Friday, January 18, 2008

No, really... it wasn't me!

So this morning I walk into the mens' room in our office building and BAM! - I hit a wall that stopped me dead in my tracks.

Not a physical wall of course, but an olfactory wall that said, "Whoa... the guy before you must have had some bad chili last night!"

I'm not kidding, it was horrendous - or as my dad is fond of saying, "...enough to gag a maggot!" But I really had to pee so I had no other choice than to hold my breath, do my business and get the hell out of there as fast as I could.

Except that while I was washing my hands another guy comes into the bathroom, stops dead in his tracks and looks right at me as if to say, "Dude. I mean come on. Seriously."

So here's the deal... what exactly are you supposed to do in this situation?

The way I see it is you have 3 options here:
1. Act like there's nothing wrong and go with the generic, "Hey, how's it going?" greeting.
2. Engage in a pathetic attempt to explain that it wasn't you.
3. Pull out your ballpoint pen and stab him in the heart until he's dead.

I don't know of any other options at this point, but I'd sure like to hear some -

because I'd hate to waste a perfectly good pen.

Something smells funny at Humor-Blogs.com

54 comments:

Heather said...

Tee hee!

See, now that's why I try to avoid using public restrooms if at all possible.

You'll get the blame no matter what you do.

Sooo, what was in that chili?

Anonymous said...

Mom said

Same thing happened to me once, and I was trying to get out of there in a hurry when the door opened. I just looked at the person and said--"It wasn't me" and ran out the door.

Kathy said...

Oh, this absolutely calls for the blame game. Something like "I think that dude I just passed on the way in here left his colon in the bowl. Watch out for that."

Mom Thumb said...

Carry one of those flashy thingies like on Men in Black, flash it before you leave and he won't remember you were in there.

Anonymous said...

Do not talk, because particles of what you smell are in the air, but do not waste a record breaker. Through your teeth say, "I did it", and walk out. - Bill

Elizabeth said...

Well, my classroom is across from the fourth grade bathroom. When a foul smell comes from the boys room not only are they NOT ashamed, they are totally proud of themselves. "Dude, you're going to need a gas mask, I just was in there for like 20 minutes!" Fourth grade boys are so charming!

Carla said...

You and you're poop stories...I guess just pretend you're in the 4th grade.

Phil said...

You could've said, "There's more where that came from!"

OR

"For the love of God, call a HazMat team before everyone in the building suffocates!"

OR

"I think that salesman ripped me off with this new cologne."

PG said...

you shoulda looked for a high five or belly bop! Whoda man? Ida man!

Julie Pippert said...

Oh see? I'd have walked to a restroom elsewhere or waited a bit.

But deny, just once, simply, or you will get the blame through not denying or overdenying.

LOL

Jeff said...

heather - I don't know what was in that chili, but I'm pretty sure it was rotten.

mom - Exactly why I named this post the way I did.

kathy - Good one. I'm going to need to remember that.

mom thumb - Yeah, but do have ANY idea how expensive those things are?

bill - So you're saying I should take credit for the work huh? That sounds like an approach you'd take.

elizabeth - If only we could all act like 4th graders.

carla - I've written so many poop stories I actually have a "poop" tag you can follow. Go ahead, it's fun!

phil - That's the spirit! Those are hilarious.

pg - I can see that we need to hang out some time. Put some Sam Adams on ice, I'm coming over to watch the Pats this weekend.

julie - Waiting wasn't an option, nor was there another bathroom available so you can see why I was trapped. My response was to simply keep washing my hands and slip out the door like nothing happened. Pretty lame.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

I work in a very small office, so not only do you know exactly who the perpetrator (poopertrator?) is, I get to HEAR the magic because my desk is four steps from the door.

John said...

You're probably not going to want to leave the pen in your victim (fingerprints, DNA, pesky stiff like that), so you will get it back if you just go with option 3. Although, unless your pen has a good hilt on it (rarely a given with pens), you'll probably just make a big ink stain on the guy's shirt as your hand slides down the pen.
Also, pen stabbing might be considered a tad aggressive in some social circles. Unless it's a cool pen, in which case you might earn marks for style.

Anonymous said...

Your story reminds me of our cheap salesman that trained himself to go poop each morning at work to save money. He sure taught me how to hold my breath for a long time!-Bill

VE said...

Just use the old Apocalypse Now line "God I love the smell of napalm in the morning"

Dan said...

It's a tough one, and I have no answers unfortunatly.

However I have noticed a disturbing facination with toilets on this blog of late.

Keep it up.

yellojkt said...

According to Miss Manners, bad smells just don't exist and any acknowledgement of their existence is poor form. So the guy that walked in and made the comment is in the wrong.

Jeff said...

shieldmaiden - I'll see that and raise you one more... I once worked in an office where the men's room vent came out into the office. No shit... er, I mean no kidding.

john - Good point. Maybe I'll just throw ink on whoever walks in next time and save myself that pesky life sentence.

bill - Man that's frugal. Talk about a tightass!

ve - This advice I'm receiving is priceless.

dan - You know it. It's my best stuff.

yello - Actually I only imagined him saying that to me. But he was still wrong for being there and embarrassing me.

neva said...

been there/done that. my line? "I know what you're thinking... but you're wrong."

what can you do? folks either believe you, or they don't. ; )

Windyridge said...

I'm with Kathy, deny deny deny.

Whit said...

Can you fart on cue? That would have been appropriate there.

Croyus said...

Try this. Turn and look at the man and whisper, "I don't care how much the boss saves. The new air freshner smells like crap!"

MamaWise said...

