Sunday, November 18, 2007

Mr. Know-It-All

As I was preparing this month's answers for Mr. Know-It-All, I suddenly remembered yet another malaprop someone once blurted out to me...

"Oh, quit being such a Mr. Show-it-all!"

Apparently she didn't get the chance to read number 5 from these two posts.

ANYWAY... it's halfway through November already so I'd better get crackin if I'm going to answer your questions from last month. And so I give you another installment from your favorite answer man - Mr. Know-It-All!

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
If Jack was nimble and Jack was quick, why was he wasting his time jumping over a candlestick? I mean why wasn't he out running marathons or in the Olympics?

- Halfmexican Mama


Dear Mama,
It's a little known fact that Jack was a sociopath who was terrified of being seen as boring, or even worse - dull. Therefore, he lived his entire life trying to live down the popular perception that "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" by playing stupid games such as "see who can jump over the candlestick without burning your crotch" instead of training for marathons or the Olympics - of which he considered to be work.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
One fish, Two fish, Red fish, Blue fish, but why?
- Deborah


Dear Deborah,

This is an excellent question. Most people think Dr. Suess was a children's author who only wrote nonsensical verse, when in fact Theodor Suess Geisel was actually a secret agent for the CIA. This seemingly innocuous rhyme about red and blue fish was in reality a coded message that disclosed the identities and whereabouts of various communist operatives who were embedded within our own government. This particular book contains a wealth of valuable covert information that only the most skilled decoding experts were able to decipher. Take this passage for example:

"...Some have two feet and some have four.Some have six feet and some have more.
Where do they come from? I can't say.But I bet they have come a long, long way."


Here we see Geisel identifying various teams of foreign double-agents consisting of up to 3 or more members. This is why it's a good idea not to judge a book by its cover.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Now, tell me how to nicely tell people to quit sending me email that I have to send to 25 of my dearest friends in order to get a blessing, and that requires me to email it back to the person who sent it to me so they know without a shadow of a doubt that I sent it on.
- JD


Dear JD,
This is indeed a quandary. You don't want to hurt your friend's feelings but at the same time you don't want to keep receiving her tons of crap-mail. You basically have 2 options here.
1. Change your email address. This is a pain because you have to notify everyone of your change, and your friend will eventually find out your new address again anyway. Besides, why should you have to go through all that work just because she decides to blast spam all over the internet?
2. Fight back. That's right. Start sending her every piece of internet garbage that exists about 50 times a day for 2 weeks. Hopefully she'll get the message. Oh, and if you need help finding this much material just let me know. I've got plenty to spare.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Cats; happy little bundles of love or evil incarnate wrapped in fur?
- Elizabeth


Dear Elizabeth,
Unfortunately I have a strong anti-cat stance due to an incident regarding an old girlfriend. I once dated a woman for several days before I ever stepped foot into her apartment. However, not once before I stopped by did she ever inform me that she was the proud keeper of 15 cats. When I stepped inside the stench was so horrible I nearly vomited on my shoes. It was in fact SO bad that it actually caused me to quit seeing her.

I know, don't blame the kitties. But still.
*urp*

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Maybe you can help me answer a question that I've been struggling with:
What happens when an irresistible force meets an impenetrable barrier?
Thanks for your help!

- Jennine


Dear Jennine,
Regarding the forces: Well, you're right... some of those little buggers can be pretty stubborn little forces indeed!


Regarding the barriers: Unfortunately, even though the package does say they're supposed to provide protection - it does NOT say anything about them being impenetrable.

Anyway, to answer your question as to what happens when they meet? Well, I think you know the answer to this one.

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Don't see your question here? Not to worry, Mr. Know-It-All is answering your questions in the order they were received, so stay tuned because yours is coming up soon!

What would you like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?

9 comments:

Julie Pippert said...

LOL about forces and barriers!

I wish your email plan worked...

Julie
Using My Words

Mom Thumb said...

Thanks for clearing up the Dr. Seuss dilemma. I think the cat in the hat was a double agent.

VE said...

Talk about needing help...to think that One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish was a secret double agent identifier...I like it! Now I suppose Horton is really a republican double agent working for the democrats too! Sheez! Don't even tell me what those green eggs really were...

Jeff said...

julie - Why do you think my email solution won't work? All you need to do is give up most of every day for 2 weeks sending out tons of spam and you'll see!

mom thumb - I think you're right. I never trusted that guy either.

ve - You got it. Horton was trained as an audio specialist. His most famous case was the time when no one else was able to identify the suspect's voice on the recording, and he was able to correctly identify the operative known as "Who."

deborah said...

they should've called you for the Bourne series!

Gale said...

Once again I sit at your feet and learn many great and wonderful things...really. You must look into your own consulting firm, big $$ in it.

Heather said...

Very interesting. It's always good to learn something new.

Mama Drama Jenny said...

Can I have JD's email address? I think he needs some cyber angels to bless him with blinking gifs. And if he sends it on to 8 people Bill Gates will send him a ticket to Disneyland.

It's true!

Windyridge said...

Too funny! I was always suspicious of Dr Seuss!