Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Sleeping with one eye open

A few weeks ago Charli was going through some old paperwork when suddenly she blurted out a stream of startled gibberish.

"Oh my god!... I'm not!... you're not!... I don't!... you don't!..."

I came running into the kitchen to see what all the stammering was about.

"Honey," she squeaked. "I don't have any life insurance out on you. YOU'RE NOT INSURED!!! If you were to die right now I'd have nothing!"

With all that excitement I was expecting something much more dramatic, like she had finally found out I was secretly married to another woman with 5 kids in Miami. But this paled in comparison.

"Huh... sucks to be you," I said nonchalantly as I opened the fridge in search of some pickles.

Apparently that wasn't a satisfactory answer because within 5 minutes she was on the phone with our insurance agent setting up an appointment for me "AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!"

"Really?" I whined. "Now I have to go to some stupid office downtown and answer a bazillion stupid questions and have a stupid exam... all so you can cash in on my untimely death? Sounds like a GREAT deal to me!"

Again... not a good answer. And after the speech about how our children were at risk that very moment of not being provided for, I was suddenly signed up to begin the process of becoming life-insured. Or death-insured - whichever way you want to look at it. Either way the whole concept boils down to nothing more than placing a bet that I'll expire before she does.

Not that the process isn't a total blast. I mean who doesn't like filling out reams of paperwork, answering ridiculously personal questions about your health, getting blood drawn, peeing in a cup (ok, that part was fun) and having an EKG done? I know I do!

But I suppose I should stop complaining, I know it's for the best. And of course my family will benefit should I suddenly get hit by a bus. Or fall down the stairs. Or choke on a turkey sandwich.

Or suffocate inexplicably while I'm sleeping.

31 comments:

Anonymous said...

Jeff,

Finally delurking to tell you that I enjoy your blog. Charli is right to be concerned. You just never know. My husband died 4 years ago and, without his life insurance, a tragedy would have been made worse. Because he planned for the unexpected, I've been able to keep the house and help our kids with college expenses. Believe me, my husband complained long and loud about the inconvenience of the exams but, all things considered, it's a minor inconvenience. By the way, I took out a like amount of insurance on me in case he was the one left behind. Hope it doesn't happen for you, but it's best to be prepared. But you know all that, right?

Elizabeth said...

I thought you were going to be frozen when you die. How does life insurance work then? I mean, are you really dead? Would you have to pay the money back in 100 years when they are able to bring you back? Just wondering. :)

Heather said...

Don't you have insurance through your employer? I used to have a great policy through one of my first "real" jobs. Too bad the rest of the environment stunk. Craig should have offed me right away after the wedding before I changed jobs.

April said...

Just make sure your other wife and kids don't find that policy!

Bill said...

A man I grew up with came in from shoveling two days ago and dropped dead in the kitchen. That was scary, but at least his wife did not have to make lunch.

Drowsey Monkey said...

Yes, fill in the paperwork because it is important. But ... I'd be keeping my eye on her too. Remember Double Indemnity? Good movie. Just sayin'

Dan said...

Check your brake pipes every morning, that's my advice.

I'm hoping that if Kerry goes she does so whilst at work. that way she'll be covered by life insurance twice and I'll be able to grieve from my luxury villa on a greek island somewhere.

carlae said...

After my brother in law died unexpectedly earlier this year I experienced the trauma my sister went through with the life insurance. His work had life insurance on him which was a huge relief to my sister. I've had Life at past jobs but, even in a very large company it was cancelled because not enough subscribers. The good note, both Mitch and I have life insurance now and it makes me mad that I won't be around to help him spend all that money, or vice versa.

Ed (zoesdad) said...

Elizabeth makes a very good point.

Prefers Her Fantasy Life said...

I'd be careful of what else might be in that jar of pickles.

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

My wife must truly love me, because she could probably bail out one of the Big 3 Auto makers if I died.

Oh crap. Now I've got to be constantly looking over my shoulder for hitmen from Detroit. Curses!

Jeff said...

anon - Thanks for breaking your silence and leaving this comment. I'm very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how hard that must be. And you're right... I do know that having insurance is best. I just like making fun of it ;-)

elizabeth - Good question. As if being frozen and reanimated wasn't complicated enough eh? I'll consult my frozen head lawyer immediately.

heather - I do have work insurance too, but it's merely a pittance of what Charli's going for. I think my work insurance covers the cost of the obit in the paper.

april - No worries... I have a separate policy out for them.

bill - Whose wife makes her husband's lunch? Oh wait...

drowsey - Exactly. I've started to notice my soup has been tasting a little off lately too. Should I be concerned?

dan - If that happens let me know and I'll come down to comfort and aid you in your time of sorrow.

carlea - I know... it's a no-win for at least one of us.

ed - She's always thinking about being frozen, being that she lives in Alaska and everything.

fantasy life - That's why I only buy the miniature dills. They're much harder to tamper with.

doug - That's what I'm saying. Watch your soup and pickles my friend.

