Sunday, January 04, 2009

Mr. Know-It-All

Hey everyone... it's that time again!

I've answered your questions before, and yet you still continue to keep asking them. All I can say is... be careful what you ask for!

Once again, we have a TON of questions to get through. So let's get started!

* * * * *

The first two questions were along the same lines, so I've answered them both with one answer.

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How do you know it all? How can I know it all??
- Regan

AND...

What don't you know, and how will you learn it?
- Mom Thumb

Dear Regan and Mom Thumb,
People often ask me how I so easily come up with all my answers, and the answer to that is simple. Like any qualified researcher or scientist, I use tools. And in my case, I use a sophisticated query processor I built myself way back in 1990 using two of the most powerful answer engines available at the time.

Magic 8086-Ball Processor (TM)

Since then I've found that no other resource - whether it be hardware, software, or webware - has been able to match my success rate of providing non-contestable answers to any question thrown my way.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Where are my keys? Also, why are so few people that I actually would like to reconnect with on Facebook?
- Heather

Dear Heather,
First of all, I have your keys. Don't ask. Secondly, Facebook has an algorithm built into it to automatically bombard you with friend requests from everyone you've ever met - EXCEPT the people you really want to meet! It's all part of their attempt to get you to stay online longer and therefore be exposed to their ads for a longer period of time. Pure genius actually.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How can the poop rules be applied to a public restroom as opposed to a work restroom?
- Mooselet

Dear Mooselet,
First of all, thank you for this question. I can't tell you how thrilled I am that someone has asked about poop. As most of my readers know, this is one of my favorite and most-published topics. You are obviously referring to this post where I describe in detail the best way to approach pooping in an office restroom in order to avoid the embarrassments that naturally ensue.

I think you'll find that nearly all of these tips are easily transferable to public restroom usage. But just in case you don't trust yourself to remember these crucial details, I will be happy to send you a laminated card complete with every tip listed on this sheet.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How is it that my husband is only 6 years older than me (technically 5 1/3 but really six), yet we have such different memories of childhood?
- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
Well technically, you should have different memories of childhood - unless you and your husband were conjoined twins as children. However, there are two main reasons why this would be unlikely:
1. You are several years apart. The odds of your mother giving birth to only half of you while keeping the other half in her uterus for 6 years are very low.
2. Most conjoined twins who are separated as children rarely marry later on. I've only heard of one documented case and it was from Arkansas.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Do you guys use studded tires in Minnesota?? And... Frosting or icing, which do you say?
- Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,
No, studded tires on automobiles have been outlawed because of the damage they do to the roads. However, studs are allowed on the following lighter types of rubber-ridden machines used in Minnesota during the winter:
- snow blowers
- motorcycles
- walkers
- unicycles
- prophylactics

Regarding the frosting/icing issue... we say "frosting" for the cake, and "icing" for the penalty.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
How did I ever manage to produce a son, with such a terrific sense of humor?
- Mom

Dear Mom,
Umm... remember when we had that awkward talk when I was 14 and YOU were supposed to be the one who explained everything to ME, but it ended up that I did all the explaining to you? Do we need to go over this again?

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
You seem to be quite an authority on bathroom etiquette, so I am asking your opinion. Because many men enjoy wearing a wig and female clothing, should they use the mens or ladies washroom?
- Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,
Technically, you men should use the unisex or family restroom (preferably when there are no families in it), but if you men must insist on using a designated restroom, this newly created alternative should serve your their purpose just fine.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

We've all heard of String Theory but it's difficult to fathom. Can you help me fathom it?
- Jennine

Dear Jennine,
Believe it or not, I actually struggled with this one. Even my patented Magic 8086-Ball Processor couldn't churn out a good answer. So, being stumped as to how to solve this complex issue, I turned to the 2nd most infallible source of factual finding (after me) ... Wikipedia! I didn't feel so bad when even they didn't trust their findings.

Bottom line, you can read about what they said about it here. But if you ask me, it'll always be a mystery how they figured this out.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Where can I get some codeine?
- JD

Dear JD,
I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there's no way I can tell you how to buy illegal substances on this blog. It is from people like Kathy where I learned my blogging ethics.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,

Why do my neighbors get mad that I don't answer the door yet don't punish their stupid kid for knocking on my door and running away 50 times a day? Daily, for the past year? Am I supposed to open the door every single time just in case it's Stupid Kid's lazy dad wanting to borrow my phone? Because he'd rather spend his unemployment check on new subwoofers for his truck than on his phone bill?
- Memarie Lane

Dear Marie,
I worry that you're not fully communicating your feelings about this issue. It's a well known fact that harboring your emotions inside will only lead to stressful and angry feelings. Do yourself a favor and try to let it out.

Now, that being said, my recommendation is to go next door and give that boy and his father a big giant hug. Let them know that you're there for them. Tell them how you understand their concerns. Offer them your support. But most of all, remind them that if their bratty kid knocks on your door one more time you're going to blow like a shaken champagne bottle.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
LCD, DLP or Plasma? Also, what is a Black Cow? Why is it called that?
- Roger

Dear Roger,
I give blood on a regular basis, but I've been thinking about giving plasma because they actually pay you for the stuff! But I have no idea what type of contraption they would need to get LCD or DLP out of you - so my recommendation is to go with the plasma.

Regarding the Black Cow... I can't say it any better than this guy. Plus, he brings up an excellent question - what the hell flavor was the Pink Cow supposed to be? All I can remember about those is that they sucked.

* * * * *

Oh my... there were so many excellent questions last time that I'm going to have to split this into two posts. I'm really sorry Father Muskrat... you're just going to have to wait. But in the meantime, I suggest you wear one of those pine tree air fresheners in your pants.

