Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Holidays 2009

It's that time of the year again when most people pick up a new calendar so they can begin planning their next year's schedules and vacations.

But not you! Because you are lucky enough to be one of my US readers, you don't even have to leave your computer to find out what's happnin' in 2009 (sorry everyone else but I couldn't possibly do this for the whole world you know). Just bookmark this post and the next time you need to know what day a specific holiday falls on, simply click your way back here and you're good to go.

That's right. As my gift to you, I have put together this handy holiday reference guide to help you remember when to celebrate this year. And, as an added bonus, I've included some of my own unsolicited comments.

You're welcome!

*New Year's Day (Jan 1 - Thu) - or better known as "Holy Crap, Do I Have A Headache!" Day. This is the day upon which millions of new resolutions are launched in a renewed attempt to change ourselves for the better - for about a week.


*MLK Jr. Birthday
(Jan 19 - Mon) - One of the few holidays actually worth honoring someone over.


Groundhog Day (Feb 2 - Mon) - Harmless fun. Plus, nobody has to send a card or buy anything.

Valentine's Day (Feb 14 - Sat) - Women receive chocolate, flowers, jewelry, love notes and fine dining. Men receive - the bill.
(Hallmark fun fact: Behind Christmas, Valentines Day is their second biggest day of the year. An average of 190 million valentines are sent every year.)

*President's Day (Feb 16 - Mon) - Originally was just Washington's Birthday. Then they added Lincoln's birthday. Then they said, "let's just make it day to honor all presidents, good or lame!" I can never decide whether to honor Chester Arthur or Franklin Pierce, they were both soooo cool. Oh yeah, and sheets are on sale at Penneys!

Daylight Savings Time Begins (Mar 8 - 2am Sun) - Spring ahead!
The first day of hope that longer warmer days are coming. Joy!

St. Patrick's Day (Mar 17 - Tue) - More harmless fun, but why do these guys get their own holiday? Where's my Norwegian St. Olaf's Day? On second thought, green beer looks bad enough in the toilet. I don't think I want to see what the morning brings after a rousing night of lutefisk and lefsa.

April Fool's Day (Apr 1 - Wed) - Always hated it. Just another excuse for smart-asses to be jerks and call it a "joke".

Easter Sunday
(Apr 12 - Sun) - A day to celebrate the rising of Christ from the dead... with candy, bunnies and eggs.

Earth Day (Apr 22 - Wed) - A good cause AND no card required to boot!

Secretaries' Day (Apr 22 - Wed) - TOTALLY Hallmark-invented. Nuff said. *Update... As of last year, this day has now officially been renamed to... ready?.... Administrative Professionals Day. Whatever.

Arbor Day (Apr 24 - Fri) - Eh, bundle it into Earth Day. Except for a few Boy Scout troops I've never seen anyone give a crap about this one.

Cinco de Mayo (May 5 - Tue) - Just remember... NOT a day to drink a 5th of mayonnaise.

Mother's Day (May 10 - Sun), Father's Day (Jun 21 - Sun) and Grandparent's Day (Sep 13 - Sun) - I believe we should honor our parents and grandparents. And, a day to take them to dinner and tell them we appreciate them is a good idea - if you can get a reservation.
(Hallmark fun fact: Behind Christmas and Valentines Day, these holidays make up the next three reasons why Hallmark receives an average of $4 billion in net revenue each year, but who's counting.
Last year: Mother's Day - 155 million cards sent, Father's Day - 105 million)


*Memorial Day (May 25 - Mon) - Another respectable holiday worth recognizing. Plus, for us northerners (where all summer businesses go into hibernation after Labor Day), this is the weekend when all the cool places open up again.

Flag Day (Jun 14 - Sun) - The day to haul your flag out of your closet and put it on your house - or look like a jerk if you don't.

*Independence Day (Jul 4 - Sat) - Parades, picnics, beer, concerts and fireworks. Now that's a holiday!

*Labor Day
(Sep 7 - Mon) - Huh? This is one of those, "what exactly are we celebrating here?" kinds of holidays. Why don't they just call it what it is - the "Last Day of Summer" Day.

*Columbus Day (Oct 12 - Mon) - This of course has to be the dumbest "holiday" of them all. So remind me - why do federal employees get to have this day off again? And just how exactly are they supposed to be celebrating? Somehow I don't see our postal workers gathering around a shrine of ol' Chris and bowing in homage to him.

In fact, some people may argue that Columbus wasn't all he was cracked up to be. Here's a little blurb about Columbus I found on the internet - so, of course, it must be true:
  • Historically, Columbus was not the first to discover America, nor was he the first European to land at America. He was the first to exploit, kill, and enslave the Arawak Indians of Haiti. The myth of Christopher Columbus and the discovery of America is due to Washington Irving. His "biography" of Columbus was popularized in a dramatic and embellished account. In recent years, the holiday has been rejected by many people who view it as a celebration of conquest and genocide.
Ouch!

