Monday, April 28, 2008

The side effects of watching J-Lo

So my wife and I were flipping channels last Saturday night in a rare evening of nothing-to-do-ness, when we stumbled on Jennifer Lopez's movie Enough and got sucked in hook, line and sinker.

Sure it was far-fetched and predictable, but every now and then it's fun to just suspend reality and watch a good old fashioned "good guy wins" kind of movie.

That one ended at midnight, but before we could unwrap ourselves from our blanket and head to bed, Selena came right on and piqued Charli's curiosity. Apparently we were victims of a J-Lo marathon movie night. I'm pretty sure there are laws against things like that. I'm consulting a lawyer today.

Anyway, before we could escape, Charli pulled the blanket up to her chin and snuggled back in.

Charli: Ooh, I've always wanted to see this movie!
Me: Are you serious? It's 12:00. We can't stay up this late! Besides, I know how it ends... she gets shot and dies.
Charli: So what. What else do you have to do tonight?
Me: ?

Anyway, I figured a 90-minute flick... I'd be in bed by 1:30. Except that I forgot to factor in the commercials, which run every 8 minutes for 5 minutes - which if you do the math adds an extra 56.25 minutes to the total viewing time of the movie thus putting us at somewhere around 2:30. The only things that should be up at that hour are owls and couples on first dates.

But at least if I had to watch hours of commercials, I was lucky enough to have been subjected to this product for acid reflux.

Not fortunate because this product can help with a problem I have, but fortunate because of the way it's pronounced. Here's how it sounds:

If your doctor tells you it's acid reflux disease, ask if ASS EFFECTS is right for you.
Seriously? NO ONE in the product development or marketing departments caught this? To me this sounds like an awesome practical joke gone too far. I can hear the pitch in the board room by the smart-assed sales guy now.

Sales guy: Yes, the product is ready for market. I propose we call it Aci...(snort). Ahem, Aci...(snort). I'm sorry... Aci-phex (splurt chuckle chuckle).

President: And what is so funny about Aci-phex? I think it's perfect!

Sales guy: No, I wasn't laughing about the name. I was laughing at how much money we're going to make with this fantastic new product. I'm just giddy with excitement!

President: Very well then, let's do it!

Sales guy: You got it boss!

Get the right effect from your acid reflux medicine!

* * * * * has the effect of making you laugh your ass off!


Maureen said...

AssEffects.... that's rich!

I guess you WERE subliminally (man, that's probably spelled wrong, but whatev...) thinking about J-Lo alright!

People in the Sun said...

What's a J-Lo marathon without The Wedding Planner?! It's like a Drew Barrymore marathon without Never Been Kissed, or a Marlon Brando without Superman.

Mother Theresa said...

Well, you have to admit it's the perfect ad for a J-Lo marathon.

Heather said...

I've seen that same commercial and thought that same thing. I immediately thought I should blog about it, then I forgot. Darn pregnancy brain.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who pays just a little too much attention to commercials. Or maybe it's not enough attention.

Doozie said...

so french kissing horses is illegal but that still happens

damon said...

J-lo and ass effects will give you heartburn, no matter how late it is.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

maureen - I was considering making the ass connection in this post, but I figured someone would do it for me in the comments. I just didn't think it would be the FIRST comment!

people - That movie probably was in the lineup. I was fortunate to have been able to get out after only 2 flicks. Phew!

theresa - It was hard to ignore the J-Lo ass effect during Selena. They didn't exactly try to hide it with her outfits.

heather - If not for blogging, how else would these things come out?

doozie - Um... I'll take your word for it.

damon - That's why you should take Aciphex while watching J-Lo movies.

Sornie said...

Dammit, you ruined a fine J-Lo movie for me. Or not. I think she sucks.

Avitable said...

I'll have to keep my eyes open for that commercial. That's hilarious.

Gen said...

Hey, we had a movie night last night too! We started ours at 6:00 PM, though, so hubby could be in bed by 10. :-P

Ass effects! LOL! I can hear my 17 year old composing a spoof as I speak.

cathouse teri said...

I love the movie ENOUGH! She just totally f...... er... um... firks that guy up!

And she's good in that movie with Bob Redford (I call him Bob cause I'm from Utah. It's called... um... well, anyway ~ it's good. Her role is similar, but not quite so violent. Morgan Freeman is superb in it. Of course I think he's the sexiest man alive. I would break my rule of never marrying again if he would marry me. No sh... er... shirp.

Ass effects! Love it!
I don't watch commercials, but now I will probably try to catch that one!

Maybe Dr. Evil is the CEO of that company?

Ed said...

AssEffects. That's classic, Jeff! "Ask your proctologist if Ass Effects are right for you..." ha ha ha

Seals said...

We got stuck like that the other night watching "Into the Blue," starring Jessica Alba's AssEffects in a bikini.

