Wednesday, March 26, 2008

March Malaprops

"He is the very pineapple of politeness" -Mrs. Malaprop (from the play The Rivals - 1775)

You've heard them, you've laughed about them and now you need to share them.

I'm talking about those funny, twisted, mangled up things that people say when they're really trying to say something else. That's right - malapropisms.

The last two times we did this cracked me up. But now it's time to refuel the fire. What did your co-worker say the other day? What phrase does your mom always get wrong? What crazy thing did our President say now?

Oh wait, there's too many of those for one blog post. Sorry.

Anyway, I'll start...

The other day one of my co-workers was talking about how stupid Elliot Spitzer is when she claimed, "Yeah, well he's not the sharpest bulb in the drawer."

Then recently I heard a woman after church exclaim that she felt the homily was "a little strong winded." Hmmm, she may want to think about sitting in front of the deacon next time.

And last issue, Diesel shared that his
parents have a friend who used to "gouge himself" at banquets. I commented that I bet that got pretty messy.

So let's hear yours. Otherwise if I don't get enough to share for next time, I may have to continue to resort to the "go to" guy...

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." -G. W. Bush

Everything they say is funny at humor-blogs.com!

41 comments:

Heather said...

Wow, I'd avoid those banquets.

My daughter says things like that all the time...I can never seem to recall them when you ask for them though.

Karl said...

I was visiting my mom and grandmother one year for Christmas. One of my Grandma's friends was there, talking about a mutual friend of theirs in the hospital.

I asked why she was in the hospital and my Grandma's friend answered, "Oh, she had a vagina in her heart."

Now, my mother and sister are both nurses. I'm no stranger to the medical lingo, so I automatically corrected her in my head, knowing she meant to say "angina," not even thinking about it.

Until about five seconds later, when I realized just what she had said. "Man, I HATE when I get one of those in my heart."

The whole room burst out laughing. Guess I wasn't the only one who heard it.

Karen MEG said...

One that I can think of is some people call Alzheimer's "Old Timers". I've heard so many in my time, but can't think of them at the moment.

Groovy Mom said...

I worked with a guy who always mangled the English language. At one time we were keeping a list of his better ones. Let's see if I can remember one or two.

"It's a courteousey we provide."

He used to say "width and heighth" instead of height.

And one time when talking about building a car he said something along the lines of, "We provide a bouillabaisse of parts." The customer said, "Isn't that soup?" lol

Drowsey Monkey said...

I don't know if this counts, but a few years back when I worked in a large office, we were on break and this one guy...you know the one, the really annoying one, was going on about some church concert he was in, playing the piano. And how wonderful he was, etc. I had always thought of him as a dick...which must have been in my subconscious when I made my remark.

I planned to say, wow, you're quite the pianist. Of course that's a tricky word to say at the best of times, but in the lunch room, in front of a lot of people, I said ... "Wow, you're quite the penis."

Well, to be honest, he was.

Anonymous said...

My late father-in-law owned a nursery and employed a lot of guys with minimal education so malaprops were abundant. One of my favorites was the guy who always had to bring out the run-away bed when relatives were visiting.

Daniel said...

This is probably a bit of a stretch but....I worked in an office where an email was sent to all employees when there was a new-hire.

The person who sent them was enamoured with the phrase "so-and-so has assumed the position of..." and everyone else with minds firmly in the gutter imagined various sexual positions being assumed - much to the chagrin of the newly hired person.

leigh said...

one i heard most recently sticks in my head because the person that said it is supposedly a nurse! she was talking about a patient at the hospital she works at who had lapsed into a coma. he was comatoast, she said.

of course, alcohol was being consumed during this discussion so i was going to give her the benefit of the doubt...except she said it about 3 or 4 times.

