Thursday, January 10, 2008

Holidays 2008

It's that time of the year again when most people pick up a new calendar so they can begin planning their next year's schedules and vacations.

But not you! Because you are lucky enough to be one of my readers, you don't even have to leave your computer to find out what's happnin' in 2008. Just bookmark this post and the next time you need to know what day a specific holiday falls on, simply click your way back here and you're good to go.

That's right. As my gift to you, I have once again put together this handy holiday reference guide to help you remember when to celebrate this year. And, as an added bonus, I've included some of my own unsolicited comments.


You're welcome!

*New Year's Day (Jan 1 - Tue) - or better known as "Holy Crap, Do I Have A Headache!" Day. This is the day upon which millions of new resolutions are launched in a renewed attempt to change ourselves for the better - for about a week.


*MLK Jr. Birthday
(Jan 21 - Mon) - One of the few holidays actually worth honoring someone over.


Groundhog Day (Feb 2 - Sat) - Harmless fun. Plus, nobody has to send a card or buy anything.

Valentine's Day (Feb 14 - Thu) - Women receive chocolate, flowers, jewelry, love notes and fine dining. Men receive - the bill.
(Hallmark fun fact: Behind Christmas, Valentines Day is their second biggest day of the year. An estimated 190 million valentines were sent last year.)

*President's Day (Feb 18 - Mon) - Originally was just Washington's Birthday. Then they added Lincoln's birthday. Then they said, "let's just make it day to honor all presidents, good or lame!" I can never decide whether to honor Chester Arthur or Franklin Pierce, they were both soooo cool. Oh yeah, and sheets are on sale at Penneys!

Daylight Savings Time Begins (Mar 9 - 2am Sun) - Spring ahead!
The first day of hope that longer warmer days are coming. Joy!

St. Patrick's Day (Mar 17 - Mon) - More harmless fun, but why do these guys get their own holiday? Where's my Norwegian St. Olaf's Day? On second thought, green beer looks bad enough in the toilet. I don't think I want to see what the morning brings after a rousing night of lutefisk and lefsa.

Easter Sunday (Mar 23 - Sun) - A day to celebrate the rising of Christ from the dead... with candy, bunnies and eggs.

April Fool's Day (Apr 1 - Tue) - Always hated it. Just another excuse for smart-asses to be jerks and call it a "joke".

Earth Day (Apr 22 - Tue) - A good cause AND no card required to boot!

Secretaries' Day (Apr 23 - Wed) - TOTALLY Hallmark-invented. Nuff said. *Update... As of this year, this day has now officially been renamed to... ready?.... Administrative Professionals Day. Whatever.

Arbor Day (Apr 25 - Fri) - Eh, bundle it into Earth Day. Except for a few Boy Scout troops I've never seen anyone give a crap about this one.

Cinco de Mayo (May 5 - Mon) - Just remember... NOT a day to drink a 5th of mayonnaise.

Mother's Day (May 11 - Sun), Father's Day (Jun 15 - Sun) and Grandparent's Day (Sep 7 - Sun) - I believe we should honor our parents and grandparents. And, a day to take them to dinner and tell them we appreciate them is a good idea - if you can get a reservation.
(Hallmark fun fact: Behind Christmas and Valentines Day, these holidays make up the next three reasons why Hallmark received an average of $4 billion in net revenue each year, but who's counting.
Last year: Mother's Day - 155 million cards sent, Father's Day - 105 million)


*Memorial Day (May 26 - Mon) - Another respectable holiday worth recognizing. Plus, for us northerners (where all summer businesses go into hibernation after Labor Day), this is the weekend when all the cool places open up again.

Flag Day (Jun 14 - Sat) - The day to haul your flag out of your closet and put it on your house - or look like a jerk if you don't.

*Independence Day (Jul 4 - Fri) - Parades, picnics, beer, concerts and fireworks. Now that's a holiday!

*Labor Day
(Sep 1 - Mon) - Huh? This is one of those, "what exactly are we celebrating here?" kinds of holidays. Why don't they just call it what it is - the "Last Day of Summer" Day.

*Columbus Day (Oct 13 - Mon) - This of course has to be the dumbest "holiday" of them all. So remind me - why do federal employees get to have this day off again? And just how exactly are they supposed to be celebrating? Somehow I don't see our postal workers gathering around a shrine of ol' Chris and bowing in homage to him.

In fact, some people may argue that Columbus wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Here's a little blurb about Columbus I found on the internet - so, of course, it must be true:
  • Historically, Columbus was not the first to discover America, nor was he the first European to land at America. He was the first to exploit, kill, and enslave the Arawak Indians of Haiti. The myth of Christopher Columbus and the discovery of America is due to Washington Irving. His "biography" of Columbus was popularized in a dramatic and embellished account. In recent years, the holiday has been rejected by many people who view it as a celebration of conquest and genocide.
Ouch!

Halloween (Oct 31 - Fri) - Excellent reason for a holiday! Kids get to dress up, get tons of free candy and act goofy. Adults also have an excuse to head out to the bars for the night, drink tons of beer and act goofy.

Daylight Savings Time Ends (Nov 2 - 2am Sun) - Fall back!
The start of my favorite time of the year, you know, when it's dark when you wake up and dark when you get off work. Joy.


*Veterans Day (Nov 11 - Tue) - Hats off to all veterans. The odd thing about this holiday is that all federal employees get the day off even if they aren't veterans, while veterans who don't work for the government still have to punch in. Whose day is this again?

