Sunday, August 24, 2008

Take a walk on the wild side

So it was midnight, we had just returned from our fabulous evening with Kathy, and my daughter was squirming miserably in our hotel room due to the mysterious rash she had somehow picked up along the way. We're guessing it was an allergy to the soap used in the bedding at our first hotel.

"Okay honey, I'll go find a drugstore and get you some Benadryl and Calamine lotion."

The gentleman at the front desk was very helpful. "Just go around the corner and down the street about 4 blocks. There'll be a drugstore on the corner."

I could have sworn I detected a slight smirk on his face when he said this.

So I grabbed my 17 year old son Brandon, and we embarked on our journey to find relief for my daughter.

As soon as we stepped out the front door of the hotel I realized this was going to be an interesting walk. Two barely-dressed women just to our right were cruising the incoming cabs for Johns. Brandon didn't notice. I only noticed because I was concerned that they might catch a cold.

100 feet ahead of us on the corner were two guys dressed in tight leather pants and cropped belly shirts. The first guy was tall, had a goatee and wore a studded dog collar around his neck. The other guy was much shorter with spikey hair and wore leather suspenders. They were both wearing heavy eye liner. Brandon didn't notice. I only noticed because I was concerned Brandon might see them and make me explain.

Immediately after we rounded the corner of Jarvis and Carlton, we started hearing a loud, almost karate type of yelling. We quickly came upon a hunched over old woman who was either on some serious drugs, or was mentally ill. We slowed our pace and walked behind her for several hundred yards as she repeatedly swung her right fist through the air in a simulated punch to an imaginary foe, all the while letting out a shrill "aaaaaahhhh" with each swing.

Just as we thought this poor woman would probably get scooped up by the police, a taxi driver who had been leaning against his cab stepped out in front of her, opened up his arms and said, "Come here sweetheart, you need a hug!" at which point she buried herself into his shoulder as they gave each other a huge squeeze.

On the next corner I saw Brandon do a double take at 2 women on the corner who were packed into tiny miniskirts. I think he thought they were just college girls waiting for a bus. I don't think he made the connection.

At this point the crazy ninja lady had worked her way down the sidewalk about half a block ahead of us and had disappeared into the alcove of a store front. As we passed by Brandon elbowed me in the ribs. "Dad," he whispered, "check it out!" This is when we both had the pleasure of witnessing a near perfect "squat and poop." Pants down around the ankles, shoulders forward, butt back. Difficulty level 10. We gave her a 9.5 because she took an extra step on the landing.


And so we eventually made it to the extremely busy Drug Mart, purchased our things and headed back to the hotel. As we rounded the corner of Jarvis Street, the two "ladies" I had noticed when we first left were approaching us on the sidewalk. The one on the left had full curly blond hair, a choker and was wearing a turquoise "bra" that was designed for a chest at least 2 cup sizes smaller. She had a belly ring and wore a minuscule micro skirt that barely covered her lady parts. I wondered how she could walk in her 5" stiletto heels.

As soon as we walked into the hotel lobby Brandon turned to me and said, "Dad... those women outside looked exactly like the stereotypical prostitutes you always hear about."

"Huh," I shrugged. "I guess I didn't notice."

* * * * *

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40 comments:

Jaffer said...

LOL ! I used lived on Church and Gerrard for 3 years.
I'd take the street-car from Church and Carleton to the subway at University.

Just be thankful you didn't stroll down Church Street.

rick said...

What city was this in?

Jeff said...

jaffer - I always liked going to church.

rick - It was Toronto Rick. I'll give you directions later.

Sarah said...

I hope that you don't think he didn't make the connetion right away. I'm sorry to burst the bubble jeff, but he more than likely knew what they were.

Heather said...

Well, that's quite a recommendation for visiting Toronto.

Babs (Beetle) said...

Oh my! A pretty colourful street!

I bet, at seventeen, he knew what they were really ;O)

I hope, after all that, the medication worked!

Kathy said...

Did we visit the same city? Because ours didn't have hookers or squatting poopers. We only saw those gigantic black squirrels that can eat you face off. Guess we were on another side of town. THANKFULLY!

Elizabeth said...

Oh my! Maybe you should volunteer to write a guide book for the area!

Jaffer said...

@Kathy - The restaurant we went to was on the same street, except that Jeff was only 3 miles to the east !

That's the area I was talking about when I said that I would not let you go even during daylight !

Windyridge said...

Only you could have a walk like that!
You have a novel forthcoming don't you?

Jeff said...

sarah - Bite your tongue... not MY son! ;b

heather - I just calls em like I sees em.

babs - Actually it did. She felt better right away and was hardly uncomfortable at all the next day.

kathy - I was wondering why our hotel offered any hourly rate.

elizabeth - For who?

jaffer - We had to walk the same path to the subway station the next morning. Trust me... it was MUCH different. Funny thing is though, we saw the same two "leather boys" the next morning on the same corner. Only this time they were wearing khakis and polo shirts. It was hysterical!

windyridge - Yeah, I'm lucky that way. No time for a novel now. Maybe when the kids move on and I have more time.

Michelle said...

Dude, what kind of a hotel are you staying at with your family?!

I will admit that I feel a little better now knowing what the poop on the sidewalk story actually is. Phew!

Drowsey Monkey said...

As soon as I started reading this post, I was thinking to myself "good lord, he was down at Jarvis & Church"

ha!

YOU were!

I used to work down there, umm...not on the street ... but in a social services office for street workers/homeless,etc. It's a very interesting place at night FOR SURE!

They're trying to 'revamp' it or something, putting in nice hotels and trying to drive out the locals. How's it working? LOL

And jaffer's right about chruch street...lol. You were 'on the stroll' ... quite the adventure.

