Friday, December 26, 2008

You can't make this stuff up

Last night we headed up to my parent's house for Christmas, and when we arrived they had a present waiting for me...

...a new blog post! Thanks mom and dad, I really needed one!

Apparently some friends of theirs wanted to go to Hawaii on vacation and didn't have anyone to babysit their dogs. Since Bill and Lois are so easily manipulated kind, they agreed to take care of their 2 little Yorkies for 2 weeks while they were gone. No big deal, right?

Nope, no big deal... unless you are asked to conform to a list of requirements even the writers of SNL couldn't have dreamed up.

Like the title says - you can't make this kind of thing up. Here are the actual printed instructions that were left with my parents on the care and feeding of their widdle pwecious wubby wooby moochums:

(you absolutely must click to enlarge)




















Just a few highlights in case you missed them...
  • If they need to go out earlier, they will woof at you or Lady will lick your face

  • Measure 1/2 cup soft dogfood. Add abt. 1 T. water. Microwave for 16-17 seconds.

  • Indy's blue bowl is on the right, Lady's pink bowl on LEFT.

  • If you walk, Lady always has to be on the right.

  • Always put the leash on Indy first.

  • I don't trust her not to piddle somewhere.

  • Indy would rather not sleep in the kennel and would love to sleep with you, but you don't have to let him.

  • HAVE FUN!
I'm not saying these people pamper their dogs or anything. I mean if your dogs were smart enough to be able to tell the difference between pink and blue food dishes, wouldn't you treat them a little extra special too?


*** UPDATE ****

After reading JerryChicken's comment, my dad burst out in laughter because guess what... the owners also provided a bag of ribbons and little outfits for when they "go outside." My parents were told they could change the ribbons if they wanted.


No really, you can't make this up.

53 comments:

Doug at Taunt Vortex said...

Eh, what's the saying? "No good deed goes unpunished?"

Hope your parents survive the 2 weeks without resorting to making "Yorkie Burgers".

Merry Christmas, by the way.

jerrychicken said...

Coming from Yorkshire I should really show some compassion to Yorkshire Terriers, but guess what - I won't :)

They are known as "old ladies lapdogs" here and invariably have small pink or blue ribbons tied to the top of their heads, I suspect that they are born with ribbons in their hair.

absepa said...

Good grief! That's a lot of responsibility to palm off on someone who's not a family member or paid professional dog boarding service. Your parents must be wonderful people.

Gette said...

We'll be lucky to remember to throw some food at the neighbor's cats.

(my word verification is slesend. Any relation to a slestack??)

Kathy said...

I'm in hysterics over this, not only because it's a ridiculously long list of demands, but because I've done it myself for my cats. I'm embarrassed that I did it. My family probably ignored the list and just made sure the cats were breathing, threw food in a bowl and left. So are your parents doing all that was asked? God bless 'em if they are.

Bill said...

I admit that the instructions are extreme, but they come from people that raeally love their pets. Actually the owners gave us a very high compliment entrusting us to babysit their dogs, that they love so much. Most pet owners will understand that you cannot lock pets in a cage for two weeks, when you love them,. and they love you. I think true love is a brief glimpse of the supernatural. The owners have called three times to check, so I am following all instructions. My primary goal is keeping both dogs safe and alive. Imagine explaining anything bad happening to animals loved so much.

Curtis said...

I laughed inside because I am at work and probably not supposed to be reading blogs anyway...

Then I thought about it some more and realized I can be just as picky about certain things (not pets.. things like my car, my computer, my guitar, etc.)

But Bill and Lois are such generous people that it came as no surprise to read that they agreed to care for the pets.

Merry Christmas Jeff and please pass along my greetings to the rest of your family!

April said...

I would've said something snide, but then I read your dad's comment. Your dad rocks.

Jeff said...

doug - Congratulations Doug, you just quoted a Bill-ism - and one I've yet to capture yet! I thought I'd caught them all. Thanks!

jerrychicken - Way too funny, especially considering that the owners left them a bag of ribbons to put in their hair. See the new updated picture I put up just for you.

absepa - Yes, they are. More wonderful than I would be ;-)

gette - I'm with you. Probably why no one has ever asked me to babysit their pets.

kathy - Um... yeah... sure they are. They've done everything to the letter. Right.

bill - Knock it off dad... you're screwing up my sarcasm.

curtis - Will do. Thanks for the comment Curtis. Merry Christmas to you too!

april - No... don't hold back now! Just ignore him and let out the snide.

Mom Thumb said...

Your parents are saints. When we got Jess a poodle for Christmas, she stayed with your folks for a night. Actually, Lois called me on Christmas Eve and said I wasn't going to get her back!

Curtis, WTH, you're commenting and it's not on MY blog!

