Friday, May 04, 2007

Please call me "Your Majesty"

In 2001, my dentist told me I had a cracked molar and that I should think about having a crown put on.

How does that work?

Dr. C: Oh, it's no big deal. You simply break off the cracked portion, remove any old fillings that remain and grind down what's left of the tooth so it acts as a post for the new crown. Piece of cake!

Me: Um yeah, sounds like fun. Hey, I'll get back to you on that!

Dr. C: Ok, but make sure you don't bite down on that molar with anything hard like ice or candy or small rocks.

And so for the next 5 1/2 years I cleverly avoided chewing on diamonds and metal fragments, erstwhile keeping my cracked molar in tact and crown-free.

And then one day last December I was innocently eating some taconite pellets and suddenly I was spitting out tooth parts. What the...?!!!

Fortunately, Dr. C had a solution...

Dr. C: Jeff, you've broken off the back corner of your tooth, but I can fill it in with this temporary filling material for the time being. We should definitely order up your crown appointment now.

Me: You mean you can fix it with temporary stuff?

Dr. C: Yes, but there's a reason it's called temporary. That's because it's NOT permanent. Do you understand the difference Jeff?.... Jeff?.... JEFF, YOU NEED TO ORDER THE #$*&!#* CROWN!

And finally last week the battle was over. While chewing on a soft squishy piece of gum, the entire back half of the tooth came off in my mouth. The next morning I was back at Dr. Doom's office.

Me: Hey doc, can you squirt some more of that temporary stuff in there? I promise to be more careful when I eat. In fact, I won't even use my mouth anymore! I've heard that if you blend your food fine enough you can suck it through your nose.

Dr. C: Next week. Crown.

Which takes me to yesterday.

Dr. C: So Jeff, what kind of crown do you want, porcelain or gold?

Me: I'll go with white, thank you. I've decided my future as a rap star was questionable. But if I ever need a grill I'll be sure to let you know.

Twenty minutes later I had four hands in my mouth along with a drill, water and suction. As I lay there attempting to breath through my skin like a frog, the drill found the only non-novicated nerve in my head and sent out a warning shot.

Dr. C: Oh, can you feel that Jeff?

Ymph, hmm dmp oo nmph? (Translation: Yeah, how did you know?)

Dr. C: You're clutching your testicles.

And so after a full hour of dental abuse, here I sit with a brand new crown, ready to rule my kingdom. Now all I need are some servants to fan me with palm leaves and feed me some grapes.

But preferably the seedless ones. A king can only wear one crown.


Anonymous said...

I heard the description of a root canal. Heard the description of the grinding down of my tooth. Heard the description of putting on a crown. Heard the cost of the whole thing.

And opted for the tooth removed. Of course now I have a bloody great gap in the back of my mouth but it's not so bad - I can store grains of rice where the roots of the tooth used to go.

Anonymous said...

I am a wimp when it comes to dental work. I almost couldn't read your post. (breathe, Wendy, breathe). But I send you an internet curtsey, m'Lord.

none said...

I had a similar incident. CVS sells awesome tooth glue and filler, BTW... Mine finally pulled out while chewing on a sour patch kid. While I was on the highway doing 95 mph. Boy if you think driving while putting on makeup, talking on your cell, and adjusting the radio is hard, add peeling sour patch kid off your tooth and trying to jam it back in it's hole. And I never dropped below 85... Of course I can't afford to drive anywhere now that I have this crown to pay for. I much prefer the one I wear on my head...

Anonymous said...

My back left molar broke, and he patched it,$230. Then the patch fell out, so he patched it again, another $230. That fell out two months ago, so I just said to hell with it and filed the broken tooth down with an emery board. Do you know where I can buy a home hemorrhoidectomy kit?

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

dan - There ya go, a nice place to save a small snack for later!

wendy - Breathing does come in handy. Especially if you're not a frog.

princessahah - You've got skilz my friend. Thanks for stopping by!

rick - I would have paid money to see you filing you own tooth - if I was able to watch. I'm shivering just thinking about it. As for the hemorrhoid thing, I have a bag of rubber bands you can have.

Anonymous said...

Too funny----best laugh I've had in months!!!!!BTY---your Dad did the same as Dan, when he broke a molar a while back. And of course--you know what I did, a long time ago!!!Sure saves agonizing hours in the dentist's chair!

Sandy said...

I must be the queen of the WORLD, because I have a lot of them!

yellojkt said...

It's good to be the king.

yoo hoo said...

I've been to the dentist 3 times this week for the same thing. Nothing major this time, a filing down of the the teeth I have. Most men would love my dentist and her assistants....they've been called the "hooters of dentistry"...NOT the reason I go there.

Gale said...

View of me genuflecting and wondering if your crown has jewels...probably cost as if it does. I myself have several crowns last visit to the torture chamber had dentist shoving a pick under each one. Then stating since he can do that it is time to change them. WTF?? So I changed dentists.

Anonymous said...

wow, gripping your nether regions, that must have hurt...hmmm

so, oh king..his Jeffness, have we learned a lesson here? Just get an IV, and forget the food

Anonymous said...

Dentistry is over rated and should be a trade school class, but dentists control all options.

Kal said...

When I had a problem molar I avoided the whole thing until the tooth eventually broke up entirely.

Eventually one of my wisdom teeth dropped down and replaced it.

Kind of shark-like.

Wish I could do that with the rest of my teeth.

Ashley Lasbury said...

Oh, I feel for you Jeff. I had some fun writing about the 3, count 'em 3, filling replacements I had last month. But you made me laugh until tears were rolling down my face. Thank you for that...I so needed it this afternoon.

King, I worship at your feet.

Heather said...

I visit the dentist every 6 months and it sucks, but compared to 2 c-sections...yeah. Especially when the anesthesia wears off before 2nd section is complete...Dentist is nothing.

*lynne* said...

"A king can only wear one crown." well I'll one up ya: I have two! :-)

Anonymous said...

Oh Jeff, you aren't supposed to clutch your own genitals when you hurt. You're supposed to clutch the dentists'. I guarantee it'll get their attention.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

jenny - Hmmm, good point. Perhaps it was an unconscious attempt to find my happy place?

Mooselet said...

Dentists are evil and should not breed. I'd rather go have my annual pap smear than the dentist... um, yeah. I have issues.