Monday, October 30, 2006

My Miranda

Originally published November 2005

Writing about my diet experience the other day brought back the memory of an incident I experienced with my wife a number of years ago - which really should be left un-brought-back.

But I can't resist.


One evening we were starting to get in the romantic "mood" and I was really feeling a deep connection with my wife. For some reason, I felt compelled to open my stupid mouth and try to say what I thought was a sweet thing. Knowing that she had been bothered by her weight at the time, I thought it would make her feel good to remind her of why I really loved her. This is what I now refer to as a good intention, bad idea.

"Honey, you know I don't love you for how much you weigh, I love you for who you are."


Suddenly she freezes, eyes wide open.

Immediately buckets of ice water pour down on us from above, air-raid sirens and bullhorns begin blasting through the room. "WONK WONK... Warning, warning, security breach! Back AWAY from your wife!"

Instantly I know l'm screwed (and much more effectively than if the romance had actually continued). Johnny Cochran himself couldn't get me out of this one. "Whoa, I'm sorry man - O.J. only killed someone - this is outta my league!"


All the justification and groveling in the world wasn't going to help me here. In fact, I now know how the original version of Miranda rights were created - not for criminals, but for some poor schmuck who didn't keep his mouth shut in bed.

"You have the right to remain silent. EVERYTHING you say will be wrong and held against you. Period!"

12 comments:

Linda said...

There is actually no acceptable thing to say about your wife's weight, ever. Even if you say, wow, you've lost weight, it implies that she needed to and she looked like crap before and now she looks less like crap. Sorry guys, it's a lose lose kinda thing.

Dave2 said...

She's right. You can never, ever win in commenting on a woman's weight.

Ever.

I've nearly lost important body parts learning THAT lesson.

Mooselet said...

How long did it take her to forgive you for that... comment?

Heather said...

Well, hey. Lesson learned. I hope.

I'm not so sure about how bright you are for posting this again though...

Harmonica Man said...

Hmmm, doesn't look like I'm gonna score any brownie points for the 'good intention' part of the equation huh.

Lesson learned: When you have a size 11 foot - keep it out of your mouth!

Jenny said...

Oh yeah. You are lucky to be alive.

As sweet as you meant it all I heard was "Yeah, you're fat but I don't even care."

We women are twisted like that.

Anonymous said...

Very funny story! Honestly, when I read that line you said to her, I think my heart actually stopped. Wow! You and my husband need to get together sometime. He's got some doozies himself!

Carla said...

That's almost like saying, "You don't sweat much for a fat girl"

EmmaSometimes said...

I'm more of a sympathetic, knowing my hubby is really DOA before the comment is made gives me the ability to hear what he has to say with more grace. (and as a disclaimer, I've also had four babies six years, I've been there too.)

Jennine said...

Hey Jeff- You stirred the goldfish. That's like receiving a "Get out of jail" card that you don't ever have to put back in the stack of Chance cards.

You've GOT to remember to use that in moments like this!

Anonymous said...

BWAHAHAHA! I sure am glad my husband knows better. :p

I'm loving your blog. Keep at it! c",)

Bugwit Homilies said...

Too funny! That's a rookie mistake! Where were you during that part of the marriage 101 class? Maybe you can sue your pastor.

For future reference, if she asks whether she looks fat in a particular outfit, the answer is no. If she asks whether you can see her crow's feet, the answer is no.

Whatever, the question, the answer is NO!

;-)