Wednesday, October 08, 2008

The Poop Parade

I'm not one to forward or regurgitate email spam, but when one hits my in box that is so "me" that it makes me jealous I didn't write it myself, I feel like I have no choice but to share it with you.

You see, I'm a HUGE fan of poop humor. So much so that some of my very best posts over the last 3 years have been poop-tastic. In fact, before you read the rest of this one below, you might want to check out these quick stories which so clearly illustrate my passion for the poop - and why I find this spamage so far up my... alley?

Is that the only thing he ever writes about?

No really, it wasn't me

The Price of Fame

Poop - with class

PiP Squeak

Anyway, here's the email that made me chuckle. I have no idea who wrote this or when it first came out. But if you're the author, I tip my hat to you. You and I are definitely two pees in a pot.

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces t he amount of air tim e the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!

24 comments:

Sornie said...

At my previous job, people had the need to talk to me while I was in the stall after what always had been a particularly impressive Taco Tuesday. I was never in the mood to talk after eating a six-pack and a pound all by myself. Makes me sort of miss those Taco John's outings.

Poetikat said...

I am gasping with laughter!

A few things come to mind:

A Jerry Seinfeld bit about the water level rising and rising after a flush and how panicked you are until you see it go back down.

What about when the toilet won't flush and you have to leave your "business" behind and someone's waiting for your cubicle? What do you say then, all red-faced and indisputably the culprit?

What about those little ones that pop back up in the toilet even after you flush? Do you waste the water and flush again?

I confess. I was a Turd-burglar in another life. While drunk (once, you understand) I kicked open a stall cop-style and hit someone in the knees! I always look under the cubicle for tell-tale feet now.

Loved this post. Now I'm going to check out your earlier "poop-humour".

Kat

Jacki said...

Ha! I love it! I have to forward it to my Dad.

cathouse teri said...

I don't generally read about poop and farting. So I'm going to skip this one.

Thanks for sharing, though! I hope it helps a great many! :)

Jeff said...

sornie - I know. Some people have a lot of nerve. I wouldn't dream of talking to someone in the stall, yet it's happened to me too!

poetikat - A regular Cagney and Lacey huh? :-) Those are good ones. I'm especially wary of floaters.

jacki - I'm sure he'll thank you for that.

teri - So you're saying you don't have the same sense of humor as a 12 year old boy?

VE said...

Bwahahaha. Now I definitely could have written that one. How incredibly true. Oh, I'll even add an extra one:

The Framed. Those who have come in to pee to either discover a freshly stinking stall or somebody that leaves while you are peeing and then having somebody else come in while you are washing your hands. You know they are thinking you left the stink and nothing can be said...by either of you.

Michelle said...

I think my husband forwarded this one to me once... he's really the only one I can think of who might have done so.

And the Shirley Temple strikes me. I keep thinking about the MSP airport. And the toe tapping. And how maybe, just maybe, this list ought to be updated.

Jeff said...

VE - You should have taken credit for it. I would totally have believed it. And touché on "The Framed" one as well. Or should I say tooshie.

michelle - I agree. In fact if you haven't read it, you should check out this one. Wow, I'm really a link whore today aren't I?

Babs (Beetle) said...

I'm so glad ~I worked from home ha ha!

cathouse teri said...

Yep. Pretty much that's what I'm saying. :)

Jennine said...

"try using a CAMO COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE" has to be the best line ever written.

Oh my gosh this is hilarious!

Gette said...

Words fail me

Mooselet said...

Oh dearie me. I think I will forward this on to the Hermit, who deals with this sort of thing all the time. Definitely a guy subject.

Elizabeth said...

I don't have to worry about this because I'm a teacher and I never get a chance to go to the bathroom during the day!!

Skip DeKades said...

Isn't the Shirley Temple kind of risky? Didn't that get Larry Craig in trouble?

The Doozie said...

I'd like to respectfully add onto this

The Boneless Brown Trout, limit 6

Doug at taunt Vortex said...

There's one that I call the "Simul - splash".

If you've got good sphincter control, you wait to drop your load until the exact moment when someone else flushes a toilet or urinal.

Works well to avoid the embarassment of the Watermelon if you're not up to the Camo-Cough

Mrs. R said...

Too funny. These should be posted on the doors to all public restrooms as reminders.

Corrina said...

That was SO gross! LOL!

JD at I Do Things said...

Oh, these are hilarious. And thanks for providing a chance to revisit "Memory Poo Lane." Poetikat brought up one of my favorite poo fears: the rising toilet water. I'm not sure even a Camo-Cough could help that situation!

JD at I Do Things

April said...

As embarrassing as these may be, it's still not as bad as the guy at my work that I irrationally hate that boasted about going to a New Kids on the Block concert...last WEEK! Now that's shameful.

DFTF said...

ROLF! I might even pee my pants.

I wish I'd saved my poop posts on my last blog. Darn that impulsive delete. :-P

Anonymous said...

New Entry (1/13/2009)

TOILET VIPER: When some inconsiderate bastard leaves a log in the toilet without flushing, leaving the poor unsuspecting victim to stare into its evil eyes. Also known as a COBRA--when one end of the log has risen above the waterline and it looks like a cobra standing up ready to strike. If there is no evidence of paper use, this offense is punishable by dousing the offenders face in a HAVANA OMELET (see below)

Janna said...

This is so excellent I just sent it to my mother.

Mostly because we both work at the same place-- and we're the only two people who work there.

So it's hard to blame our bathroom "mishaps" on anyone else.