Sunday, July 02, 2006

Weekend Update

A few things I found humorous this week:

Cut and Run - You hear this phrase a lot in the news lately, but the media has been using it improperly. My brother and friends have had a copyright on this concept for years.

I'll use my childhood buddy as an example. Say you're in a crowded store with him and in the middle of a traffic jam of people. One of his very favorite things to do is loudly "cut" and run, leaving you smelling like the bad guy. He never tires of this gag. Or making you gag.

Ed Helms - One of Jon Stewart's uber-talented "reporters," Ed put out one of the funniest bits I've seen on The Daily Show yet. Ed has a unique ability to sit across from someone and with a straight face ask them the most uncomfortably twisted questions he can dredge up. This story Box Lunch made me laugh out loud while I watched the show alone.

Don't let the bed bugs bite! - I took this picture here in St. Cloud the other day.

(click to enlarge)
So just how desperate for a mattress do you have to be before you pick up a used one from a budget motel?

No really, they're fine. They had mattress pads on them. Yikes.

My Hood - Just when you thought St. Cloud was safe. This story from our local newspaper:

Police: Man drove mower while drunk

By David Unze

Published: June 29. 2006 1:00AM

A 24-year-old man was charged Wednesday with driving while intoxicated after riding a lawn mower erratically through a west St. Cloud neighborhood.
Neighbors called police after seeing Karl Benjamin Thompson riding across lawns cutting some grass as he went and up and down the 6200 block of Cape East Court, Sgt. Jerry Edblad said.
When police arrived, they found Thompson passed out behind the wheel of the lawn mower, which was parked at the end of his neighbor's driveway, Edblad said.
Several neighbors were standing outside when police arrived about 10:50 p.m. Thompson apparently had knocked on at least one door wanting to get inside a neighbor's house, Edblad said.
We'’re not sure if he thought it was his house or what,” Edblad said.
Thompson'’s blood-alcohol level was measured at 0.23, almost three times the legal limit for driving in Minnesota. He made his first court appearance on the charge Wednesday afternoon and is scheduled to be back in court July 14.
One witness reported seeing Thompson drive the lawn mower Wednesday six blocks from his residence to a friend'’s residence, Edblad said. Thompson has two prior DWI convictions, Edblad said, and police seized the lawn mower he was riding.

"...cutting some grass as he went and up and down the 6200 block of Cape East Court"

I don't know, I'll take as much free lawn service as I can get.

My Sacrifices - Anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog for awhile knows that I eat a low-fat diet so I don't have to take pills for my cholesterol, which doesn't bother me at all. I've grown used to the many low or non-fat products available and now (finally) consider them to be as tasty as the originals.

Except for ONE. I don't normally pine over the foods I can't eat (with the exception of potato chips) but when I have to make my kids real bacon in the morning it pretty much kills me. So - in an effort to find a substitute, I decided to buy some low-fat turkey bacon the other day and give that a shot.

Here is what the package promises...

Not too bad... crispy ribbons of crunchy bacon-like goodness! Mmm.

Here is what you get. And this is after you cook it, if you can believe that...

It's like eating a belt.

and finally...

My Last Post - Sorry folks, didn't mean to make you have to work for that one. But the funniest part of that post was the "deer in headlights" responses I received from it. The way I see it, one of two things happened:

1. Nobody understood it.
2. It wasn't funny.

Ok, since nobody understood it, I thought I would take this time to briefly explain what I was attempting to do.

First of all, the whole post is one big spoof about blog comments. I thought it would be fun to illustrate what might happen if a woman landed on the same blog as her partner and didn't know he was a regular reader.

To answer some of the questions I received in comments and email...

