Tuesday, September 12, 2006

What's In Your Wallet?

I think I may have a stalker.

Jennine, over at My Ovaries Made Me Do It has tagged me for a meme called "What Do Men Have In Their Wallets" - and I think she may be stalking me.

First of all, yes - I do read a blog called My Ovaries Made Me Do It. Jennine has a very funny and interesting blog AND her site is testosterone friendly as well - so everyone is welcome!

But here's the reason I think she's stalking me. On Friday night I just happened to be watching that episode of Seinfeld where George had so much crap in his wallet it he could barely close it, and it wound up being about 4" thick. THEN - the next day, Jennine tags me with a "What do men carry in their pockets?" meme.

Coincidence? I think not.

Hey, it IS possible! After all, we both live in Minnesota. AND - that same episode was the one where Kramer had reversed the peephole on his door so everyone could see IN his apartment. Jennine could have done that.

Jennine? Am I going to need to get a restraining order?

Anyway - since I've been tagged, I guess legally I have no choice but to cooperate. So in the spirit of fair play - here are the contents of my pockets and my wallet.

What I carry in my pockets:

- Extra bubble gum. I always carry a pack of this stuff, although since my cud-chewing incident on the televised city council broadcast - I've stopped chewing gum in public. Now only my family has to witness this performance.

- My wallet. This is the before picture. Note how it will not stay folded closed on it's own. More to come on this.

- My cell phone. Not technically in my pockets but hanging off of my hip at all times. I feel naked without it.

- Pocket change. I don't normally like to have change in my pockets but tonight I did so it made the picture.

- Silk eyeglass cleaning cloth (not shown). I HATE having dirty glasses and if possible, never leave home without it.

What I carry in my wallet (click to enlarge):

Column 1:
- Receipts. Just like George Costanza - I have 21 friggen old receipts in there. The oldest one dates back to June 30th.

Column 2:
- Papa Murphy's "Take 'n Bake Club" card with 5 stamps - the last one dated 4/28/06.
- Various business cards.
- My "new" eye prescription. I haven't had new glasses made yet because this Rx is for bifocals. NOOOOOO!
- Local grocery store video club card. Am afraid to use it because I think they have a warrant out on me for late fees.

Column 3:
- My driver's license. I'm pretty sure it's still valid.
- A blockbuster video card that I've never used. I only opened the account because I wanted to rent a video in Duluth one time while I was visiting my parents and needed a card. God I hope Bill returned that video.
- My Northwest frequent flyer card. I have NO idea how many points it has on it - if any.
- My Hilton Honors card. I have NO idea how many points it has on it - if any.
- My medical insurance card, dental insurance card and a 10-punch health club guest visitor's card that stalled out on the 4th punch about 2 years ago.

Column 4:
- A bank check card and credit card. As you can assume by the lone dollar that was in my wallet, this check card is my main means of purchase.
- My Sam's club Business membership card. Ooh.
- My Super America Speedy Rewards points card. This is my absolutely most favorite thing in my wallet. I simply LOVE accumulating points for free things!
- A 20 year-old black and white "proof" photograph of our Livingston Fury album photography session. It's beginning to fade exactly like Michael J. Fox's picture did in Back to the Future when he was playing with the band at the prom. I HAVE to get Marty McFly to kiss Lorraine!!!
- My social security card. I've been told you shouldn't leave this in your wallet. I think I'll take it out, thank you.

Column 5:
- My library card. This is probably the least used card in my wallet. I sincerely wish it wasn't.
- My kids. You never know when you're going to run into an old high-school classmate and need to bore them to death!
- My Red Cross blood donor card. As I mentioned here, the vampires LOVE me!
- A few various phone numbers that I didn't even know were in there until I did this.

And finally - the after picture of my wallet, now that I've thrown out the 21 receipts and removed the SS card. See how nicely it folds closed! I may even be able to cancel my next visit to the chiropractor.