The movie and the ass were both much better than I remembered.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

sornie - Now you don't have watch it for another reason!

avitable - Believe it or not, I only saw it once during the 5 hours I was held hostage by J-Lo. On the other hand, I think they showed that stupid Denny's Grand Slam commercial (the one where he pulls the Ultimate Breakfast sign down with his truck) EVERY single commercial break. And I'm not exaggerating.

groovy mom - It wouldn't be hard. If I didn't know I was watching regular TV programming, I would have thought it was an SNL spoof for sure.

teri - I could totally see how women who have had jerky ex-husbands/boyfriends could identify with that movie. She did play a pretty kickass character.

ve - I kept thinking that piece was something you would have come up with. I hope you don't have your style copyrighted.

ajooja - Note to self... must rent Into The Blue.
I've heard tales of J.A.'s tail in that movie.

Anonymous said...

Don't tell anybody but I ended up watching a J-Lo movie marathon. They say you learn something new everyday but I didn't learn anything new on Saturday.

April said...

Oh, this is perfect. You blogged about what I imagine was the most entertaining thing to come out of a JLo marathan. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Oh, I bet they knew what they were doing. Pharmaceutical companies hire nomenclature consultants to name drugs - they're geniuses - kinda like those disney graphic artists who sneak in underwater sea castles that resemble penises.

BTW, that was a funny post :)

eyes_only4him said...

I hate movies,always have...and J.Lo doesnt thrill me..haha

Funny AssEffects...

come 4 my birthday blow this weekend..haha

Michelle said...

Jeff, I do believe you have a future in product development and marketing. Of course reading the logo, I kept seeing Acip Hex and thinking that was a horrible name. But maybe it's a little better than asseffects.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

anon - Sure you did... you learned not to watch J-Lo movie marathons anymore. :-)

april - There's always a silver lining in everything if you watch for it.

teacher - Thanks. So you're saying they meant to name it that way? Ohhh kaaay.

ff mamma - You don't like movies? Just Lepp concerts eh?

michelle - The name as it's spelled doesn't really make any sense either. But the way it's pronounced is hysterical.

Sam said...

I will give you actual money if you can sit all the way through Maid in Manhattan.

MYM said...

It's not a good sign when you're in bed with your wife and she wants to watch a movie ... cause what else is there to do? hmm....

As for the assiflex ... omg I've seen that commercial and never thought of that! LOL LOL

Kathy said...

My God. AssEffects. I got nothin' else to say. Except thank you for discovering this. I leave all these things up to you, Jeff. Where would we be without you?

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my god, that's funny. Wait'll I tell Dave. We saw that commercial recently (not at 1:00 am, I can assure you), and he was all bent outta shape because, he claimed, that if you're going to pronounce it as Aci-Phex, you shouldn't uppercase the H, or it looks like it should be pronounced Acip-Hex.

But now I'm thinkin' that Acip-Hex is an improvement over Ass Effects, which we didn't even catch.

Good one.

JD at I Do Things

Anonymous said...

LOL! How I haven't noticed that before I have no idea. Oh and I love that movie Enough! Which is weird because I can't stand her. lol

Anonymous said...

That's funny...will have to be careful next time we come up with a cheeky name for a new product!

Sorry about the J-Lo sorry.

Mom Thumb said...

THANK YOU! Every time that ad comes on, I wonder who got stoned and thought that was a good name. Then I think maybe I just have a dirty mind. I feel vindicated.

Anonymous said...

The cleverest advertisement ever conceived is the four hour Viagra warning. Of course men should call their doctor, but with gratitude for the prescription!! Next they could run off and join the polygamist church in Texas. where men write all the rules for their wives. Women cannot smile, laugh, cry, complain, and must talk softly. Their motivation is that the husbands decide which wives get to heaven, but if you go there, take plenty of Viagra, and hope for the four hours.

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

sam - No way. I'll pay you money to do it for me.

drowsey monkey - It would actually kinda make sense if there was an "l" in the product name, but as it stands, it's just called AcipHex - which makes no sense at all.

kathy - Just doing my job as designated consumer smartass.

jd - How do you even say Acip-Hex? Bizarre.

corrina - Actually, it was a fairly entertaining movie, in a fantasy kick butt kind of way.

jon d - If you ever want to run a new product name by me first, just let me know ;-)

mom thumb - Well, you still probably have a dirty mind - but you're welcome.

bill - You DO realize you're my dad, right? Ewwww.

Jake Titus said...

"Ass Effects" has to be an inside joke. That's better than the cock on the little mermaid vhs cover.

Anonymous said...

I still think Viagra made a warning into a commercial, but I should have been more sensitive about the Texas compound because of the innocent women and children being exploited. Their leader, Warren Jeffs admitted he pulled a hoax on his followers.

Ed said...

Were you implying I have style? Ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously, while there is a feel to everyone's blog I don't think I've got any particular trademark I can sue you on. I'll check with the lawyers though...

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Angel Eyes is actually worth watching. She punches out a guy in that movie too. Just once though. Plus it has that guy with the eyes. The one that was in the Jesus movie.

yellojkt said...

At least you didn't watch Gigli.