Jeff said...

heather - Kids are great for these things.

karl - LOL! Well, that's one way to a woman's heart.

karen meg - It really should be renamed that. I mean, it is an old timer's disease after all.

groovy mom - I like the idea of using bouillabaisse as an adjective. "My blog is a bouillabaisse of nonsense!"

drowsey monkey - Uh-oh... these comments now have vagina AND penis in the same section. Bring it on Google!

anon - Hey, maybe that would help keep the visitors from staying too long.

daniel - Well, that is one way to get on top.

leigh - Comatoast... when you've passed out from eating too much.

Doozie said...

these are golden!

I worked at an ophthalmology surgical center, we gave plants to each patient the next day after surgery, a patient asked me what kind of plant it was (I worked at the front desk) and I replied "It's a Chlamidia". It was a "Kalanchoe". I think at least 5 co-workers fell on the floor dead from laughter.


ps...I turned my feed on just for you so strap on your feed bag

Mom Thumb said...

I was at a Board meeting yesterday. We were discussing eliminating our adoption program, since it's become quite onerous and there are other agencies that do it much better. Our Executive Director said, "I just think we should stop chasing a cat that is running out of lives." I thought that was amusing, although it does make sense!

Megan Kylee said...

My friend was telling me a story this morning that involved someone choking and needing the 'hemlock' maneuver.

VE said...

A coworker once messed up "share and share alike" by saying "sharing share alike" and we immediately translated it to "sharing Cher; I like' and proceeded to send her recordings of "I got you babe" until she cracked...

April said...

It took me a while to figure out that it was "for all intents and purposes" instead of what I was saying: "for all intensive purposes."

Many more, but too long or embarrassing to share!

Chris C said...

while it isn't someone anyone in real life said a favorite quote of mine is one of these from the classic movie Animal House...

"The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me."

Anonymous said...

When my dad was about to get remarried, he took my mom out to dinner to meet his fiance. My mom was quite nervous, and downed her first cocktail. When my father asked her if she'd like another, she accidentally said, "oh my, I must have a glass in my hole". Needless to say, it broke the ice.

Nancy in CT

Jeff said...

doozie - Uh yeah, you can keep your Chlamidia plant thank you.

mom thumb - Is that like beating a dead horse? I've never quite understood that one. Why you be beating a horse in the first place?

megan - One thing's for sure, providing a hemlock maneuver would definitely stop the choking.

ve - NO! Please tell me You DIDN'T just make me start singing "If I Could Turn Back Time" in my head. Gah!

april - I hear people say that all the time. But I suppose if the purposes were "intensive," it would make perfect sense.

chris - Animal House is the mother load of malapropisms. After all... was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell NO!

nancy - Too funny! "Oh my" is right.

Manic Mom said...

Gawd, could you BE any more BLATANT in your request to get blog love? I mean COME ON! I am sick of this self-blatant blog love stuff. I am DONE reading this... I'll just sign myself... hmmm... let's see... how about if I go anonymous... Oops, I accidentally forgot to not put my name on here!

LOL!

Jeff said...

manic mom - Now all I need is some kind of contest. Hmmm.... Hey wait, got any ideas? ;-)

cathouse teri said...

My roomie makes great martinis. She was in the process of making (our first) martinis for the night, and when she went to pour my drink, it spilled all over the place. She said, "Apparently, I'm pairing impoured!"

Then later, (no really, we weren't even close to drunk) we were going to go somewhere and she said, "We'd best go now before the next drink, cause I don't do drunken and drivin!"

We post these sayings on our board in the kitchen.

I actually really don't even notice them anymore. They just go through my brain filter.

Elizabeth said...

When I would point out some problem with my husband's plans he'd always said "Don't harsh my melon” I’d never heard this saying before, but he said it was because he's from the west coast. Then one day in a movie I heard the character say "Don't harsh my MELLOW” which makes much more sense. Sometimes my honey is such a dofus.

Marie said...

I just saw this on another blog and had to pop over: "a diamond in the rust."