Halloween (Oct 31 - Sat) - Excellent reason for a holiday! Kids get to dress up, get tons of free candy and act goofy. Adults also have an excuse to head out to the bars for the night, drink tons of beer and act goofy.

Daylight Savings Time Ends (Nov 1 - 2am Sun) - Fall back!
The start of my favorite time of the year, you know, when it's dark when you wake up and dark when you get off work. Joy.


*Veterans Day (Nov 11 - Wed) - Hats off to all veterans. The odd thing about this holiday is that all federal employees get the day off even if they aren't veterans, while veterans who don't work for the government still have to punch in. Whose day is this again?

*Thanksgiving Day (Nov 26 - Thu) - Yum! I'm always thankful for a reason to stuff myself like a sausage, watch some football and fall into a coma on the couch. Too bad it only happens once a year.

Hanukkah (Dec 12-19 Sat-Sat) - The Festival of Lights.
A centuries old traditional Jewish holiday that somehow gracefully managed to escape the blight of commercialism.

*Christmas Day (Dec 25 - Fri) - This most sacred tradition is quickly being squashed by the secular whiny-babies. If this keeps up, what will we end up calling December 25 anyway? Holiday Day?
(Hallmark fun fact: An estimated 2.2 billion cards are sent for Christmas each year)

Kwanzaa (Dec 26-Jan 1 Sat-Fri) - Seven days to celebrate. Now THAT'S a party!

*Federal Holidays (aka days I don't get my mail)

31 comments:

mom said...

Yeah!!! I can be the first one to say what a wonderful, funny post. Loved it!!

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for your calendar. But I hope my husband still gets me the "Cute Overload" desk calendar I've been hinting about for the last month! :)

Jeff said...

mom - Being first is an honor and a responsibility you need to take very seriously. Now... can I get a w00t out of you?!

elizabeth - Holy crap... I can't believe you just caused me to go to their web site. How the hell do I get all that cute off me?

Jonny's Mommy said...

Here. Here on the Christmas comment. What the heck?! Don't say Merry Christmas. Say Happy Holidays. Then some chick name Holly will get all pissy and we'll have to say "Hey...have a happy...day.." like every day and there will be nothing special at all about it. Gosh I love your site. I have to get over here more often. And then there are the times I read and don't comment because I feel so inferior to your humor wisdom and those who read your blog who are also awesomely funny and enlightening. *sigh* Yeah, it's been a long day. I gotta go to bed.

unfinishedrambler said...

Presidents Day: I always preferred to honor Warren G. Harding myself. And no, I didn't even Google that one (this time). Columbus Day: Finished a book today, Hogfather by Terry Pratchett that said Columbus actually wasn't the first to discover America, but that the Chinese were thousands of years ago! Of course, it was fictional, but still makes you think...doesn't it?

People in the Sun said...

Groundhog Day is the day you get to say a "by the way" movie trivia comment that will make you the star of any Groundhog Day party:

Did you know that in the movie, the actor that plays the mayor of Punxsutawney is Bill Murray's brother?

Wait... searching for the town's name, I now realize he's more famous than I thought... You're running the risk of looking stupid if people know that. Be very careful!

Mitch McDad said...

Since Flag Day is my wife's B-day....that's the only holiday that matters in my house. All the rest of those don't even count.

I personally like Boxing Day....surprised you left that off since you live so close.

Babs (Beetle) said...

I think, for all the childless ladies out there I will invent Sisters day and Aunties day! maybe a 'Me' day. That'll give hallmark some more business ;O)

Heather said...

My birthday is May 1st, also an important holiday you left off the list.

May Day!

Also, my Aunt likes to call me and say: Hooray hooray it's the first of May, outdoor screwing begins today!"

So, you know, you need to make sure you have your screwdriver handy.

carlae said...

Wow that is so handy. I will definitely put you as a replacement calender on my blackberry.

Bill said...

You forgot that the most important important day of the year is a wife's birthday. Fortunately mine has figured out many ways to save my neck, should it even look like I may have forgotten.

JD at I Do Things said...

Dang. All these years I've been drinking a fifth of mayo on May 5. What a relief to know I don't have to do that anymore. I hate April Fool's Day too and refuse to acknowledge it, even while removing the raw egg from my chair (and seat).

Thanks for the calendar! Does it come in a wall size?

JD at I Do Things

Jacki said...

This is the best calendar I've seen!

I have never gotten the point of Secretaries Day. I mean, if you are going to honor Secretaries....then what about firemen, policemen, doctors, librarians, cashiers, doctors, trashmen, engineers....

April said...

I'm so with you on April Fool's Day.
As a former Secretary/Admin Assistant/whatever, I have to say, this holiday comes in useful when jerk bosses are forced to at least use one nicety at least once a year. Not that I'd know anything about it.

cathouse teri said...

I think drama and embellishment are behind most of the ideas we have inside our heads.