* * * * *

Normally, advice of this caliber is very expensive. If you feel you've received value for this service, please offer a small payment in the form of a smile. Thank you!

23 comments:

VE said...

FIRST!

VE said...

Ok...now that distinguished part is out of the way...dang, you really do know it all. I think I'll start a series as your alter-ego, Mr. Know-it-Not. Could be fun...

Elizabeth said...

Wow, studded tires are against the law! And you guys get so much snow and ice. They probably don't salt the roads then either, do they?

Heather said...

About the keys...why don't you just keep them, now that I know where they've been.

Kathy at The Junk Drawer said...

Hey! How'd I get sucked into this? What'd I do?

Jeff said...

VE - I thought that's what your blog was about already. OH! Bouya!!!!

Elizabeth - Yes, they use plenty of salt on the roads here. Why do you think we have such a thriving new car business?

Heather - I told you not to bring it up. But since you insist... I borrowed your car the last time I was going through Rochester on my way to La Crosse when my car was acting up - and I just forgot to give them back when I returned it on the way home. You didn't know about that?

Kathy - What do you mean? I referenced you as a role model in this post. What's wrong with that?

Michelle said...

I smiled. Phew! These always are some interesting posts.

But what happened? Did you just post two days in a row, or did I lose a day? I had it all figured out after that very clear post and now I'm confuseled.

Roger said...

Thank you so much for keeping me in part one, now I know that my question has been answered, as opposed to, waiting for part two. Every one knows that sequels aren't as good as the originals.

Mulled Vine said...

I would like to set up a rival blog. How much you want for your super computer?

Does the wit plugin come bundled or do I have to provide that myself?

absepa said...

"Shemen"--I love it! There was a, um, partially transgendered individual at my old job who insisted on using the ladies' room, even though said individual was not technically a lady. It would have been really helpful to have a shemen restroom.

Tony Single said...

Good heavens... my eyes! My eyes! The humanity and my brain!

*ahem*

I have taken notes and will act on information received.

JD said...

being 'the other JD' i thought you might have outed me. Psssshew, safe for now.

Diesel said...

One time they pumped a bunch of LCD out of me at the hospital.

Wait, no, that was LSD. My bad.

JD at I Do Things said...

Hey, no fair! I don't remember asking that question. I must've been hopped up on codeine. Thanks for the carefully coded tip, tho.

Watch your back. There's a Know-It-All in town.

JD at I Do Things

Jeff said...

michelle - I'm glad you found my points interesting. And yes, I did post 2 days in a row... very observant. I hope I didn't upset the cosmic balance of the blogosphere!

Roger - It's first come first served at this joint. But the part II people need not worry. We have the highest quality control standards in the business.

Mulled Vine - My Magic 8086-Ball Processor (TM) is not for sale. But if you're lucky, you can find all the parts you need on eBay and build one yourself. Although I'm not sure how successful you'll be at finding the 5 1/4" floppies to run it.

absepa - Funny. I hadn't heard the term "partially transgendered" before. Talk about being in a crowd all by yourself!

Tony Single - Sorry. I hope Mr. KIA didn't hurt your brain. But he does welcome you!

JD (the other one) - Don't worry, I won't tell a soul who you really are. ;-)

Diesel - Wow, that must have been a really bad trip man.

JD (at I Do Things) - What tip? I don't know anything about any tips around here.

Bill said...

A wise man knows everything, but a shrewd man knows everybody, so I say buy a Roll-A-Dex. I think a great Mr Know-It-All would find his camera!

Jacki said...

You know, I hope I never run into the situation when a cross-dressing man walks into the women's bathroom while I'm in it. That is so gross.

Although, there are times the toilets in the womens stalls look like a man used it and didn't watch what he was doing.

Anonymous said...

Make friends online and all around the world .Here recommend you a very interesting place ..(∩_∩)(∩_∩)........http://www.mixedmate.com/``......You'll find the best selection of hot babes, sexy singles, and beautiful dating right at the exclusive interracial dating community(∩_∩)(∩_∩)````keywords:::::online dating, matchmaking, dating online, soulmate, love, singles, romance, dating, catholic personals, dating service, personals, photo personals, online dating personals, marriage, personals, Interracial, singles, personal ads, free personals

Gette said...

Yay. New Year's Spambot hacks the word verification. It was only a matter of time, I suppose...

Jeff said...

Bill - A Roll-A-Who? I just keep all my addresses in my Selectric.

Jacki - "You know, I hope I never run into the situation when a cross-dressing man walks into the women's bathroom while I'm in it." I'm pretty sure you already have. The fact that you don't know it is exactly the point.

Anonymous - Yeah, but do you have any keywords that deal with personals? And what the hell is (∩_∩) ???

Gette - Those bots are getting smarter all the time. And just think of the goldmine they've uncovered by hacking into here. All you people are the perfect demographic!

Memarie Lane said...

Ha! Thank God they moved away! Now we live in daily fear of what the new neighbors will be like.

The Doozie said...

Well mr KIA, you have really done it this time.

I'm not sure how to say this so I'll just spit it out. I have boogers and a lot of them. They accumulate hourly and getting them out is a challenge. What do YOU do with your boogers?

Joshua Prewitt said...

Dear Mr. Know it all.

My son asked me a question yesterday and I really didn't know the answer. Could you please help me? Here's the question:

Which of the following is NOT acidic?

A. Milk
B. Saliva
C. soft drinks
D. Blood

P.S. I think the answer is D. Because not all blood has acidic.