Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Wanted: Your witty reponses

What has happened to people?

When did it become OK to turn into an asshat simply because someone called your phone when you weren't around?

Last night my cell phone rang and suddenly I was engaged in this ridiculous conversation:

Me: Hello

Asshat: WHO IS THIS!

Me: Uh, this is Jeff. Who's calling please?

Asshat: YOU CALLED MY PHONE! WHO IS THIS!

Me: No, your number doesn't look familiar. Maybe it was one of my kids. Who's calling please?

Asshat: *click*

So what, now it's a crime to call someone who doesn't know who you are? Or accidentally dial a wrong number?

Oh, but if only I was more of a jerk. It would have been SO fun to lower myself to his level and let him know how much of a tool he really is. But alas, I'm a nice guy AND I wasn't prepared to be greeted that way, so I didn't have any witty responses in my back pocket.

I dunno, maybe you can help supply a good reply phrase to quickly shut down people who start their calls with "WHO IS THIS!" I'm sure this has happened to you. It happens to someone in our family about once a week.

The funny thing is, I checked my entire outgoing calls history and have no record of ever having called him. Plus, when I looked his number up on Whitepages.com, it showed up as a land line. Therefore, the moron probably saw a number come in on his caller ID, and then while trying to call it back misdialed it and called me by mistake. So that would make him a moron squared.

And if I was half the asshat he is, I would publish his number here and ask all of you to call him as well, and then hang up.

That would keep him busy for awhile.

* * * * *

The right number for laughs is at this humor blog!

39 comments:

VE said...

You should have said "I'm watching you...I know what you did..." ha ha ha. That's good for a few years of therapy.

Oh...and your dang 'challenge' post is up on my blog, tagger boy!

Carla said...

People are weird!

Ed (zoesdad) said...

I don't have one for your situation but my grandmother (long since passed) left me with this little gem.

When someone calls you--by mistake, of course--and asks for so and so, she would always respond--they're not there yet? They just left on the way to your house.

As a kid it was pretty funny to see your grandmother pulling this on people. I do it every so often just to remind me of her.

Mylhibug said...

Me: Hello
Asshat: WHO IS THIS?!?
Me: This is Roger, what's up?
Asshat: YOU CALLED MY PHONE! WHO IS THIS?!?
Me: the IRS
or
Me: Your conscience, please stop calling in all Caps, it is RUDE!
or
Me: Yeah, my phone does that every now and again, just for fun.

The last was the first that actually came to my mind, the others just cut in line to get noticed.

Sornie said...

Ah, the famous misdialing a wrong number. Classic case of someone dialing (maybe both parties) having sausage fingers.

Jay said...

Paranoia strikes again, huh? Who did they think it was? LOL!

Actually, that's my usual response to unknown people who ring me and then ask who I am. I normally say 'Who did you want?'

That ought to bring it home to them that they're actually doing exactly what they're ringing to complain about. Not sure it'll have any effect on the pea-brained though.

Alice said...

Got no good comebacks since I just hang up on everyone who cheeses me off. Including my sister.

Heather said...

"This is the St. Cloud P.D. Captain Lee speaking. I'm so glad you called us back, we have this warrant..."

Jeff said...

ve - That's good! I should feed his obvious paranoia.

carla - No kidding.

ed - So the smartalec gene came from her eh? ;b

mylhibug - Aha, the IRS! Perfect!

sornie - I don't mind at all if someone calls me with a wrong number, but they don't need to be a dick about it.

jay - "Who did you want?" Another good one. Thanks!

alice - Don't feel bad. I hang up on your sister all the time.

heather - Perfect!

Mrs. R said...

Oooohhhh, you could have so much fun with this...

1. You could respond in gibberish.
2. You could repeat everything he says.
3. When he asks "Who is this?" you could say "Someone who is obviously smarter than you." and hang up.

The possibilities are endless. There were some great ones already suggested.

I love people like this. They make life so much more interesting. They are also great for one's self-esteem. You should take pride in knowing that you're not a degenerate.

mdicey said...

My number is similar to the local hardware store's. A fellow once called me and asked if I had a 100-lb. sack of manure for sale. I offered him my 11-year-old stepson. Close enough.

Jeff said...

mrs r - I like your #2. I could say, "I know you are but what am I" for everything he says. That would be fun!

mdicey - I hope you held out for a good price.

Anette said...

When I was younger our phone number (or actually our name) was placed above the number of a Pizza place. We got so fed up by people phoning demanding pizza, so we started to take the orders.. they rarely made the mistake twice so we didn't know how mad they became when the pizza never showed up.

and for your question:
repeatedly say: What???(slightly to loud, as standing a bit far away...)

noble pig said...

Ha! So hilarious..you should do it..I'll call him. what a turd.

Steve said...

Please dear god...post the number. Do you know how funny it would be for all of us to call?

OK, I'm extremely evil today. :)

Kathy said...

Jeff, I beg of you. PUBLISH THE NUMBER! Do you know how many asshats I dealt with today? If we could just get one asshat back in a major way, it might balance out the universe a little.

Elizabeth said...

asshat: WHO IS THIS??
me: I DON'T KNOW!!
click

The Acorn King said...

Nice, I hate asshats like that. You should a service like this to call him back and prank him anonymously.

http://www.telespoof.com/

Jill said...

Do what I do....when someone calls me, I answer and they DEMAND to know 'this' is I simply, albeit rudely, reply with "you called me, who's THIS?" One of two things happens, they're stunned enough to calmly reply with their name or they hang up. Either works for me. That's one of the things that chaps my ass...YOU call ME then want to know exactly who you called? The majority of the general population is comparable to a puss excreting anal wart and I'd rather not deal with them - those are the ones who hang up.