So there you have it. The ENTIRE contents of my pockets and wallet.

I've been told that blogs are a good way to get to know someone personally.

Uh, but I don't think they meant this personally.


Anonymous said...

What? No picture of your beautiful wife in your wallet? I can't believe it!!!!

Anonymous said...

More than likely Jeff is the type of man that keeps the picture of his wife over his heart---or he will now!

Jennine said...

Top Ten Signs You’re Being Stalked By A Woman With Seven Children

10 You get a threatening note made up of letters torn (not cut because the scissors are always missing in action) out of a Highlights magazine.

9 That telltale broken crayon in the dog's water bowl.

8 While searching on Ebay, you find the exact replica of your house made entirely of Rice Krispy Bars indented from the poke marks of little fingers.

7 You find your harmonica often smells of a strange combination of Lysol and Murphy’s Oil Soap.

6 You answer the phone, hear heavy breathing and then in the background “Mommmm? Can you get me some toilet paperrrr?”

5 You find stale McDonald’s French fries in the back seat of your car and the words “wache me” written in the dust on the rear window.

4 You come home from work and discover all your Unsweetened Baking Chocolate bars unwrapped on the kitchen counter with a tiny bite mark in each one.

3 You open your DVD player and find a Barney and Friends DVD in it.

2 You drive up your driveway and discover hundreds of unmatched socks adorning your tree.

And the number one sign you’re being stalked by a woman with seven children:

The new receptionist at your chiropractor clinic greets you with “H-hello Harmonica M-man. How are you t-today?

Kal said...

Damn... too blurry. You could just email me your credit card number if you want...

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

mom - Well..... I did have my favorite picture of my beautiful wife in there - UNTIL SHE WASHED MY WALLET AND RUINED IT! (Of course she'll tell you I should have taken it out of my pants before I threw them in the laundry bag but that has nothing to do with it)

dad - No, sorry dad. Her picture will stay in my wallet on my butt where it belongs.

jennine - Whoa, I dream of writing a post even half that funny - and you use it up on a comment here?! I must say I'm honored.

kal - Don't worry. You can just use my social security number to steal my identity and then get your own.

Dave2 said...

My "wallet" is a Jimi, which has simplified my life considerably. There's only room for four cards and a modest amount of cash!

Anonymous said...

HEY, I just bought my husband a new wallet tonight. His is very worn out from the frequent laundrying...NOT my fault!
Don't tell him about it, he has a b-day coming up.

Heather said...

Ha ha ha! I was tagged at the same time and haven't managed to write my post yet...but wait, weren't you tagged by ME for something???

Hmmm...maybe you don't read after all...?

Mooselet said...

My husband refuses to carry a proper wallet - instead he has a small holder that carries his cards with a clip on the outside for his cash. They are hard to find so he rarely gets a new one and thank goodness I've never washed it.

Waya said...

That was a hilarious episode! Love Seinfeld too. And can you blow up the numbers of your credit card, this mama needs a new tv.

Yeah, my purse is about 50 pounds heavy with all my junk in there too.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

dave - Cool! And it's even waterproof so it'll survive a trip through the spin-cycle! But I don't see a place for it to hold 21 receipts.

carla - I'll make you a deal. Buy me a new one too and I won't spill the beans.

heather - It's true! If I didn't read so damn many blogs maybe I would have time for a book or two every now and then. I didn't forget about your "book meme" tag - but don't get your hopes up for a very revealing post.

mooselet - Maybe he would be interested in what Elaine called a "men's carry-all." According to her, "It's not a purse - it's European!"

waya - I DID blow up the numbers on my credit card at one time. I blew them up so high I didn't have any credit left. That's why I don't use them anymore except for situations where I need one like a car rental or hotel etc. My check card on the other hand - I can't live without!

Anonymous said...

You are one brave soul. I shudder to think what I would find in mine!

And I carry around the same ratty looking SS card.