Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Axe gone wild

God help any of you who have teenage boys... who have discovered Axe body spray.

It starts innocently enough when they're about 14 or so. Your son walks by you on the way out the door and you smell it - a sweet scent you haven't smelled before - kinda nice actually. You smile because your son is growing up and he seems to be concerned about his personal hygiene.

But then before you know it, something goes horribly wrong.

A few weeks later he walks by again and you wince. Instead of the soft faint "hint" of a pleasant cologne, it now appears that he has figured out how to install an Axe dispenser directly into the shower water line.

Um, yeah... was there some kind of Axe malfunction this morning son? Because right now all the hair in my nose has been burned clean and the lenses on my eyeballs have melted. I'm just saying... you might want to check the nozzle on that can.

But here's what really did me in...

A few months ago I took my son and 4 of his friends down to an indoor skate park about an hour away. While they were doing their thing I went shopping in the nearby town and returned 3 hours later to pick them up. When they got into the car, I immediately started coughing.

What the?.... Oh God, please no... Not all FIVE of you!

Apparently, after skating hard and sweating for 3 hours the boys started to stink. And what do you do when you smell rank? Why you douse yourself in Axe, that's what!

So now I'm trapped in a car in the middle of winter, full of pubescent teenage boys wreaking of b.o. and Axe, that smells like someone threw a perfume grenade into a locker room.

I don't care if it IS 10 below outside boys... these windows be goin down!

And that's how we rode home. I didn't like it and the boys didn't like it either - but I didn't really have much choice...

it's impossible to drive when your eyeballs have melted.

* * * * *

Wanna smell something funny? Squirt this.

42 comments:

Heather said...

I think when I was in junior high it was Drakkar Noir or Polo.

cathouse teri said...

Sweetie, if you can figure out how to make peoples not wear too much smelly stuff, then I believe you could become a billionaire! There are women who are so over-fumed that, when they sit at a table next to me at a restaurant, it ruins my entire meal!

Uggggghhhhh!

We need to teach out children that those smells are NOT NICE!

Honestly, you would certainly say something if they got into the car smoking cigarettes and inflicting THAT on you, right?

cathouse teri said...

*our

(You probably knew that.)

Sandy said...

I SO remember that age. My brother used to soak in a tub of Old Spice before heading to school each day. To this day, I smirk when I see it on the shelves at Target.

Jeff said...

heather - That's funny, I was wearing Polo during the 80s myself, but I was in my 20s.

teri - I hear ya. I've been trapped in more than one situation where I've been gasping for air.

sandy - Oh great, now you got me whistling that Old Spice song.

Gette said...

My teenage GIRL wears Axe. No Love's Baby Soft in this house (yet...she has two sisters coming up. Or maybe her little brother will show us his feminin... nonononono that's WRONG!!!)

But I still think its better than Brut.
*Shudder*

VE said...

Damn you for making me choke on my Pepsi from laughter. That was just too funny. Good one. I'm taking notes too...I still have 3 years to go for my son.

Anonymous said...

I overheard one fellow tell his friend not to sit close to him with his "smell" for fear his wife would think he had been to a place of prostituition. The other fellow responded, "My wife would not know what a place like that smells like"!!!.

Karen MEG said...

OMG, that is funny! My little guy's uncle gave him a small bottle of Axe last summer (my guy is just turning 8 in a couple of weeks!). I tell you, just a couple of sprays and yikes! I'm glad he's not a teenager yet! I managed to hide it before it did further damage!

what's a donzer said...

I can so relate. I used to be a high school teacher, and I seriously kept a bag behind by desk to dry heave in sometimes.

Mrs. R said...

LOL! Great post! In my day, Old Spice was usually the culprit.

The Holmes said...

Well, it looks like Axe's marketing campaign is working pretty well.

