Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Don't Wanna Buy Me A Dog

I took my daughter to see Disney's The Shaggy Dog this weekend. It was very cute and a great movie for a 9 year-old girl. I enjoyed the 2 hours of being mildly entertained while relaxing. Of course on the way out of the theater, my daughter attempted another one of her famous, "Awww, I sure wish we had a dog" guilt assaults with both barrels. Fortunately I had on my sweet-little-girl-resistant body armor.

I've never really been a big dog fan. My kids have tried (unsuccessfully) over the years to try to get me to "bite," if you will, but I've never been sold on the idea.

I guess I don't mind other people's dogs. I don't, however, particularly like being licked or sniffed or humped - at least by dogs. But I've never been interested in owning one myself. Here's just a few reasons why:

  • I'm lazy. I'm not the kind of person who wants to take a dog outside every other day or so to go to the bathroom.
  • I like my freedom. I don't want to have to find someone to watch my dog if I want to go somewhere - and you have to pay to put them in one of those doggie prison kennel places.
  • I'm cheap. Dogs are expensive! Between vet bills and food alone it's like having another kid. I've got enough kids.
  • They stink. Last I heard, dogs won't take a shower or brush their teeth. Yuck.
  • Most dogs are dumb. Dog's have one response to EVERYTHING, and that is to bark. Bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark bark. (I say most dogs are dumb because I have met a few dogs that don't bark at everything, but they're few and far between)
  • They're messy. Forgive me, but I don't like having to have to dodge land mines in my yard. And because I'm lazy, I don't want to have to clean them up. Therefore I'm left with having to dodge them. Either that or let the dog run loose to crap in other people's yards.
  • They're caustic. In addition to being messy, their mess will actually kill your lawn. Ever see a yard full of dead spots? When I was a kid my friend's dog actually killed their pine tree because it peed on it every day.
Ok, that's probably enough reasons why I personally won't ever own a dog.

There would be one dog I might consider however. And that's because he is smart, well trained, not stinky, healthy, and cleans up after himself. But above all that, he is

ADORABLE


Click here to "shaggify" your own self at Disney's Shaggy Dog web site.

5 comments:

Dave2 said...

I maintain that if I saw such a dog approaching me on the street, the word "adorable" would be the last thing on my mind... it would be more like AAAAAAHHHGH! MUTANT DOG! MUTANT DOGS ARE ON THE LOOSE! HELP! HELP! HELLLLLLLLLLLPP!! DIE DOGGY, DIIIIEE!!

I feel the same way about Goofy, so don't feel slighted in the least. :-)

Mooselet said...

Oh man... you are a scary looking mutt let me tell you. I'm with Dave, I'd be running right behind him screaming.

I've got two dogs and you're correct in that they are dumber than boxes of rocks - they don't even qualify for the box of hammers, as hammers have a 'smart' quality. However in the 3 1/2 years since they arrived in Oz I've never had a break-in, and they scare the Jehovah's Witnesses away. Purpose served.

Harmonica Man said...

Ahh, Jehovah's alarms. That IS a redeeming quality I must say. Dogs do actually serve a purpose for a lot of people such as security, hunting, companionship and etc. Just not for me, thank you.

Jess Riley said...

First, those are exactly the same reasons why I don't have kids. Second, that picture is the most disturbing thing I've seen since the picture of the homeless, well-endowed crazy guy wearing a beige body suit was making the email rounds.

That last sentence was grammatically incorrect, but I don't care.

Harmonica Man said...

Oh you writer types. Don't you just hate it when people mess with proper grammar?

I was going to say "your own bad self" but then figured people might see through the fact that I'm not actually from the 'hood.

I never saw the crazy guy email. Perhaps you could humor me with a copy?