A mister Richard Feder of Fort Lee, New Jersey writes in and says:
"Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna: What should I get my secretary for Christmas? Is jewelry too personal? What is an appropriate amount to spend?"
Boy Mister Feder, you sure do ask a lot of dumb questions for someone from New Jersey. But fortunately for you, I know a thing or two about this because I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, once worked for a guy who had a secretary.
I know this is going to be hard to believe, but one time I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, had to work for one of those temporary agencies while I was in-between jobs.
That's right. And I had go downtown and stand in line at 5:00 in the morning in a tiny little room with all these people. And there was this one guy standing next to me who kept hackin and coughin and quite frankly was makin me sick and I was like "Yuck - this guy is disgusting!" And then... right when I thought he couldn't get any more disgusting - he hacked up a huge yellow phlegm ball RIGHT ON THE BACK OF THE LADY IN FRONT OF HIM!!!
I thought I was gonna DIE!
It was just hangin there off her fuzzy purple shoulder blade and was kind of swingin back and forth every time she took a step. YUCK!
Anyway, so I got one of them temporary jobs in one of them fancy schmancy office places and there was this secretary sitting outside the president's office. So I walked up to her and I said "Hey secretary, get me a cup of coffee would ya. I've had the dry heaves all morning after looking at some guy's phlegm ball and I need somethin to settle my gut."
And then, this uppity secretary gets all huffy at me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, and says, "I'm NOT a secretary - I'm an "assistant administrator!"
So I says to her, "Oh, I'm so sorry. ASSISTANT ADMINISTRATOR, get me a cup of coffee will ya."
And then this lady starts getting all red in the face and I'm thinking she's gonna wind up and try to take a swing at me, Roseanne Roseannadanna! But all of a sudden I notice that her face is starting to crack from all the makeup she had caked on it and I said to her, "Hey lady, what happened? Did you lose your griddle this morning and have to make your pancakes on your face? Because you left a bunch of batter on there and quite frankly it's grossing me out!"
And then her eyes got all huge and crazy lookin, and if she had had a gun I would have hid behind a desk because she looked like she was gonna blow.
So what I'm saying here is it's always something. If it's not one thing it's another. Whether your secretary doesn't know how to put on her makeup or she freaks out and goes postal.
It's like my uncle Dan Tanna Roseannadanna used to say:
"My sweet Roseanne Roseannadanna. A gift should be from your heart, not from your wallet. So if you can't afford to buy someone a gift, give them a piece of yourself. As long as it doesn't come from your lung and is a slimy yellowish brown and sticks to the person in front of you...
...because that's disgusting."