Saturday, July 04, 2009

Mr. Know-It-All

Wow, it's hard to believe this is the 2nd anniversary of my infamous Mr. Know-It-All series.

Of all the things I write about here at the cloud, Mr. Know-It-All is by far the most misunderstood. Perhaps it's the way he thinks outside the box, (or more accurately outside of reality) but people always seem to scratch their heads at this feature. Even still, this has always been one of my favorite things to write and I'm quite certain I'll continue to do it as long as I have a blog.

So then, let's see what people have been asking about this time.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What exactly are we celebrating on July 4th again?

- Spankee Noodle

Dear Spankee Noodle,

We are celebrating our independence from the Kingdom of Great Britain of course. I know... "Independence from what?" you ask. "Great Britain is like the size of Kansas. How powerful could they be?"

What many people don't know, is that Great Britain used to occupy all the countries in the world. Then over time, many of them decided they were tired of fish and chips and scones and, through various means, managed to separate from the British Empire and become their own countries, states and colonies.

No really... unlike most things I write I'm not making this one up. Here is just a partial list of countries who have become "independent" from Great Britain and the United Kingdom over the last few hundred years.

USA - 1776
Canada - 1867
Afghanistan - 1919
South Africa - 1931
Jordan - 1946
Pakistan - 1947
Malaysia - 1957
Nigeria - 1960
Kuwait - 1961
Jamaica - 1962
Kenya - 1963
Barbados - 1966
Bahamas - 1973
Grenada - 1974
Belize - 1981
Antigua - 1981

See what we started? But I say they should have kept Jamaica and the Bahamas. I bet those guys wouldn't have even known the difference. You know what I'm sayin mon?"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Why does the Baby poop just before we need to leave to go somewhere?

- Heather

Dear Heather,
You should consider yourself lucky. She sounds like a smart, considerate little girl to me. I mean, just think how much more convenient it is for you to deal with it at home where you have all your stuff and lots of room. Would you rather she waited until you were halfway through a grocery shopping excursion, and suddenly your produce is covered in blowout? Uh-huh... I thought so.

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What is the meaning of life?

- Kris

Dear Kris,
That depends on which "life" you're referring to... Life, Life or Life.

If you're talking about Life magazine, then its meaning is on the cover. Here I am on this month's issue. And you thought I was just some blogger.

If it's Life, the board game, then I'm with you 100%. What IS the meaning of that? I can't tell you how many times we dragged that stupid game out of the closet and attempted to play it. But the idea of having to buy insurance and stocks and end up with a career as a teacher just didn't seem very fun. Especially when you were 6.

On the other hand, there's only one thing to say about the meaning of Life cereal. "He likes it! Hey Mikey!"

* * * * *

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Are you only anti-Monopoly, or are you anti all board games?

- Michelle

Dear Michelle,
You said it right there in your question... I am anti all games that make me bored. But seriously, I used to get frustrated easily as a child. Do you have any idea how many times I sweated my way to the top of Chutes and Ladders, only to hit square number 87 and have my ass sent straight back down to 24?!! And don't even get me started about Candyland.

All I can say is, it's a good thing we didn't have a gun in our house.

* * * * *
Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
Have you ever tried Triopoly?

- meandtheblueskies

Dear meandtheblueskies,
Well, until now I had never even heard of it. But if you're asking if I would enjoy a 3-layer, 3D version of Monopoly? Then uh... NO THANKS! The last time I checked, I didn't have a spare 40 hours to devote to a board game. Besides, where are you supposed to find an honest banker these days anyway?

* * * * *

Well folks, that's it for this installment of Mr. Know-It-All. Make sure to leave your questions in the comments and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Until then, have a GREAT holiday weekend!


yellojkt said...

But do they have the Fourth of July in Britain? Hint: it's a trick question.

Michelle said...

Wow, now THAT'S a freaky board game.

But seriously, how could anyone ever get sick of scones? Have you ever eaten good scones? Even the wee ones beg for them... hmm, maybe I'll make some for breakfast tomorrow. Thanks for the idea!

Dan said...

We do have the 4th of July, but we call it thanksgiving day

(apologies to the xbox4nappyrash who I just stole that gag from)

and you missed out Australia. We owned Australia too.

Dan said...

And India

Dan said...

And Hong Kong

Jeff and Charli Lee said...

yellojkt - See Dan's answer.

michelle - I had scones once but I didn't like them. For some reason they were made with red beans. I believe they were called kidney scones.

dan - No, I covered those countries too when I said "...Great Britain used to occupy all the countries in the world." That is true, right?

Mom Thumb said...

I thought the 4th was so we could have a three day weekend, grill brats and eat watermelon. And then watch sparkly things in the sky.

Elizabeth said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
What's the best holiday in the U.S.?

JD at I Do Things said...

Happy Anniversary, Mr. Know it All!

And thank you for the history lesson, which you managed to make non-boring.

Awesome Life cover, dude. I gotta go to my local newstand and pick up a few.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Know-It-All,

We only gave those countries back because we didn't want them any more and they were starting to insist on things like voting rights and a small share of the profits at the end of the year.

Damned insurgents.

PS - We still own India, and Australia, and Canada, and Hong Kong.

PPS - OK, not Hong Kong, and we haven't reminded those other countries for a while that we still own them, so they may think we don't.

Maureen said...

Happy Anniversary Mr Know It All! You are, by far, my most favorite of Mooses.

But now I want some scones and tea. It's that damn British heritage creeping up on me again.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Mr Know-it-all, again you've cleared up some of life miseries...I mean mysteries...or was it miniseries? whatever

Heather said...

My oldest and middle children BOTH did the poopsplosions at Applebees as infants, so with the third I wisely avoided ever eating there last year. That's not to say that she can't still have a poopsplosion at nearly 14 months old, but the likelihood is less these days.

Dear Mr. KIA,
What is the deal with those jerks who whiz past the long line of cars waiting to go through construction, and then try to cut in at the last minute? Why do they think they're so special?