Monday, May 04, 2009

Ticked Off... the deep end

WTF?
A few weeks ago Austin went to a bonfire down by the river with some of his friends. Later after they got home, they pulled a collective 12 wood ticks off their bodies. Uck!

What the hell was the big guy thinking?
I can't fricken stand ticks. They're nothing but tiny little 8-legged vampires that lurk around on your body until they can find a dark warm spot, so they can stab you with their incisors and suck your blood until they swell up so big they can't hold on any longer. {{{shiver}}}

Just burn it
Anyway, my kid had a bunch of wood ticks on him, so what. It's not my problem right? Right. Except for the fact that he was driving MY car that night, which of course suggests that if they had 12 wood ticks on their bodies after getting out of the car... means there must be, what... 10,000 more inside the car?

What the holy hell?!
But wait... ticks don't last very long if they're not on a host (yes, that's us) you say? Wrong again. According to this reliable source, some ticks can live up to 2 years without food.

That's odd, he seems so normal otherwise
Ok, so now I'm totally paranoid that every time I drive my car I'm being violated by ninja zombie blood-sucking beasts. In fact, I can no longer go 5 minutes without feeling something crawling around under my clothes.

True story, the other day I was sitting at my desk at work and I know there was a tick strolling around on my inner thigh. I freaked out so badly that I actually ran into the bathroom, unbuckled my belt and dropped my pants so fast you would have thought they were on fire. Of course when a careful examination of my legs (and yes, everywhere else I thought it might have hidden) revealed no such creature, I still went the extra mile to take off my shoes, pull off my pants and turn them inside out on the belief that he was clinging to an inner seam. This folks, is exactly how insane these things have made me.

Sanity is overrated anyway
And now the final straw... this morning as I was waking up and my eyes were slowly beginning to focus, I noticed a little black speck on the sheet, a mere 6 inches away from my face. "Hmm, that's odd," I thought. "What is that, and HOLY CRAP WHY IS IT MOVING!!!"

Yes you guessed right. It was indeed a tick. And now, my friends, I have officially lost my mind. According to my brain-damaged imagination, right now my entire body is a wood tick convention. They are in my hair, under my clothes and inside my... uh, never mind.

So if you notice that my subsequent posts seem a little confusing, this is why. I am now officially insane.

In fact, this may very well be the last coherent thing you see me write, because from this point forward I'll be sitting in the corner, rocking back and forth and sucking my thumb while I mumble out loud.

Next Up: My Conversations With a Guinea Pig

24 comments:

Kathy said...

OMG. I cannot imagine what you're going through. Get it over with. Dump a couple gallons of gasoline and light your house on fire. You can buy another one.

Ewwwww!!!!

Anonymous said...

And, of course you know that they can crawl INTO your ear, UP your nose and AROUND any open cavities. They then quietly go burrowing in and LAY THOUSANDS of eggs...to be hatched later!!!!!!
AAAGGGHHH!!!!! You wake up screaming and they are flowing out your nose, throat, ears, eyes,...Oh,I'm sorry little brother...not very nice! Sweet dreams!! sis

Bill said...

I would say you go really got ticked off.

movin down the road said...

Ooooh hohohooooo. I am SO scared of ticks. SOOOOO freaked out by them. So far never had em on me or my kids. ARAUGH!

but Momma said...

Your sister is evil! I'd be wearing a flea and tick collar. Maybe one for each ankle and a couple for bracelets.

Mooselet said...

Oh dear. You know there's very effective medications for people in your state of mind. Of course it will do nothing for the tick infestation or from stopping the mini-Spikes from latching on and sucking every drop of blood from your body, but you'll be so drugged out you won't care. Win-win!

Windyridge said...

Oh my God, that's worse than the big bad black bat that was relaxing with his wings spread and looking mighty HUGE, on my bed pillow.

