Last night my wife and I attended our boys' highschool mid-term conferences.
I took notes. I figured why keep all of this valuable knowledge to myself when you might be able to benefit from our experience.
So, if you haven't had the pleasure of attending a highschool conference, here's is one possible outcome:
1. Wait in line outside the teacher's room for 30-45 minutes while making witty but transparently painful remarks about your son's grades with the other parents who are suffering a similar fate.
2. Apologize to the teacher at the beginning of the meeting in advance of the pending conversation and explain that your child was conceived too close to a nuclear power plant so whatever you're going to tell us about him isn't our fault.
3. Hide your face in your hands as the teacher describes how your son is missing 12 math assignments and is currently at an F-, but would be receiving a healthy D- if he had only shown his work on the homework he did turn in.
4. Resist pulling out your checkbook to write the teacher a
bribe "donation to the lab" with *wink* "no strings attached."
5. Repeat steps 1-4 with the next 3 teachers.
6. Repeat steps 1-5 with the next son.
7. Tell your boys a grim story about a guy you know in prison who claims he wouldn't be there today if he had only shown his work in math.
8. Listen as your boys explain how they're NOT missing ANY assignments in ANY class and that their teachers must be losing their homework. Listen some more as your boys explain that they can easily pull their grades up to an A+++ by the time report cards come out because they plan on doing an extra credit worksheet.
9. Take the boys home and drop them off at the house, but immediately back out of the driveway, head to the martini bar, and reminisce about the days when the biggest problem you had with them in school was the fact they wouldn't eat hot lunch on "Yankee Stew" day.
10. Slowly melt into a warm apple-cinnamon martini buzz and laugh selfishly as you realize that you only have 7½ more years until your youngest turns 18.