Saturday, August 18, 2007

Hidden Treasures

You may notice my writing has a smoother, slightly more *delicate* feel today.

This is because when I stepped into the shower this morning there was no bar of soap waiting for me in the soap dish. I knew this was coming too because for the last week or so I had been watching our last little chunk of soap evaporate slowly as it melted away to nothing but a tiny chip - that if not used carefully, could easily have become lost in a crevice somewhere never to be seen again.

And then today it was gone. When I asked Charli if we had any more she said no, but told me to just go ahead and use the body wash that was already in the shower.


My immediate thought was "body wa-huh?!" MEN don't use body wash! What am I supposed to use to get in between the cracks? What's supposed to stand between my hand and the funk? WHERE'S MY PROTECTIVE BARRIER BAR?!!!

Body wash. Phffft. And this is no ordinary body wash either. This particular version is labeled "delicate exfoliating body wash with fine exfoliating beads."

Ooh - fine exfoliating beads! Well now, that's a different story. I didn't know it had exfoliating beads in it. And fine ones at that.

But then I thought, what are those for and why did they put the expensive fine ones in there? And what exactly am I supposed to do with them? Sift them out and make jewelry? Display them in a bowl? Trade them with the white man? WHY ARE THERE BEADS IN MY BODY WASH?!

At least I now know why women take so damn long to take a shower. They have to deal with all these questions and with crap in their shower products.

But then I tried it and it all made sense. Ahh... "fine" as in "finely ground," not "fine quality."

In other words, this body wash has sand in it.

Sand. Why didn't the bottle just say that? I know why. Because "beads" sounds so much classier than "sand," and "exfoliating" sounds way better than "sanding the dead skin off your body like an old peeling piece of furniture."

Anyway, I don't like body wash and I don't need to be exfoliated. And even if I did, I wouldn't use body wash.

That's what Lava is for.

23 comments:

neva said...

are you sure you don't need that body wash? because i'm pretty damn certain it's inspired you to all new blogging heights and/or hilarity, my friend.

and, bonus, i'll bet your ass is now smooth as a baby's behind, something Charli is bound to appreciate, at some point down the marital road. ; )

great post, Jeff! and thank goodness for that, otherwise someone would surely have asked your wife to wash your mouth out and/or fingers off with what? that's right... with body wash, Shirley.

um... my veri is "dudhwd". should i be concerned??

neva said...

d'oh! i hate it when my "winkie face" gets cut off.

oh yeah, and looky who's first (and second). how awesome am i? (don't answer that) ; )

er... THIS veri is "bynutd". seriously, what's up with that?

Hilly said...

hahaha, you're kiling me, smalls!

As a self-proclaimed girly girl, I too really dislike the use of body wash for the main soaping! I am a good old fashioned Gold Dial girl because I believe that anti-bacterial is made for crevices!

I do like body wash for shaving or just using as a second coat to make me smell pretty, but yah...no gritty stuff in the hoo-ha!

Sandy said...

Or Tide. You could use Tide to wash yourself with...better yet, just leave your clothes on and you can do double duty.

Am I right???

Bill said...

Running out of soap is tolerable, but running out of toilet paper is the sh---! Restaurants and bars ration toilet paper to keep from supplying students needs in their apartments. Ask for extra napkins, just in case!!!

Heather said...

I have to admit I like Sandy's idea for you. She's got something there.

I bet you look 5 years younger with all that exfoliating.

Mitch McDad said...

How 'bout a little heads up next time. I don't need to read about you in the shower again.

Now, if you want Hilly to get post about her hoo-ha, well, I'm on board with that.

Dan said...

Real men use bleach.

Whit said...

I've used body wash for years. Ironhead Haywood inspired me to wash with a "thingy"- that spongy thing on a rope.

Plus I saw some stand-up by Jay Mohr which goes into great detail about the fact that using a bar of soap in the shower means you are wiping someone else's ass crack on your face. That isn't something I like to do, at least not everyday.

Mooselet said...

I think the difference between washing with exfoliating beads and washing with Lava is that you may still have private parts after washing with the beads. I'm pretty sure that Lava is guaranteed to shred your dangly bits.

And now that I've actually written that last sentence, I must go shower way the icky feeling I gave myself.

Mooselet said...

Er, that should be "away"... see, I'm all flustered now!

Jeff said...

Lovin the comments here!

neva - You say Charli is bound to appreciate my smooth ass somewhere down the road. Can I get a road atlas please?

hilly - "...no gritty stuff in the hoo-hah" SO much possibility here, but damn - this is a family show. For example if it wasn't I could have said something like, "I guess that eliminates the possibility of you dating Nick Nolte" or something like that.

sandy - Yeah but I'd never fit in the dryer.

bill - I think it's more likely that restaurants ration toilet paper because drunken idiots cram them in the toilets.

heather - Especially my ass. According to Neva that is.

mitch - Catching you by surprise is my entire mission as a blogger. I've already put the hash mark for this one on my leader board.

dan - I like to drink bleach and clean myself from the inside out.

whit - I saw that same Mohr routine myself and laughed my ass off. If I'm not mistaken he also included his sister's hootch as another area the soap had previously been. Oh well, there goes the "family show" concept.

mooselet - Isn't the only way your "bits" would be dangly in the first place is if they were shredded? Ok now I need a shower too. It's a good thing I just went out and bought some new soap.

Gale said...

Oh my freaking gawd, that is so funny. It just so happens that we are down to our last sliver of aqua colored soap. Sitting there waiting to used is 2 healthy lavender colored soaps. Rocky is having a cow because he has to use those. It is cracking me up. On the other hand I use to be married to a guy who never used deodarant because in his words, 'he never sweated'. peeuuuu. Oh you made me laugh today.

Mom Thumb said...

The proper way to take a shower: use the Dial Gold on the crevices AFTER applying it to a washcloth, thus eliminating the sharing of soap in the crevices. Use the body wash on the rest of the body except the face, where you use the apricot exfoliating facial stuff. Geez.

Jennine said...

My mother once washed my mouth out with Lava soap after I said the "F" word.

I would have preferred body wash.

Diesel said...

If sand makes you clean, my kids would be spotless.

Ba Doozie said...

Oh but you DO need exfoliation. It is the key to the longevity of youthful looking skin according to Christie Brinkley.


I would also like to point out, that you need to take into consideration that where you put that bar of soap? others put it in those places on their bodies too. Do you really want to touch it? If it was me, I'd have my own bar. When you get in next time and use it on your face, imagine that the last person used it in their crack.....you're welcome!

Kal said...

You'll want to go easy on the body wash. Pretty soon you'll find yourself staring in mirrors and getting that flip of your bangs just right.

In other words, you'll turn into John Edwards.

Jenny from Chicago said...

LOL! Great post....not that I don't take your issues with body wash seriously.

Carla said...

...um body wash from now on. It never occured to me to think about where 'other' people were using bars of soap. ick!

JD said...

DEFINITELY, sell them to the white man!

You're hilarious!

And by-the-by, girls don't rub a bar of soap on their faces, ewww!

Variant E said...

Real men use turpentine...it trumps all other odors and smells.

ali said...

Sure your using soap that others have used on thier respective "parts" but....soap is ment to clean so wouldn't the soap be cleaning itself as you used it?

Just something to think about.