Elizabeth said...

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me ;)

VE said...

Can you dye them black, get them nose piercings and shave "EMO" onto their sides?

I didn't see that on the list...

Too damn funny, Jeff!

ps - I hear they work great as a football...just don't punt indoors

Mulled Vine said...

I hope you followed the instructions to the letter. Little pooches can suffer severe psychological damage at any slight change of routine. They might need the Dog Whisperer!

;-)

Michelle said...

Wow. Your mom and dad sound like mine... who watch their neighbor's untrained Scottie on a VERY regular and lengthy (and now expected) basis. Tee hee!

so are they at least nice dogs? Or as nice as stupid yappy dogs can be?

I sure hope your parents get a nice present for two weeks of this!

Merry Christmas

PS Just to clarify - I am a VIKINGS fan, not Bears. You misread my comment on backing into the playoffs (meaning losing and still getting in rather than winning and having some positive momentum to go into the playoffs).

unfinishedrambler said...

Parents are the best for providing blog posts. I think I have a few after going to visit mine for Christmas yesterday too, but yours...it's going to be hard to top.

I especially like the times they were told when they could go outside. Was that for the dogs or for your mom and dad? :)

Katybeth said...

My business is caring for other people's pets and really I love my clients but I have to tell you this set of instructions does not even come close to being over the top--I once had a client who called her dog 3 times every single day she was gone, when the pup heard her voice, he started to bark--when "he was done" the client would tell me what the dog said I was doing right and what I must to differently, to please him.
Of-course, I was paid....but trust me not enough!

Windyridge said...

Incredible! Now I understand why there is market for catered doggie birthday parties and why there is dog ice cream etc.

Heather said...

I don't think I left as detailed instructions when I left my kids with my parents for the weekend.

Jeff said...

mom thumb - Now that I've met the little rodents, I don't think they're too bad. I can certainly tell Bill is becoming attached.

elizabeth - Uh... ya, me too!

ve - Do you think the owners would notice? (pssst... don't say anything that the only time they put the ribbons on their heads so far is for the picture I took today)

mulled vine - Don't worry. I'm sure their pet psychologist will be able to determine exactly what they went through.

michelle - You're right about the Vikings/Bears thing, I did misunderstand you. The whole situation was confusing in the first place. I mean what sane person would ever want to root for the Packers - for ANY reason! ;-)

unfinished rambler - That was for mom and dad - including who put the collar on first. Weird huh?

katybeth - Thank you for this hysterical comment. I'm sure you're not able to write about these things on your business blog. But if you had a private/personal one I'm guessing you'd have TONS of material!

windyridge - And dog psychics. Although it sounds like Katybeth knows one personally. ;b

heather - LOL... I loved the 16-17 seconds in the microwave thing. That's just so bizarre to me that anyone would be that specific. What's wrong with "warm it up?"

Shieldmaiden96 said...

The people I dogsit for regularly used to give me a full handwritten sheet of instructions with cute cartoons hand drawn at the top along with measuring cups and 9 different kinds of treats. Now they trust that I know the 'procedure'. The funniest part about them is that since they live in a very, very rural area, they'd just leave their back door OPEN and prop it with an iron doorstop. On their last trip I was given instructions re: what to do if I got there and the bear (not A bear, THE bear) was in the house. It didn't involve chucking the smallest dog at it and running like hell, but that was my plan.

Brent Diggs said...

Truth is truly stranger than fiction. Merry Christmas

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who didnt think that was too crazy?

Helena said...

Forgive me, but that doesn't sound completely horrible to an insane dog-lover like me. The dress-up thing is always ridiculous, and, in my opinion, inhumane, but the directions don't seem too far-fetched. (Two more seconds in the microwave and a little Yorkie might have their tongue burned.)

Anonymous said...

It scares me that you and so many of your commenters think this list is over the top. It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Dogs are complex creatures who develop preferences and habits just like people do. Why is it so strange to take that into account? I'm baffled.

Kathy said...

OK, Jeff. I dug back in my email archives and found the list of duties I sent to my family for watching our cats while Dave and I were away in Paris. Here is only part of it:

FOR ANN & REGAN (Playtime with Lucky)

He enjoys the following:

Chasing hard food pieces thrown one at a time across kitchen floor.
Play with sock.
Play with stuffed blood droplet.
Cover him with blanket, and pull it across the floor with him on top of it.
*** Do NOT let him play with something he can eat and swallow. No elastic, no twist ties, no plastic, no gift-wrap ribbon.

You can try playing with Stinky, but she's probably not interested. Since she might hiss at Regan, Ann could just try petting her?

Your payment is in an envelope in the refrigerator. Lucky eats paper, that's why it's there.

