Thursday, August 02, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All

Well then, it's time for another installment of Mr. Know-It-All. And this time, with the answers to YOUR questions!

Let's get started shall we?

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why is it that when I wear sandals my feet still stink?
- Whit

Dear Whit,
You've got it all backwards my friend - the sandals are only letting the stink OUT! If you want to keep people from smelling your rancid dogs, you're gonna need to first wrap them in plastic bread bags, seal the top around your legs with duct tape, cover those with knee-high cotton socks, and THEN wear a pair of kickerinos over those. However, just make sure you're the only one around when you take all that shit off later on.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What can be done when the Commander In Chief of the world's largest army, possesses all the intellect of a poo flinging monkey?
- Rick

Dear Rick,
Funny you should ask that. The ironic thing is, in lieu of the fact that nothing else has worked for them in Iraq, the White House has been considering "poo flinging" as their latest strategy. In fact, NPR reported this quote from President Bush just yesterday:

"As we speak, Iraqi soldiers are being trained to 'drop, squat and hurl.' I believe the al-Qaeda won't know what hit 'em. Until they smell it that is."

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why is it that the more sure you are that your kids will like a meal, the more likely it is that they will refuse to eat any of it?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
Not unlike Whit, you seem to have it backwards as well. The trick to getting your kids to eat all of their food, is to feed them only what they want. Stop trying to fight it, you're never gonna win. In fact, try feeding them corn dogs and cotton candy for dinner tonight and just watch as they eat every last bite. It's not as hard as you think.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why is the plural of 'moose' not 'meese', nor 'mooses'?
- Mooselet

Dear Mooselet,
That may be the way it is in Australia, but over here we say 'mooses' all the time. It's even used in respected works of literature. Has it really been that long since you've been gone?

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Should I be concerned that my 9 year old son just covered his entire face with little pink post it notes? Help!
- Lost in Maine (aka One Tall Momma)

Dear Lost in Maine,
No. At this age, he is just "experimenting" and should be simply left alone to work through it. If you make too big of a deal over it, he will become confused and start to think that he is different from all the other boys. This will only lead to further exploration and experimentation and could result in the application of even larger and more florescent-colored notes.

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Don't see your question here? Not to worry, I received many excellent queries the last time I ran this feature and Mr. Know-It-All is answering your questions in chronological order. So stay tuned because yours is coming up soon!

In the meantime, go ahead and post your questions for Mr. Know-It-All. You'll be glad you did.



Whit said...

It's like school, but I learned stuff.

Thanks Mr. Know-It-All!

yoo hoo said...

"drop, squat and hurl" that's an excellent strategy, because we know none of the other 'shit' worked.

Mooselet said...

Must be the lack of moose in this country. And I own that book along with "Thidwick the Big Hearted Moose" by Dr. Seuss

B. M. Lee said...

If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?

Julie Pippert said...

This is hilarious! The poo one and kid eating one, too funny.

I tried to think of a question but mine were all too complicated, such as, "Why do birds suddenly appear?" and "Why do fools fall in love...and vote as they do?"

But I see in fact these would have fit in okay so maybe next time.

Ravin' Picture Maven

Heather said...

Well okay, I'll try that one. I'm sure that I will be a model mom feeding my kids crap every day. Thanks a bunch.

Although my daughter would love to eat only cheese, or macaroni and cheese...then she'd never poop again...

Ashley Lasbury said...

Thank you Mr. KIA! That is a real relief. I was concerned with his color choice. Next time I will encourage him to cover his face with the blue post-it's.

This week I have a new dilemma. He stuck a gummy bear up his nose and is having a hard time getting it out. Does this fall under your general heading of "experimentation" as well?

Still Lost in Maine.

robkroese said...

No more questions here. That's pretty much all the same stuff I wanted to know.