Monday, May 12, 2008

Mr. Know-It-All

Hi Everybody!

It's been a while since we last consulted Mr. Know-It-All on your very important inquiries. And since we have quite a few questions to answer this month, let's get started right away!

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Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do people who play their music loudly in cars so the entire street can hear them, always have such bad taste in music?
- Dan

Dear Dan,
Because, anyone who is ignorant enough to blast their music that loudly in the first place is also too ignorant to realize that they are listening to crap.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
So, who DID shoot the deputy?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
This is a common point of confusion. The fact is, nobody shot the deputy. The song is simply saying that he shot the sheriff, but he didn't shoot the deputy... or the bailiff... or anybody else for that matter. Oswald attempted a similar tactic when he proclaimed that he didn't shoot Lyndon B. Johnson.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do my dogs have to smell a dozen places before they finally go to the bathroom? What are they looking for and why are they so picky??
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
Easy... dogs, like boys and men as well, are simply looking for a new place to pee that hasn't been peed on already. Incidentally, we do the smell thing too - but only when the door is closed. We do have our dignity you know.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do I have a bunch of Tupperware lids that don't match any of the containers? Is it just that I'm weird, or is there something else going on here?
- Theresa

Dear Theresa,
Good catch! You're wise to suspect something here. Here's what's going on:
In an effort to create more product demand, Tupperware consultants are now undergoing secret ninja training which teaches them how to break into your house undetected - at which point they swap out your lids with unmatched ones. They then invite you to their parties knowing full well you need more stuff, at which time they guilt you into hosting your own party against your will. It's all part of the Tupper-ninja training.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the Hokey Pokey all about? Bonus question: Where's Waldo?
- Gale

Dear Gale,
This was a tough one so I consulted the American Heritage Dictionary on both Hokey and Pokey. Here's what it said:

hok·ey (hō'kē)
adj. hok·i·er, hok·i·est Slang
1. Mawkishly sentimental; corny.
2. Noticeably contrived; artificial.

po·key 1 also po·ky (pō'kē)
n. pl. po·keys also po·kies Slang
A jail or prison.

Therefore, if you put them both together and you turn yourself around, you get - a mawkishly sentimental prison - which ironically is where Waldo is as well.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does the rain fall from up above?
- Mooselet

Dear Mooselet,
No wonder you don't know this - you're from Australia. Rain only falls from up above north of the equator. I understand why you're confused about this.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is my name? Do I have a boyfriend if so what is his name?
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
I'm sorry about your amnesia. Unfortunately you used to have a boyfriend - until you bumped your head and forgot who you were - at which point he withdrew all your savings and moved to Bermuda with your sister.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I'm still kinda in love with my ex boyfriend and he has a new girlfriend. What do I do?
- Hopeless

Dear Hopeless,
Please, I understand you have short-term memory loss, but I just finished explaining this. It's over, move on.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do people in my dorm go out into the hall for cell phone privacy? That seems a little backwards to me.
- Dashofpanache

Dear Dashofpanache,
People only do that when they want to say horribly mean things about their roommates and don't want to hurt...

Umm, I mean I have no idea. Well then, seems like you stumped me on this one!

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Who decides what professions need to be tipped? Should I have tipped the woman who gave me a mammogram the other day? How much? What's the proper amount for a good boob smash?
- Mom Thumb

Dear Mom Thumb,
That depends on whether the smasher has gone above and beyond the call of duty. Did she refill your beverage without you having to ask? Did she not make you hang your butt out the back of a non-closing paper gown? But most importantly, did she deliver the smash within 30 minutes? Because if she didn't, the next one is free you know.

* * * * * * * * * *

Phew! Once again it appears Mr. Know-It-All has answered all your questions - at least for now. Therefore, it's time to leave some new questions for next time.

What would YOU like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?

* * * * * * * * * *

Humor-blogs.com knows everything about making you laugh!

29 comments:

Marie said...

The type of music doesn't really matter. When I was on my way to college on morning many moons ago I was listening to Harry Connick Jr. Just Kiss Me came on and I was into it, so I cranked it up. An old guy pulled up next to me at a stop light and he made all sorts of menacing gestures at me. Honestly, who doesn't like Harry????

Alice said...

I'm sure that my husband would contest your definition of 'hokey' as he graduated from Va. Tech. Or is that 'Hokie'? Whatever.

Question for Mr. Know-It-All: How can I convince my spouse to get a nipple ring?

Heather said...

Good stuff to know. I didn't shoot the deputy either...

Maureen said...

Well, thank you Mr. Know-It-All.

I am always amazed at your knowitallness.

One day I may even think of something to ask....

Oooh! Oooh! I know!

Dear Mr. Know-It-All:

Why can't I think of something, anything, to ask you???

Elizabeth said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are my husband and I the only people left who don't own cell phones? Is this a good or bad thing?
-Elizabeth

Jeff said...

marie - Was that a rhetorical question or one for Mr. KIA? I personally think Harry's the greatest thing since sliced French Quarter bread.

alice - Ooh, good question! I can't wait to see what Mr. KIA has to say about that one!

heather - So you're saying you shot the sheriff?

maureen - My knowitallness knowsnobounds.

elizabeth - Hmmm, I already know what he's going to say about that. We know each other very well.