And regarding Flag Day, I don't own a flag ~ and besides, you could safely say that I look lame on each and every one of these listed days.

But this was a super cool gift and I love it! I really did bookmark it for reference, because ~ even though I don't personally celebrate much of anything (except life in general), I do live and work in a world that does. :)

Jeff said...

johnny's mommy - Gosh, I love your comment. Thanks!

unfinished rambler - It wouldn't surprise me if the Chinese were here first. And now they have all our money too!

people - I knew that about Brian Doyle-Murray when I first saw the movie but have since forgotten. So your trivia would have worked on me. ;-)

mitch - So I suppose you have to raise your flag on your wife's birthday eh?

babs - Good idea. I'm sure Hallmark could use the extra business, because you know... they haven't quite cornered the greeting card market yet.

heather - So on the day you were born someone cried, "May day! May day! Run for your lives! Heather has been born! ;b

carlae - Wow, how high tech. I just printed mine out and glued it to my cell phone.

bill - You mean like telling you... "Hey Bill, it's my birthday!" Yeah, that usually helps.

jd - I think this post is long enough to be wall sized already... if you have long enough paper that is. Also... glad you're off the mayonnaise. That stuff is a bitch on your arteries.

jacki - Exactly. But Hallmark is a master at creating guilt cards. If there's guilt to be had, there's a card for it.

april - Funny though how Boss day never quite took off huh? After 10 years of being a boss, I've never received even one card! :-(

teri - Well then... we should have a national "Celebrate Life!" day and everyone should get the day off (with pay) so we can p.a.r.t.y!!!

Sornie said...

Um, you're forgetting the Groundhog Day tree, the lights, the Groundhog Day potluck dinners and church functions. Then there's the annual sacrificing of a got at the endge of a volcano to appease the angry Groundhog Gods. GOD MAN! DO YOUR RESEARCH NEXT TIME!!!

Lidian said...

Thank you for the calendar, which I plan to adapt mentally (if i have the strength after the holidays!) for us Canadians (I'm American too, so do get all the jokes and so on).

We have something in August called Civic Holiday, which is merely an excuse for a three day weekend, we aren't even going to pretend it means something. I kind of like that. You need a little break around then anyway, really.

Maureen said...

Okay Jeff, those dates are all fine and good, but what REALLY makes a calendar are the pictures. Now how about a version with all your goofiest, er, funniest photos from the blog - one for each month?

Although it would be no good for me; we have too many different holidays up here ;)

But I still would love to see those photos.

Windyridge said...

Dead on about about Chris. Not a nice guy at all. A terrible person to be celebrating. Why we continue to promote the myth is beyond me.

cathouse teri said...

Jeff! That's every day in my life! :)

Drowsey Monkey said...

Thanks for the American history lesson! lol

Y'all celebrate thanksgiving so late, I blame the pilgrims.

Kathy said...

Hilarious and stumbled! My favorite? "Easter: A day to celebrate the rising of Christ from the dead... with candy, bunnies and eggs." I can totally see how they made the leap.

Jeff said...

sornie - Uh... thanks, but I think I'll pass. I get a little nervous about any pot luck that involves ground hog.

lidian - Maybe you can write a similar post for your Canadian holidays. I mean Boxing Day?... how cool is that?!

maureen - A View From The Cloud calendar eh? Cafe Press here I come!

Windy Ridge - We probably continue because govt gets the day off. Why would they want to change that? ;-)

teri - You ARE a party girl!

drowsey - We usually celebrate at around 3 in the afternoon. I don't think that's very late.

kathy - Exactly. And that's why they call it a leap of faith.

Michelle said...

Yeah, so I'm way late and behind in my reading. It's been one of those weeks. BUT you forgot one holiday -- the official kickoff of NFL football AND Super Bowl Sunday (which I think is Feb 7?).

Mom Thumb said...

Dude, what the hell? You totally left out Yom Kippur. I'm deeply offended.

VE said...

Daylight Savings Time Begins (Mar 8 - 2am Sun) - Spring ahead!
The first day of hope that longer warmer days are coming...

For you? In Minnesota? Bwahahaha... I love the optimism though.

Roger said...

Oh I am so with you on Veteran's Day, being one, I always wondered why my kids didn't have school, or I didn't receive mail, but still had to go to work.

Father's get screwed - 105 million to 155 million for moms - sheesh!

I love Columbus Day, just because that is my birthday, so I always got it off when I was in school.

You forgot to mention Sweetest Day and Boss' Day and Yellow Billed Canary Day, and...

Thank you for this fine service - glad to see that your time off didn't go to waste. :)

BeeHappy Laurence said...

Very funny ! :D

Brandon Snead said...

Please don't forget!

Tuesday, Feb 24 is Mardi Gras. The bead industry will crumble!

Dec 1 is World AIDS Day.

jupiter family said...

Happy New Year!
2009 Fireworks show

http://fireworks2009.blogspot.com/

http://vitas-vitas.blogspot.com/