Sunday, October 12, 2008

Mr. Know-It-All

Wow, it's hard to believe it's been 5 months since we last heard from Mr. Know-It-All!

We had some excellent questions the last time around so let's get right to them, shall we?

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How can I convince my husband to get a nipple ring?
- Alice

Dear Alice,
Convincing him to get a nipple ring shouldn't be too much a problem, he just needs to go to a store and buy one. However, getting his nipple pierced is a whole nuther issue. My advice is to make him a deal... tell him if he gets his nipple pierced you'll do the same. You know, tit for tat.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why can't I think of something, anything to ask you?
- Maureen

Dear Maureen,
Don't worry about it, this often happens to someone in the presence of a big celebrity. And right now I'm bigger than Dear Abby. Of course I heard she's only a little over 5' tall, but still.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are my husband and I the only people left who don't own cell phones? Is this a good or bad thing?
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
No, there's a small tribe in Tanzania that still doesn't use cell phones. But no, this isn't a problem. As long as you can learn to communicate by banging on hollow logs.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why are the turn signal lights broken on so many cars?
- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
I think it's more accurate to say it's the turn signalers who are broken. For some reason people have decided that using turn signals is optional.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I don't trust that turtle as far as I can throw him... I need the real scoop. How may licks DOES it take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?
- PG

Dear PG,
I think a better question would be, "How many Tootsie Pops does it take before you need a new crown?" But the answer to your question is L = (T x S) ÷ (4πr2) whereas T=the surface area of your tongue, S=number of skin cells contained within that surface area and r=the radius of the Tootsie Pop. You don't need to bother to try to verify this. It's true.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Isn't there a better solution to the 365.25 days in a year dilemma than having a leap year? It's just not fair to those who happen to be born on Feb. 29th.

Dear DFTF,
Yes, but it would be very difficult to implement. The way it would work is once a year every single person on the planet would have to face west and simultaneously begin walking for exactly 6 hours. The energy of the people pushing against the rotation of the earth would have the effect of stopping time - much the same way Christopher Reeve tried to do in Superman. The difference being this is a realistic solution that would actually work.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does my cat Lucky pick up his food by the claw and dump it in his water dish?
- Kathy

Dear Kathy,
Because he doesn't have opposable thumbs.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What really happens when you put the lime in the coconut and call him in the morning?
- VE

Dear VE,
Every time someone calls that number Harry Nilsson receives another royalty check.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

Don't you know how long it takes to go through 37,000 songs looking for one with just the right 15-seconds of audio splendor?
- Phil

Dear Phil,
I refuse to answer this on the grounds that I may implicate myself for aiding and abetting audio piracy. Clearly anyone who has that many songs is not getting them legally.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How come it's so easy to get Vicodin but so hard to find cough syrup that actually suppresses a cough? And don't tell me to take Vicodin for a cough. I've tried that. MANY times.
- JD

Dear JD,
You need to make a cough cocktail, or what I call a coughtail. Mix 1 part brandy and 1 part honey with 2 parts codeine. Warm mixture slightly. The key is to make the parts REALLY big.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

How did that rabbit get into your hat?
- Gette

Dear Gette,
I'm sorry, but you must not have been paying attention. There never actually was a rabbit in that hat. See for yourself.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why do stars suddenly appear, every time you are near?
- lil' g

Dear lil' g,
Well technically, the correct reference is either "why do birds suddenly appear every time I am near?" or "why do stars fall down from the sky every time I walk by?" Since I don't know which one you were trying to ask, I'll answer them both.
1. Because I always carry birdseed in my pockets. I like to have it handy to throw down on the icy sidewalks so I don't slip.
2. This claim was actually created out of context and started when I was walking through the overcrowded Christmas Village display at Menards Home Center. I was carrying an 8' 2x4 stud and didn't realize I was knocking the stars off the tops of the trees. This innocent incident somehow went viral over the internet and I've been saddled with this myth ever since.

* * * * *

AND.... we are clear. Therefore, it's time for you to leave some new questions for next time.

What would YOU like to ask Mr. Know-It-All?


regan said...

Mr. Know-It-All,

How do you know it all? How can I know it all?

Mom Thumb said...

What don't you know, and how will you learn it?

Heather said...

Where are my keys?

Also, why are so few people that I actually would like to reconnect with on Facebook?

Mooselet said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

How can the poop rules be applied to a public restroom as opposed to a work restroom?

Michelle said...

Dear Mister Know-It-All,
How is it that my husband is only 6 years older than me (technically 5 1/3 but really six), yet we have such different memories of childhood? How do we address this cultural generation gap?

Elizabeth said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Do you guys use studded tires in Minnesota??

Elizabeth said...

Wait, what a stupid boring question. I want to try again...

Elizabeth said...

Dear Mr. Know-it-all,
Frosting or iceing, which do you say?

cathouse teri said...

So weird. I don't know where I've been, but I didn't know that you know it all!

I love Harry Nilsson and I love the way that you make stars fall down from the sky when you walk by! So clever!

mom said...

