Saturday, October 06, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All

Well, it's October - and that can only mean one thing... it's time for another installment of your favorite answer man - Mr. Know-It-All!

This is a big one, so let's get started right away, shall we?

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My son stuck a gummy worm up his nose.

- One Tall Momma

Dear Momma,
Since it's not clear whether this is a question or a statement of pride, I'll go with the former and recommend a solution. Because worms are naturally shaped to tunnel themselves through small openings (such as sinus cavities), I propose that instead of trying to remove the worm from his nose, you should instead encourage him to finish what he started. One good inhale should get the process started and nasal mucus will naturally lubricate the pliable annelid so the remainder of the trip should be relatively quick and painless. And in the end, your son will have acquired a valuable new skill that he can later use to impress women at college parties.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Now that you have an updated bike, are you going to have to change your biker waves?

- Linda

Dear Linda,
Fortunately no. The biker waves I made fun of wrote about here are timeless and have been around since the days of the Roman chariots. However, instead of lifting your left hand off the handlebar of your motorcycle to flash a peace sign, those riders would instead lift their swords off their hips to slice off your head. Same concept, slightly different message.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How do you get a Sam's club card if you don't already have a club card to get into Sam's Club to get one?

- Brandon

Dear Brandon,
Good question Brandon, I can tell you employ a keen logical thought process. As you know, this phenomenon is known as a continuous loop - which can only be broken by entering another dimension.
Unfortunately, Sam's Club does not have a door to another dimension because they're impossible to open. However if you're clever, you can sometimes fake out the woman who is checking club memberships at the front door by pointing to her left and yelling, "Hey - that guy took two chicken nugget samples!" Then, while she's distracted you can quickly run over to the "New Members" window and overpay them for a membership.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why is it that every time I start to read your Mr. Know-It-All column that I hear Rocky Squirrel talking? Is it a gift?

- Gale

Dear Gale,
Yes Gale, you have "the gift." And, you should welcome the little squirrel voice in your head because one day it will become your only closest friend.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My name is Mia Krackasaur and I would like to know why it is that I have to use baby wipes to keep my bottom fresh after a BM?

- M. Krackasaur

Dear M. Krackasaur,
One can only assume (heh, I said "ass" ume) that the reason you have a "crack-a-sore" for a bottom in the first place is because you are buying your toilet paper from the Home Depot. So I would recommend you treat the problem rather than the symptom. Of course the definition of what you consider "fresh" should be left up to you. And only you. Please.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
If no one cares, why does Jimmy crack corn? That's always bothered me.

- Mooselet

Dear Mooselet,
The song is actually about a slave owner who died when his horse threw him after being bitten by a blue-tail fly. Jimmy (the slave) is singing this in third person about himself, in contempt of his master - and saying he doesn't even mind crackin' corn now that his master has gone away. Now, hopefully you can let this one go and worry about bigger things.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do the people shout "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt" quieter and quieter? What are the odds of 2 men being named that?

- Heather

Dear Heather,
I'll take these in reverse order...
1. Actually, there is a remote village in Hungary called Schmidtvilla where every single person has a last name of Schmidt, and John Jacob Jingleheimer is a very common name. His cousin Dan David Dingleberry Schmidt has the same problem.
2. You have to sing it quieter and quieter so the people around you don't eventually punch you in the face.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Where's Waldo?

- Neva

Dear Neva,
Last I heard, Waldo was serving time in jail for trespassing, loitering and violating a public nuisance ordinance. I understand inmates are now asking the same question.

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Don't see your question here? Not to worry, Mr. Know-It-All is answering your questions in the order they were received, so stay tuned because yours is coming up soon!

What would you like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?


Anonymous said...

Dear Krackasaur, may I offer this simple solution. Before you go, wipe the affected area with a little vasoline. This will cut the closing "paperwork" by at least 75%,leaving you fresh and irritation free. Try it,you will be glad you did.

Heather said...

Wow. I don't know what's better, the questions or the answers...

yellojkt said...

Our membership club is called BJ's, but oddly, they don't sell those. Anyways, they only check your membership when you pay, so you can go in and price 2 gallon jugs of ketchup anytime you want.

Halfmexican Mama said...

If Jack was nimble and Jack was quick, why was he wasting his time jumping over a candlestick? I mean why wasnt he out running marathons or in the olympics?

Anonymous said...

Can't type. Laughing...

deborah said...

One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish, but why??

Anonymous said...

So the school bus gets in your way. You now have a good reason to buy a speed boat that can take you up the Mississippi to your office steps in Sartell.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

anon - But...but...butt... doesn't that just mean you need more "paperwork" to wipe off the vasoline?

heather - And I don't know if your answer was a question or a comment.

yello - Good plan. I could never figure out why they needed gate police in the first place.

halfmexican mama - Thanks for the question. Mr. KIA will be happy to answer it next time!

andi - Thanks. You've said all that matters.

deborah - These tough life questions can only be answered by Mr. KIA.

bill - Naw, I just pass the school bus after he puts his little stop sign out. It works out nice because all the traffic on the other side is stopped too, so passing is really easy!

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I-can't-stop-laughing...I am dying here, I have to read this a few more times!

Ashley Lasbury said...

Thank you so much. Next time I will advise him to inhale the gummy up his nose instead of removing it and then inserting it into his mouth....which is what he did.

You are my hero.

B. M. Lee said...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

wayabetty said...

Dear Mr. KIA (I wonder if the KIA car company will ask you to change this name since it's patented and all.)

But that's not my question, my question is this is like the missing socks in the laundry, how come I have a gazillion of plastic containers, you know like the tupperware, but not one lid to it. Why can't those container companies come up with a container with the lid ATTACHED? Should I send that idea to them or come up with my own patent and make a gazillion of dollars and retire rich?

Anonymous said...

I saw birds sleeping while standing on a wire. Is that contrary to the law of gravity?