Jeff said...

shieldmaiden96 - Funny! How many different kinds of treats were you supposed to give the bear?

brent - Welcome back! You're like the ghost of Christmas past ;-)

anon 12:37 - Probably around here. All my friends ARE crazy! ;b

Helena - I agree... to the dog owner this is not horrible at all. But to the non dog-owning, humor-writing son of a dog sitter... this is pure gold!

anon 5:24 - Don't be scared. We're just having some fun around here. However... don't ask me to sit for your dog either!

kathy - Thanks Kathy. Only a truly insane pet owner would go to the trouble to dig up proof that she was truly insane. That's why we love you.

annof thejunkdrawerblogfamily said...

Jeff, that list that Kathy dredged up is absolutely legit. Regan actually threw the food one at a time across the floor, and used the blanket as directed. I remember putting the mail in the fridge, because, of course, Lucky eats paper.

Jeff said...

ann - That list is just too funny for words. But what the hell is a "stuffed blood droplet?" I think Kathy needs to write this one up. She has some 'splainin to do!

yellojkt said...

I had a typewritten sheet of instructions for dogsitters, but it was nowhere near that anal-retentive. Those dogs have their owners completely puppy-whipped.

Kathy said...

Jeff -- The "stuffed blood droplet" was Lucky's favorite toy at the time. It was a stuffed... well, blood droplet (with little white arms and legs) that my sister gave me from a time she gave blood. I guess in addition to cookies, they give you toys if you bleed for them.

@ann -- Thanks for playing a little with Lucky. I never found the courage to ask if anyone in the family did as directed.

Bill Vincent said...

I understand pampering a pet, but when the pet begins to run your life, or indeed BE your life, you need to step back...it's an animal...no matter how much you're anthropomorphizing it, it's an animal. I love my pets, too, but they're pets, and their needs do not not come before the needs of the humans in the house, and the pets do not make the rules.

Maureen said...

Ha! Yes, those pet owners chose well... I doubt anyone would give those two little furballs better care than your parents.

I've never been that obsessed, but I have had far more cats than dogs; and they are far more self-sufficient.

I would be way too nervous to dog sit those two!

JD at I Do Things said...

I don't understand your problem. When we go away, my mom gets very similar typed-up lists for our cats. Gus will only eat from the left side. Prudence can only be brushed on the top half of her body. Gus needs to be stretched and moved every hour. Prudence gets to use the box WHILE you are trying to clean it.


JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

yello - As opposed to cat owners you mean? Clever.

kathy - I've been giving blood for years and have never received any gifts. I want my blood back! I still think you need to write about your list ;-)

bill vincent - I'm with you... but I'm pretty sure you'd need a lawyer if you tried to state your case in pet court.

maureen - No kidding! I mean what if you accidentally fed them out of the wrong colored bowl? Oh the horrors!

jd - So does moving Gus involve any hydraulics or heavy machinery?

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Oh. Holy. Crap.

LOBO said...

Congrats!!!!

:)

Karen MEG said...

Those are hilarious ... ribbons included LOL!!!

All the best to you and your family in the new year. You keep us laughing, I love it!

Anonymous said...

A small task, to be sure. I am currently house-sitting a zoo. There's no way these pets could be taken care of in my own home or by visiting the house a couple of times a day. There are 4 grown Aussies, 2 yorkies, a parrot, a maccaw, a cat & three fish tanks.

Each dog has his/her own bowl which I don't get in this situation because they play musical bowls based on the certainty that the other dog has better food in his/her bowl. Each dog gets a fish oil gel pill in his/her food & the old bitch gets a glucosamine pill, crushed or she will eat around it. They ALL eat around the fish oil gel pills but I ain't puncturing one of those nasty, pungent things...again.

The parrot is plotting my death. I feed her by removing the food & water bowl from outside of the cage through 2 little trap doors. I have to jingle a toy from the top of the cage to distract her while, one handed, I open the trap door & obtain the food/water bowls. Same process for returning the food/water bowls.

The maccaw has a beak that could be used as a surgical instrument & as long as I sing her name softly while I obtain her food bowls, I can actually open the cage door to obtain them.

I haven't tried it yet, though, & due to the lack of trap doors for her bowls, I filter her food through the cage bars into her bowl & I use a funnel to fill her water bowl.

The yorkie is epileptic & I have to medicate her food with 3 ml of pink medicine that must be kept refrigerated. I dreamed I left the medication out of the fridge overnight & then gave it to her. I've no idea what would happen if I actually did that, but the dream keeps me cognizant of NOT doing it. She gets her food by the bedside with the nightstand on the right hand side because that's where her bed is (under the nightstand) & she won't eat it if placed anywhere else. I tried feeding her in the kitchen one morning & she snorted & waddled away in a huff. Yes, she really snorted. Or, she may have sneezed, but it sounded like a snort. I have to medicate her twice a day, once around 6:30 a.m. & again around 6:30 p.m. I overslept Saturday morning & missed the schedule but she is still alive & I've not had to use a tongue depressor on her.