Phil said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

I have an emergency question. I'm putting together my very first podcast, but am having trouble selecting a cool 10 to 20-second opening music theme. My first idea (Casino Royale by Herb Alpert) was was blatantly stolen by a fellow blogger (nevermind that he had the idea first).

Should I have an opening theme, or should I go directly to my monotonal sleep-inducing voice?

Jeff said...

I checked with Mr. KIA and he said you should definitely go with the theme opening. Then he told me not to offer any suggestions because your music library outnumbers mine by about 100 times. He's a pretty sharp guy that Mr. Know-It-All.

Michelle said...

Mister Know It All,
Why are the turn signal lights broken on so many cars?

And why is it that my children only seem to wake up in the middle of the night on the nights that I'm the most exhausted?

PG said...

MKIA,

I don't trust that turtle as far as I can throw him... I need the real scoop. How may licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

thanks,
PG

Mom Thumb said...

Thanks for the tipping advice - I did get to keep my pants on.

The kids thought it was pretty funny years ago when "Layla" came on the radio and I cranked it. Gray mini-van shaking the roadway.

I am in awe of Heather NOT shooting someone, given her advanced state of pregnancy. You go girl.

Mrs. R said...

Years ago on a sunny day in Southern California, my friends witnessed a 1970's buick cluncker driving down the road, windows rolled down, with three hard core looking guys in it, blasting Celine Dion at maximum decibels. In French.

Jeff said...

michelle - These are both good questions. Thanks!

pg - You're right... that turtle seems like a shady character for sure.

mom thumb - Oh, you rebel. Rockin out to Layla? That's rad man.

mrs. r - Ok, rockin out to Layla might be rad, but rockin out to Celine is sad.

Groovy Mom said...

Wow, Mr. Know-it-all, there is no stumping you is there?

Here's my question:

Isn't there a better solution to the 365.25 days in a year dilemma than having a leap year? It's just not fair to those who happen to be born on Feb. 29th.

Sornie said...

I like the tipping question. I directly provide a service but the only tip I receive is constant grief from customers wen they don't like something. WHen it's good my only way of knowing is that nobody is saying anything. Why is that?

Jeff said...

groovy mom - Leaping lizards, you guys ask some tough questions!

sornie - Hmmm, what do you do at your job again?

Kathy said...

Jeff, is there a similar ninja training for the people who are making all of the lids to my Gladware no longer fit the containers they came with? The lids all become smaller and I have to buy new ones. What is the cause of this?

Also, why does my cat Lucky pick up his food by the claw and dump it in his water dish?

Anonymous said...

Mr. Know-It-All, I'm afraid you're answer to the dog sniffing before it pees couldn't actually be further from the truth. This is my first time visiting your blog, however, and I don't know if people take what you say at face value or not. But just in case, I figured I could answer it correctly anyway. Dogs ARE smelling for spots that have already been peed on. Then, they pee on that spot, which serves two purposes, marking territory and establishing dominance.

Jeff said...

kathy - Wait a minute... you buy Gladware? I had no idea you were so liberal. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

anonymous - Oh absolutely my readers take my advice seriously. Who else is going to teach them about Tupper-ninjas?

Drowsey Monkey said...

I feel so shmart now, especially since the hokey pokey thing has been sorted. whew.

VE said...

That's good advice...(one of my favorite lines from League of their own when Tom Hanks comments that after giving a kid a baseball that says "Avoid the clap")

Ok, questions:

Mr. Knowitall
I don't trust Mr. Owl, how many licks ARE there in a tootsie pop?

What really happens when you put the lime in the coconut and call him in the morning?

Phil said...

Mr. Know-It-All,

Don't you know how long it takes to go through 37,000 songs looking for one with just the right 15-seconds of audio splendor?

Of course you know. You're Mr. Know-It-All.

Back to browsing my music. Sigh.

Jeff said...

drowsey monkey - That's what it's all about!

ve - Oops... PG beat you to the Tootsie Pop question, but I'm sure Mr. KIA will be happy to address your coconut confusion.

phil - Good grief... 37,000 songs? You must have a huge freakin iPod!

VE said...

PG and I are in legal discussions over illegally tapping each others minds...we've also cofounded a watchgroup organization for Mr. Owl...

JD at I Do Things said...

A-HA! I knew there was something shady going on with the Tupperware and Gladware people.

(And it must've been a while since you had a mammogram--you don't have to take off your pants for it; at least I never have.)

Ahem. My question is: How come it's so easy to get Vicodin but so hard to find cough syrup that actually suppresses a cough? And don't tell me to take Vicodin for a cough. I've tried that. MANY times.

Gette said...

Dear Mr. Knowitall,

How did that rabbit get into your hat?

G said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All, Why do stars suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Signed
lil' g

Whit said...

I have a question. How do I know if my Bush money is going to be put in my account via automatic deposit or if I'll be sent a check? Who makes this call?

Anonymous said...

Will me an my boyfriend stay together for a long time if yes how long an if no how did we split up