Saturday, July 08, 2006

To Pee or Not to Pee

Let's face it, men have it made.

I mean how many times have you been somewhere and needed to pee? If you're a guy, it's usually no problem. Women, however? Eh, I'm thinking not always so easy.

For example, last summer my wife and I were at a crowded concert and it was time to take a break. The women's line was longer than that of a brand new Disney ride, while the men were able to zip in and zip out (no pun intended) within seconds. Of course much of that is due to the ultra-efficient watering trough that guys get to use. I haven't seen that design suggested for women yet but somehow I don't think it would fly.

For some reason guys can stand shoulder to shoulder and do their business without issue, as long as the dude next to you isn't ricocheting a spray off that white puck thing that's laying in the bottom. I always try to stand next to an old guy, because they usually don't have enough horsepower to create a backsplash.

Then there's my wife's favorite utility of all time - the Porta Potty! For whatever reason, she absolutely REFUSES to use one of these things. Her bladder could be under more pressure than the White House press secretary and she still wouldn't use one.

Honestly, I don't know what her issue is. All she has to do is open the toilet lid, vice grip her nose shut, try not to look down into the cesspool of hell, squeegee off the seat, sit down and do her business. It's not that big of a deal! It's not like us men who have to make sure our knees don't get too close to that urinal funnel on the wall. Sheesh.

Of course given enough alcohol, some women will do whatever is required. One time while playing
at a fancy country club with my band, one of my friends couldn't wait any longer for the women's bathroom to open up. A few minutes later she happily informed me that she was now "all better." I asked her where she found a bathroom and she proudly informed me that the rocks out behind the patio were all she needed. What she didn't tell me until the next day was that on her way in she just happened to mention to the manager, "Hey, you might want to put a roll of toilet paper out there by those rocks!" Go figure we were never asked to play there again.

On the flip side, when my son was just 4 years old we looked out the front window of our house only to see him proudly peeing on the maple tree. Apparently his uncle had taught him that trick during the evening bonfire at our last family reunion. That's a different story of course - guys can do that.

So there you have it. To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

If you're a guy the answer is "no problem."

If your a woman? Well - good luck with all that.

13 comments:

Dad said...

A real pissaroo of a story!!!!!

Karl said...

Heh, there's not a day that goes by that I'm not thankful to be a man.

Linda said...

Interesting you should bring this up today. Yesterday, we went to Hutchinson, KS to watch the senior PGA tour (ok, in my defense, I went to high school with one of the players). Four hours, I do NOT use the porta-potties. Would rather go in my pants. Bet I can guess which uncle taught your son to pee on the tree. . . .

Onetallmomma said...

But there are still times when you just have to pee...even if you would rather eat dirt. My ex-hubby took me to a Bonnie Raitt concert in Milwaukee (the last concert that Lyle L. played back-up for her) for my birthday when I was 8 and 1/2 months pregnant. The line went around the block and did even one of those women let me cut...not on your life.

Linda said...

onetallmomma - I know from experience that if you are about to hurl and someone is carrying you in on their shoulders, people will let you through, just for future if you are preggy

Blog-o-licious said...

Trying drinking 4 gallons of water and you're NOT allowed to pee because the picture will come out better on the ultrasound....then you'll go just about anywhere.

EmmaSometimes said...

Oh, I despise using a honey bucket. If I absolutely have to, like most women, we have the 'hover' thing down to a science. Don't ask, you can figure it out...

Waya said...

For all the three times we did the "Walk for Hunger (all 20 miles)" in Boston (before kids), I adamantly refused to go in those disgusting porta potties. I'd use the restaurants along the way instead while my husband could never understand why.

And now that I have kids (boys in particular), I can use the excuse to use the men's room (if the ladies' room is busy of course), claiming that my sons need to go. Shh! Don't tell anyone this. ;-)

You are right on with this post!

Chanakin said...

Maybe if they pulled the sofas and coat checks out of womens' bathrooms, it would go quicker...

Mocha said...

Hey. I can piss with the best of 'em.

Whatever that means.

Hovering: A science I tell ya. We've got it down to a science.

yellojkt said...

My wife refuses to use a portapotty. Most are unixex and guys have very bad aim. Figure out why she thinks they are disgusting. The never smell too good either.

spoon said...

once i was on a bus in Fiji. mercifully they stopped (only cause we got stuck in some mud) but to my horror, i got off the bus and there was a sheer cliff face on one side and sheer drop on the other. i had to pee behind the bus as my feet sunk into the mud to mid-calf and 3 other vehicles overtook in that time. i was temporarily mortified but I managed to pull myself towards myself!

Johnny said...

I so can not use those trough urinal things.. I get the damn shy bladder thing.. LOL