Sunday, April 30, 2006

"Bill-isms" - Part IV

My dad's name is Bill.

For any of you who weren't around when I first began publishing them, Bill-isms are little sayings and quotes my dad says on an all too-frequent basis (you can find the history of Bill-isms in the "MY PARENTS" drop-down box in my sidebar). None of these are actually funny in a "ha ha" kind of way, but are funny to those of us who know Bill - much like the way it's funny when a record skips on a phrase and plays it over and over again.

These little ditties are a big part of who Bill is and have worked their way down through the generations - from his dad, through my family and now on down to my kids as well. In fact, it's not uncommon to hear one of my kids spout a Bill-ism and the other one say, "Hey, that's what Grandpa says!"

The important thing is that I share the pain with all of you. So with that in mind, here is the latest round of...

Billisms: Part IV

"I like to drink buttermilk, because that's what makes the cowboys so tough"
This one usually follows this Billism, "Lookit here - buttermilk!" I really doubt anyone believes that drinking buttermilk makes cowboys tough and I don't think it makes sense to cast this stereotype on cowboys in the first place. Fortunately no cowboys have filed any formal complaints or lawsuits.

"I taught Brett Favre everything he knows"
This is one of my kids' favorites. And when they were very little Bill actually had my younger son convinced this was true. I suppose when the big kids don't buy it anymore you can always sell it in the 5 year-old market.

"Many a true word is spoken in jest"
Bill likes to say this old English proverb whenever he hears someone make a derogatory "joke" about someone else, especially when the joke is followed up with "I was just kidding!" Actually, after listening to the way some people use humor to try to disguise mean things they say about other people, I've come to believe this is often true.

"I was so smart in school my teachers used to get my name mixed up. They always thought my name was Alec, and would often say, 'There goes that smart Alec!'"
Oh God, Bill loves this joke. I guarantee that within 1 hour of the first time you meet him, you'll hear him say this. Thank you Curtis for reminding me of this one.

"I'm such a smart ass that I can sit on a nickel and tell you which side is up"
Another one of Bill's favorite jokes, which usually follows the one above.

"When all else fails, read the instructions"
A classic Bill comment used whenever he has to concede to the instruction manual. Bill, like most males, will ALWAYS try to assemble something first without using the instructions. Always.

"What do you want me to do, roll it around it my mouth?"
This one dates back to my childhood when my mom's mom would join us for dinner. Grandma's comment would usually be something like, "For goodness sakes Bill, you eat so fast how can you even taste what you're eating!" Bill would then respond with this classic comeback.

5 comments:

Suburban Turmoil said...

Ooh, I love the nickel one. I'm going to have to use that myself.

Bill sounds a lot like my grandfather, actually. :)

Dad said...

Jeff: I will take refuge behind the fact that I will be 79 in 2 months. I will remind you that "History is a series of lies" . I cannot remember saying any of those things. I do remember that some people thought we had a white kitchen floor because you spilled so many cartons of milk. Do you remember how your mother kept saying, "Someone else better get the milk". Finally I think there must be a few Loisisms in your repertoire that you can sing. Just tread lightly or she might just drop you and your family from her prayer list!

Mooselet said...

Dad's are good for these. Let me share with you three classic Frank-isms, from my late father:

"KTKT" - keep those knees together. Yep, Dad was all about tact when I was a teenager.

"Don't bust my balls" - said when someone was perceived as giving him a hard time about something. My brother says this one a lot now.

"As useless as tits on a bull" - said about something, or a suggestion, that was deemed to be worthless. Also used for people when he was really cranky.

He's been gone for nearly 11 years, and I still hear these in my head.

Harmonica Man said...

Lucinda - Be careful how you use these, lest you someday become known for your "Lucind-isms"

Dad - You mean you're not 80 yet! My God, you've been complaining that you're "pushin 80" for 5 years now. Only then will I buy the excuse that you don't remember these sayings.

Mooselet - If you ever feel like publishing your list of Frank-isms I know I'd be interested in reading them. After all, isn't sharing this type of cultural excellence what these blogs are all about?

Schnozz said...

I cringe every time I hear someone make a joke that is actually just mean. It's one of my biggest peeves. So Bill is my new best friend now. Look what you've done.