Friday, February 02, 2007

Poop - with class

Sometimes I want to write about poop.

Sometimes I wish I could describe when I was a toddler and I used to make my mom come in and look at it before I could flush it. Or when I was in grade school and used to sit on the toilet talking to my friend for like a half hour while I did my business. Or when I was a teenager and... uh, nevermind - I'm about to say too much.

So anyway, sometimes I wish I could write about these things.

But writing about poop would come off as unsophisticated and sophomoric, and most likely gross and disgusting. And would most certainly destroy my credibility as a serious blogger.

But wait! Suppose the single classiest person on the planet was to write about poop. And in great detail. Then, wouldn't that make it ok for the rest of us to write about it?

Well, guess what? Whilst following one of my Google searches about "poop" back to see what that particular person was really trying to find, I stumbled on a related story by none other than the Queen of Class herself...

Oprah!

Hallelujah - my door has been opened!!!

This is indeed good news for me. I am now free to pump out poop posts to my heart's delight!

But sometimes if you're lucky, you don't have to actually write a blog post at all. Sometimes, somebody else does it for you. Then, all you have to do is go get it and bring it back like a gift for your friends to unwrap and enjoy.

This my friends is one of those times!

(From Oprah.com)

Enjoy.

Everybody Poops

When it comes to figuring out if you're digesting things properly and eating healthy, Dr. Mehmet Oz says that you should rely on your senses in the bathroom. For starters, have you ever thought about the importance of what your bowel movement sounds like when it hits the water? Listen up!

"You want to hear what the stool, the poop, sounds like when it hits the water. If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,' that's not right because it means you're constipated. It means the food is too hard by the time it comes out. It should hit the water like a diver from Acapulco hits the water [swoosh]."

The next thing Dr. Oz recommends is looking at your stool—c'mon, you've done it before! You should look twice—look at the shape and then, the color.

"It should be an S shape and you want to make sure the color's normal because the color of the poop tells you a lot about how you made it," Dr. Oz says. "You don't want [pieces]. Food is a medicine for you. It helps you. [If the stool is in pieces] by the time you finished digesting your food, you don't have enough of it left to poop out in the right way and probably it's hurt the colon that has to process it. At the end of the day you can analyze your body really effectively by looking at what comes out of your body."


WTF?!!!

"If it sounds like a bombardier, you know, 'plop, plop, plop,'
..."

Seriously???

"It should be an S shape..."


You know, try as I might, I can't seem to make mine do that. I did squeeze out a nice "C" the other day though - does that count? Maybe if I strapped a Play-doh Fun Factory to my butt.

But hold on... there's more!

Let's see what a few of her friends have to say about their fecal experiences.

Everybody Poops

Susan (left), a busy, working mother of three children, says that she struggles with constipation—sometimes only going to the bathroom once every five days. She admits to not getting enough water, instead opting for eight cans of diet soda a day. She also says she likes to eat a lot of cookies and chips, but doesn't get enough fruits and vegetables.

Maureen (right), a mother of four children, says that her health is the last thing on her mind. She suffers from diarrhea, hemorrhoids and constipation. "My hemorrhoids feel so bad that it's like grapes hanging out of my rear," she says. "Sometimes they hurt so bad, I can't get out of bed for two days." Maureen admits to eating too much fast food, and not getting enough fiber and water in her diet.

On top of suggesting to Susan and Maureen to change their diets, Dr. Oz says that Susan and Maureen need to pass gas more often and not be ashamed—we all need to! Dr. Oz says that the average person passes gas 14 times a day—and less than one percent of it actually smells. He says it's so important that we start creating a "no embarrassment zone"—we need to pass this much gas!


Let's see... Susan admits to not getting enough fruit in her diet, and Maureen has grapes hanging out of her ass. I see a win-win situation here!

Oh, and let's all thank Dr. Oz for suggesting that we should all pass gas more often - WITHOUT SHAME! I couldn't agree more. In fact I've got my "no embarrassment zone" all around me at this very moment.

Ahh - I must say, this certainly has been fun. And no, I didn't make this up.

Some things you just can't make up.

26 comments:

Mooselet said...

That is really more information about those two women that I wanted to know! If your hemorrhoids are so bad you can't get out of bed, for God's sake see a doctor instead of telling the world via Oprah about it!

deborah said...

hysterical. One question, among the many that are now "floating" in my head thanks so much; the question is this; check out Oprahs belt! Do you think, perhaps it may be a new type of propulsion device the good old doc explained? As to help the poo along and give her the correct "S-shaped poo" she should be extracting. You know, like the Play Doh type? Just a thought.

Mom Thumb said...

Yeah, I quit watching Oprah after this show. And going to the bathroom is now an exercise in anxiety. Nobody can deliver Dr. Oz' super poops.

Emma Sometimes said...