Jeff said...

gette - Whoa, totally forgot about Brut. I used to have Brut soap on a rope when I was a teen. Mmmm.

ve - Don't worry. You'll get your nosefull in due time.

anon - Ha... good one!

karen - Good strategy. Hopefully he'll never miss it.

donzer - I can't even imagine what high school smells like these days. Now I'm wondering why they don't have a "no scent" policy in place. Everyone else does.

mrs. r - Not you too! I just got the song from Sandy's reference out of my head. Thanks a lot!

holmes - WAY too well. It's like the only thing those kids wear anymore.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh I know what you mean! In high school it was Polo. To this day my stomach turns. My best friend and her younger brother (a year younger) shared a Jack-n-Jill bathroom and one time during high school I was over, in her room, and he opened the two doors and this Polo CLOUD wafted out.

I'm pretty sure it was solid, nearly, and in the shape of Ralph Lauren's head. Or maybe a pony. I don't know. I think I lost consciousness for a brief period.

He was a nice guy otherwise and I'm sure he thanks me to this day for my dramatic expression of his overapplication of scent. (Hmm, good question, shall have to ask LOL.)

Jeff said...

julie - Ok, now you've forced me to play my hand. One time in the 80s I was performing in your little ol' town of Houston at the Adam's Mark hotel. I myself was doused in Polo and while I was standing at the bar waiting for a drink, a good ol' boy ambled up aside me and let out a big ol'... "What the hell? It smells like a g*ddamn french poodle around here!"

Needless to say I slithered away quickly and quietly.

Julia said...

Aaarrggh! Thanks for making me waste 5 minutes of my life looking for the funniest-ever Axe commercial on YouTube.

Oh! I just found it! Here:

http://www.adhaiku.com/2003pg1.htm

It's the second "Axe" ad, but they're both funny.

OK, now I owe you a sincere thanks for forcing me to look for this damn commercial.

Your son sounds adorable.

JD at I Do Things

Ed said...

I have felt this way many times. Is there a rule that if you use AXE you don't have to bathe? I think guys just keep adding the spray. At least with colognes, the scent fades after a while. WIth this stuff, it seem to get stronger the more they wear it.

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ...

Times like that I'm glad my nose doesn't work anymore.

Maureen said...

Haha... so I guess those commercials where the beautiful models all throw themselves at the guy wearing Axe really works, eh?

Michelle said...

If it makes you feel any better, it isn't just teenage boys. My husband uses that ... stuff. God help me when I have to go into the bathroom to get ready too soon after he's showered. Sometimes it even wakes me up from a deep sleep.

And he's 38, not 18. *sigh*

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I have had sinus trouble my entire life and can not smell a thing, honest. For that reason I refuse to wear colognes or sprays for fear of using too much.

That had to be a long ride home.

The Super Bongo said...

oh dear . . . you have just explained what that waiter did the other day . . . when he came to our table mid meal . . . my nose fell right off, all my southern charm escaped me . . . and I was really rather brutal in my response.

and, in case you didn't see my response to your comment . . . I "hear" that locally one could have a "field bump" for the low, low price of a pint of boozy drink. This is just the word on the street . . . I, personally, wouldn't know. Really.

Bee Repartee said...

What is that smell ~checking shoes~ is someone wearing...Stetson?

Eyeball melting is not a good sign of things to come.

I was sure Eternity was going to make me sterile in my 20s.

Mom Thumb said...

A pox on the Axe. I think it's a two-fer for teenage boys - a chick magnet and a parent repellant.

Carla said...

During my high school years the female version was "Skinny Dip". In college it was "Babe" and no it didn't smell like a pig.

pssst don't tell, but Mitch uses Axe, but only because he has a fistful of free coupons. Need some?

Jeff said...

julia - Their are actually a lot of funny Axe commercials out there. But have you seen this
one? It's just weird.

ed - I guess some people just don't seem to get the idea of subtlety.

drowsey monkey - That's too bad. How long has your nose been unemployed?

maureen - If you mean "really works" by making it appealing to teenage boys, then yes, you're right.

michelle - Yeah, but he's probably a kid at heart. :-)

ed (zoesdad) - Bummer that you can't smell. That must take the fun out of eating huh?

super bongo - Really, a stinky waiter? Yuk! Of all places, restaurants should be the first place to have a scent-free policy.

bee repartee - Too funny. I forgot about Eternity.

mom thumb - I'll give you the parent repellent one, but is it REALLY a chick magnet? I'd like to hear from some chicks on that one.

carla - Sure, send them my way - so I can burn them... in my son's bathroom... after he uses his Axe.

