At our house, "the last one in is a rotten egg" is more than just an old saying. It literally means that if you don't hurry and get your ass out of bed in the morning, you're going to end up smelling like rotten eggs.
This is because we have 5 people who all need to shower in the morning. And if you're not one of the first 2 1/2 people to get one, you're gonna get a cold one. It's a simple matter of mathematics. Just check my chalkboard on the right.
Like it says, if 5 people evenly divided the 40 gallons of water, each person would get 3.2 minutes of hot water goodness. But what happens when your first kid alone uses up 10 of the 16 available minutes just by himself? That's right, just 6 minutes for everyone else.
And don't bother reminding me that there's really more water than the 40 gallons in the hot water tank because your shower always has some cold water mixed in with it. I know that. But somehow my kids have figured out how to use nothing but the hot water when they shower. Don't ask me how. I have no idea, but they do.
So all that being said, where does that leave the last one in the shower in the morning? Or more accurately, me?
With a routine I have down to science.
And because I'm all about the sharing... here to help you if you ever find yourself in this situation are my 12 easy steps to taking a cold shower:
- Get everything in the shower ready... the shampoo opened, the soap in the holder and the towel over the curtain rod.
- Turn only the hot water on as far is it will go in a desperate attempt to extract any remaining heat from the pipes.
- Pull the knob to start the shower.
- Before the water comes out of the shower head, run to the back of the bathtub as far away from the icy pelts as you can get.
- While the water is streaming to the floor in front of you, quickly dip your head in and out of the water, only getting it as wet as necessary to apply the shampoo. Try to remind yourself that in the summertime this would feel good.
- Move away from the water and lather your head.
- Hold your breath, lean forward into the frozen stream, scrub the shampoo out of your hair and back away as quickly as possible. I've been known to accomplish this is less than 5 seconds.
- Lift up your arms and in one continuous back and forth motion, rotate your right and left armpits though the liquid nitrogen. Step back.
- Focus the shower head toward your crotch, moisten the front and spin around to wet the rear.
- Lather as per this picture of me.
- Repeat steps 8 and 9 to rinse.
- Get the hell out of there and blast yourself with your hair dryer on high until you burn all the hair off your body.
Don't laugh... I'm not actually making this up.
Ok, I admit to some slight doctoring of the photo (you know, like adding the soap bubbles), but I literally did this twelve step shower dance this morning.
But guess who's getting up first tomorrow?