Saturday, May 10, 2008

Dear Diary - The Story of Christine

The following contains excerpts from an old diary I wrote when I was 18. Although the stories in this series are true, I hereby claim no responsibility for the maturity of the material written during that time.

If you've been following my Dear Diary series, you'll remember that when last we met, I ended with a passage that proclaimed my love for some girl named Christine.

...The first thing is "old cupid" has struck me down. Her name is Christine and she's wonderful...

Now, I've written some pretty embarrassing things about myself on this blog over the last 2 1/2 years, but I think I ought to tell you... this entry makes me want to change my name and enlist in witness protection until this cloud of shame blows over.

It's not that what I wrote is so embarrassing in terms of the words themselves, but more in terms of how incredibly ignorant I was for an 18 year old. After reading this, I consider it a miracle I ever advanced to the stage of actually dating women, let alone marriage and procreation.

Anyway, here is the entry of when I met Christine. But because it's too painful to simply publish as it was written, I'll need to hide behind some smart-assed commentary as well. You'll find that in red.

Enjoy.

... lucky me. The first thing is “old cupid” has struck me down. Her name is Christine and she’s wonderful. She started working at Cloud 9 last Fri and naturally I wanted to help her out and get to know her.

click image to display remainder of story

So later on we talked and BS’d about Cloud 9 and when we did we both noticed it. (the happy dance in my pants) It seems like love at first sight but it’s more than that. We talked so freely and listened so intently to each other it was great. On the same wavelength, we talked a little about Sleeper and I told her she could buy a tee-shirt for a couple of bucks
(smooth, charge her for a gift... women love that) and she was thrilled. I said she’d have to be a fan of ours if she wore it (wet) and she insisted she wouldn’t miss a gig.

Then her boyfriend (I heard engaged but I’m not sure
(don't care) yet) came and picked her up. It was ok though – we liked each other (uh... me and the girl, not the boyfriend) - that’s what really counted. But – Today – I went to work and saw her in the window – waving and she said “I missed you”, oh, she said “hi” before that. No Shit. I couldn’t believe it. She’s sooo nice (gee Wally, shucks). I gave her the shirt and she soaked it up – I told her it was “on me” (but was thinking "off her") and she loved it. Then this – “Jeff, I hope I’m not being too forward but if you’d like to go out and have a drink sometime just give me a call.” (schwing!) And she gave me her number, and address – this was in case I was ever in the neighborhood (doing my paper route) I could stop in – “I have some alcohol or something too (really? she thought that was necessary to seal the deal?) – a nice warm fire” – I love it – I think I’m in love. (note to self: must start picking out baby names now)

But once again – woe is me – I don’t even know why I’m writing this because in a few weeks it’ll probably be all over with anyhow.
(enter mr. self esteem) 1st – I can’t figure out why she’s coming on so strong when she’s got a steady lover (or whatever he is) (transportation?) . And second, (the story of my life) – She’s 2 years older than me. (God. No!) I don’t have any idea why but when she asked, I told her I was 20. (because you're an idiot?) Now when I call her on Sun, I’ll have to tell her I’m only 18. What a drag – why can’t I be 20? (or at least 18 1/2) It happens all the time – I fall in love with beautiful girls (in the magazines) 2 or 3 years older than me who all are going to get married. All with the best possible personalities you can imagine (read... willing to talk to me) – and I end up dry every time. Well, not every time. (insert your own joke here) I hope it works out for us – I don’t want her to end anything serious with her boyfriend either just because of me. (*snort* oh please) What if we don’t work out (ya think?) – I don’t know, I’ll have to talk to her about it. But I still Love It!

So there you have it. My confession of undying eternal love for a woman I have... uh - no recollection of today. It's so hard to believe she wasn't the "one." Damn - and we were SO meant for each other!

One thing you may find hard to believe though... as of the time of this journal entry, I had not yet even made it to 2nd base with a girl. Or is it 3rd base? Or right field? How the hell would I know, I never even played baseball.

And how is this possible for an 18 year old you ask?

What, you didn't read the entry above? Hello!

* * * * *

I heard Christine is waiting for you with a warm fire and some alcohol at humor-blogs.com

44 comments:

Godless Sunday said...

Great post.
Carl Sagan books, eh?
Me too.

The Super Bongo said...

you are brave, brave, brave. I shudder to think what I've written in my younger, less mature days.

Bee Repartee said...

Now that is my idea of classic literature.

Marie said...

I didn't have my first kiss until I was 20. The guy was 18. I shudder to think what I might have written about the experience.

Sam said...

Thats ok, I didn't get to play right field until I was 19.

Mooselet said...

