Sometimes I want to write about poop.
Sometimes I wish I could describe when I was a toddler and I used to make my mom come in and look at it before I could flush it. Or when I was in grade school and used to sit on the toilet talking to my friend for like a half hour while I did my business. Or when I was a teenager and... uh, nevermind - I'm about to say too much.
So anyway, sometimes I wish I could write about these things.
But writing about poop would come off as unsophisticated and sophomoric, and most likely gross and disgusting. And would most certainly destroy my credibility as a serious blogger.
But wait! Suppose the single classiest person on the planet was to write about poop. And in great detail. Then, wouldn't that make it ok for the rest of us to write about it?
Well, guess what? Whilst following one of my Google searches about "poop" back to see what that particular person was really trying to find, I stumbled on a related story by none other than the Queen of Class herself...
Hallelujah - my door has been opened!!!
This is indeed good news for me. I am now free to pump out poop posts to my heart's delight!
But sometimes if you're lucky, you don't have to actually write a blog post at all. Sometimes, somebody else does it for you. Then, all you have to do is go get it and bring it back like a gift for your friends to unwrap and enjoy.
This my friends is one of those times!
"If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,'..."
"It should be an S shape..."
You know, try as I might, I can't seem to make mine do that. I did squeeze out a nice "C" the other day though - does that count? Maybe if I strapped a Play-doh Fun Factory to my butt.
But hold on... there's more!
Let's see what a few of her friends have to say about their fecal experiences.
Susan (left), a busy, working mother of three children, says that she struggles with constipation—sometimes only going to the bathroom once every five days. She admits to not getting enough water, instead opting for eight cans of diet soda a day. She also says she likes to eat a lot of cookies and chips, but doesn't get enough fruits and vegetables.
Let's see... Susan admits to not getting enough fruit in her diet, and Maureen has grapes hanging out of her ass. I see a win-win situation here!
Oh, and let's all thank Dr. Oz for suggesting that we should all pass gas more often - WITHOUT SHAME! I couldn't agree more. In fact I've got my "no embarrassment zone" all around me at this very moment.
Ahh - I must say, this certainly has been fun. And no, I didn't make this up.
Some things you just can't make up.