*Thanksgiving Day (Nov 27 - Thu) - Yum! I'm always thankful for a reason to stuff myself like a sausage, watch some football and fall into a coma on the couch. Too bad it only happens once a year.

Hanukkah (Dec 22-29 Mon-Mon) - The Festival of Lights.
A centuries old traditional Jewish holiday that somehow gracefully managed to escape the blight of commercialism.

*Christmas Day (Dec 25 - Thu) - This most sacred tradition is quickly being squashed by the secular whiny-babies. If this keeps up, what will we end up calling December 25 anyway? Holiday Day?
(Hallmark fun fact: An estimated 2.2 billion cards were sent for Christmas last year)

Kwanzaa (Dec 26-Jan 1 Fri-Thu) - Seven days to celebrate. Now THAT'S a party!

*Federal Holidays (aka days I don't get my mail)

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19 comments:

VE said...

Excellent recap Jeff. It would be ironic to send a card on Arbor Day wouldn't it. Imagine how many trees would have to be killed to do so.

But I'm way ahead of you here. Last year I posted that because I'm in a global company I've decided to celebrate every holiday that exists on Earth. With vacation time, I determined I'd only have to work 1 day a year (and then I'd call in sick on that day).

Gary said...

Now you see if you'd been sitting in the UK writing that piece it would have been about five lines long, eight days a year is what we get and we don't have very imaginative names for them, "Easter" is one, "Christmas" another "Bank Holidays" is for the rest.

This Government is suggesting that we might like another sometime soon but they can't decide when or what it will be called so they are letting breakfast tv viewers vote for it - so far this week we've had "Beatles Day", "Shakespeare Day", "Princess Diana Day" and "Armed Forces Day" - you may as well gold letter the invitation to terrorists to spoil that last one...

Sornie said...

I don't know how you roll but I am just leaving my Christmas tree up in preparation for Groundhog Day because it needs some added hype and style.

Anonymous said...

I was sure that Mothers Day came after Fathers Day! -- Bill

Whit said...

Um, I think you missed one. My birthday is March 8.

Heather said...

Hey, you're a handy guy to have around sometimes.

That St. Olaf day would be pretty terrible wouldn't it?

Jeff said...

ve - Yeah, I remember that post. It was hard to argue with your justification on that one.

gary - Too bad for you guys. We have more holidays than we know what to do with over here. Go ahead and take Columbus Day from us - we can spare it.

sornie - It's starting to look like I'm doing the same thing. Thanks for the reminder!

bill - Nice try. This time you don't have an excuse for missing it!

whit - If it means I get a day off from work I'll consider adding it.

heather - I heard St. Olaf was quite the partier. In fact, those horned helmets were the original lampshade on the head.

Mitch McDad said...

You forgot my favorite holiday--a Festivus for the rest of us.

Carla said...

Weren't you going to put all of our birthdays, anniversaries and blog-b-days on your calender AND send cards?

Mom Thumb said...

April 1, one year Jess put a rubber band around the nozzle sprayer thingy so when I turned on the faucet, water went everywhere. Then she taught that to Sebastian, and Lois and I spent half an hour trying to convince him why he should NOT do that to his mom.

Came home from vacation a couple of days ago and our Christmas stuff is still up. Think I'll just leave it and save myself some time next December.

Diesel said...

Dude, you totally forgot Inappropriate Card Day - Feb. 26.

Don't worry, I'll be posting about it soon.

Julie Pippert said...

I'm amazed all people have is a headache on new year's. I get malaise and all over ache. I thought it was just being MIDDLE-AGED (my husband is SO never going to live that down, NEVAH) but here you say only a headache. I've been robbed.

Also, where is MARDI GRAS? FAT TUESDAY? Also known as the massive party/carnival that we started this past Sunday???

You Scandinavians and your luetfiske. Or whatever.

You need some king cake and a hurricane (the drink, not the storm...we'll keep taking all of those for the team, okay?)

Hilarious commetnary.

Jeff said...

mitch - Good point. Do you know where I can find a good pole?

carla - I would, but someone already wrote that feature for Facebook. Oh well.

mom thumb - We left our tree up so long (it's still up) that we missed on both the free curb-side pick up AND the charity drop-off. Now what the hell are we supposed to do with it?

diesel - I remember that one, it was hysterical. I can't believe it hasn't caught on yet!

julie - Thanks. I'd like to post all the celebrations and various holidays but I had to draw the line somewhere, so I settled for most common holidays and most profitable Hallmark events.

Windyridge said...

Nicely done Jeff. The best description of these holidays that I've ever heard.
Re Columbus Day:from what I understand, Chris Columbus was not a very nice man at all.

deborah said...

jeff, I have an even stranger event coming up, weird calendar events. i'll keep you posted

Sam said...

Do Americans ever go to work?

Marie said...

I'm related to Washington Irving on my mom's side. But I'm also 1/4 Cherokee on my mom's side. Maybe that's why I'm always arguing with myself?

yellojkt said...

I was going to make an Arbor Day joke, but then I saw that you had it covered. My other two favorite holidays are Bastille Day (July 4) and Infamy Day (December 7).

neva said...

i always thought we were supposed to stick our heads in a sinko of mayo on May 5th. good for the skin and hair, and a lot less fattening.

i shudder to think what Hallmark will do once they hear about Innapropriate Card day. oy. ; )