Is it a bad thing that I'm wiping tears from my eyes? I don't mean to laugh at your 18 year old self, but I'm pretty sure next to ' teen angst' in the dictionary your picture was there.

This is why I pitched all my diaries that I recovered from my dad's house after he passed away. Every now and again I regret it... then I read something like this and think "Thank GOD I destroyed the evidence!"

deborah said...

I just can't put down which is more brave; the fact that you've bared your soul to the countless droves who read this and have yet to comment here. Or the fact that you still have kept this journal, in the same house, with your son. I'm not sure which would scare me more.

Alice said...

That was great! I'm glad I didn't keep a diary when I was a teen as it would have contained lengthy passages on my imagined affairs with Sting and Bono.

Susan said...

My old diary from when I was 18 has a built-in lock, and I forget the combination. Ok, maybe I don't actually FORGET the combination, but I know that I cannot force myself to open it, so that's basically the same thing.

Are there any subsequent entries about this girl, or just this one? You kind of left us with a cliffhanger!

Sexy Housewife said...

I dated a few guys younger than myself in high school. They were so much easier to mold into what I wanted in a guy. ;-)

I never kept a diary, that way the memories are what I want them to be. The truth is over-rated.

Jeff said...

sunday - Carl Sagan was an amazing man. I have most of his books and used to love the Nova series he hosted. Too bad he passed on so young.

super bongo - Ya, I'm a little surprised I was that much of a dork too. I know... it's so hard to believe.

bee - You have an interesting idea of "classic" ;-)

marie - You still can you know. In fact you probably should.

sam - You're lucky... right field is normally a pretty lonely position.

mooselet - Yeah but you didn't have a blog then, otherwise you would have kept them. Blogs are evil.

deborah - Nobody has read this thing but me. And in fact, I actually haven't read it all myself yet. I honestly don't know what's coming up.

alice - So in your imagination, did you ever play baseball with those guys?

susan - Like I told Deborah... I don't actually know! But if there is more, you can bet I'll share it.

sexy housewife - The truth is fricken embarrassing!

Heather said...

And that, my friend, is why I burned all my journals before I got married.

Mom Thumb said...

Oh, teen drama. Thank God I'm almost through that with my kids. My diaries are waaaay to boring to publish, but yours is certainly entertaining.

Daniel said...

and I thought Christine was a car in a Stephen King novel. Seems I was even more naive than you.

G said...

Oh my, this was beyond funny. I am laughing out loud here at my desk. Yet, poignantly sweet - but funnnny. Your updated commentary was perfect. For the record, I thought use of the word lover was rather enlightened for an 18 year old, so there's that.

I did insert a joke but perhaps not for a family blog ;)

Sornie said...

That went from mushy to sort of sad. I think that plenty of young guys have been there. I know I was in the same boat when I was 16. I am just lucky I didn't write any of it down or I'd be more embarrassed than I already am.

cathouse teri said...

I'm fairly sure that any guy who even kept a diary at eighteen, had never been laid.

Otherwise, he'd be out trying to get laid again!

Which brings me to the number of thirty year old men on the internet who have never been laid. Hmmm...

I have seen so many men in chat rooms, or what have ya, and they are all pondering the existence of the female species. And what they would or wouldn't do with one, if they ever happened across one. One who happened to stumble across their path. At the computer.

Anyway, I digress...

Back to you ~
Seriously, though. That was a cool story.

Jeff said...

heather - Well sure, if you had skeletons you didn't want your husband to read about. ;-)

mom thumb - I bet there's a few juicy tidbits in your diary. You just gotta mine for them. Go ahead, let us be the judge of what is boring.

daniel - I think I would have done better if she were a car. At least they don't lead you on.

lil' g - Yeah, my wife thought I pushed it with the "family blog" rating of this post. She's right of course but I just couldn't resist. I'll just tell my kids that this is the story of my favorite math teacher named Christine who thought I was the best student ever. They won't go anywhere near it.

sornie - See, if I was writing this when I was 16 I wouldn't be so ashamed. But 18? Oy.

teri - I've often pondered the existence of the female species. Come to think of it, what species are females?

ajooja said...

My wife's best friend sent her some letters my wife sent to her in the months before and after we met. Totally different person!

I can't believe how mature and calm she sounded just a few months later. Weird.

I have no idea how scattered the letters I wrote to my ex-girlfriend would seem. I'm sure they were much worse than I remember.

Like you've heard before, very brave, man.

Bill said...

Of all sad words spoken by men, the saddest are, what might have been!. Sometimes we wonder what would have happened, had we married another. Both you and I struck paydirt with our wives and children.

Groovy Mom said...

