Thursday, November 02, 2006

White Robes

I'm a lector with my church and have been for several years now.

Normally when it's my weekend to read, I grab the readings a few days ahead of the service so I have a chance to practice them and work through any complicated passages or tongue-twisting biblical names, such as Sepharvaim or Apharsachites

But last night I received a call from our church asking if I could fill in for the All Saints Day service at the last minute. "No problem," I said. I figured I could get there a few minutes early and get familiar with the readings then. But alas, one thing led to another and suddenly I found myself arriving with only enough time to briefly review the readings and hope they weren't too complicated.

Then the time came for the first reading. It was a bit longer than normal but my quick-scan gave me comfort that there were no complex words to worry about.

I began with confidence...

"A reading from the book of Revelations..."

Everything was going great. The words were flowing off my tongue like a sweet stream of milk chocolate to the people's ears.

And then out of nowhere - THIS passage:

They stood before the throne and before the Lamb, wearing white robes and holding palm branches in their hands.

I began the paragraph...

"They stood before the throne and before the Lamb, waawing white wobes...

*ahem*

...WAAWING white...

*ahem*

W E A R I N G white
(phew)... wobes."

*silence*

Perfect. Suddenly I'm Elmer Fudd reading the scripture.

"They quied out in a woud voice, 'Salvation comes fwom our God, not fwom some wascawy wabbit.'"

Of course being being the seasoned lector that I am, I had no choice but to continue through the reading as if nothing was unusual. After all, the odds of running across another tongue twister like that one were nill.

And so I marched on, flawlessly reading the remaining passages with the skill and expertise I had developed over so many years. I was feeling good that I had regained my composure and was quite sure the congregation wouldn't even remember that I had stumbled earlier. Like I said, it was a longer reading, but I was on my home stretch now. Everything was going to be just fine.

Then suddenly - my peripheral "pre-scan" of the next sentence sees THIS passage coming out of nowhere...

Who are these wearing white robes, and where did they come from?

Holy crap, it can't be! What cruel twist of fate would put this horrible phrase in the same reading - TWICE?!!

I began to sweat - but I had no choice. There was nothing else I could do but take this sucker head on. And so I began...

"Who are these waawing white wobes, and where did they come from?"

Ya. So much for the congregation not remembering.

After the Mass I gweeted all my fellow pawishoners. Then I gwabbed my hunting cap and headed home.

18 comments:

Mom Thumb said...

lmao - at least you didn't SAY Holy cwap!

Jennine said...

ROFLMAO!

Next time just wead vewwy vewwy quiet.

I have just the thing for you, my deaw fwiend:

http://www.google.com/language_tools?hl=xx-elmer

Rick said...

Bawbawa Walters would be pwoud of you.

Bill said...

I know a minister that got fired just because he stuttered. It seems his church practiced Baptism by immersion!!!

Kate said...

Ugh, that reminds me of too many years of my Catholic school education to digest! All the times the nuns forced me to be in charge of a reading at our morning mass.

Mooselet said...

And did you go and hunt that wascawy wabbit when you got home?

Hehehehehehehe....

I'm dying over here with laughter, because I can just picture it so perfectly.

Mom said...

Sometimes doing the Lord's work can be very humbling!!! Now you know why I stick to being a Eucharistic Minister and do NOT want to be a reader!!!

wendy boucher said...

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that hearty laugh. Oh my God (and I'm an atheist), that was hilarious!!!

but Momma said...

You made my day! I laughed so hard I cwied!

Anonymous said...

Too fweaking funny! :p

Heather said...

that was hiwarious!

That's why I stick to teaching the pre-K/K kids. They don't notice if you mess up.

Waya said...

Happy hunting Elmer! That was too hiwawirous.

Carla said...

I was waughing so hard, I couldn't catch my bweath. Oh, and by the way, I've NEVER mess up words, just ask my husband.

onetallmomma said...

Oh My Dear, you are such a joy to read. I have been away for far too long!

My last time "up" as worship leader had me reading a longish bit of old testament from Tom Jefferson's Bible. Even after reading the passage aloud several times in the privacy of my own bedroom I still managed to mangle several important words. Sigh. The things we do in the mane of faith...

Anonymous said...

So very funny! It reminded me of that scene from Princess Bride when the priest begins by saying "Marwage..."

Jenny said...

Totally Princess Bride.

Wove...True wove...

Harmonica Man said...

Thanks fow all the cwever comments evwybody! This was a twue but vewwy scawy stowy.

Cleo said...

I am so thankful the internet to my laptop is up & running so I could read this WONDEFUL post--it made me laugh (out loud even, which is hard to do with everyone in the house but me asleep!). Thank you--you made my day! :)