How did I ever manage to produce a son, with such a terrific sense of humor?

Anonymous said...

You seem to be quite an authority on bathroom etiquette, so I am asking your opinion. Because many men enjoy wearing a wig and female clothing, should they use the mens or ladies washroom?

Jennine said...

Mr. Know-It All,
We've all heard of String Theory but it's difficult to fathom. Can you help me fathom it?

VE said...

hahaha, we LOVE Mr. Know-it-all. But I'm going to have to demote him to Mr. Know-it-some now. Nillson is dead...he can't collect his royalty checks anymore. ;)

Jeff said...

Thank you to everyone for your most excellent questions to Mr. Know-It-All so far. You can rest assured they will all be answered. Eventually ;-)

teri - That's right. Who needs Jeeves with Mr. KIA around!

ve - Well somebody is, that's for sure. That's like saying nobody is making money off of John Lennon's songs anymore.

JD at I Do Things said...

Hurrah for Mr. Know-it-All! I feel stuffed full of nutritious knowledge on topics ranging from nipple piercings to Tootsie Pops. Thanks so much for the coughtail recipe.

And now for another question:

Where can I get some codeine?

Thank you!

JD at I Do Things

Memarie Lane said...

Why do my neighbors get mad that I don't answer the door yet don't punish their stupid kid for knocking on my door and running away 50 times a day? Daily, for the past year? Am I supposed to open the door every single time just in case it's Stupid Kid's lazy dad wanting to borrow my phone? Because he'd rather spend his unemployment check on new subwoofers for his truck than on his phone bill?

Mooselet said...

JD- they sell it over the counter in Australia. No kidding. Not straight up, mind you, but the tablets with either Tylenol or ibuprofen. I think you can get it in certain other meds as well. We get all kinds of good drugs here!

Roger said...

LCD, DLP or Plasma?

What is a Black Cow? Why is it called that?

Jennine said...

Mooselet? Surely you jest! Over the counter codeine?

My dentist gave me a half hour lecture about the dangers of codeine when he prescribed it to me. I had to sign a statement promising not to drive and that I would throw away any unused tablets.

muskrat said...

several google searches that have directed folks to my blog have asked "why do my balls smell?"

so, harmonica man, why DO they?

cathouse teri said...

I have one question:

Is the answer really blowing in the wind? And if it is, what does that say about your knowing it?

cathouse teri said...

Oh shit. That was two questions. Sorry. :)

Okay, one more question:

Why is love a battlefield? And why are there so many casualties?

cathouse teri said...

Oh shit. That was two again.

And to think, I work in accounting.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Know-it-All...

How do i get my sister to stop taking my clothes?!

Anonymous said...

Can I ask a question later, I can't think of any right now, except for this one?

Mooselet said...

Jennine - No jesting here! You still have to go to a pharmacy and ask for it, and answer some basic questions that amount to "are you sure you need it?" from the pharmacists but no prescription needed.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I added you to my blog link list. Because u are hilarious.

Jeff said...

mooselet - Ah... that explains that whole international codeine traffic problem we are experiencing. Your country is just plain irresponsible, there's no other way to say it ;-)

jennine - What about blogging? Did you have to sign anything about not blogging while you were high?

carlae - Well, considering it took me 5 months to answer the last batch, I'd say you have a little time.

sarah♥ - Thank you... u r too kind!

Jennine said...

Jeff, They didn't specify no blogging but he did say something about experiencing euphoric highs which probably explains the "I love The View From the Cloud" tattoo I got on my rear end while taking the codeine.

I'm still amazed by Mooselet's revelation.

Roger said...

If you had Boardwalk and I had Park Place, who would get the bigger share?

Elizabeth said...

How can I get a cheap ticket to Australia so I can get me some over the counter codeine??

Kathy at The Junk Drawer said...

Mr. Know-it-All cracks me the hell up. Tried Stumbling this post, but I think I've been banned from stumbling you because I stumble you too much. But that's because you're so stumble-worthy. Does Mr. Know-it-All know how I can get un-banned?

April said...

When will my kids get better taste in movies?

Jeff said...

jennine - Wow, that's a full service dentist!

kathy - The hell with Mr. Know-It-All... I'm fixing that problem now!

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

Now THAT is an intriguing solution to the leap year thing. If we stopped time would we stop growing old? Maybe we should all get on this once we get this election business behind us.

Corrina said...

Wow! Your "cough cocktail" was pretty, um... powerful! LOL However, it is hard to cough when you're in a coma!

Sarah said...

Mr. Know-It-All,

Could you help me? I'm having problems with my roommate. It's all described here:


Maureen said...

"Dear Maureen,
Don't worry about it, this often happens to someone in the presence of a big celebrity. And right now I'm bigger than Dear Abby. Of course I heard she's only a little over 5' tall, but still."

Well, sure. But Abby doesn't have antlers... or DOES she???

muskrat said...

still waiting to find out about the smelly balls. 5 mos is a long time.