The cat is easiest of all. Food in her bowl & stay out of her way or get cursed in cat language.

The other yorkie is mine & I'm hardly aware of him in this brood because his needs are minor. Food, water, available toys, sleep & knowing what the hell I am doing at any given time & he's fine.

I only remembered to water the plants today. Eeeek!

I don't have to worry about ribbons & I thank God for small favors.

And you're right. You cannot make this stuff up. My regards & empathy to your parents.

In pet-sitting fellowship,

Robyn

Jeff said...

jenny - Yes they do... about 4 times a day.

lobo - Wow, thank you for the award, that's quite an honor! And 2 nominations in one day even!
... ahem... I'd like to thank all my supporters, my family, my friends, and most of all the academy - for believing in me when no one else did. *sniff*

karen - Thanks! And Happy New Year to you too! And ditto on the laughs right back at ya. :-)

robyn - Thank you for the most awesomest comment ever. That is extremely funny. Now, where if YOUR blog?

Jonny's Mommy said...

Oh no! Please stop! This is hilarious! I can not stop laughing! I can not believe those people! My husband freaked out when I wanted our dog (chihuahua, jack russell mix) to have a little sweater on in the winter (only happened once mind you), and would freak if I dressed him up all the time!

God bless your parents

Jonny's Mommy said...

Your dad's comments are the best. He sound so much like my own dad!

Drowsey Monkey said...

Oh they are adorable and they deserve all that special treatment. I say this as a lady who's cats have a blog!

And ... I used to work as a dog walker .. full time. NOTHING surprises me when it comes to dog care! LOL

Bill said...

Three hour piss calls are not close enough. I wonder if we can sell a leopard spotted carpet on E-Bay? Might pee sure was an understatement!

cathouse teri said...

The definition of insanity, that.

Boggles the mind.

I once was temporarily housing a dog (a beautiful little miniature pinscher) so that our male (a horrible and wretched yet handsome miniature pinscher) could mate with her. She absolutely fell in love with me. I had to shut the bedroom door to keep her from sleeping with me. In the morning, my (ex)husband would get up and let her in and she would take a flying leap onto the bed, land on my chest and while I was still in shock over that her tongue would go directly into my mouth! Every single time. Every single morning.

There were no instructions.

Jeff said...

Johnny's Mommy - So you're saying he wouldn't be inclined to dogsit those pups? ;-) Regarding my dad... please don't encourage him. You don't know what he's capable of.

Drowsey - "... they deserve all that special treatment." Hmmm, is the air thinner up there in Canada? ;b

Bill - Those little clean spots on your carpet are the only place I'll sit anymore!

teri - Wow, french kissing doggy style every morning. And don't you dare reply to this. You KNOW this is a family show. ;b

Jacki said...

Uhhh...I don't think parents leave those kinds of detailed instructions when they send their kids off to the grandparents for the weekend! Crazy!

When my parents watch Emma for an extended period of time we are just happy if she gets fed. :-)

Michelle said...

Oh, I wasn't rooting FOR the Pack, I was rooting AGAINST the Bears. There's a very subtle difference, but one must employ it when two teams one detests play each other!

Roger said...

We have friends (well actually it's just Kathy) that have a dog a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, that I swear she treats better than her own kids - and the kids know it. She doesn't seem to care though.

Jeff said...

Jacki - Plus, I'm guessing you don't provide your parents with a bag full of assorted ribbons to put in her hair.

Michelle - LOL! Are we still discussing this? I didn't understand it the first time we talked about it 2 weeks ago. ;b

Roger - That's probably because the dogs don't talk back, or ask for money, or make you late for things, or need ride to places, or leave the milk out, or smash up their cars, or... wait - what have I been missing all these years!

Tim said...

LOL Over Christmas, I saw my father in law's instruction sheet he had prepared to let someone else feed the birds. We are talking wild birds, and he feeds them several pounds of seeds and suet per day in six feeders in the yard. His instructions were just as complicated, including times of day certain birds would arrive etc. He made several copies and laminated them to make sure they couldn't get lost.

Sarah♥ said...

Holy Fuck.. that his FUNNY

Jeff said...

Tim - How could anyone resist not saying, "that list is for the birds!" Uh oh... I just sounded like my dad there.

Sarah♥ - Glad you liked it!

Tony Single said...

Good grief... I think I'd need a holiday myself if I had to follow a labyrinthine set of instructions like that!

Nope, much better to put them to work by using them as mop heads. Teach those layabouts what work and responsibility mean, I reckon! :p