Jeff said...

kathy - You joke, but that's pretty close to how I feel right about now. And now it's time to rid my bed of all linens and start anew.

sis - Oh thanks a bunch. But now that you mention it, that one on my bed could have come from my head. Hey... a new song!

bill - I would say you're right.

movin down the road - Never? Where do you live, in a plastic bubble?

but momma - Ooh... good idea! Hartz here I come!

mooselet - Oh gee thanks. Do you know my sister by chance?

windyridge - Uh... I think a bat on your pillow kinda beats a 1/4" bug. But thanks for trying to make me feel better?

Heather said...

The really sad thing is the whole time I was reading this I could see myself reacting in a very similar fashion. Ewww. Honestly. What function do ticks serve? I think something got messed up in their creation.

Ed said...

You've always been just a bit off center---don't blame it on the ticks.

(Oh, and check your ears. The voices in your head just may be a tick feasting on the rich warm blood flowing through your ear canal.)

Jacki said...

GROSS! I had to pull a tick off of me one time, and I just about puked.

Babs-beetle said...

Oh my..... That would definitely freak me out too! Our cat once had a tick, but I've never seen one that feeds on humans before Yeeeeuck!!!

VE said...

Insanity has probably left you with a few nervous ticks.

I had one in a jar for two weeks and it was still alive...

Mom Thumb said...

Ticks will probably survive the holocaust, along with the cockroaches. But seriously, I think you could write a screenplay for an awesome horror movie. "Ticks on a Plane."

Roger said...

The itsy-bitsy tick, crawled right up Jeff's leg.

Who'd have thought this'd make a grown man beg.

Off came the pants, yes the underwear too.

All because a tick will stick to you like glue.

Sorry.

rick said...

Last spring I a big one attached herself (females need blood to nourish their eggs) to my right buttocks. It left a big red circle, and itched like hell for a week. It wasn't a classic "bullseye" so I convinced myself she didn't give me Lymes Disease. (woodticks and deerticks both carry it) A year later I seem to be tired all the time, so now I'm not so sure. I think I need a blood test.

Mrs. R said...

O.M.G. Seriously, you're going to have to move. It's the only way. I'm so sorry that you have to experience this.

Jeff said...

heather - Apparently a couple of birds like to eat them. Like that justifies how evil they are.

ed - ...they put creatures in our ears... Thanks for the awesome Star Trek reference! (can't wait to see the new one)

jacki - I had to pull 2 of them out of Austins ears with a tweezers when he was little. They both had huge chunks of ear meat in their mouths. Talk about wanting to puke. Ugh.

babs - I don't think they're very picky. They just want blood. Isn't that nice?

ve - And then what... You let it go? You sold it on eBay? You ate it?

mom thumb - You mean mother-effin ticks on a plane? Funny :-)

roger - Oh, that's too clever. I wonder if there's a market for horror nursery rhymes.

rick - Gee, do you think it had anything to do with the fact that you have a crapper right outside in the middle of the woods?

mrs r - Thank you for your compassion. Wanna buy a house?

Elizabeth said...

Ugh, never had a tick on me and don't want one. We don't even have ticks up here thank goodness! But we do have leaches, they're like ticks, only bigger and slimier.

Anonymous said...

Man what a total bummer. But we'll worry for your sanity when you tell us they are spelling "WE LIVE" on yoru wall.

Wickwire

April said...

Things like ticks are evidence to me that there is no God. I don't give a crap what purpose they serve, if there was a God that loved mankind, ticks, fleas, and other annoying little buggers would simply not exist.

Corrina said...

OMG I got a nasty case of the creepy-crawlies reading that!!! Ugh! I won't think any less of you when you're talking to animals. Lol

kc said...

I loathe ticks. Creep factor, maximum. It might be a little late for this time, but the best product I have found is a little thing called "tick off." It's like a tiny measuring spoon with a notch. It works really well. Good luck with the nasty little buggers.

Michelle said...

Dude, I'm so sorry. I'm getting the creeps just reading this. I feel for ya. And I'm staying inside for the rest of summer :)