Saturday, September 01, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All

Well whatta ya know. Here it is September already and time for another installment of your favorite answer man - Mr. Know-It-All!

Let's get started right away with a question from the lovely Mrs. Dayta of Seattle, WA.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

Why did you pick an acronym that also stands for Killed In Action?
Secondly, and more importantly, what do you recommend to back up my back up jump drive?
- Sincerely, Mrs. Lotta Dayta

Dear Mrs. Dayta,
First of all, I would never pick an acronym. Don't you know that if you pick it, it will never heal? Besides, the acronym for Mr. "Found Under Common Knowledge" wasn't appropriate for this blog.

Secondly... you should copy all the data from your back up jump drive to several 3 1/2" floppy diskettes. Then mail those diskettes to 1990 and insert them into your 80286 CPU. You will never be able to get to your data again, but at least it will be safe.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How can I convince the ranks of potty trained children in my home that you DO NOT have to use half a roll of toilet paper at one sitting or that you CAN use half a roll IF you use a few sheets at a time with a flush in between?

- Sincerely, Overflowing in Offspring

Dear Overflowing,
Forget toilet paper, that's SO non-European. Anyone who's anyone knows that bidets are the way to go these days. They're stylish, sanitary AND multi-functional. For example, besides taking care of your "bottom business" they can also serve as:

a bathtub for your toddler

a water supply for your pet. And MOST importantly...

a convenient cooler for your beer!

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
- B.M. Lee

Dear B.M. Lee,
This question reminds me of the old Sears catalog that featured 3 versions of the same item at different price breaks. Remember? They would offer 3 guitars for example with the following descriptions:
Our good guitar - $29.95
Our better guitar - $99.95
Our best guitar - $179.95

Well, if you haven't figured out where I'm going with your question by now, I'm simply suggesting that you would take your claim against the Better Business Bureau to the Best Business Bureau. That's what they're there for.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do birds suddenly appear? Why do fools fall in love? Why do fools vote as they do?
- Julie

Dear Julie,
Well, lookit here, a Mr. KIA trifecta! I'll take them one at a time...
1. Because you didn't listen to the warnings at Woodstock. They made it VERY clear to stay away from the brown acid for a reason. Click here if you don't believe me.
2. I actually can't answer this because every time I attempt to repeat the question to myself I get distracted with the other more important question... Why do birds sing so gay? And that question will have to get in line for the next edition of Mr. KIA. Sorry.
3. Actually, the only fools are the ones who DON'T vote.
(paid for by the committee to get-off-your-ass-and-make-a-difference)

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Don't see your question here? Not to worry, Mr. Know-It-All is answering your questions in the order they were received, so stay tuned because yours is coming up soon!

What would you like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?


Whit said...

I went to a party that used a urinal as a keg tap.

Something made me think of that.

Gale said...

Why is it that everytime I start to read your Mr Know it all column that Rocky Squirrel is talking? Is it a gift? Have I asked this question before? And what happened to Boris and Natasha after the wall came down, where are they?

Anonymous said...

The toilet beer cooler adds new meaning, when people say, "This beer tastes like crap!

but Momma said...

Can you imagine what kind of trouble my kids could get into with a bidet?


But I've got to give Mr. KIA credit, I hadn't thought of that one!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. Kia

My name is Mia Krackasaur and I would like to know why it is that I have to use baby wipes to keep my bottom fresh after a BM?

Mooselet said...

If no one cares, why does Jimmy crack corn? That's always bothered me...

Heather said...

Why do the people shout "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" quieter and quieter? What are the odds of 2 men being named that?

robkroese said...

My mom always told me not to pick my acronym, but now I have a cool scar.

Jenn said...

If it was Pabst Blue Ribbon, the beer would taste like crap.

Anonymous said...

i feel so informed -- even as i find myself wondering how many calls to our Rotorooter man we could have avoided, had we only invested in one o' them "bidets" back when our sons were first being potty trained.

oh, and maybe the birds sound "gay", but the Byrds sure hell did not. (thinking they managed to steer clear of the brown acid)

Where's Waldo?