Saturday, May 24, 2008

Only a fool would want to actually exercise!

Now that I'm officially "middle aged," I'm forever looking for new ways to help keep myself in shape - but, without all that aggressive body-damaging exercise.

That's why I was so excited to find this ad in the back of our Reader's Digest today!


You can click on the picture to read it for yourself, but in case you don't feel like it, let me explain some of the wonderful features this revolutionary product offers. Here's the summary caption they provide:

How Does the Exerciser 2000 Elite™ Work?
Enjoy the benefits of passive exercise - just lie down, place your
ankles on the ankle rest and let the machine do the work.

OMG - how friggen awesome is that! For only $359.95 I can literally lay on the floor watching TV with my feet on some ankle rests and let the Exerciser 2000 do my exercising for me! Hell, I would pay 3 TIMES that much for this gift from Heaven. (but shhh, don't tell Clark Enterprises!)

But don't take my word for it. Read some of the heartfelt testimonial sticky notes for yourself:
"After using the Exerciser 2000 Elite twice a day for one week the swelling in my ankles went away. It has also helped my breathing..."
Who couldn't use unswollen ankles AND air? I mean come on!

And what about this woman's claim that...
"Since I have been using the Exerciser 2000 Elite I have been regular every day..."
Do I really need to say any more about that?

But this is what really sold me...
"The first thing I noticed when I started using my machine was that my feet were warm when I went to bed. They were always ice cold before."
Hello! Can you say "I'll take one for my wife too please!"

This thing truly is the answer to all my prayers. But one word of caution though...

Because this product is so innovative, so cutting edge and so new to the marketplace - other less scrupulous companies may try to take advantage of your desire to own one of these miracle machines by offering you substandard knock-offs at significantly reduced prices.

DON'T FALL FOR IT!... DO NOT PAY ONE PENNY LESS THAN $359.95!

It's important that you get only the highest quality in ankle-shaking machines. Otherwise they wouldn't have printed it right here in their ad.


There, duly warned. Now the next time you see some guy selling these things out of his overcoat on the street corner you'll know that if it isn't an Exerciser 2000 Elite™, you only need to say "No thank you sir, I'm no fool!" and simply walk away.

* * * * *

Don't be fooled by cheap laughs either at humor-blogs.com

45 comments:

VE said...

Jeff, you are a funny, funny, guy. "who wouldn't want air"...classic!

Hey, and am I actually first here? Wohooo

leelee said...

and you know..you could walk away with ease after using ONLY the original..

I'm ordering poste haste!!

Groovy Mom said...

any exercise I can do while sitting on my behind is worth GOLD. I almost said while lying flat on my back, but I was afraid that could be misconstrued. ;-)

Kathy said...

Will it also vacuum up all the potato chip crumbs I leave behind while I'm "exercising?"

deborah said...

dare to dream. I love the vacuum idea. sign me up

Mylhibug said...

Who needs a Wii Fit game to exercise, when you have the Exerciser 2000 Elite!

Awesome!

Should I mention your name for a refferal(sic) wouldn't want you to lose out on any extra cash. :-)

Carla said...

No where did I read,'but wait, there's more'? I want more, and I want it now.

Dave2 said...

At that price, I'd buy two!

Heather said...

Hey, this baby weight will melt away in no time...plus I get to breathe? Woo hoo.

but Momma said...

Too Good!

I heard it here first! And I will accept NO imitations!

Drowsey Monkey said...

I had one of those, seriously. Bought it from the shopping channel and it was only 40 bucks. It was advertised to help with circulation. I bought it more for my father who had poor circulation. Either way, it didn't work...it was really weird! LOL

Michelle said...

I'm steering clear of this one. My mom did the shaking exercise things in the '80s where you laid or stood on a machine and it vibrated the weight away. I forget what those places or machines were called, but she dragged me with her once. And only once.

Unfortunately, I think I'm stuck with my pain of running (hey, 25 minutes today! And no one was chasing me.)

Elizabeth said...