Sarah said...

i was once trying to say that a friend of mine would be very/quite mad if i did something and because i was trying to say both words at once it came out as quitely. the friends that i was with don't let me forgot my word typo.


i guess this doesn't really fit but then again i have a habit of looking like a dork. lol

-Sarah

cathouse teri said...

My ex husband grew up around family who originated in Arkansas. He thought a flyswatter was called a flashwater. He was sixteen before he discovered he was saying it wrong.

I'm not kidding.

Kathy said...

Not exactly a malaprop, but I'm forever saying "I have to get car in my gas." Problem is you say it wrong once and it sticks forever.

I'm off to breakfast my eat.

Julie Pippert said...

I can't possibly outdo "gouging" at a banquet.

I still think the funniest thing I ever heard was at my previous publishing house when the receptionist called over the loudspeaker for all editors to conjugate in the lobby.

Oh you just know we LOVED that.

Jeff said...

Teri - That board in your kitchen sounds like something we need to see a picture of!

elizabeth - LOL! I'm afraid I like that one so much I may have to start using it myself.

marie - No, you "have" to pop over no matter what. ;-)

sarah - Haha. You can't even imagine how many things my friends don't let me forget.

teri - I can see that. Say it with a southern accent and you get the same thing. btw, sorry about the comment edit... but I had no choice. You naughty naughty girl! (tsk tsk) ;-)

kathy - Yeah, but do people say "borrow me 5 bucks" in your neck of the woods? Cause it's common language around here.

julie - I can imagine. You editor types are funny funny people. :-)

maggie said...

A woman in one of my groups wrote that it was cold, but felt even colder because of the windshield factor.

VE said...

Damn you for putting that "Turn back Time" into MY head...

rick said...

Bill would always refer to the "Exocet missile" as the "Exorcist missile". That must be what they use to blow the hell out of someone.

Sornie said...

Somewhat related was my nephew Sunday night telling me what he wanted for supper: grapes, hot dogs and thomas the tank engine. I told him that trains are not good for teeth.

andi said...

Oh, these are just too good. I must remember to bring a poncho to my next banquet. No one likes to get blood all over their fancy dinner outfit.

Anonymous said...

My daughter who is now almost 8 always gets one phrase wrong. It's the combination of two different ones. Okey dokey Ardichokee and Okey dokey smokey. She combines them to "Okey Dokey Radismokee"

Started when she was little and it stuck, she still gets it wrong.

Jeff said...

maggie - In a way that makes sense. Can you imagine how cold a windshield actually gets?

ve - Damn you right back for re-reminding me about it! I was completely Cher-free until now.

rick - Heh, good one.

sornie - Funny. And no little kid should be breathing in all that 2nd hand coal smoke either.

andi - Kind of like going to a more violent Gallagher show huh?

anon - Oops... what does it say about me that I've never heard the phrase "Okey dokey Ardichokee"? Either way, I kind of like the Radismokee one :-)

Ed said...

Once my ex-wife was giving directions to a friend and got them terribly lost. When they finally arrived at our house, she told them "I never was any good at geometry."

Windyridge said...

The "Go To Guy". Perfect! He will never let you down in that department.

soapbox mom said...

What a great post! Just what I needed on a gloomy Friday afternoon.

Here's one that made me chuckle:

"That rings a vague bell."

But I'm with the others -- nothing can top the gouging at the banquet.

Yikes!

dKaye.com said...

oh the pressure to deliver on demand ... i don't think i can live up to it. but i'll try ...

nope. i got nothin. maybe next time.

Senora Patron
bloghoppin' and sippin' on a Friday nite cuz my life is just THAT exciting. ☺

Michelle said...

While driving with some friends a few years ago, we were singing along to the radio. All of a sudden, we got really quiet after one of my friends loudly sang a line: "... there's an old man sitting next to me, making love til his stomach caves in..." I still can't hear that song without snickering.

Julia said...

Well, I think you have about enough for a book, but here's one more: my college roommate used to say things had reached "astrological proportions."

JD at I Do Things

Amy said...

"I'm trying to wonder." Indeed.