Friday, July 18, 2008

My Wife is a Hottie

Dateline: Last night, 2:27 A.M.

As I slumber peacefully, awash in blissful dreams of scantily-clad Korg Tritons, my fantasies are suddenly crushed as my bed explodes into a violent disruption of blankets being ripped from the bed and thrown onto the floor.

"WHOOMPH!"

"What the hell?! What's going on?!!!" I shout as I sit straight up, COMPLETELY uncovered and freezing my ass off.

"It's hot in here" my wife moans - and not in the seductive way that would have made being jolted awake at this hour worth it.

This is not the first time this scene has played out this way. Over the last year or so I've been jarred awake several times as Charli suddenly deems it "too hot" in our bed (of course she is sleeping next to me... duh) and decides she has to have the blankets off... NOW!

I know hot flashes in middle aged women are a normal thing, but the problem is, no one else is experiencing the same thing at the same time. And this can be problematic.

For example, the other day we took a little trip up to Duluth in our car and Charli had the air conditioning blasting on full arctic freeze mode. Poor Roseanna was in the back seat wearing a hooded sweatshirt and cowering under a picnic blanket while my knees were turning numb from the Alberta clippers emitting from the dashboard vents.

And our house is no different either. Fortunately we can't put our overhead fan on high in our bedroom because the blades are out of balance and it wobbles so violently I'm afraid it's going to break free from the ceiling and decapitate us while we sleep.

I've now taken to building a little blanket cocoon in our bed where only I get the bedspread and comforter but the sheet still goes across both of us.

But I take solace in knowing that I'm not alone with this issue. Why just yesterday Jay wrote the exact same thing about how she thought she was going to spontaneously combust.

So we're working on it. Charli keeps the house a cool 42 degrees and the rest of us huddle around each other for warmth. It's a beautiful thing actually.

My kids haven't asked for this many hugs in years.

* * * * *

Burst into laughter at humor blogs!

38 comments:

PG said...

This might be a good development for me when we reach that stage. We are both much younger than you Jeff, just saying....

I am always warmer than my wife so perhaps some movement from her getting closer to where I am will make life easier.

Well, probably not, but a boy can dream.

Alice said...

I get like that and I feel bad that the rest of the fam has to live in a meat locker.

Memarie Lane said...

Tell her to try black cohosh, it's the only thing that helped my mom when you was going through that. She also recommends taking MSM (nutritional supplements)to keep hair shiny and young and keep skin from flaking. The menopausal body does some disturbing things. And I listen because my mom is 57 and looks 35.

When I got really hot at night I just rip my shirt off. My hands and feet get really hot too, so I keep a tube of peppermint lotion by my bed.

Jacki said...

I am only 31 but get hot sometimes at night. Poor Peter wakes up shivering. But my mom? Oh my lord, she has major hot flashes! When we go over their house in the winter we know to wear two shirts or sweaters because it is COLD.

I am glad to read that you are so understanding, however. :-)

Mom Thumb said...

It's not even like running five miles when it's 100 degrees outside. It's like hell is inside you trying to get out. I had a job interview a few years ago and I was cool as a cucumber until . . . in a matter of 15 seconds I was literally dripping sweat, down my face, down my back. Fortunately, the interviewer was a sixty-two year old woman. I didn't get the job, but it was because at the time I didn't know Excel. Hot flashes are just a bitch to everyone, those who have them and those who live with those who have them.

Bill said...

Think of the money that would be saved on heating this winter, if men could figure out how to get hot flashes too.

Anonymous said...

been there-done that--for like the past 7 years--My hubby said I was like sleeping with a fish--flip flop, covers on, covers off - tossing them all on top of him, so he woke up thinking he was having them, too! Tried herbal stuff-no luck. Tried bio identical stuff-no luck...Then, one day I had my 9th flash in like 4 hours and I couldnt take it anymore!I went screaming to the phone and called my ob--got the hormones-- and now I remember what normal is like!

Lori said...

This is exactly why my husband and I have separate covers!!

VE said...

This is good news for me. My girlfriend is always cold...perhaps it will balance out between us when this arrives.

You should develop a special jacket made out of those freezer cooler things that don't melt fast. That would do it!

Kathy said...

I'm absolutely terrified of hot flashes. I have some time before I have to really worry about it, but to hear women describe what happens, man, I honestly don't know how I'm going to handle it. Oh, that's right. If I'm still blogging by then, everybody will have to read about it and suffer with me. That's what I do.

Mylhibug said...

My mother in-law used to have her own air conditioner installed in the window next to her side of the bed. Meanwhile my FIL would have extra comforters to ward off the cold. This included the winter time.

My wife will probably go through this AFTER I lose all my excess insulation. :)

At least I get to pick out the next couch.

Jay said...

LOL! Didn't I tell you what to do? Get separate beds, and separate covers! It's the only way.

Though there is still the forlorn voice that says hopefully as we get into bed

'You don't want the window open tonight, do you?'

Jeff said...

pg - Yeah, you kids today. Good luck with your quest toward balance!

alice - Does that mean you have animal carcasses hanging in your living room?

marie - "When I got really hot at night I just rip my shirt off."
Was this a test?

jacki - Yes, I'm a sympathetic icicle.

mom thumb - Excel is a bitch too. I can never figure out how to convert formulas to values.

bill - You could always try estrogen. Let me know how that works out for you.

anon - Quick... what's his number!

lori - You mean blankets, or identities?

ve - I'm on it. An insulated freezer blanket might just do the trick!

kathy - Hey, what are blogs for? We already know all about your butt, so you might as well tell us about the rest of your body.

mylhibug - Make sure it has a hideaway bed. ;b

jay - My wife doesn't even ask about the windows. She does whatever is necessary to stay cool.