I get to do this exersize all the time. Everytime I sit down and cross my legs, one of our dogs will thoughtfully place her belly over my dangling foot. Then all I have to do is rotate my ankle so that my foot scratches her tummy and I get a good work! And she doesn't charge me a dime!
I have such considerate pets!
:o) Elizabeth

Jinksy said...

Wow!

Its like someone read my mind, and said "There has gotta be a way to make it easier for my ankles to move that requires absolutely no effort."

Sign me up!

Gette said...

Dude. That rocks!

cathouse teri said...

I feel so conflicted. One minute I'm laughing VERY out loud. (I agree with VE, "who wouldn't want air?" is classic!)

Then by the end of the post, I want to slit my own throat.

God help us.

Alice said...

Sign me up! I'll take 3!

Fae said...

You read Readers Digest! lmao!

Corrina said...

The Exerciser 2000 makes that lady "regular"?? What? LOL

Jay said...

"Who couldn't use unswollen ankles AND air? I mean come on!" BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

You know what? I wouldn't buy one. No, really. I think it's a con. Tee hee.

However ... I do own an iGallop and I can't tell you how great that thing is - I actually blogged about it - and yet they sound so stupid in the ads. I'd never have bought one based on the ads. I tried one out in Brookstones, actually felt the pull in my muscles for myself, and no kidding, since owning one I've lost over an inch from my waist and my back hurts a whole lot less.

And all you do is sit on it. Actually, I do add in a lot of stretching exercises, but they're SO much more fun on the iGallop. And you can watch TV.

yellojkt said...

That picture looks just like how I lie on on the couch. Who knew I was getting so much exercise?

JD at I Do Things said...

Jeff! You forgot to mention the most important information from the testimonials: CURES CONSTIPATION! All that, and air, too.

And now I want an iGallop.

G said...

Hahaha, thanks for the heads up. You're so right - who wouldn't want air?! Too funny.

By the way, on the regularity claim - did she stick it up, oh never mind!

Jeff said...

Boy, you step away for a few minutes and suddenly there's a party in your comments section. Yay!

ve - You are first! But then again this was published for exactly 3 minutes when you left this. Way to keep an eye open VE!

leelee - Hold on... I don't know how to receive referral commissions yet!

groovy mom - Don't worry, everything people say here is misconstrued. That's what we do.

kathy - Not for the low low price of only $359.95. Sorry.

deborah - I smell a new marketing idea! Maybe you and Kathy should team up.

mylhibug - By all means. With every Elite 2000 sold I get a can of free air!

carla - Or... "How much would you pay? Don't answer that because if you act now we'll include this amazing set of Ginsu knives!"

dave2 - Good idea. They would make perfect Christmas gifts.

heather - Hey, aren't you supposed to be giving birth right about now? And speaking of air... breath... breath... breath...

but momma - Very good. You don't sound fooled at all.

drowsey monkey - Well no kidding it didn't work... you didn't pay $359.95! Dare I say you were fooled by a cheap imitation?

michelle - That reminds me of those machines you used to see on the old TV shows where they would stand there with a belt around their waste and it would vibrate.

elizabeth - Hey, bonus! I do the same thing with my wife.

jinksy - Exactly. I can't believe it's taken someone this long to invent an ankle shaker.

gette - You saw it here first!

teri - Please don't. It's soooo messy.

alice - Good idea. You can never have too many you know.

fae - Doesn't everyone?

corrina - I know. I want proof.

jay - Hey, drop us the link to your post. I'm quite sure we need to read that.

yellojkt - Yeah but do your ankles shake?

jd - I didn't have to, that woman claimed that she's been regular every day. At least I think that's what she meant by that. Hmmm.

g - I think she did... regularly.

Jay said...

Well alright - you asked for it. Here's the link to my post about the iGallop!

The iGallop post target="_blank"

Thanks for asking!

Bill said...

Just install a lock on the refrigerator door. Remember the old saying, "Once on the lips, forever on the hips."

