Tuesday, December 18, 2007

How to kidnap cut your own Christmas tree in 6 easy steps

1. Locate your new victim Christmas tree at the local tree farm.


2. Cut off life support down the tree at the base.


3. Proudly display your ability to overpower a defenseless tree find the perfect specimen.


4. Have the tree shaken until it suffers from brain damage to remove the extra dead needles.


5. To prepare the tree for transport, force it into a claustrophobic bailer that binds and gags it have the nice tree farm man wrap it up snugly.


6. To bring it home, stuff the corpse of a tree gently place your beautiful new tree into your trunk.

26 comments:

Gary said...

I'm reminded of another story of the first christmas tree that I bought for my tiny one-roomed apartment when I slightly over-estimated the spare capacity in the room for a Norway Spruce - I had to leave more of the tree outside on the balcony than finally made it inside, and I still couldn't see the TV until New Year.

the frogster said...

Really throws a whole new spin on the whole thing.

We have had an artificial tree since forever. Your insightful post made me realize I dig the artificial tree because I would have the same relationship with a live tree that I have with hamburgers- if I had to harvest it myself I wouldn't be able to take the gore.

Julie Pippert said...

Charlie Brown would be so proud. :)

And wow...it's like real winter and real Christmas and stuff there.

Our hibiscus and azaleas are blooming and the palm trees are swaying in the breeze.

Wastin' away again in Margaritaville to the tune of Jungle Bells.

So enjoy the scent of fresh pine (or fir or spruce) and driven snow. :)

Julie
Using My Words

Kathy Frederick said...

If a tree screams in the forest, does anyone hear it die?

VE said...

First of all...what the heck is all that white stuff?

Second: You forgot the next few steps...
7. Realize the tree is too big for the Christmas stand.
8. Take axe or chisel and thin down trunk to get tree into stand
9. Realize the tree is too tall for the room
10. Remove stand
11. Trim branches that are too low
12. Saw several inches off the base
13. Realize the tree is still too big for the Christmas stand
14. Repeat step 8
15. Put tree up
16. Decorate
17. Tree falls over because it was too big

Ok, maybe that only happens to me

Carla said...

I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of your hat that I had to re-read the post about the actual killing of the tree...I mean kidnapping and taking home...I mean deforestation of Minnesota.

Heather said...

I hope you checked it for squirrels too.

yellojkt said...

I hear you have to be real sneaky to catch those trees off-guard. Congrats. You might want to move up to shotgun barrel fishing.

Stepping Over the Junk said...

did it knock you over in #3?

Jeff said...

gary - We've done that too, only we pretend it's on purpose and then use all the extra branches as festive adornments to our porch and flower boxes.

frogster - Fortunately I don't have to eat the tree, otherwise I might have a problem with it too.

julie - Was that a typo? Cause if it wasn't you're going to need to explain Jungle Bells to me.

kathy - Only it's loving children, friends and relatives.

ve - That's what you get for having a tree complex. Do you drive a huge 4x4 too?

carla - Thank you for noticing. I'm very proud of that hat you must know. BTW, I changed the title of the post after I read your comment. I was looking for a better word than "apprehend" and "kidnap" made much more sense. Is it legal to do that? I'm not going to get arrested by the blog police am I?

heather - No squirrels, but I did find a little forest gnome under my couch this morning.

yello - It's not as easy as it looks. Just when you think you've got a good one in your sites, they somehow manage to lose a bunch of branches on one side. I think it's a self-preservation thing.

steppin - Yeah, but I put up a worthy fight first!

Whit said...

Did you learn that on the Sopranos Xmas special?

Dan said...

You monster

deborah said...

You forgot to mention the carbon monoxide poisoning due to being stuffed in the trunk

Mom Thumb said...

Isn't this like if someone has a bunch of buffalo on their land and you pay them to shoot it? I mean, really, is this sport? I think you need to go into the wilderness, sit in a tree stand until the perfect tree shows up, and then kill it. I'm just saying.

Jennine said...

So here's the thing I discovered this year. Christmas tree lots spray all the trees, even the ones you cut yourself, with artificial pine scent. We cut a tree from our property this year, brought it in the house and my house STILL smelled like old shoe. Can you believe it??

Jeff said...

whit - You can learn a lot from the mob. In fact, I believe the tree I cut down was the logfather.

dan - Ok I admit it, I'm not pro-pine.

deborah - Isn't that what trees like? Or is that Carbon Dioxide? I can never keep those two straight.

mom thumb - I tried that once, but it took 15 years for the seed that blew in to germinate, turn into a sapling and grow into a tree big enough to cut down - and I just don't have that kind of spare time.

jennine - Maybe it would help if you sprayed all the shoes in your house with pine scent instead. The other thing they do on the tree lots is spray paint the trees green when they don't look green enough for the season. I'm not kidding.

Jeff said...

whit - You can learn a lot from the mob. In fact, I believe the tree I cut down was the logfather.

dan - Ok I admit it, I'm not pro-pine.

deborah - Isn't that what trees like? Or is that Carbon Dioxide? I can never keep those two straight.

mom thumb - I tried that once, but it took 15 years for the seed that blew in to germinate, turn into a sapling and grow into a tree big enough to cut down - and I just don't have that kind of spare time.

jennine - Maybe it would help if you sprayed all the shoes in your house with pine scent instead. The other thing they do on the tree lots is spray paint the trees green when they don't look green enough for the season. I'm not kidding.

Windyridge said...

If thats a truck what do your cars look like over your way? LOL

Sandy said...

What a lucky tree.

Dan said...

LOL!! You look like you're actually wrestling the damned thing in the second photo!

You rule! :)

Mitch McDad said...

Nice work oh brave hunter.

Julia said...

I'm jealous! I want someone to kill a tree for me and bring it to my home, set it up, decorate it, and then remove it and its trail of pine needles on January 1.

Seriously, that looks kinda fun.

Caron said...

Was the ransom note spelled out in pine needles?

Funkster said...

Do you put tinsel, fake icicles, and flock/frost it like your parents did? In other words make it not look like a real tree after all… I still remember all those Christmases at your house. I would stay the extra week, the sledding, the snowmobiling. What fond, rich memories!

Jeff said...

windy - Dare I suggest you misread "trunk" for "truck"? Although, since we traded our minivan for the Taurus it definitely HAS been our family truck!

sandy - Hmmmm, lucky to have been cut down or lucky because it gets to spend Christmas with us? I'll assume you meant the latter ;-)

dan - That's right. Ain't no tree I can't take down!

mitch - Thanks. It's a trophy 500,000-pointer.

julia - They have these cool tree-sized bags you slip over your tree so you don't end up decorating your entire house with pine needles when you're done with it. They're really quite wonderful.

caron - Yes, and it said that the money had to be in unmarked evergreen-backs. Ouch - sorry.

funkster - I'm ALWAYS remembering the Christmases our families spent together, both at our house and at your house. In fact, I can't remember a single year we didn't get together. Those memories pretty much define Christmas for me as a kid.

Gale said...

This is why I bought a fake tree ...sobbing uncontrollably....