Monday, September 24, 2007

Dumb and Dumber

Ok, putting up a post about nothing was dumb, I’ll admit it. But hey, I’m not above doing dumb things. In fact, I’ve got quite the history of doing dumb things to prove it.

For example, when I was about 10, my buddy and I sprinkled roofing nails all over the road… in front of our house. Well technically he sprinkled the nails, I just followed behind him and stood them upright. But still, not a great idea.

Especially when the neighbors started telling my dad he owed them the money for their flat tires.

Or another time, when I was about the same age, when one of my buddies walked down to our yard all dressed up (nerd-like) to go to some fancy restaurant with his mom. When my other friends started to tease him about how “cute” he looked, I got all caught up in the moment and smushed my ice cream cone right into his chest – apparently just to teach him that he shouldn’t wear nice things around us.

The reason he came down to our house in the first place? Ya, to invite me to go with him. Nice.

Or the time when I was about 12 and me and my buddies all decided we would shoplift something on a dare – and got caught. And had to be lectured by the Target security manager for like an hour. And had to call our parents from his office and tell them what we did. And had to have our parents come and get us.

The big item I was busted for? Oh, I’m so proud… an adhesive number “0” like the kind you stick on your house for your address. That’s right, a big dumb zero, just like me. At least that’s how I felt at the time. But what important lesson did I learn that day?

That's right - I learned about irony. Can you say irony children?

And finally the time when I was about 16 and one of my buddies and I crafted an impromptu raft out of driftwood logs that were lying on the beach of Lake Superior. Of course since we didn’t have any rope with us at the time, we simply criss-crossed the logs on top of each other until we had constructed a platform that was about 8’ x 8’ square. And very much to our surprise when we pushed it out into the water and climbed onto it – IT FLOATED!

So naturally we had to paddle it out a ways and lie down on it so we could soak up the sun. But soon the tide started pulling us out to “sea” and the waves began to get bigger. Eventually our little barge started to break apart and before we knew it, there we were bobbing up and down
in the frigid waters of Lake Superior about ½ mile from shore with just two logs between our legs. This of course was way too far for either of us to swim in that temperature, especially with numb legs already.

Only after a fishing boat happened to pass close enough for the perplexed captain to see our arms waving in the air, were we lucky enough to be rescued from our icy trap. And because we hadn't told anyone else where we were or what we had done, no one would have even been looking for us. Let's just call the fact that we escaped that one unharmed dumb luck.

So there you have it, a few of the dumb things I did as a kid. But you know - as I was writing this I noticed one common thread throughout all these stories. In every one of these events, I was with a buddy or buddies. So maybe I wasn't the dumb one after all. Maybe I was just too naive to say "no" when these guys proposed these ridiculous plots and none of these things were actually my fault in the first place. Huh? You think?

Naw, now I'm just being dumb.

20 comments:

Sandy said...

Ummm...or perhaps they thought the same thing about you???

:)

Actually, what you needed was one of those "I'm with stupid" t-shirts that have the arrow. That would have clarified things a bit.

Dad said...

It is obvious that you take after your mothers side of the family!

Heather said...

Nice.

Although there is something to the fact that you weren't alone. Kids rarely do the really dumb stuff alone.

My kids are soooo not having any friends when they're teenagers.

Mom said...

All I can think of to say is OMG!!!

VE said...

That's funny. It's a wonder you didn't poke your eye out with those nails!!! Besides, kids now can just turn on their computer and do all these things virtually first in their SIMs game. Where the fun in that; they need to experience real blood, real fear, real embarassement. I personally once argued with a friend over who got to cut the birthday cake. He was holding the butcher knife by the handle, I grabbed the blade. We both pulled back...well, you get the picture.

Jeff said...

sandy - I did have one of those t-shirts, only the arrow pointed up instead of to the side. Then when I got older, the arrow pointed down.

dad - Ooh, smart move dad. So should I be expecting a phone call from you tomorrow asking me how to run the microwave so you can heat up a can of beans for dinner?

heather - Yeah, good luck with that.

mom - Oh, did I forget to mention some of those things? Oops.

Jeff said...

ve - Nearly natural selection in progress huh? Sometimes I marvel at the fact that kids ever make it to adulthood.

Mitch McDad said...

Yeah...blame it on the buddies.Bunch of juvenile delinquents. Glad I didn't do anything like that when I was a kid.

deborah said...

It amazes me that your Dad didn't BUY the giant "O" and make you walk around wearing it for a few days.

I love the Dumb and Dumber pics that kept jumping in.

Having a son as my last child is suddenly scaring me just a bit, Jeff. Thanks so much.

Oh, what's your shirt size?

Jenny said...

I got caught by the same cop twice on private property. Both times I was topless.

Dad said...

Jeff: Once you learn how to work a microwave, you hear, "Fix your own dam lunch!"

rick said...

You forgot a few. How about the time you Mark dressed up like scary old men and terrorized the Fitzsimmons and Mrs. Grunlund?

neva said...

one of my caption entries (for Diesel's contest) this week was very much related to this topic. thinkin' my "tag" line would work well for this post, too: stupid is as stupid does, and stupid is ALL there is. (yes, i know that sounds "stupid", but, um, it's supposed to, m'kay?)

way to follow a "nothing" post with one that's just chock full o' funny! ; )

Jeff said...

mitch - So you're saying you were one of those kids who were never let out of the house? This explains a lot then.

deborah - What are you scared of? Sure I did dumb things, but look how normal I turned out. Ok, that's not helping is it?

jenny - At least you were on private property. If you were caught topless on public property then I'd be concerned.

dad - What can I say... you're dumb like a fox dad.

rick - What do you mean I forgot a few? That's a complete list of everything dumb I ever did.

And just because the neighbor guy was ready to beat me to death after he caught me lurking around his property dressed in a skinhead wig and trench coat late at night doesn't mean I was being dumb. He just didn't see the humor in it because he was dumb. Duh.

Jeff said...

neva - Thank you my friend. You're always so generous in your comments. I got to Diesel's party too late and all the good comments were taken, so I bowed out this week. The competition is getting too stiff over there for a dummy like me. ;-)

Gale said...

Jeff, you have dumb friends. Do we need to do an intervention? Start weeding them bad boys out.

Elizabeth said...

So, do your kids know about all the dumb things you did?? What do they think aboout all your adventures?

Ba Doozer said...

Well, I feel dumb because I do dumb stuff now at my current age....and by the way, they had target back in your day? wow

Carla said...

You've outgrown this right? Or do I need to ask Charli?

wayabetty said...

So you were the "dumb" and your buddies were the "dumber"? I hope it's not heredity.