Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Shower the people

At our house, "the last one in is a rotten egg" is more than just an old saying. It literally means that if you don't hurry and get your ass out of bed in the morning, you're going to end up smelling like rotten eggs.

This is because we have 5 people who all need to shower in the morning. And if you're not one of the first 2 1/2 people to get one, you're gonna get a cold one. It's a simple matter of mathematics. Just check my chalkboard on the right.

Like it says, if 5 people evenly divided the 40 gallons of water, each person would get 3.2 minutes of hot water goodness. But what happens when your first kid alone uses up 10 of the 16 available minutes just by himself? That's right, just 6 minutes for everyone else.

And don't bother reminding me that there's really more water than the 40 gallons in the hot water tank because your shower always has some cold water mixed in with it. I know that. But somehow my kids have figured out how to use nothing but the hot water when they shower. Don't ask me how. I have no idea, but they do.

So all that being said, where does that leave the last one in the shower in the morning? Or more accurately, me?

With a routine I have down to science.

And because I'm all about the sharing... here to help you if you ever find yourself in this situation are my 12 easy steps to taking a cold shower:

  1. Get everything in the shower ready... the shampoo opened, the soap in the holder and the towel over the curtain rod.
  2. Turn only the hot water on as far is it will go in a desperate attempt to extract any remaining heat from the pipes.
  3. Pull the knob to start the shower.
  4. Before the water comes out of the shower head, run to the back of the bathtub as far away from the icy pelts as you can get.
  5. While the water is streaming to the floor in front of you, quickly dip your head in and out of the water, only getting it as wet as necessary to apply the shampoo. Try to remind yourself that in the summertime this would feel good.
  6. Move away from the water and lather your head.
  7. Hold your breath, lean forward into the frozen stream, scrub the shampoo out of your hair and back away as quickly as possible. I've been known to accomplish this is less than 5 seconds.
  8. Lift up your arms and in one continuous back and forth motion, rotate your right and left armpits though the liquid nitrogen. Step back.
  9. Focus the shower head toward your crotch, moisten the front and spin around to wet the rear.
  10. Lather as per this picture of me.
  11. Repeat steps 8 and 9 to rinse.
  12. Get the hell out of there and blast yourself with your hair dryer on high until you burn all the hair off your body.
Total elapsed shower time: 45 seconds.

Don't laugh... I'm not actually making this up.

Ok, I admit to some slight doctoring of the photo (you know, like adding the soap bubbles), but I literally did this twelve step shower dance this morning.

But guess who's getting up first tomorrow?

The water is cold, but the humor is hot at!


yoo hoo said...

We haven't ran out of hot water since we installed a tankless water heater, it heats as you need it. But that would make for boring blog posts huh.

Bee said...

Umm... I think we met a few days ago, right? I'm really not comfortable picturing you naked yet. Maybe next year.

The bubbles helped.

Mooselet said...

I think the picture of you on my blog was better. There were no soap bubbles.

The reason it takes only 45 seconds is that it doesn't take long to shampoo a dozen hairs. Hey, don't throw that at me!

Here's a better solution - move to Charleville, Queensland where the water is drawn directly from the Great Artesian Basin and comes out of the ground at roughly 140 degrees Fahrenheit. Why there was a hot water tap installed I'll never know. I had to use your method in order not to be scalded when were there on holidays.

Steve Novoselac said...

you need another hot water heater. Or just start boiling water like the old days..

Steve said...

Yikes, that pic is disturbing to see first thing in the morning.

Ed said...

I seemed to have missed a few stops from your routine:

a. Put on girly thong
b. Have picture taken

I'm all about the details!!

Mom Thumb said...

I would ask some members of the family to shower in the evening before bed. But seriously, I think you could cut at least 4 seconds off that routine with the hair washing.

Heather said...

Owww. My eyes!

Didn't really need the visual of you in the shower Jeff...

Maureen said...

LOL!!!! I only have 1 daughter and a husband to fight over the hot water for... and I still lose.

I have taken to the habit of showering at night. I'll let them duke it out in the mornings.

It's my only solution to the icy wakeup call I used to have.

Oh, and the picture of yourself??? I have a sneaky suspicion you doctored it more than you're letting on.... just a hunch.

Anonymous said...