Jeff said...

jay - Good stuff. Thanks for sharing!

bill - No way. I'd much rather lay on my back and have my ankles shaken.

Chris C said...

I was not aware how much of our health care depends on vibrating ankles. No wonder why everyone freaks out when you have an Achilles heal injury. It must lead to lupus, leprosy, and arthritis in your hands.

Chris C said...

yes I wrote heal not heel cause that is how I roll.

Caron said...

Now I know where my inheritance $ went to. I saw one of these at my parents house.

I didn't ask questions. I didn't want to know.

Sue said...

Why wear socks to bed when you can spend $360 on an ankle-shaker. I'm sold.

Great post!!!LOL

The Intracerebral Itinerary said...

LOL You crack me up.

JD at I Do Things said...

Thanks for the link, Jay!

JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

chris c - Your ankles can never be too vibrated.

caron - The big question is, are they regular? Go ahead - ask 'em.

sue - It's true! Over the course of a lifetime you could easily save the $360 on socks that have worn out prematurely by wearing them to bed. Of course the ROI is a little long, but still.

intracerebral itinerary - Holy moly that's a tough name to type! It took me 3 tries to type intracerebral and I'm still not sure I got it right ;b

jd - So are you going to buy an iGallup so we don't have to?

Talulazoeapple said...

Have you actually used it? I will wait for the knock off. LOL.

Susan said...

I read an issue of Reader's Digest on a plane recently. I haven't read one in many years, and I initially thought "Wow, RD seems to be trying to stay fresh and keep up with things", and then I came across this ad. Crack me up. Same old RD. No wonder my parents love it.

Flip Flop Momma said...

Sweet, no more runnin round the lake 4 this bitch...

doozie said...

wow, you are really getting popular, I am 38th commentor

so yeah, I know about that thing a friend of mine bought one back in 1999. So I guess it's not that new on the market. Wouldn't it be nice to lay there and get in shape? oh wait....

um...nevermind

ksd said...

My middle-aged treadmill flurry brought on by my naked keester did not go well. Good luck!

Zhu said...

I KNOW!!

Everytime I see these crazy "get thin, lose weight, get muscles while doing nothing", I always think it's one of these "only in the US" thing.

I'm French and now Canadians. I have the right to be a bit arrogant, right? ;) :D

Jeff said...

talulazoeapple - Ok, but don't say you weren't warned!

susan - Are you saying I'm old? ;-)

flip flop momma - Maybe you could put one in your boat and get your exercise while you're riding around the lake. Wouldn't that be sweet!

doozie - Hmmm, have no idea what you're talking about. So this thing's been around for nearly 10 years? I'm surprised there's not one in EVERY household in America!

ksd - Ah... treadmills. Find one at a garage sale near you!

zhu - The US has a long rich tradition of inventing and selling crap to the rest of the world. It's the American way.

Jonny's Mommy said...

That thing is awesome. I got ta get me one. Whoo-hoo. Baby fat will just fly off and I know it...And only for $395! yes!

Mrs. R said...

Oh. My. Flashbacks. A couple of years ago, our CEO ran across a company that sells a similar machine. This company uses a multi-tiered marketing strategy, which, somehow our CEO thought was going to make him millions. So he brings in this guy to do a demonstration of this "product," along with a few others, one of which claimed to rid you of parasites. (Want to know how it did that? It sent electric waves into your body. That's right. It ELECTROCUTED you.)

The whole office had to attend this stupid presentation. Our CEO bought several items (to the tune of thousands), which are still sitting in his office in boxes, years later.

All except for the machine similar to this. One of the employees used it regularly to see if it would really help her loose weight. I can assure you, it does not.

Jeff said...

jonny's mommhy - You go girl! It's a bargain at twice the price!

mrs. r - Maybe you should ask if you can sell all his old stuff on eBay. It would probably be worth something now as a vintage "snake oil" type of thing.

albina N muro said...

Many people wonder how to fix back posture and there are a lot of options on the market. One should only consider posture products that come with a totally free trial. body-aline