G said...

Oof, thanks for the warning. I am particularly scent-sitive so I might prefer the au natural skate park scent. Well, maybe not.

Theresa said...

Girls do something similar with perfumes and colognes, but they usually start younger. Do you have any idea how stinky Barbie cologne is?

Here's a funny Axe commercial.

Dan said...

This is why i never bath, for the sake of everyone else. I'm such a humanitarian.

Christine said...

*Choking with laughter!* :)

I used to be a college prof. The cologne pollution was so strong in every hallway and classroom that it often brought tears to my eyes. When I went home at the end of the day, I had to shower immediately just to get the melange of "Eau de Student" off of myself.

And then I had to grade their papers, and the smell would assault me AGAIN. It was the stink that wouldn't die.

If anyone in the USA currently under the age of 25 still has working olfactory senses by the time they are 30, I would be shocked. ;)

(Thanks for the great post. It made me laugh out loud!)

Jeff said...

g - That's a tough call. Au natural ain't no picnic either... but BOTH at one time is about as bad as it gets.

theresa - Thankfully I've never smelled Barbie cologne. I'd be interested in hearing you describe what it smells like. Loved the video :-)

dan - Always thinking of the other guy eh? You have a heart of gold Dan.

christine - You're welcome. Thank you for saying so!

Julia said...

Regarding that horrifying chocolate Axe man commercial: I was really cringing when the women were holding up their cups. Thanks for the nightmares!

JD at I Do Things

Anonymous said...

Me and my friends use them for stink bombs/ torches. Very good stink bombs, fives squirts leaves the smell in the air for 3 hours or so

Marie said...

I've never had an Axe encounter, but I've heard the stories. I almost wish mu husband would use it, if he's not at least willing to bathe more often.

Doozie said...

same thing happened to me but my toenails and buttcheeks rebelled against it

Whit said...

We used to do that too, but we were trying to hide the smell of something else.

Groovy Mom said...

I think I'd rather smell that. My 17 yr old son still doesn't care much what he smells like, and when I mention that he stinks he just laughs and waves his armpits at me. :-P

Jeff said...

julia - Really, what's up with that commercial? First of all, it's just creepy, and secondly - do you really want to smell like chocolate?

anon - And the memory burned into my brain forever. *shiver*

marie - Well, I guess now you know what to get him for his b-day. Just make sure you include instructions on how to use sparingly.

doozie - So has the boy found out about it yet? You'll get yours!

whit - And you just told your mom that the cologne made your eyes red?

groovy mom - I'd like to see that. How exactly do you wave an armpit?

Groovy Mom said...

Well, he flaps his arms like a chicken creating a bellows effect which pushes air into the armpits and back out to my nose. P.U.

Windyridge said...

Jeff this is SOOOOOO funny because we went through the same thing for about a YEAR! What a smell! And why do they have to spray a ton of it on? BUT we found a solution. I went to my favorite store (NOT) and bought a cologne that I liked. It was cheap enough and smells great and it's called Nitro. Check it out and see if you can wean them onto it if they like it and you and your wife like it. Of course if there is a girlfriend, she will have to sign off on it as well. Axe must have a great marketing department!

Jon D (Graco) said...

OMG! I've got that affliction right now...a 13 year old with Axe bodywash AND deodorant...and it's that blazing Kilo scent you have in the photo!
The boys in Junior High now apparently take deodorant and cologne to school in their packpacks to "freshen up" during the day. Bunch of dad's I talked to at church had similarly melted eyeballs.
Plus, my college roomate used to bathe in Brut...my sinuses are shot, eyeballs are melted...what next?

Corrina said...

Have mercy- I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard! Ya know... Some grown men do that too, and it's just as fabulous! Ha ha