Jinksy said...

Me: Hello
Asshat: WHO IS THIS?!?
Me: This is John, what's up?
Asshat: YOU CALLED MY PHONE! WHO IS THIS?!?
Me: John. Oh, you probably know me better as Death. I'd suggest hanging up now or face my wrath.

Michelle said...

I'm so proud of you for rising above. I've just stopped answering numbers I don't recognize, as apparently once a LOOOONG time ago, someone who lives in the Waukegan school district who speaks Spanish and owes a lot of people money used to have my phone.

Yep, I know about the Waukegan school district part because during the *7* snow days we had this year (we've had maybe 2 in the last 8 years before this past year), I would get a call at some ungodly hour of the morning in SPANISH where I could understand only the word "Waukegan." They're lucky it was a recording.

Drowsey Monkey said...

LOL ... asshat. I like that.

I don't understand people who look at their caller ID and then call the number back to ask who called? WTF? I never do that. If they REALLY wanted to talk to you they would have left a message. I've had a few of those calls too and quite often I can't remember who I called, or why and who the hell cares anyway?

But ... I think if it happens again ... and they as "who are you" the best answer is ... "I'm you"

Think of the possibilities of where that conversation could go!

Corrina said...

What a rude bastard! I have had people call me and ask me "Who is this?" as soon as I answer. They were quickly met with, "Uh, no. Who is THIS?" And if they get rude or hang up I post their number on CraigsList for sex. :-)

Jacki said...

The ones I always get a kick out of are the ones that call your phone, ask for someone, and when you tell them they have the wrong phone number they start arguing! They'll ask "is this xxx-xxxx?" and when I say yes, but that person doesn't live here, they are just in disbelief.

Jeff said...

anette - Oh, that pizza thing is devious. I used to do crap like that when I was a kid too, but I'm too chicken to try stuff like that now.

noble pig - I'm really tempted. If he calls me one more time I'll post it for sure.

steve - I like the way you think ;b

kathy - Yeah, but isn't "dealing with asshats" on your job description? You'd think you'd be used to it by now.

elizabeth - That should confuse him!

acorn king - Wow. At first I thought that was an actual spoof, but after reading it further I realized it's an actual service. Bizarre.

jill - Funny. I know a few puss excreting anal warts myself. Ewww.

jinsky - Love it. "That's Mr. Death to you."

michelle - Nice. I had to request a different phone number once because I was given someone else's old number who apparently had a gajillion friends.

drowsey - "Who the hell cares" is exactly right. Who has that much time to care about the fact that someone called you? And what difference does it make anyway? Sheesh.

corrina - You can do that on Craigs List? I had no idea.

jacki - No kidding. Believe it or not, people sometimes dial the wrong number. Why is that so hard for some people to deal with?

JD at I Do Things said...

Boy, I never have the appropriate witty response in these situations. Even after sitting here for approximately one minute, I can't think of a good comeback.

However, I don't think there's a better insult than "Asshat."

(I have risen to the challenge!)

JD at I Do Things

Mom Thumb said...

I don't mind if someone calls and politely says that this number showed up on their call ID and they were wondering if they could help me. But when I answer the phone and an asshat says "WHO IS THIS?" it pushes some primal button and I go all medieval on their ass. My children have stories of listening to my end of some phone conversations. Really, don't do this to me unless you want a lecture, complete with expletives, about phone etiquette.

doozie said...

my latest and greatest is to repeat this repeatedly until they get pissed and hang up, this goes for telephone solicitors as well:

"I DON'T SPEAK SPANISH"

cathouse teri said...

Better yet, "I'm sorry, I don't speak English!"

Just random shit is the best.

I like Steve's idea. Give it up, mister!

cathouse teri said...

Sorry... forgot to add, when they respond with "What? I asked who this is!" You say, "Oh, and I see you don't speak English either." *click*

Sandy said...

You know what would've been funny? If you'd immediately dialed him back and asked "Who is this?" and tell him he had just dialed YOUR phone....

Jeff said...

jd - Wow, you devoted an entire minute to this problem? Well, at least you can't say you didn't try ;-)

mom thumb - I'd like to hear those. I'll have to get your number from Lois some time and give that a try.

doozie - Usted es seƱora elegante Doozie.

teri - With the moron who called me, that would probably work.

sandy - Gah! That would create an infinite loop of idiocy. In other words, an idiot loop.

cathouse teri said...

I like what Sandy said!

(Hey man, I changed your blog title on my blogroll, so there!)

Carla said...

Sounds like he's a moron cubed. He needs to go back to ettiquette school.

Maureen said...

Wow, I got one of those calls last night. It was near 11 pm when this obviously drunk caller demanded to know "who is this?" when I answered. I shot back with my usual, "who did you want?" He kept repeating his line, three times before eventually hanging up. Of course, minutes later, he called back. This time he admitted he wanted Home Depot (we get their calls all the time...1 number difference, damn them).

But a drunk wanting Home Depot at 11 at night? Weird.

Gette said...

I'll call back mystery numbers too, but I try to be nice about it...

Our friends are caring for her mother who has had a stroke and cannot speak any more except to say "wassa!" When they get an annoying call, they hand the phone to her. She's a pretty good sport.

Jeff said...

teri - That's awesome. I've actually received a few visits from your new Clouds of Furry link. Thanks!

carla - Hey Carla, thanks for stopping by. I love the photography on your site! :-)

maureen - Yeah but I wonder how many calls the Home Depot gets for drunk people trying to reach you?

gette - I think your friend's mother is on to something. "Wassa" may just be the perfect response to that problem!

Maureen said...

LOL!!!!!

Damn. Now you've got ME wondering that too!!

April said...

I recommend just heavily panting.