Bob said...

The actuall insurance cover is now understood by people. But yet they are not able to realize its importance and take over it. But don't know actually what they are waiting for?

Jeff said...

bob - Normally I delete spam comments... but this one is actually too funny to delete. Come on everyone, let's click on Bob's name and give his site some lovin!

Babs (Beetle) said...

Oh! You made me click that link!

I always have the minimum insurance cover, you know just to cover the expenses and pay the mortgage off. Nobody would actually get rich on it. Safer that way ;O)

kc said...

So she still doesn't know about the other wife and 5 kids, then?

I have a couple of policies with different beneficiaries. It's more fun that way. ;-)

Maureen said...

Your lawyer is a frozen head???

(actually, that is probably an improvement)

And don't joke about falling down stairs. I did me some of that today...

Roger said...

Here's to hoping that you do not perish anytime soon, and that the money will be something your grandkids can look forward to. I also hope that Charli has insurance as well - I mean she probably love peeing in a cup even more than you did. :)

Lookit that, I'm all caught up now (with you at least). You may write again. ;)

Roger said...

Oh man, I just read your Dad's comment. Too funny. I mean it's sad about the man dying, but the no lunch comment made me choke on a sunflower seed. :)

Roger said...

Thanks for sending me to Bob - I mean my life isn't the same without a ????? - you'll just have to click to see, because I am not going to ruin it for everyone else. :)

Sorry for posting three comments, I don't know what came over me.

By the way, Charli doesn't know anyone named Guido now, does she? You know the "sanitation worker" because that might not be a healthy relationship, for you. Okay, me and morbid don't always get along too well. :)

Elizabeth said...

I clicked on Bob's name and when I saw what was on his site I was so confused! I thought Bob was your dad!! But then I remembered it's Bill, Bill is your dad.

LOBO said...

I don't know why, but Humor Blogs has totally shut down my voting based on IP. I got one vote today and got banned.

This really made me laugh, and now I'm in a crappy mood.

I O U one vote.

Marvel Goose said...

So you are expecting the old pillow over the nose trick? Have Charli read the fine print, if it's a suspicious death that requires a coroner it could take a long time to collect. That should keep you alive a little while longer until she has a chance to research untraceable poisons.

I figured out that I was worth more dead than alive. I drop that in occasionally after we pay bills and she always freaks. Call it payback for filling out all those forms...

The Doozie said...

Yeah...quit yer bitchen, sounds like you got a free physical all for the price of your....uh...family offing you for money? good stuff

Mom Thumb said...

About the time we moved to Duluth, my MasterCard offered me a million dollar life insurance on Randy for ten bucks a month, if he died in an accident, which I was sure was going to happen because he drove to Superior every day on ice and snow. I wanted enough to be able to move back south. I actually still have that policy. So I guess if he dies in an accident now, I'll look up Dan on that Greek island and have a drink with him.

Jeff said...

babs - Admit it... you thought that link was funny too. ;-)

kc - Oh thanks for spilling the beans. I was hoping she wouldn't catch that.

maureen - Yikes! I hope you're ok. Falling down stairs ain't a fun as it used to be.

roger - Welcome back! Hope you had fun at Disney World. :-)
Actually, she does know a guy named Guido... and he does work in sanitation! Well, more like janitation, but still. Now I should be sleeping with TWO eyes open!

elizabeth - Please... never ever ask me to associate my dad with Bob's products. Please.

lobo - I'm glad you liked it :-) And I see you came back and voted. Thanks!

marvel goose - Thanks for stopping by! I see by your profile that you're 252 years old. I hope you haven't been spending money on a life ins policy all these years.

doozie - This physical is only the beginning. Once my cholesterol results come back THEN you'll hear my bitchen!

mom thumb - I know a guy who knows a guy, you know... if you want to speed up the vacation. I'm just saying.

Jen - Queen of Poo said...

I live in denial. Probably not smart. I have no idea if my husband has life insurance or not. (I think he does.) Death. If I don't think about it, it won't happen. Right?

Karen MEG said...

Don't let Charli know that your other wife has a policy to cover your 5 kids in Florida, or she'll REALLY be pissed :)

Whit said...

I don't have life insurance either. I figure my family struggling each day to make it should something happen to me will just show them how important I really was. Maybe then they'll appreciate me. Maybe.

JD at I Do Things said...

Thank goodness you documented all this in a public blog. Now we ALL will know what to do if something suspicious happens to you.

Hey, you like to pee in cups, too?

JD at I Do Things

Michelle said...

Oops. Just make sure not to die in the next 30 days or however long it takes for the coverage to take effect :)

So how exactly did she suddenly discover that you wren't covered anyway?