Sunday, February 10, 2008

Mr. Know-It-All

Ahh, it's finally time to get on with the serious business of being silly.
It's hard to believe that November was the last time Mr. Know-It-All was here. I must say I'm most impressed with the patience you've shown by waiting this long. You deserve better service than this my friends and I promise to bring Mr. KIA back sooner next time... provided he has more questions to answer that is.

That being said, let's get started with your questions, shall we?

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How come I have a gazillion Tupperware containers, but not one lid to them. Why can't those container companies come up with a container with the lid ATTACHED? Should I send that idea to them or come up with my own patent and make a gazillion dollars and retire rich?
- Waya

Dear Waya,
Believe it or not, you're not losing your lids... or your mind. The reason you can't find them is actually by design and until now, has been a closely guarded secret by the Tupperware corporation itself. What you, and the rest of the fresh-burping community don't know, is that the lids are actually made from a special chemical compound that dissolves into an undetectable pile of fine dust after approximately 6 months - but only inside a darkened cupboard. You think your lid has been misplaced when in actuality it has evaporated. This in turn leaves you with a useless Tupperware bowl that is impossible to cover with Saran Wrap or anything other than another Tupperware lid, which of course is not for sale independently.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
- Brandon

Dear Brandon,
If you had asked this question a year ago I might have been able to answer it. But last June, the UWU (United Woodchucker's Union) went on strike over issues of unfair chucking practices and held out for lower piece rate incentive targets, higher commissions and a more inclusive dental plan. Union and management are still miles apart on these issues and there is no foreseeable end to the strike in sight.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
My 15 year old daughter just started high school. Her new BFF (Best Friend Forever) is Crowe. Crowe, according to my daughter, is a lesbian hermaphrodite. Crowe was polite, well spoken and respectful when she visited my home. My question: What do I do now?
- One Tall Mamma

Dear Mamma,
I completely understand your concern. I too would be nervous if my daughter was hanging around with someone named Crowe (what kind of parents name their kid Crowe?) And I would be especially suspicious of any teenager who acts polite and respectful. This is completely unnatural and most likely a cover up of some seriously suspect behavior.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I saw birds sleeping while standing on a wire. Is that contrary to the law of gravity?
- Bill

Dear Bill,
No, I don't find it unusual that a bird can sleep while standing up. I sleep every week while sitting up in church and I don't fall over. What I do find unusual though is that you can sleep without sucking all the oxygen out of the room, you know, with the vacuum you create from your massive snoring.

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Just what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow, and could he carry a coconut if he gripped it by the husk?
- Love,

Dear Mooselet,
It's not a question of where he grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five ounce bird could not carry a one pound coconut. You have to know these things when your Mr. Know-It-All you know.

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Well then, it appears Mr. Know-It-All has answered all your questions - at least for now. Therefore, it's time to leave some new questions for next month.

What would YOU like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?

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p.s. Skip on over to Central Snark today to see what my good friend lil' g had to say about none other than lil' old ME!. Thanks lil' g - you're the best! knows everything about making you laugh!


Whit said...

I can't wait until the UWU strike is over. I'm tired of reruns and reality shows.

Memarie Lane said...

Ah, but if TWO unladen swallows were to grip it by the husk and share the burden between them...

Actually it's not the weight of the bird that matters, but it's strength. Otherwise by the same logic a bird's wings would have to weigh more than the rest of it to attain flight.

I think they actually do sell the lids separately.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Can a hermaphrodite actually be a lesbian, or homosexual for that matter?

Anonymous said...

Why do people who play there music loudly in cars so the entire street can hear them always have such bad taste in music?

Anonymous said...

It could be an African swallow... will someone please explain this joke to Crowe?

Heather said...

So, who DID shoot the deputy?

Elizabeth said...

Why do my dogs have to smell a dozen places before they finally go to the bathroom? What are they looking for and why are they so picky??

Maureen said...

Hahaha... well, thank you for all the knowledge I now possess, Mr. Know It All.

We should team up; me with Sherman and Mr. Peabody and the WABAC Machine, you with Mr. Know It All.

Who knows? We might have a show on our hands....


Mother Theresa said...

But why do I have a bunch of Tupperware lids that don't match any of the containers? Is it just that I'm wierd, or is there something else going on here?

Julie Pippert said...

I think you are SO right abou tthe Tupperware.

In fact, wise blogger Kyla observed as we shopped our way through Old Navy that this new layering trend of t-shirt sis brilliant: they charge the same amount for a thinner, cheaper tee, and you MUST buy two or risk a misdemeanor.

MYM said...

That tupperware thing make so much sense! Finally an answer I understand.

Gale said...

Mr Know-it-all,
What if the hokey pokey is what its all about? bonus question:
Where's Waldo?

Windyridge said...

The tupperware thing....and in fact most consumables, are products of planned obsolescence, so you have to throw stuff away (contributing to the pollution problem) and go buy more (contributing to the pollution problem and manufacturer's pockets).

Mooselet said...

Why does the rain fall from up above?

Anonymous said...

what is my name?
Do I have a boyfriend if so what is his name?

Anonymous said...

My friends and i read this over breakfast after a party. Mr. Know-It-All is our hero!

Some of us were wondering the same thing as Zoe's Dad and the other some were very confused.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I'm still kinda in love with my ex boyfriend and he has a new girlfriend. What do I do?

xDashofPanachex said...

why do people in my dorm go out into the hall for cell phone privacy? That seems a little backwards to me...