My dad's name is Bill.
For any of you who weren't around when I first began publishing them, Bill-isms are little sayings and quotes my dad says on an all too-frequent basis (you can find the history of Bill-isms in the "MY PARENTS" drop-down box in my sidebar). None of these are actually funny in a "ha ha" kind of way, but are funny to those of us who know Bill - much like the way it's funny when a record skips on a phrase and plays it over and over again.
These little ditties are a big part of who Bill is and have worked their way down through the generations - from his dad, through my family and now on down to my kids as well. In fact, it's not uncommon to hear one of my kids spout a Bill-ism and the other one say, "Hey, that's what Grandpa says!"
The important thing is that I share the pain with all of you. So with that in mind, here is the latest round of...
"I like to drink buttermilk, because that's what makes the cowboys so tough"
This one usually follows this Billism, "Lookit here - buttermilk!" I really doubt anyone believes that drinking buttermilk makes cowboys tough and I don't think it makes sense to cast this stereotype on cowboys in the first place. Fortunately no cowboys have filed any formal complaints or lawsuits.
"I taught Brett Favre everything he knows"
This is one of my kids' favorites. And when they were very little Bill actually had my younger son convinced this was true. I suppose when the big kids don't buy it anymore you can always sell it in the 5 year-old market.
"Many a true word is spoken in jest"
Bill likes to say this old English proverb whenever he hears someone make a derogatory "joke" about someone else, especially when the joke is followed up with "I was just kidding!" Actually, after listening to the way some people use humor to try to disguise mean things they say about other people, I've come to believe this is often true.
"I was so smart in school my teachers used to get my name mixed up. They always thought my name was Alec, and would often say, 'There goes that smart Alec!'"
Oh God, Bill loves this joke. I guarantee that within 1 hour of the first time you meet him, you'll hear him say this. Thank you Curtis for reminding me of this one.
"I'm such a smart ass that I can sit on a nickel and tell you which side is up"
Another one of Bill's favorite jokes, which usually follows the one above.
"When all else fails, read the instructions"
A classic Bill comment used whenever he has to concede to the instruction manual. Bill, like most males, will ALWAYS try to assemble something first without using the instructions. Always.
"What do you want me to do, roll it around it my mouth?"
This one dates back to my childhood when my mom's mom would join us for dinner. Grandma's comment would usually be something like, "For goodness sakes Bill, you eat so fast how can you even taste what you're eating!" Bill would then respond with this classic comeback.