don't come off so good in that tale! ;-)

Curtis said...

There are two clotheline incidents.. the one I'm allowed to talk about is the time when Bill cut down the tree in his yard, so sure of himself as to where it would land.

It didn't land where he thought it would, and instead took out the clothelines in the neighbor's yard... ours!!

I also remember stories about how Bill used to be called "aleck"... and then people would tell him he was smart. So, naturally, smart aleck became his nickname.

That's the best I can remember that one... I'm sure Bill remembers it and can correct me if I'm wrong.

-- Curtis

Harmonica Man said...

You definitely hit on one there. In addition to people calling him smart Aleck, he always says that he is such as smart ass that he can sit on a nickel and tell you what side is up.

Ahhh, will they never end?

Curtis said...

Haha I never heard the nickel one... probably because Bill figured (at the time when we lived in Duluth) I was a bit young to hear "smart ass".

That's pretty good, I'll remember that... for I'm quite the smart ass myself !!!

Anonymous said...

I can sit on a coin and tell which side is heads or tails.