Monday, July 06, 2009

Central Minnesota Crime Logs

Holy cow... it's been over 2 years since I've written one of these! This is truly a crime.

St. Cloud is not an innocent town by any means, but if you were to rate it by our newspaper crime logs, you'd think we lived in Mayberry. These are actual crime logs taken verbatim from our local newspaper, the St. Cloud Times. The only things made up are my extended comments in bold.

* * * * *

Suspicious activity was reported at 3:54 p.m. Saturday in the 1500 block of Seventh
Avenue South. A caller said she found two large steak knives stuck in her lawn. She
looked back an hour later and they were gone...
...that's when she found a t-bone-shaped hole in her grass and an empty bottle of A-1.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 7:50 a.m. Monday in the 1800 block of Whitney Park Drive. A caller said a recreational vehicle was parked in the area and it appeared someone was living inside of it. The vehicle was gone when police arrived...
...most likely because someone was not dead inside of it.

A noise complaint was reported at 12:31 a.m. Saturday in the 700 block of First Avenue North. Officers checked the area and saw a street sweeper leaving the area. No other noises were observed...
...even though they used their special noise-viewing goggles.

A threat was reported at 7:51 p.m. Saturday. A couple was putting up a privacy fence in their yard and a neighbor became angry and began yelling loudly. Officers met with the neighbor to explain to him that if he had a problem, he needed to contact the city before the permit was issued. He was told not to harass the couple anymore...
...and for the sake of human dignity, to let the poor couple finish their fence.

A juvenile problem was reported at 9:55 p.m. Sunday in the 400 block of 2½ Street North. A group of boys were out ringing doorbells. Police checked the area but were unable to find anyone...
...most likely because the game is called ring and run.

A barking dog was reported at 4:50 a.m. Sunday in the 200 block of High Drive. Officers found a dog in the front yard barking and the next day spoke with the owner. She was given a verbal warning...
... and a slap on the nose with a newspaper.

A suspicious person was reported at 1:42 p.m. Monday on Pinecone Road. A caller said a man was laying on the grass by the road. Officers spoke to the man who said he was a salesman and was just taking a nap...
...which surprised the officers since he was selling 5-hour Energy Drink.

A suspicious vehicle was reported at 4:08 a.m. Friday at Riverside Park, 1725 Kilian
Blvd. The vehicle was parked in the park after hours. Officers found a man and woman in the vehicle and "prevented some lewd public activity," according to police reports...
...but not before the man asked if he could have "just a few more seconds."

Suspicious activity was reported at 5:25 p.m. Friday in the 1200 block of 11th Street
Southeast. A caller said she was worried that someone was watching her home and that
there were a lot of people around. Officers increased patrol in the area...
...and also recommended she increase her dosage.

A burglary was reported Friday on 127th Street in Livonia Township. A caller said someone entered his locked garage and took items from it. The items were then placed at the end of his driveway...
...mice are suspected.

AND FINALLY... this last one was just so odd that I hated to waste it on one of my dumb punchlines, so I thought I'd give you a chance to finish it. Please - help me out here.

A complaint was reported at 1:22 a.m. Tuesday on First Street Northeast. A caller said juveniles were putting Saran wrap across the road. Officers talked to them and they apologized for the behavior and went home...

17 comments:

Mooselet said...

... and promised to use environmentally-friendly toilet paper next time.

rick said...

... and finished eating all the uncovered leftovers.

carlae said...

that section of the road had been just been repainted and they wanted to preserve it's freshness.

Bill said...

The officer confiscated the saran wrap and wrapped up the case.

PatKG said...

... and went home and put the Saran wrap on the toilets where it belongs.

PatKG said...

"A threat was reported at 7:51 p.m. Saturday. A couple was putting up a privacy fence in their yard and a neighbor became angry and began yelling loudly."

And you wonder why these people wanted a PRIVACY FENCE? Crazy neighbors, anyone?

Jeff said...

Good answers everyone. Everyone of these are better than what I had going.

Pat - That's exactly right. Hopefully they're building their fence out of stone!

Junk Drawer Kathy said...

Jeff, I half expected one of them to read that a harried mom ran out of diapers and she called the police to have someone bring her a box. And they did. Mayberry indeed!

I'm real curious about the knives. That one's very creepy.

VE said...

You should have been a detective!

Bee said...

... a poor man's slip and slide.

Heather said...

I don't have a punchline but I remember an ex-boyfriend telling me that he and his friends had done that once when he lived in a small town in IL.

Michelle said...

where they remembered that the TOILET was the proper place for Saran Wrap application.

So ummm it's ring and run? We always called it Ding Dong Ditch. Huh.

Maureen said...

... after they loaded up their packages of freshly wrapped Roadkill dinners.

Maureen said...

BTW, those were hilarious! Oh, St. Cloud, you ARE so quaint!

JD at I Do Things said...

... but until they'd poured water on the road and tested the Saran Wrap's durability.

Ugh. LAME!

Lunatron (aka Jamie) said...

Where they later told the officer, "Shucks, Dad you never let us have any fun when you're on duty."

Mom Thumb said...

Then they hid in the bushes and waited until an unsuspecting racoon peed on it, spraying himself, lurking off in abject humiliation while they laughed and pointed.