Arjan said...

isn't this a sneaky opportunity to demand that she wears less?

Anyways..good luck with freezing your ass off haha.

Maureen said...

Oh Joy... something else to look forward to.

Damn you men. You are so lucky...

Give Charli my condolences and a tall glass of something cold and yummy.

(sorry about the deleted comment... I misspelled her name. I'm sure she hates seeing it with an "e" on the end)

Elizabeth said...

I tend to get hot at night and will turn on the fan or open the window a bit, in winter, in Alaska. Sometimes my husband will just call one on the dogs up in the bed and they huddle together sharing body heat. I knew my dogs were good for something!

Heather said...

Huh. I bet she's thrilled you're writing about it too.

I get hot at night too, since I was pregnant and still after I had D. Must have my hormones all out of whack still. I'm fairly certain it's not menopause.

Jeff said...

arjan - You're on to me. I can now tell her I ordered the Victoria's Secret catalog for her!

maureen - I'll tell her. And don't worry about the extra "e" on her name. You should see how some people try to spell Charlotte.

elizabeth - I tried that with our guinea pig. Once.

heather - Of course she's thrilled with this post. My wife thinks I'm hysterical. All the time. Unconditionally.

Ok, mostly never. But still, it's not like there aren't another 100 million other women out there going through the same thing. It's just life baby!

noble pig said...

It's so frustrating when one person is feeling one way and the other is not! I think my hubby is the one currently having the hot flashes.

Durblady said...

OMG - I laughed so hard I nearly snorted my morning coffee! Tell Charli I can totally relate!

Bill said...

Don't laugh. The doctor said, "When your PSA reaches 15, I will start female hormone shots". My question is will I get attracted to men and will I get hot flashes!!!

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ... my sister is the same. Her husband has his own blankets & sheets ... it's the only way! Plus he gets a lot of gifts of heavy sweaters, socks, etc.

What I love is that look on her face and she's like "aren't you hot?" or "Is it hot in here or is it just me?" To be honest, you'd think our shivering would kinda be the obvious answer ... but I'm not gonna say at to her!

doozie said...

huh? Two words.

twin beds

Michelle said...

Oh come on now. Charli is far too young to be experiencing hot flashes.

Actually, when I get to that point, it may be a good thing, as I keep turning down and off the a/c in my husband's car because I'm freezing (as in I actually have goosebumps).

JD at I Do Things said...

This is NO laughing matter!

And stop calling us "middle-aged women"!

Seriously, I relate to poor Charli's situation. Last night I drank a glass of wine and thought I was going to go up in flames. I tell Dave, you can always put on more clothes, but I can't get any nakeder!

JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

noble pig - Sounds like your hubby is going through men-o-pause.

durblady - Wow that sounds painful. I hope you didn't burn your nose.

bill - Or will you get attracted to hot, flashing men? Please let us know!

drowsey - I know that look well.

doozie - Two words. No way.

michelle - The reason she keeps getting these flashes is because I make her hot. Yeah, that's it.

jd - NOW I know why you're so into that nudist camp! It makes so much sense now.

April said...

My mom's hot flashes lasted close to 10 years.

kapgar said...

It happens more often than not that I wake up in the morning only to be shaking from a freeze due to the fact that my wife kicked all the blankets down to the foot of the bed in her sleep. And she's not suffering from hot flashes in any way, shape, or form. She just gets hot. And, much like your case, not in the way that I'd prefer. ;-)

Groovy Mom said...

I haven't gotten hot flashes yet. I'm hoping to avoid it? Optimistic? I am, unbelievably a true optimist.

My mom's ears used to turn purple and burn when she had hot flashes. She was always putting a cold can of pop on her ears.

Windyridge said...

We are the exact opposite. I am always cold and he is always hot. makes sleeping interesting.
And in the winter, I am bundles up like an eskimo and he is wearing a tshirt. My oldest son is the same way.

Jeff said...

april - Oh great. So you're saying the battle for the covers is gonna last longer than the Bush presidency?

kapgar - It's a wonder we let them sleep with us, isnt' it?

groovy mom - Oh boy, I'll have to make sure I have a camera ready if I ever see that!

windyridge - Well they say opposites attract. That's just part of the package.

Sarah said...

My dad walked past the computer when i opened this page and he read the title of this post. " 'My Wife is a HOTTIE'?! What type of s*** is this?!"

I had to explain to him that it was a blog and probably had nothing to do with what he was thinking.

When I finished reading and summarized for him he just rolled his eyes and said "Ah Huh, yeah right" so i went back on the internet and pulled the blog back up for him. He read a few more posts and well....

Jeff, you now have another reader, you can thank your wife the 'hottie'.

Jeff said...

sarah - "...and probably had nothing to do with what he was thinking."

You know me so well ;-)

Tell you dad "Welcome!" It's always great to have new friends stop by.

VE said...

All right, where's the new post! I can only wait so long you know. It's like at Christmas time (I said Christmas in July, I said Christmas in July).

Hey, big day over at my blog by-the-way...

cathouse teri said...

Get the fucking fan fixed!

cathouse teri said...

(Oh... and black cohosh really does help. As Mammary pointed out. I'm sorry! Every time I read the word "memarie" I think of "mammary!")

but Momma said...

I have to agree with Terry, fix the fan.

Hot trumps cold every time, get some footie pajamas and some Mr. Rogers sweaters for you and the kids. :)

Jeff said...

ve - Woo-hoo for you!!! If everyone else didn't know it... VE got married today!!!

teri - Mmmmm, black cohosh sounds SO yummy! Do you serve that with rice?

but momma - Now then, we don't need everyone agreeing with Teri around here. That could be problematic. At least for me.