- No, those are not real comments. I made the whole thing up.
- No, I did not cut and paste actual comments into that post. I created this whole post from scratch and mocked it up to appear like a comments page.
- No, there is not a post called "Don't Mess With Grandma." I made that up as a backdrop for the fake comments.
- No, those are not real profiles. With the exception of mine, I made them up. However, please take time to note the puns I so carefully created in the characters themselves.
- No, I do not think I'm that funny (I didn't get asked this question but thought I would clarify anyway). All the comments on how funny Harmonica Man is, is a spoof on what I read on other (funnier) people's blogs.

Ok, so not your typical blog post, I'll admit that. But hey - why not shake it up a little bit?

So that's my week in review. All in all a pretty good week for me, but not as good as this weekend. I don't have to be back at my desk until Wednesday!!!

Have a great 4th of July holiday everyone, and try not to lose any fingers.


Anonymous said...

I am literally overwhelmed. Between the drunk lawn mower guy and all of the rest I am in stitches. Thank you...amd don't lose any fingers yourself.

Oh, and that bacon looked awful! I think I would just curl up and die if I could not eat real bacon. You are strong, strong man.

Oh My Lot! said...

By the Holy Robe of Joseph!!!


With a shiver and "WHOO-HUGNH-UOOH-UH!", I pass the scabies and blacklit stains to those who wish to PAY FOR THEM!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

A man stopped a woman carrying a mattress in Saint Cloud. He asked her if she had bought a used Best Western mattress? She said she felt insulted, and was mearly a prostitute making a house call!

Anonymous said...

The prostitute continued on. In front of the Pink Taco restaurant, she was run over by an intoxicated, belt eating lawn mower driver. She dropped the mattress and decided to cut and run.

I liked the colliding comments post, it was quite creative. I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way.

Anonymous said...

Your definition of "cut and run" was hilarious. I'll never hear that phrase the same way again. As for the mattress sale, yuck! I live in a tourist town, and there's always at least one hotel trying to ditch its mattresses. Not for me! And with the turkey bacon...I'm sorry to say, but you did NOT cook that stuff long enough. We never liked it until my husband nearly burned it by accident. Now we do that every time. It's crispy that way, and it brings out the flavor. We don't get the extra lean kind, though. Maybe it would be good to start with regular turkey bacon and work your way up. Now, by the way, I can't even stomach regular bacon. It's so greasy and fatty and limp. Just looking at it turns my stomach a bit.

yellojkt said...

The fake comments were hilarious. And it looks like it was a lot of work. That really bad blogger style is hard to fake. I hope Grath and Jessica have lots of little rabbits.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

ashley - That's what I was trying to get my bacon to do - curl up. Hopefully it is dead already.

rick - I think I'm going to go down there today in a haz-mat suit and browse.

anon - Funny! And you're anonymous because of this experience?

linda - Hey! No being more cleverer(?) than the original author. Didn't you read the blog rules of etiquette?

caryn - OK, burned turkey bacon it is. I'll make some today and let you know how it turns out - after I remove the battery from my smoke alarm.

yello - Thanks. Just another example of the pun-ladenness of the post. I made her a rabbit and then she said "I want to have your babies" and then hilarity ensued.

I crack me up.

What's so funny? said...

I'm back because my husband couldn't get over the used mattress sign. I thought after your LAST post you might have tinkered around with photo shop...

Ed Helms - rocks and we saw that one. We also love the Steven Colbert report.

And as for your prior post, I applaud you for trying something different. I like to see people take chances and be creative for a change!

yoo hoo said...

YOu make St Cloud sound like a place I'd like to visit. The used mattress sales I can hardly stomach, that's just total ick! Have a fun safe 4th.

Anonymous said...

Oh, sorry, I thought it was one of those games where you sit in a circle and keep the story going. I will visit the blog rules, if I can figure out where the hell they are. It was probably that one post that I didn't understand a word of. Ask my family, I am so computer illiterate. They love it, they can keep me in the dark about everything.

Waya said...

I love your "cut" and run story. That's why we have kids right, in case if we're on the beach and had to "cut", just blame it on the kids. Oh, that's not from experience...promise.