Friday, October 06, 2006

Fish Tale

Once upon a time there was a newly-married young couple who had two goldfish.

One chilly fall morning the nurturing wife, who was newly pregnant with newly-pregnant hormones, decided she would clean the fishies' little home. When the tank was clean, the young mother-to-be thought it would be nice for the little fishies if, instead of refilling the tank with chilly fall-temperature water, she would instead fill it with cozy warm water. That way her finely-finned friends would be so very happy - and cared for - and nurtured.

Shortly after the fishies' home was ready, the young lady scooped her happy little friends from the bowl they were waiting in, and ever so gently slid them into their yummy toasty water - where they promptly keeled over dead from shock.

The end.

OR WAS IT?!!

"Oh my God, what have I done?!!," the poor girl cried. "I've killed my babies!!!"

Suddenly, a husband in shining armor came galloping into the living room from out of the bathroom.

"What seems to be the problem my fair lady?" he asked as he held the sobbing puddle of estrogen.

"I don't know what happened," she stuttered through the tears. "One minute they were swimming around and the next minute they were dead.

I CAN'T EVEN KEEP FISH ALIVE FOR GOD'S SAKE, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RAISE A CHILD!"


"I see," said the strangely calm man. "Let me take a look."

And with that, her hero whisked the lifeless seafood out of the crockpot and back into the cool water they had come from. Knowing that it would be very difficult to administer CPR to fish, what with their little lips and all, he decided the best way to resuscitate them would be to force the life-giving oxygenated water through their tiny gills. But just how would he do that?

Why, by spinning them of course!

And spin he did. For over an hour he used his wooden spoon and spun. He spun and he spun and he spun until suddenly...

~twitch~


...one of the cadaverous carp sparked a faint signal of life!

That was it. That was all he needed to see to know that there was hope. Nothing could stop him now!

Faster and faster he spun those fish, refusing to give up. He continued to spin for another entire hour until

~flip~ ~twitch~ ~flip~ ~flop~ SWIM!!!

Yes! Her hero had done it. The fortuitous fishies had been granted a second lease on life and were alive once again to swim another day!

And so the newly-wedded couple went on to raise three wonderful and healthy children - none of whom suddenly flipped onto their sides whilst bathing due to overly-warmed water, as the mother had feared.

As well - so did they lived happily ever after. Especially the husband, who received unexpected charms from his fair lady for many years to follow.

22 comments:

Dave2 said...

Spinning fishies? For an hour? This brings up a question: can fish vomit? Because I know I sure would! :-)

Waya said...

Are you pulling my chain Jeff? Is that really true b/c we also have two fishies, and if that ever happens to us...we'll try that method and if it doesn't work...you'll owe us two gold fishies.

When I saw the wooden spoon, I thought you were going to...fry them. I know, crazy thought huh?!

Harmonica Man said...

dave - Good question. I can't even watch my kids ride one of those spinny rides at the fair and I get nauseated.

waya - This is an absolutely true story. I can't guarantee this will work with all dead fish. Only that partially dead ones.

Waya said...

Jeff-you jinxed me! My hubbie just found a dead gold fish in the tank!! Apparently, while he was away this past week...somebody (and I'm not going to divulge who) overfed the fish and it croaked!! WAAAAAHHHH!!! And it wasn't even a week yet, poor fishies. Maybe this somebody is not supposed to have any more pets. WAAAAHHHH!!!

Kal said...

By my count that's two hours of spinning fish... The things we do for our wives...

Mooselet said...

Let me get this straight. You spun two goldfish in a bowl... for 2 hours... and they lived!? I can't stir spaghetti sauce for more than a few minutes without my arm starting to hurt. Are you sure you didn't hook up the spoon to the mixer to give yourself a rest?

You had me in tears by the end of this story, and in a totally good way.

Jennine said...

I think this is the sweetest demonstration of love I have ever heard.

Seriously.

Thank you for sharing it. I was drawn in hook, line and sinker.

Harmonica Man said...

waya - It's not my fault! To be honest, I didn't know you could overfeed a goldfish. Mine seemed to be able to vacuum up anything I threw at them.

kal - Especially hormone-laden mommies who think their world is collasping in front of their eyes!

mooselet - Funny. My wife cried while pregnant over the fish, and you cried while pregnant over the story of the fish. Coincidence?

jennine - Thanks for suggesting this story! Just one of many new products direct from Blog-esota!

Schnozz said...

Wow ... spinning fish. It's GENIUS. I never would have thought of that!

Mr. S still mourns for Gill, our long-dead fish (uh ... Gill died in, like, 2002 or something), when he has a few too many glasses of wine. That's the only pet we've ever lost, and he still gets sad about it.

I realize a question is being begged here about his future abilities to handle bunny death, but we'll pretend it's not ever going to happen.

Chanakin said...

Don't fishes pee themselves when you put their fins in warm water?

Jenny said...

Holy crap. I am laughing so hard I'm crying over here.

So your wife boiled them and then you stirred them so they wouldn't stick to the bottom of the pot.

Very much like spaghetti.

Congrats on your mad resurrection skillz, my friend.

carla said...

Oh my gawd that is so funny and so creative. Other people would have used the automatice spinner, the toilet.

Linda said...

See, now that's the difference between men and women. When my hubby was a kid, he was cleaning the fish bowl and put water from the summertime hose (hot) in the tank and boiled the fish. However, that incident never once made him doubt his ability to raise children.

Jess Riley said...

Awww...that's so sweet!!!

Will this technique work with other animals? ;)

onetallmomma said...

Sounds like a "Tall Tale" to me but miracles do happen...every single day.
You were my hero before this story and shall remain evermore.

p.s. this is one of your best.

Heather said...

Sooooo, if this is true, you are one dedicated hubby. Way to save the day for the overly-sensitive mommy-to-be. I would have felt similar if I had killed a pet while pregnant. Thank goodness the cat still lives. (in my opinion, not hubby's)

Very creative. Creativity is a definite plus when raising children. The creativity from your music must help!

Mrs. Harmonica said...

Heather, trust me it's true. You can't believe what a mess I was over 25 cent goldfish!!! So, ever so calmly Jeff says "goldfish breathe through their gills, if I spin them I bet it will be like CPR". That made me crack a smile but then he started actually doing it and darn it if those fish didn't live another 5-6 years. We always wondered if they were brain dead though.

B. M. Lee said...

I know your story is true, but I trhink I would have spun down to the dime store and did a quick switch

Jennine said...

What's a dime store?

;)

Mom said...

Hadn't heard about this before, but I can honestly say you are about the kindest person I know!!!! Can you picture your Dad standing there for 2 hours, spinning (maybe) dead fish?

Caryn said...

LOL! Great story!

Mrs. Harmonica said...

b.m.lee,
This story is because of you, mr. dime store. it's all your fault:)