Option #2. "It wasn't me, I swear!" hehe. When at home my husband blames it on the kids LOL.

Doozie said...

you KNOW which one I would pick. But in order to avoid doing time in the bighouse, I would probably just say "it wasn't me" and move on with your life

DrowseyMonkey said...

LOL ... omg. But you can always buy a new pen.

lol @ gag a maggot...

Mushy said...

You could point or motion your head toward the stalls, but that might be construed weird too!

TZT said...

You sure have a lot of great advice here. I'm very pro-performance art. My vote would be for yelling "TA DA!" with a Vanna White wave, followed by a quick exit.

Here via Busy Dad's blog hop,
Tracy

pootandcubby said...

Ah, the good ol' olfactory nightmare of the public restroom. Sadly, I have no suggestions.

-andi

Karen MEG said...

That was hilarious...and my hubs would love you for that. A similar question came from him when I was asking him about a blogpost idea. Great minds thing alike, I suppose.
Don't you hate it when other people compromise the integrity of a public facility?
Blog Hopping in, see ya later...
--Pomtini

Darrin said...

Nothing you could say would convince him it wasn't you, so your only option would be to say something amusing. Something like "Better hold your breath, my beef is strong today"
Cheers!

Darrin, aka "Make Shift Sinatra" from the Weekend BlogHopper crew

cathouse teri said...

Stabbing is always the best option.

Hey, thanks for dropping by with the warm welcome! I'll be around. :)

cablegirl said...

Ok, that's wicked funny. I hate that situation... that and when the bowl won't flush and you get the same look from anyone who goes in after you. "Dude, it wasn't mean. I swear."

Hopping along...

piper of love said...

You are so funny!! I want to see your inner Cope come out :)

cardiogirl said...

Clearly #3 is your only option. Just bring an old pen with you.

Maureen said...

And this is why you need to invest in a tiny bottle of air freshener... either take it with you, or like our work does, keep it on the counter...

and yes, I would have attempted the pathetic "it wasn't me" out.

Chuck said...

Man, I don't know. In our office that is something to be proud of. ;)

4th graders prevail!

- Chas (blog hoppin')

OHmommy said...

Okay. Now that is funny. I can;t stop thinking about what I would do. Heehee!

Monica said...

Well, I hate to say it, but you should definitely say "not me dude." But, you might enjoy this... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-WVC2JsJ9o

And based on your comment=leavers, check out my previous post (Rocks In Your Underpants - Part Deux)

Thanks for the visit - always love the males' point of view. -slothage

secret agent mama said...

I would have plugged my nose with one hand, and used the other hand in a fanning motion with a quick point in the direction of the stall.. Well, considering I was done holding my penis, that is.

Meh, forget about what I would have done. I think number 3 is perfectly acceptable in this type of situation.

BTW: Pleasure to "meet" you. Come and find me on Cre8buzz now!

LunaNik said...

LMAO...that's so f'ing funny!!!

Thanks for stopping by my blog!

I see from your about me that you are a musician...so is my family. Notice I didn't say my family and I...yeah, the music gene skipped over me...not that I'm bitter or anything ;)

Sexy Housewife said...

Thanks for hoppin' by! I'd go with #1.

BTW, the Packers just LOST! YEAH!

Blog Hopper SHW

Nola (www.nolanotes.com) said...

Bwahahaha! That's when I travel to the floor below me. :)

C is really your only option. You can buy a new pen.

Todd said...

LOL.... "Dude...Did you just fart as you walked in...Ouch"

OR

Man you better watch out... That take out last night is killing me!!! Take Credit! Be Proud and Smile!

AMAM "A Man Among Mommies"

Sandy C. said...

LMAO! "enough to gag a maggot!"..oh I so need to borrow that :)

I totally would have blamed the chili explosion before you...

MadameMeow said...

Haha! That's happened to me a few times. I just walk on by like nothing was wrong. Mostly because I'm horribly embarrassed, because I know they think it was me, regardless of whether it was or not.

booklady said...

LOL! I've been in exactly that situation before. Good thing ladies' rooms have stalls. I hope the other woman doesn't see my shoes peeking out beneath the stall door, and wait until she goes into her own stall before I duck out in a hurry. That way even if she thinks it's mine, she won't know who I was.

See, now, the fact that he said something is another difference between men and women. Women would stay silent, but then they would tell their friends about it.

Cyberpunk said...

in this kind of situation, I don't think there's anything you can do or say to convince the person that it wasn't you :D

Mama Drama Jenny, the Bloggess said...

"It wasn't me."

(Even if it was.)

(Which it wouldn't be because ladies don't poop.)

(shut up.)

bon bon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bon bon said...

hey! i have a pin the says "girls don't poop" which makes it true.

jeff, you could have stood at the urinal until the next contestant arrived. if you could have tolerated standing there in that stench.

in this case, find comfort in the fact that the odor probably lingered long enough so that the guy following you was in just as deep, sixty seconds later.

and about that deleted comment? "it wasn't me."

G said...

I've wondered that very same thing! But as always, Mom offers good advice! Very funny.

wayabetty said...

OH MY GOODNESS!! That was so funny I was "tooting" so loud! Sure Jeff! Sure!

Sludgeboy said...

I would of simply "played the piper" and admitted to it (despite not really doing so) just to observe their response. "Yeah, I know, I had some mean chili last night, sorry!" (or the like(

Janna said...

This is why cheap ballpoint pens are available in ten-packs.

It's also a good reason for peeing in a co-worker's wastebasket.

If you're caught, just claim you couldn't see very well because of the pink glasses.