My plan is for going tankless,and adding a tempering tank to bring the water supply up to room temperature. The natural gas saving should pay for the change, like it did my high efficiency furnace.

wayabetty said...

OMG! I'm in tears looking at that picture of, Hans and Fran, I mean you Jeff!

I'm going to have an image of YOU when I tell my hubbie to "take a cold shower" from now on. Eeewwww. Sorry Jeff! ;-)

April said...

That was hysterical, Jeff! And the pic was priceless.

Sornie said...

I, too, have done the ice-pelt shower dance after the wife's incessant 15-20 minute showers. I don't get it. I can get mine done in about 3:12.

deborah said...

thanks for the visual.

OORRRRRR.. make him shower at night. it can happen. that's when I make my girls shower. it makes for much softer hair.

Anonymous said...

I just got into town. Sorry I missed out on your last blog. With all those new muscles, I assume you have been going to the gym. Why don't you just shower there?

Kathy said...

Hysterical, Jeff! You need to make that your blog picture, your social networking icon, etc. You could also do a calendar series or greeting cards. Oh wait, better yet, one of those desktop daily calendars: "365 Days of Jeff". Yeah, that's what I want.

Tracy Rambles On And On said...

I can tell through the bubbles that you are H.O.T. ;)
This is me every morning in our house. I'm always the last one in. Good luck on being first tomorrow!

Memarie Lane said...

Now can you post a tutorial telling me how I can get my husband to shower on a daily basis? Or at least use cologne?

Anonymous said...

See steroids DO work!!

Go Winstrol!!

Gen said...


This is why I'm glad we homeschool. There are six of us, and my two teenagers seems to be allergic to bathing. I have to beg them to shower. If they were in school there would be peer pressure to be, um, clean and stuff and not stink. ;-)

Anonymous said...

You should get up extra early and take a bath. That would show the lot of them.

On another note, this will be one of theose things that your kids tell their grandchildren "When i was little we didn't even have enough hot water for us all to take a shower"

Sandy said...

Dude, I am now certain that you and my husband were separated at birth.

Anonymous said...

wow....the suffering! and to think only those 3 area's get you have smelly feet? the comment about the 12 hairs was pretty funny up above me.

use baby wipes. go roll around out in a sand pile. turn the freakin knob off when the 10 minuter is in there and freeze their patootie right out. that would make for some good blog fodder.

Julie Pippert said...


You are handy...go tankless, or install the Roman system on the roof for pipes and solar heating. Oh, wait, would that even work up there? ;)

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

You guys are too funny.

I was gone for a few days on business, so I haven't had a chance to reply. A couple of things...

mooselet - Always with the hair with you. And then on the picture you posted I have too much. I can't win!

ve - Good point. And thanks for taking the picture.

maureen - Yes you're right... I also brightened it a bit.

rick - No, I haven't been going to the gym, I just bought Suzanne Somer's new BodyRow!

tracy - Technically I wasn't hot under those bubbles, I was freezing my kahonas off. It's a good thing women don't know about shrinkage.

sandy - Tell me more. Just what part of my genius does he reflect?

doozie - I don't know about my feet. I never smell them.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about going to a tankless heater for this very reason. Although you do provide excellent tips on a cold shower method.

Mother Theresa said...

That's why my kids shower before going to bed, and I shower in the morning. :)

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, this would not work for me. Not only do I have 45 pounds of hair, but I love a looooong, hot shower. I'd rather go without and smell like a rotten egg than have to endure your admittedly efficient 12-step routine, complete with eyeball-scarring visuals.

JD at I Do Things

cathouse teri said...

I'm sorry. I had to laugh. :)

Windyridge said...

We have the 3.5 sec shower enforced not because of hot water running out (we have it on demand) but because of the price of oil! You're lucky. It's very difficult for me to shout "GET OUT!" to my kids every day.

I take my shower when noone is home. Teehehe

Anonymous said...

"It takes many good deeds to make a reputation, but only one bad one to ruin it forever". You just got a free ride.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to put the above remark in the sleep driving blog.

Unknown said...

We used to run out of hot water all the time when I was a summer camp counselor, but I think I've probably gone soft since those days.

Dee said...

Dee you are lucky you just ran out of coldwater, try having a bath from a bowl of water. We have had so many hurricanes we have got that one down to a science and no can't send any pics with so little water the soap doesn't generate enough bubbles.