Monday, July 16, 2007

And now, here's something we hope you'll really like

Like most people, I enjoy giving advice. And I'm pretty good at it too. Giving the advice that is.

Don't laugh, not everybody is automatically good at this kind of thing. Oh sure, some people have good advice, they just don't know how to give good advice. When posed with a situation where their advice is warranted, whether solicited or not, they might hem and haw and beat around the bush, being careful not to sound too pushy or pretentious.

And then there's me. I'll give advice to anyone anytime anywhere. Ask me a question and I'll give you an answer, and I'll say it with such authority that you'll have no choice but to believe every word I say.

It's a gift, and I'm proud of it.

Although one of my co-workers has begun to question my author-i-tee lately. Recently, after someone (who me?) in the office turned on the "mouse trails" feature on her computer as a practical joke, I told her I didn't see anything wrong and that she was probably suffering from a rare condition caused from too many hours in front of a monitor called "ocular stutter." Now EVERY time I give her an answer about anything, she automatically squints and fires back a suspicious "Are you giving me crap?" comment.

Geez, one little pile of BS and suddenly I can't be trusted for life.

But, since YOU don't know any better, I thought it would be a great idea to introduce a feature I think we'll really like. ESPECIALLY me.

Not unlike Abby, Ann Landers (you do know they are identical twins - right?) or even Elly herself, I am going to make the foray into the exciting world of ADVICE COLUMN ANSWER GUY!

And just like Ask.com, but better smelling, I will solve all your deepest dilemmas. Whether you're looking for advice on marriage, mechanics or measles, my new feature Mr. Know-It-All will provide a completely accurate fully legitimate answer. As far as you know.

All you have to do is send me your questions either through these comments or my email, and once every few weeks I will publish an informed answer.

For example, later this week I will answer this question posed to me by a distressed high school student.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My parents keep hounding me about going to college. My dad went to college but he never finished - and now he's a successful business owner. If college didn't do anything for my dad, why should I have to go?

-Don't Wanna Go

Oh, I can't wait to answer this one!

Stay tuned!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And now, here to tell you everything about anything is Mr. Know-It-All.

-Rocket J. Squirrel

13 comments:

Whit said...

Can I watch you pull a rabbit out of your hat?


Wait, that Bullwinkle reference sounds dirty.

How about:

Why is it that when I wear sandals my feet still stink?

Gale said...

You do realize that when I read this column I am getting the Rocky and Bullwinkle voices in my head?....its gift.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh boy!

Yeah giving versus having is a good distinction. And yes, BS automatically removes you from the list, LOL.

My husband is full of doubt, probably due to growing up with a Know-it-all father, who knows a lot, but not everything.

I can say, "Whole milk has the highest amount of fat in it. Dieters go for 2% or less. In fact, the pediatrician said after 2 to take the kids off of whole unless there is a weight gain issue. That's why I buy 2%."

And he looks at me doubtfully, as if I just said "ocular stutter!" Says, "I've never heard that!"

rick said...

Dear Mr. Know It All,
What can be done, when the Commander In Chief, of the worlds largest army, possesses all the intellect of a poo flinging monkey?

neva said...

just make sure you don't confuse requests for help with the fan mail from some flounder. unless the flounder needs help, of course, in which case... never mind. ; )

Harmonica Man said...

whit - Ooh ooh, I know that one! But you'll have to wait...

gale - I know. I've had those voices in my head all weekend. It's a curse.

julie - Uh oh. Does that mean I should take my kids off heavy cream?

rick - What? He has that much intellect?

neva - That's funny you should bring up that one. When I was little I could never understand what he was saying and for the longest time I had myself convinced he was saying "air mail from some flounder" - which of course is a much better pun.

Carla said...

I once called a cosmetic surgerons office where a friend worked to inquire about "elbow implants". She was stumped but was willing to transfer me to a nurse who could answer my question. hee hee hee

Heather said...

Why is it that the more sure you are that your kids will like a meal, the more likely it is that they will refuse to eat any of it?

Mooselet said...

Dear Mr. Know-it-All,

Why is the plural of 'moose' not 'meese', nor 'mooses'?

Love your work,
Mooselet

wayabetty said...

Boy, you and I are very similar creatures Jeff. Why do you think my blog is called "Waya"? My hubbie gave me the nickname of "Boogle", B(etty) + Google, you get the point.

It doesn't matter what it is...I.WILL.GIVE.YOU.AN.ANSWER, regardless if it makes sense or not, hence the term "Who Asked You Anyway!"

onetallmomma said...

Dear Mr. K.I.A.,
Should I be concerned that my 9 year old son just covered his entire face with little pink post it notes? Help!

Lost in Maine

Emma Sometimes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emma Sometimes said...

Dear Mr. KIA,

Why did you pick an acronym that also stands for Killed In Action?

Secondly, and more importantly, what do you recommend to back up my back up jump drive?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Lotta Dayta