Thursday, April 12, 2007

Central Minnesota Crime Logs

It's not like I live in Hooterville or anything. I mean St. Cloud and the surrounding area has well over 100,000 people living here, so like any community of this size - crime is a serious problem.

But when our friendly neighborhood newspaper decides to print the crime log - I have to wonder... ARE THESE PROBLEMS FOR REAL?!!

Believe it or not these crime logs are real - but the comments I've added in bold italics are not. So, without further adieu - here is another installment of what I'm going to call...

Small Town Scandal!

A resident called police at 3:46 a.m. Sunday for a large fight at an apartment in the 1500 block of Second Avenue North. Officers found three women at the apartment and everything was OK. Officers also found 25 men watching through the windows and cheering them on.

Police found a large bra next to a vehicle at 8:25 a.m. Sunday in a parking lot in the 300 block of North Benton Drive after someone called police to report clothing by the vehicle. The vehicle was locked and unoccupied. A group of young men have volunteered to find the owner and return the missing garment.

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:54 p.m. Tuesday in the 10 block of 14th Avenue Northeast. A caller said a group of men could be heard talking about having guns. Police arrived and spoke to a juvenile who had an Airsoft shotgun, a toy that shoots plastic projectiles. Police advised the juvenile about the complaint and to keep the gun in the house. The juvenile was also advised to outfit his Big Wheel with a street-legal exhaust system.

A suspicious person was reported at 6:07 p.m. Tuesday crossing University Bridge. The person was carrying a gas can and boat motor. Police could not locate anyone.
A mutant-sized man wearing a plaid fishing hat was reportedly spotted later that evening carrying a small fishing boat.

Protect yourself from those dangerous skateboarders!

Unruly juveniles were reported at 7:29 p.m. Monday in the parking lot of Pleasantview Elementary School, 1009 Sixth Ave. N. The juveniles were on skateboards. Police found six juveniles at the school and everything was OK. Police then arrested the person who called it in for using the phrase "unruly juveniles."

Police received a report at 11:54 a.m. Sunday of kids skating on a property at Second Avenue and 10th Street North. The kids were gone when police arrived but when they were checking the area the next-door neighbor came over. The neighbor said he is friends with the property owner and it is OK for the kids to skate there. Police then suggested that the city find someone responsible enough to lead a project to build a legal skate park.

Police received a report of suspicious activity at 5:40 p.m. March 19 on 15th Avenue North. Police spoke with a man and a woman at a house who were arguing. They were fighting over what to have for supper. The officer told them to keep it down and that the man should leave. The man apparently wanted chicken, the woman wanted beef. The SWAT team was called off.

A resident called police at 5 p.m. March 23 to report a man watching kids play on a playground at St. Joseph school. The resident gave police the license plate number on the vehicle. Officers located the driver, who is a priest at the school. The man said he was watching the children because they should have been picked up by their parents by then. The priest asked that Jay Leno not be contacted and given any more lame material.

Even the animals can't be trusted around here!

Police responded to a potential burglary at 8:46 p.m. Tuesday in the 600 block of North Benton Drive. A resident reported a broken porch screen and damage to the front doorknob. Officers checked the home and everything was OK. The damage was caused by the homeowner's dog, which had been left on the porch. The resident admitted that he did not notice the large dog laying in front of the door.

On Thursday, nine pigs strayed from a farm into another rural Aldrich resident's yard and caused extensive damage to the lawn. The pigs were turning the sod over. The hogs were returned to the farm where they belonged. The last little pig went "wee wee wee" all the way home.

A beaver was chasing people around a parking lot at 6:30 p.m. Monday in the 1200 block of 15th Street Northeast. Police were unable to locate the beaver. However, Wally was later picked up for questioning.

If you have any information about these incidents, call Crime Stoppers at 255-1301 or visit its Web site at


Mooselet said...

How exactly does a beaver chase people around a parking lot??? I'm picturing this large crowd of people being terrorized, screaming as they try to run to safety. Meanwhile one brave soul manages to get away to make a desperate phone call: "Please, we need help! There's a beaver and it's... what was that noise? It's found me!!! Please hurry! Nooooooooooo....."

You live in a strange place, my friend.

Gale said...

As I live in Hooterville, I am the cute redhead. I would just like to point out that you are very lucky to have these incidents in writing. Here in Hooterville, the population has to rely on the partyline down at Drucker's grocery store. And he makes us buy stuff if we loiter for very long. Now what am I going to do with 3 corsets and an iron skillet?

Sandy said...

Wow! I love it how most of the entries ended with "everything was okay."

Thank goodness! I don't know if I could sleep at night if most of those perpetrators where running around.

Anonymous said...

A crime log about a dog tearing a hole in a screen door?! How can you stand living in such a crime-ridden city?

Mom Thumb said...

That Big Wheel better have up to date tags.

Anonymous said...

Crime may surge now, with a professional scofflaw back in town!

Jess Riley said...

Very cute. :) I love quirky, small town "crime" stories.

yellojkt said...

That is quite a crime wave. One morning while riding my bicycle I saw a bra in the road right next to a cemetery. I didn't report it to the cops. Some poor woman is out there free hanging.

Heather said...

I wish our paper would print anecdotes like this, then I might actually subscribe just for the entertainment value. As it is, our paper mostly just prints errors.

yoo hoo said...

Lemme see, Chief Wiggum or Barney Fife...either one live in St Cloud?

Anonymous said...

oh my goodness...for a town with real crime, to say this is a waste of time is an understatement. I would have to say my favorite report was the one about the mutant man with the boat!

Anonymous said...

Technically, your picture is of Pettycoat Junction. Hooterville was down the tracks.
Billy Joe? Bobby Joe? or Betty Joe?

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

rick - Yeah, but the picture I used makes for a much better pun.