Saturday, May 12, 2007

Central Minnesota Crime Logs

These are actual recent reports taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my comments in bold.

And you thought only Metropolis had super heroes
Police received a report of a man on a bicycle while wearing a mask and looking odd at 7:35 a.m. April 17 in the 1000 block of Second Street North. Another officer knew the man and said he likes to ride around on his bike wearing camouflage clothes and a mask. The officers could not find the man. Most likely because his camouflage was really good.

Two men dressed as Superman and Spider-Man were acting aggressively toward a motorcyclist, a caller reported to police Wednesday. Police were called at 5:57 p.m. Wednesday to Dairy Queen at 2424 Division St. Police watched the two men for a bit and then told them to stay out of trouble. The men agreed. The Dairy Queen citizens were safe from motorcycle villains once again. (Note: This may seem odd to those of you who don't live in St. Cloud, but this is actually a common occurrence in this town.)

More like funny "haha"
A young man was found strapped to a light pole yelling for help at 9 p.m. Friday at 13th Street and Ninth Avenue North. Police found five young men in the area who said it was a joke. When asked what the "joke" was, one of the men said, "What do you call a guy with 2 arms and 2 legs strapped to a light pole?.... SCREWED!" Police admitted to not getting the punchline.

That Mary Jane is nothing but trouble!
A suspicious person was reported at 10:51 p.m. Friday in the 10 block of Rivercrest Drive. A caller said a man was sitting in a vehicle and trying to sell marijuana. Police spoke to the man who was sitting in the vehicle smoking a cigarette. The man admitted to smoking marijuana in the past but was not trying to sell it and did not have any on him. When asked how long ago in the past the man replied, "Uh, like maybe 10 minutes ago?"

Police saw two suspicious vehicles at 12:03 a.m. Saturday in the 900 block of Fourth Street South. The vehicles were leaving Benton County Cemetery. Police spoke to the drivers, who were lost and looking for a friend's house. One driver commented that the last time he remembered, his friend's house was just over the hill next to old man Johnson's tombstone. He then started laughing uncontrollably and asked if the officer had any Doritos.

Urine big trouble young man!
An officer saw a man urinating at 2:40 a.m. April 14 in the parking lot of Benton Station, 305 North Benton Drive. The man was uncooperative with the officer and threatened to fight him. The officer declined to "fight" the man - and asked him to quit peeing on his shoe.

A naked man was reported at 8:12 p.m. Monday in a wooded area in the 3800 block of Roosevelt Road. The man was waving to vehicles as they passed him. When police arrived, they searched the woods for the man. An officer found him as he appeared to be urinating. When the man saw the officer, he took off on a golf cart that had a large butterfly net in the back. Police did not find the man after he left. Uh... Really? This one is so "out there" that I'm actually at a loss for a clever caption here. But I have a feeling you're not.

Please, help me out with this one. I beg you!


Anonymous said...

Once we were camping in the BWCA, and we all urinated off this little ledge. In a couple days there were like fifty swallowtail butterflys lapping up the salt. Maybe the guy was just a nudist putting out bait.

Anonymous said...

Remember, Illegal is just a sick bird.

Heather said...

The officers assumed he was trying to catch a buzz?

robkroese said...

That's going to be my new excuse for everything. "Well, sure, I've done that in the past..."

Anonymous said...

ummm...they lost the guy and he was driving a golf cart? WTH!

I'll give it a shot.

I like to picture Jesus as a naked guy driving a golf cart, and he stops and pee's and I'm about to sock him one cause he's peeing but then I notice there's something special about this guy, so I better not sock him one and it turns out it's Jesus

Mom Thumb said...

The following morning, he was spotted on the golf course, attempting to catch the rare, white Titleist butterfly in his net. He failed, but a couple of balls were damaged in the process.

Anonymous said...

Very witty! I like the numerous Superman reportings ;)