I write about poop too..back a year ago "The Poop Diaries" it was great fun and liberating. It's my biggest hit post since I started blogging..haha!!

PlayDoh poop...gotcha.

Dad said...

Speaking of poop--- Aboard navy cusisers the toilets are a long metal trough, ocean water running through it, with board seats on top. The current of water made me whisper to a sailor on my left, "What if someone lit a newspaper and let it float downstream under the seven sailors reading letters and newspapsers?" Next thing I know he had rumpled up some newspaper, lit it with his lighter, and dropped it in the stream. I jumped up without a wipe, pulling up my pants as I ran. Glancing back I saw a flame two feet high shooting out an empty hole. I heard seven sailors scream, and the first punch land as I ran out the open door. That evening the "Torch" stopped by to show me both black eyes and numerous bruises. He said it was because of my stupid idea that he got beat up. I said that is why he was a sailor, because Marines arae not dumb enough to create "Great Balls Of Firwe".

Kal said...

Holy crap, so to speak.

So - green would be bad, right?

And your dad's a real card...

Mitch McDad said...

Things missing on this post. We've cover shape, sound, and color. But what about taste? Should it be nutty, or maybe leaning towards mocca flavored, or perhaps a bit like beef jerky. And what about corn?

Also, didn't see any references to breaching whales, you know, the one that poke out of the water. Am I be gross now?

I bet Oprah's had some breaching whales in her non-slim days. OK, that was mean. I'll stop now.

Nice work Jeff.

Harmonica Man said...

Thanks Mitch - I'm beaming with pride over this one.

Sandy said...

I will never look at the contents of my toilet in the same way again.

Thank you, Jeff.

yellojkt said...

I overheard my mother talking about the fact that she only goes about once every three days. TMI.

I hate walking into a toilet and finding out that someone ahead of me has been playing above the rim.

Carla said...

You tell us about some funny shit man!

Heather said...

Oh my. That was funny. I didn't realize I should be analyzing that much.

L.A. Daddy said...

That's classic... and bit frightening.

I, too, wish I could blog about all the comments I make when I'm on the toilet, or just finished up. But it wouldn't be classy to admit I usually say things like, "We got a floater!" or "My colon is the strongest muscle in my body" or "Man, that's a easy way to lose five pounds.

But I can't. It's not done, as my mom would say.

"S" shaped? Really? Never in my life.

Jenny said...

Show me someone who has an S-shaped poop and I'll show you a liar.

It's not really possible, is it?

Harmonica Man said...

Jenny - I'm pretty sure that's how Oprah controls us "common folk" and exercises her superiority over us. She keeps us down by suggesting something that she knows we can't do - which makes us feel inferior. She's got us all thinking, "If only I could poop an "S" like Oprah, then I'd really be somebody special."

*lynne* (azlynne1972) said...

I am laughing not just at your post, but at some of the comments [your dad's bit is awesome!]. I blogged [kinda] on the poop topic a while ago, thanx to stumbling across a product called "Whiff" a poop deodorizer, ever heard of it?

Mom said...

I am so glad you are "blogging"!!!! This has been the funniest and the most fun ever!! Now that you've mentioned it--- ---I remember you calling me into the bathroom to see your poop when you were just a very little guy!!!You were so very proud!

Dad said...

Rick had his dog over for a few days. I was able to find one question mark, two dashes, and an exclamation mark. Do they count? I threw the two dashes at my proof-reader for approving my last comment.

Gale said...

Love your blog - incredibly glad I stopped in today. poop on!

Jennine said...

Holy crap.

Bill, thank you for taking this repulsive post and turning it into a military history lesson.

Only you.

~salut~

rick said...

...believe it or not, no comment!

Bugwit Homilies said...

Mine looks like an 'i'. Well, not exactly that font right there. MAybe an exclamation point.

Oprah is really running short on material!

But you aren't. Nice post!

David Stefanini said...

I love the blog that you have. I was wondering if you would link my blog to yours and in return I would do the same for your blog. If you want to, my site name is American Legends and the URL is:

www.americanlegends.blogspot.com

If you want to do this just go to my blog and in one of the comments just write your blog name and the URL and I will add it to my site.

Thanks,
David

wayabetty said...

Well, I'm so glad you decided to come back to this blogging world! You must have had time to think about this subject on your temporary hiatus huh?!

Speaking of poop, my 6 y/o clogged the toilet yesterday with his poop and guess who had to do the honor of declogging it! I almost puked!! Just like his dad, and his dad is pointing the finger at me saying "just like mommy!"

wendy said...

Ewwww. Oprah, not you. Well, you too. Although I confess I read the whole post.

Janna said...

So...
It's been two and a half years since you posted this... have you been able to master the art of the "S" shape yet?

Or are you still cheating by using the Fun Factory?