Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Meth in your community: Cows caught in the middle

Like most companies, we receive a ton of junk mail and magazines every day. But the cover story on one I received yesterday struck me as odd.

click to enlarge

Of course I didn't actually read the story inside this magazine, but based on what I'm seeing on the cover, here's what I'm sure it says:
Bovine Intervention
2008-04-30

In a disturbing trend that is spreading throughout the US, many rural communities are now struggling with the rising problem of methamphetamine production. Desperate criminals are now hiding behind the cover of old barns and using them as makeshift production labs.

Unfortunately, innocent cows are getting caught in the middle.

It begins when the meth manufacturing waste finds it's way into their water troughs. Then later when the cows require larger amounts of meth to satisfy their need, they begin to look for other ways to afford their fixes - selling their milk on the street, exposing themselves in peep shows (with operators claiming "twice the teats!") and kicking over lanterns in an attempt to collect insurance claims on burned down barns. Rogue cows refer to this as going "Old School O'Leary."

Finally when it's gone too far, farmers will stage an intervention. This is where concerned family and friends will confront the addicted bovine and help her seek treatment.

Unfortunately, because of a few bad apples, the federal government now wants to step in and tag every cow in America with what is the equivalent of an ankle bracelet monitoring system - an RFID tag.

This is causing an uproar with the ACLU (American Cows Liberties Union) who have begun to raise concerns: Have the FEDs gone too far? Are the rights of innocent bovines being violated? Will "branded" cows start being discriminated against?

Solving bovine addiction is not going to be an easy task, but experts agree something needs to be done soon.

However, whether interventions should be handled privately by the farmers or at the federal level is a deeply divisive issue that still needs to be worked out.
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26 comments:

Mom Thumb said...

Living in a heavily bovined state, I must say I have witnessed questionable bovine behavior. This could explain it. In OUR meth lab (blog post 4/1/07), I can tell you that no cows are harmed in any way whatsoever.

Elizabeth said...

Ahhh, that's why cows always look stoned!

Julie Pippert said...

Oh...I...uh...wow...I'm somehow laughing a bit while deeply disturbed.

VE said...

But I like a little meth in my prime rib...

Alice said...

I'd be interested in trying the new Meth Burger at Wendy's.

Jeff said...

mom thumb - Watching out for cows at your meth lab is very responsible of you. Good work!

elizabeth - How do you think Kemps gets such happy cows?

julie - Really? It took until this post before you were disturbed? Obviously I'm not trying hard enough.

ve - You thought prime rib was expensive before!

alice - They're a good value too, because if you keep buying them, you only have to eat once a week.

JD at I Do Things said...

Won't somebody please think of the cows!

Sam said...

I thought that 'bovine intervention' was something that Welsh people did at the weekends?

Drowsey Monkey said...

The way your mind works...scary, lol.

Sandy said...

Wow. I was really MOOved by that.

Kathy at the Junk Drawer Blog said...

Did you know some cows can have an extra set of non-functioning teats? So they could advertise themselves as "thrice the teats!" Not that it would necessarily get them more meth, but you never know. More teats has to be good, right?

Bill said...

Unfortunately Americans will die from Mad Cow disease, when it hits here in large numbers. All cows should be checked, like in Japan because we just missed getting it in our food supply a few times.

damon said...

Sounds like the perfect cure for mad cow disease.

Udderly disturbing.

yellojkt said...

Cows make methane, not methamphetamines. You really don't want to be around a bovine meth lab.

Michelle said...

Wow, it's obviously started with the cows, but at what point do the bad role model cows start spreading it to the other animals on the farm? Can we afford to have our chickens and our sheep and our horses abusing meth or worse?

Jeff said...

jd - The exact reason I felt it was important to write this piece.

sam - Uhhh, I'm gonna need a little help with this one. Maybe I should ask Mr. Know-It-All.

drowsey monkey - My mind is usually more "on vacation" than actually "working."

sandy - Thank yoooo

kathy (at the junk drawer blog) - Absolutely, we should milk them for all they've got.

bill - That's it then, I've waited long enough. I'm buying my mad cow protector now.

damon - That's right. How can a cow that's high on meth possibly be mad?

yellojkt - Good point. I'm glad I didn't think of the methane connection. I would have spent entirely too much time trying to cleverly work it into the post.

michelle - I think George Orwell is behind all this.

Windyridge said...

I knew there was a reason we took Beefcake to the butcher!

Carla said...

Yeah, I was more on the lines of methane gas from the cows, which would be less costly to produce and it's easy to hide, say in a field, with a bunch of cows.

Queen Goob said...

Look at that poor cow's face - they are deeply hurt. Someone from the Coalition Of Wayward Substance-dependants needs to intervene and save those poor things.

Caryn said...

Absolutely hilarious! Wonder if that means that drinking milk will be addictive and give me energy. Hmmm. I could use the latter, but I'm not up for another addiction right now. Chocolate is more than I can handle.

Mooselet said...

So when farmer's find their cows all eviscerated and mutilated, it's not really aliens but rather a Mafia-style warning from other cows to pay their drug debts? Cow-on-cow violence is so sad.

Jake Titus said...

That explains why I've never seen a sleeping cow. The little bastards are all cranked out.

Meg said...

I'm with the ACLU on this one--cows have rights, too.

Gette said...

Damn cow tweakers

doozie said...

I think it's important for everyone to realize that cows are NEVER "innocent". They are predators....in the darkness of night when normal people are asleep, and believe the cows to be slumbering also, they are in fact forming coalitions and devising diabolical plans to take over the world. I WARNED YOU FIRST

Maureen said...

Ahahahahaha! You should write for the Enquirer!