Bill said...

I am glad you only stayed at the better hotels where there was no danger from bed bugs!! Ha, Ha! T.V. tells us that relieving yourself in front of a resturant that refuses their washroom, can bring the manager with cash for a street person to move on. It is a stinkey way to shakedown business places and is hard on shoes.

Roger said...

I recommend visiting Toronto during hockey season - never saw any of that whenever I was there, okay maybe there was a hooker or two.

I only ventured maybe a block away from the hotel as well, so maybe that's the other reason I never entered the "Poop Zone!"

What fun!

Oh and I'm sure Brandon didn't notice a thing, except the pooper and the "stereotypical" hookers. :)

deborah said...

vacationing just isn't what it used to be, huh? just imagine the stories he'll get to tell his buddies now!!

carlae said...

I read someones comment about Toronto and hockey and then all I could think of was hookers and high sticking and the thought just got away from me. huh

VE said...

Must have reminded you of the old days touring with the band... ;)

But really...vacation planning 101 distinctly says "Do not use the Greyhound bus maps as a guide for where to go and stay..."

Mom Thumb said...

Interesting comment by Bill - I just read an article about the rising bed bug epidemic. Maybe that's what Roseanna had. Now tell me again why you were in a hotel in the red light district . . .

April said...

you've truly sheltered your kids, Jeff. My "LA kids" can differentiate the janes from the drag queens as fast as I can these days!

Anonymous said...

The outfits you describe sound like what you used to wear in your band! Esdpecially the leather pants guys! And the girls, do you not remember the blonds who used to dance out in front??!! You're just jealous!! Do you still have those pants??!!
By the way, next time try Travelocity, or Orbitz, or anything except "hourly rates! Cheap! No id necessary" Ya, stay away from those ads!! sis

Fancy Schmancy said...

Is your son really that wonderfully naive and sweet, or was he just sparing your feelings? My jaded 14 year old and I elbow each other an giggle when we see anything like that!

JD at I Do Things said...

I sure wish I'd had that map when we were in Toronto. I could have avoided a lot of poo (and also run into more leather boys).

Quite an adventure! Maybe I should try staying up past 7 PM one of these nights.

JD at I Do Things

Gette said...

Oy. How nice of Brandon to play dumb. ;)

Shieldmaiden96 said...

Yeah, but, they were CANADIAN prostitutes, right? So, like, cleaner and nicer? :)

With bitchin' health insurance?

Bill said...

Look at the good side of your experience. Chances are the fast sleepers left warm sheets for you.

Jennine said...

The whole experience sounds whoreific to me.

regan said...

What an interesting walk. Who knew there were so many hookers in Canada?

damon said...

I now have a map for my next vacation.
You just don't get truly valuable info like this at a travel agency.

Will I get any discounts if I say Jeff sent me?

Jacki said...

WOW! That is an interesting place you were staying.

Sounds like my husband's first trip to Baltimore (Maryland)! He was not impressed.

Meg said...

What no photos? What kind of blogger are you ;)

Jeff said...

Yikes! Blogger apparently ate my last batch of responses for lunch. Damn you Blogger! I hope you choked on them!

Oh well, as Donnie says... Ah Leah, here we go again.

michelle - It was actually a very nice hotel. Expedia just didn't mention the neighborhood. Hmmm, wondering if I should leave a user comment...

drowsey - Oh sure, NOW you tell me! :-)

bill - What TV shows are YOU watching?

roger - Don't laugh... Brandon was probably scanning for computer stores.

deborah - Yes, I'm sure he'll be quite popular around the lunch table this fall.

carlaE - Shame on you, and keep those thoughts to yourself. ;-)

ve - But those maps are FREE!

mom thumb - Don't think it was bed bugs. I checked all the mattresses and they didn't look like bites.

april - The whos and the whats?

sis - Hahaha. I'd be insulted if you weren't so accurate.

fancy - It's hard to say. He's a pretty quiet kid.

jd - Yeah, I think the freak show starts around 10.

gette - Sure, dumb like a fox eh?

shieldmaiden - It's a good thing about the insurance, cause I'm quite sure they can use it!

bill - And hopefully dry.

jennine - There you go again. You kill me!

regan - Hey, you're too young to be commenting on this post. ANN!

damon - I thought about you when I wrote this. You're welcome :-)

jacki - Who said I wasn't impressed?

meg - You're right. I failed that mission for sure!

yellojkt said...

I'd have high-fived the kid and said "So true, just don't tell Mom how we spent the extra twenty."

mom said...

You have 33 comments, and I'm loving reading them and laughing, I also loved reading about your stroll down the street. And I'll say again---I"m glad you are safely home!!!

braden said...

damn this story was awsome!!! i loved the illustration! good story

Mrs. R said...

...And Toronto just got taken off the list of places to visit...

When I was a college student in LA, we had someone poop in the backyard of the house we were living in. I thought situations like that were limited to Los Angeles, but I guess not...I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing to know LA isn't alone in public pooping.

Sarah♥ said...

Wow.. she really pooped on the sidewalk? REALLY?

Im sure your seventeen year old boy new exactly what everyone REALLY was.

Im 20.. and I KNOW I KNEW those things when i was 17...

cathouse teri said...

I believe I would have trouble sleeping that night. Do go ahead and give us the directions so we can be sure to NEVER stay in that area. :)

cathouse teri said...

By the way... you have GOT to go see The Rocker!

bon bon said...

i'm so psyched! we leave for the toronto film fest next week, and i've got my fingers crossed i'll see brad pitt pooping on the red carpet!

i think it's a canada thing.