Aw, I think that's sweet. When I was that age I thought, in general, boys that age had no feelings, so it's refreshing to find out how wrong I was.

Drowsey Monkey said...

I think I'm in love with you Jeff...well the 18 year old jeff...he's adorable. "why can't I be 20?" LOL I remember those feelings!

Of course the jeff of today is quite adorable too. And obviously very confident in who he is ... otherwise how could he post this? Why am I talking in the 3rd person about you?

Jeff said...

ajooja - You must have been just what she needed eh? Those letters must be pretty fun to read now.

bill - I like it! I'm going to have to use that for her next card. "Honey, you are like dirt that has paid off handsomely." I'm sure it will bring her to tears.

groovy mom - Oh, I had feelings alright. Let's see... desperation, lust, hopelessness, stupidity... ok, that one isn't a feeling per se but it still fits.

drowsey monkey - I'm sure the 18 year old Jeff would have loved you too. But only if you bought a shirt from him.

VE said...

I looked her up and she's been dancing under this water fountain in St. Louis for almost 30 years...she's pretty wet...and no thanks to that cheap T-shirt you talked her into...

Bill said...

Paydirt is a synonym for gold. [That should get me off the meat hook.]

Michelle said...

I'm still just impressed that you can read your writing. I try to look at what I scribbled yers ago and fail miserably.

I love the naivete. I already recognize that I'm going to look back on today and laugh at my naivete. I'm not sure it's any better acknowledging it upfront though.

You were so sweet then. Not that you aren't now, of course....

Elizabeth said...

How fun to go back through your old journals, but aren't you afraid your kids will read this and laugh at you??

Gette said...

Gah. I hate to think...Every once in a while I stumble across my writing portfolio, then shove it firmly back in the drawer. Ew.

Jeff said...

ve - Sounds like the fountain of youth to me!

bill - I knew that. I just can't resist a smart-ass reply. Gee, I wonder who I get that from? ;-)

michelle - Naive describes it well. I mean how much can someone who hasn't even been up to bat know?

elizabeth - Ha! That's funny. You don't know my kids. They laugh at me on a daily basis over things much less embarrassing than this already.

gette - Which is exactly why I had to load this piece up with jokes.

April said...

You know, I'm just dying to say: Jeff, it's me, Christine!

Carla said...

Everytime I think of my 18 year old self, I get flush with embarassment. I was such a dork and nerd. I truly think ignorance is bliss was my motto and I didn't even know it....see.

Most of us grown out of it, don't we?

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, my gawd,this is hilarious. I think we should all reprint our embarrassing diaries complete with snarky commentary. LOVED IT!


JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

april - Hey, you already had your chance girl... too late!

carla - Uh, sure. There's no way anyone would consider me a dork and a nerd today. Well, except for my kids. And my wife. And my friends. Oh, and anyone who meets me for the first time. But other than them, no way.

jd - I agree. Just let me know when you've do so! ;-)

Sandy said...

Wow.

You were so dorky. I'm kidding of course, but I have to tell you, if I were Christine, I would have probably found you fascinating.

I still can't believe you were going to charge her for a t-shirt.

Kathy said...

You are my idol. I bow to the master. That's pure gold.

Jeff said...

sandy - "Fascinating" hadn't occurred to me. But thanks for putting it politely ;b

kathy - Thanks Kathy. That means a lot coming from the funniest person I know :-)

Anette said...

Nothing beats young love!

yellojkt said...

This is a family friendly blog? Boy have I been misinformed.

And don't leave us hanging. Did you seal the deal? Or at least advance any base runners?

The Chick said...

I love this! And I loved your "Hot Mime" shirts....priceless!

Jeff said...

anette - You got that right.

yellojkt - I don't think so. I read a few chapters ahead yesterday and in about 10 pages I'm going to be all about some other girl I'm totally in love with. Like Anette said... young love.

the chick - Thanks. Your new shirt is a hoot too!

Jay said...

I don't know whether to say 'Aw, how sweet' or 'BWAHAHAHAHA!!'

I think I'll do both.

You know, most guys - make that most people - who look back at their younger selves do so with a cringe. I know I do. Yikes - there are things I remember now that make me want to hide in a cupboard for a week. Please! Make the memories GO AWAY!!

Windyridge said...

Now you've gone and inspired me to re-read the 2 years of mid-teen life that I wrote about in my diary (If I can decipher the code I used for the good parts!).

Jennine said...

Wow. Your journal entries are so full of texture and meaning! (read...unrequited love)

But I know just how you felt. That Andrew guy from Wham! never once responded to any of my letters. To this day!

Mom said...

I love it. Thank you for sharing and for narrating what you were "really" thinking.

www.momstop.blogspot.com