Thursday, October 30, 2008

...also make sure you have some Beano

I know Teri isn't a big fan of my poop posts, but sometimes you just can't "pass" on material when it comes to you.

For example, the other day I ate an entire can of lentil bean soup for lunch. Big mistake. Big gassy mistake. It's like eating a can of methane.


As early as 3 p.m. I started noticing an uncomfortable pressure in my lower abdomen. By 4:00 I had to start crop dusting just so I wouldn't create a toxic cloud around my desk.

By the time I got home I was quacking like a duck with every step.

And before I turned in for the night, I had visited the gas station 3 times! Yikes-o-rama!

I guess I shouldn't be surprised, the can states right on the label that it's an "excellent source of fiber!" Ya... no kidding.

Yes, I know this is way TMI, but I'm treating this as a public service announcement... for your sake. If you're having a hankering for a delicous can of lentil bean soup for lunch, just make sure you don't have any plans for the evening...

... other than reading lots of magazines in the bathroom that is.

32 comments:

Sornie said...

You haven't lived until you powered down a can of bean and bacon soup. Let the fun begin after that

Babs (Beetle) said...

Now I really needed to know about that ;O) I knew there was a good reason why I don't eat that stuff!

Rickey Henderson said...

Heh, Rickey assumes that you never attempted to cook his chili recipe, eh? Lentils aint nothing compared to Rickey's chili, son...

Bill said...

I am glad your camera is missing.

Jennine said...

Gosh...and Bill gives me crap for serving squirrel. That's nuts.

This poop post sounds like a lot of fluff to me. Thanks for spilling the beans.

Kathy said...

I'm glad you posted about this so I didn't have to go there. I had an identical situation a few months ago, except my problem was chili. But I couldn't find a safe haven, so I imploded at my desk. It was very painful, as you might imagine.

Thanks for the warning. Never again. Ow.

unfinishedrambling said...

I don't think my wife is a big fan of my posts on farting either, but hey, we're guys, right? We wouldn't be guys without poop and gas humor.

Thanks for the warning, though. For me, it's hot wings, but I keep returning to them...and they keep returning on me too. :(

mom said...

You know what they say about a poop? It's the strongest thing in the world---even an elephant can't hold it in!

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

Ooooh, I think I'll serve some at my next party and then invite fun party games that can be played with gas! Hee! Hee!

Roger said...

That's what wireless is for, I mean magazines are so 1990's. :)

Elizabeth said...

I had a friend in collage whose mom told him that girls don't fart. He believed herfor a long time!

carlae said...

STOP IT! RIGHT NOW!

Gary Gasman said...

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for the advice on the beans and making sure you leave some free time to "let it out".
CharcoCaps is an activated charcoal remedy that might help with your situation next time it comes up.
Their web site also offer more information about flatulence and gas including other foods that are likely to give you gas.
www.charcocaps.com

Gary Gasman

cathouse teri said...

You just never stop!

(I did read this entire post, but through squinting eyes so I wouldn't have to take it ALL in. Also, holding my nose.)

Jeff said...

sornie - Oh yeah, LOVE the bean and bacon. That's why I thought I should try the lentil bean soup too. It was good... but holy cow!

babs - That's what I'm hear for. A full service blog.

rickey - I saw your recipe earlier and thought it looked delish. I'm thinking about whipping up a batch soon. I'll warn the family.

bill - What are you afraid of? It's not like I'll post anything here. On second thought... you're right - you should be glad.

jennine - Glad I could pass this information along.

kathy - Sounds like I'm treading on JD territory. I ate beans so you don't have to.

unfinishedrambling - Absolutely. Guys love to read about this stuff.

mom - Remember what Oprah said... "everybody poops!" Not that I'm comparing Oprah to an elephant.

jen - Cool! Maybe a contest of who can blow up a balloon the biggest! Great idea.

roger - I agree, but my laptop gets too warm on my legs. I think I need an upgrade.

elizabeth - Please don't tell me their poop doesn't come wrapped in little perfume-scented bags.

carlae - What? Just trying to help here.

gary - Nice ad, but seriously... your name is Gasman?

teri - I can't stop. I tried but I just can't. I may need help. Is there a 12-step program for bloggers who can't stop writing about poop?

The Doozie said...

NO...no no no. A public service announcement would be this:

You Know it SEEMS like a good idea to wrap your kids in newspaper to keep them warm at bedtime...but DAMN, that stuff is flameable!!!

Mom Thumb said...

OMG, more poop?! In addition to my last question to Mr. KIA, I would also like to ask why men are obsessed with pooping and farting. But I still want my other question answered. In fact, you can probably combine them.

Jacki said...

I feel so sorry for your wife right now.

Jeff said...

doozie - Yes, that is clearly a much more helpful PSA. I see what you mean.

mom thumb - Alrighty then... consider them merged.

jacki - What do you mean? I thought all wives loved it when their husbands farted. Don't they think it's cute and charming and enduring?

rick said...

Farts aren't really any fun unless they smell bad, and for that you need protein. A good combo is sardines, hard boiled eggs, and canned turkey. Then the beans for volume. Time it about four to six hours before a long car ride with your friends. Fun for everyone!

VE said...

That's weird. I just read something that said contrary to popular opinion, beans aren't a good source for really bad farts. So...it must be you... ;)

JD at I Do Things said...

I had a can of Campbell's Bean with Bacon soup yesterday (with the obligatory peanut butter sandwich) and all I can say is: thank GOD I work at home -- ALONE -- and my husband doesn't get home until late.

Tho my cats were rather annoyed.

JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

rick - I bow to your superior ability to produce stank. I would never question your authority on this matter.

ve - I don't care what you read... they were WRONG! ;-)

jd - Bah... everything annoys cats. What do they know?

yellojkt said...

Seeing as I don't like beans or soup, I think I'm in the clear.

Impetua said...

We had this Doberman once who had what I like to call "room clearing gas." We found ourselves sitting surrounded by candles, to no avail. Your timely post brought it all back to me in vivid detail....

It got to where he'd cut one (audibly) and then immediately get up and leave the room knowing that we'd be yelling at him to go in a second anyway.

Elizabeth said...

Happy Halloween!

Corrina said...

LMAO! I am never getting near lentil bean soup. Ever. THANK you for the warning... As when I get gas (which is, like, never because I'm a lady- HAHA) it is LETHAL. Not kidding... If I "crop dusted", things would lie dead in my wake. You've done everyone around me a service. LOL

Bill said...

Please add brats with chili.

Windyridge said...

I just realized that my comments aren't coming through anymore. This is a test.

Windyridge said...

Hmmm that's weird, I've left a few on several posts that never made it. Oh well, you gotta love those internet tubes. Anyway what I had said was, how can you be a geek when you are a cool rock'nroller?

April said...

I can't comment on your actual post because I'm CRACKING up at your mom!

cathouse teri said...

If there is such a twelve-step program, then Doozie is the prez!